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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  August 9, 2012 9:30am-10:00am PDT

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r shoulder? ♪ ♪ if you hot, it make you cold ♪ ♪ do your chain hang low? [men cheering, hollering] ♪ is it platinum? ♪ 'bout 24 inches is how low i let it hang ♪ ♪ hop out the ride ♪ and let the diamonds smoke off the range... ♪ - looks like they started already. - no, this is just the pre-show. - now that we're up 100 grand, we should have a post-show up in the suite. what do you say, turtle? - i already ordered four bottles of cristal and 400 chocolate-covered strawberries. - nice. - does money won feel better than money earned, or am i nuts? - you're nuts. - oh! it's the "we don't drink jager" crew! what up, e? hey, did you tell sloan i said "what up" again? - no, seth, i think one time was all she needed. - what's that mean? - it means she said you used to be obsessed with her. i don't think she needs to feel like you're still obsessed with her. - she said i was obsessed with her? - yeah, sorry to say. - no, that's all right. no apologies necessary. i mean, in reality, it's more like... she was obsessed with this. [laughing] - you got a problem? - get your hand off me, man. - no, but i do! [rock music playing] [glass shattering]
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- this ought to be good for your image, vince. - ♪ do you love it when the kids are screaming? ♪ wrecking on the road, violate their dreaming ♪ ♪ hey, do you love to see the filth in the clean, yeah? ♪ ♪ hey, do you love to see the filth in the clean, yeah? ♪ ♪ get into the gone all-american... ♪ ♪ dream captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is it is "daily show" with jon
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stewart. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a show for you tonight, including a visit from an exciting new, fresh, young, comedian, christopher rock. ( laughter ). i expect big things from him. let's begin tonight with america, folks. these are troubled times. in this majestic land. ( laughter ) but there is one problem in our great country which stands out, perhaps above all others-- voter fraud. how big of a problem? do we know how big a problem it is? >> jon: i'm going to say it's bigger than ringworm. ( laughter ). and less than bieber fever. ( laughter ) actually, i didn't even know we
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had a voter fraud problem in this country. >> we have a voter fraud problem in this country. ( laughter ) >> jon: i stand crebted. is it proven? >> it's a proven problem, a serious threat to our democracy. ( laughter ) >> jon: well, i hope we have our best people on it. >> now to the fox news voter fraud unit. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> jon: yes, conservatives and their media division are up in arms over voter fraud, and this year almost entirely in swing states with republican-controlled legislatures, they are doing something about it. >> a lot of these states, swing states in particular, have passed voter i.d. and voter suppression laws. >> new voter i.d. laws in texas,
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tennessee, kansas, wisconsin. >> jon: pensylla-tucky, arc anbamma, floralinea. and new ohio. or new higho. states are spending millions of dollars to combat voter fraud through strategies like purging voter roles and requiring photo i.d.s, even though a study by a group that supports the laws, the national republican lawyers association-- which, by the way, if you ever just want to smoke some cigars and play some golf with some rule douchebags-- ( laughter ) ...there you go. anyway, they said this -- >> the national republican lawyers only found 340 cases of voter fraud over a 10-year period in all of america.
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>> jon: oh, my god! ( laughter ) that's almost... .7 cases per state per year. ( laughter ). and it also includes registration fraud like a mickey mouse petition. but still, even pennsylvania, which is now defending its photo i.d. law in court said this -- >> the state admits it is "not aware of any incidents of in-person voter fraud in pennsylvania. in addition, the state says it has no evidence to prove that in-person voter fraud is likely to occur in december 2012 in the absence of the photo i.d. laws. >> jon: i rest my case, your honor. it doesn't happen. this won't stop it. i think you can see why we have to do it now. ( laughter ) next up, leiber laws for unicorns. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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it's very odd, republicans-- republicans are throwing money at this problem that seems to have very little factual evidence behind it, because i can think of another issue that has perhaps a larger body of scientific work behind it that they are somewhat reluctant to tackle. >> we don't know what's causing climate change on this planet, and the idea of spending trlz and trlz of dollars to try to reduce co2 emissions is not right course displ we need a global warming investigation unit. when was the last time somebody checked on george? i seem to recall at this conference i attended recently at the conservative think tank foundation: >> every time you see a truly massive, coordinated effort at voter fraud, it usually involves in part, absentee voting. >> jon: that's weird. why are they emphasizing the
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voter i.d. part, then, and not the absentee ballot part. >> it is a fair awment of this liberals there are should people who ignore the absentee ballot part because supposedly republicans like absentee ballots more and they don't want to restrict that. >> jon: i guess it would be a fair argument or as it is sometimes also called-- justification for a lawsuit. if restricting absentee ballots seemingly helps republicans, who does requiring photo i.d.s target? >> it will significantly impact more heavily the groups like minority, the poor, elderly, student. >> jon: yes! finally the free ride for this country's minority poor, elderly, and student is over. ( laughter ) no more living on easy street for people who are already living on skid row. the only thing more blatant would be if you had some republican state rep in pennsylvania touting how voter i.d. laws would be handing the election to republicans. >> voter i.d., which is going to
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allow governor romney to win the state of pennsylvania, done. >> jon: no one is videotaping this, right? ( laughter ) because i'm going to look like an ass ( bleep ). we go to jessica williams in pennsylvania. jessica, nice to see you ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: let me ask you a question. let me ask you a question. it seems pretty clear these new regulations focus disproportionately on minorities and the poor. >> yes, jon, that's right. definitely. >> jon: what if through a concerted effort those groups are able to obtain these photo i.d.s necessary? >> not to worry, jon. there are some new regulations introduced that will feather battle this rampant voter fraud. in you would like to vote you will be matched against this, okay? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> jon: yup. >> you'll have to fall in the nonvoter fraud color range, somewhere between venetian dream and toasted meringue over here.
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>> jon: okay. how are people supposed to keep up withal these different regulations then? >> it's all in the new swing states' handy voter's guide, "you might be an eligible voter if..." >> jon: like the old jeff foxworthy you might be a redneck gag. >> one of the rules is you have to get that reference to be eligible to vote. so you're off to a good start, jon. here's another one-- if you have a favorite meg ryan movie, you might be eligible to vote. and here's another one: if you've ever spoken to a police officer voluntarily, you might be eligible to vote! >> jon: i get it. let me take a crack at this. if you own more than three polo shirts, you might be eligible to vote. >> what? are you saying black people can't afford polo t-shirts, jon? that's really racist.
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>> jon: no i was just eye thought-- i was just go along with the games, and saying the rules. >> no, i'm just ( bleep ) with you, jon. i'm ( bleep ) with you. owning three or more polo shirts is rule number nine. you can always follow the new general guidelines against voter fraud in these swing states. if you're black or poor or elderly and not going to vote for mitt romney, stay the ( bleep ) at home. ( laughter ). >> jon: i got it. thank you,
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( cheers and applause ). >> jon: welcome back to the show! controversy. controversy brewing at the olympics this weekend, as the united states men's four rowing team won the bronze. the controversy wasn't over the standing but whether team member
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henry grumble was aroused during the medal ceremony. the internet was abuzz about whether he was aroused. i personally believe-- and i stand by this-- that an eel jumped into the boat. desperate for warmth, the eel burrowed into that man's shorts. by the name, if the name rumle sounds familiar it's because eric rumle is the ha to the rumle figurines. my grandmother had a collection, and she proudly displayed them in her antique curio cabinet. anyway, rumle has actually had to deny that he was aroused. ( laughter ). which makes me sad, for some reason. is rumle telling the truth? we turn to our own unit fraud unit and senior privates
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investigator, al magical. al, thank you so much for joining us. al. ( cheers and applause ) you've been following this case. do you have any answers for us? >> jon, this is a fascinating case. rumle says he wasn't erect but he seemingly seemingly erect penis tells a different story. it's a paradox of physics. can a penis be both erect and not erect at the same time? >> jon: what are you finding the scientific arguments for either side? >> there are two schools of thought, jon. one postulates that the penis must be erect due to its upward pointing nature. up and to the left, up and to the left. but there's a competing hypothesis gloan and what is that, al? >> who gets a borne for ( bleep ) bronze? i mean, silver maybe, gold, obviously you're rock hard.
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but bronze, jon? >> jon: it can't be the only factor causing his erection? >> aah! alleged erection, jon. until proven otherwise, he is flaccid, as in the eyes of the law. >> jon: i mean, al, if it's not a boner, what else could it be? >> it could be a can of spray cheese and two racquetballs. two rattishes and a rolled up copy of yesterday's newspaper. a bike pump and a couple of hard boiled eggs. a pair of mice hugging a banana. >> jon: all right, al, listen, i can't-- ( laughter ) i understand that. i-- i-- i disagree. i think in that case you would see the little hands moving. i just think you would. ( laughter ). >> i-- i'm sorry, jon, i'm just geeking out a little. i really thought we were past all of this, but now we're back to the days of the controversially medal stands protests, and the infamous east german team's fiasco from 1984.
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>> jon: obviously, whatever the outcome, there's certainly a lot going on at the unit fraud unit. >> yes, it's an exciting time to be a penis investigator. ( laughter ) is that right, boys? >> yeah! >> whoo! >> jon: al magical,
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, oh! his new film is called "two days in new york." >> i'm doing my radio show in about an hour. why don't you come and be on the air? >> i'm catching the 4:20 to d.c. >> i'd love to do it. >> oh, please. >> actually i meant to call you about barack's visit to n.y.. >> have him on my show? >> love, slow down there. >> okay, okay. >> no, no, he's doing a press conference and i think i can get you in. >> get out of here! oh, no. >> sweetie, that's so great. that's wonderful. >> is it true?
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>> he's so good looking. so much better looking sarkozy. >> jon: please welcome back to the program chris rock! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! thank you! ( cheers ) sit down! >> jon: they love any french film. >> yes. >> jon: and that is what that was right there. that was an explosion of energy. >> my association with booty chang will always have me loved by your audience. >> jon: that is exactly right. your acting-- i'm watching you
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in that movie-- >> yes, yes, yes. >> jon: you are acting in that movie, not acting like i act in a movie like, "oh, really, you can't even do that?" but you, that's real ( bleep ) acting. you were doing-- that's real acting. >> i'm trying, man. i'm trying to get some work, jon. ( laughter ). i want some good parts, jon. i want to be like denzel and land that plane upside down, you know. >> jon: let's not get out of hand. >> let's not get out of hand. >> jon: julie delpy writes this thing. how do you know her? >> she's a white girl with a big ass, so i know of her. i'm aware -- >> i've been on that-- i've been on that web site. >> right, right. nice ass. so right away, she's in my radar, right. >> jon: okay, all right. >> i don't know. i met her, i think-- i don't know, she said she wrote it for me. i think she saw good hair, and saw me-- i'm serious. i don't know!
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i don't ask these questions. a woman calls i answer, jon. >> jon: is that true? it can be anybody, a woman -- >> a hot, french woman what are you going to do? you would pick up that phone, won't you. >> jon: i would most likely pick up my phone but i wouldn't understand what they were saying. >> i wouldn't care what they were saying. >> jon: that makes total sense. >> right. >> jon: what are you a radio host? >> radio host columnist, ellen mitchell, nelson george type displ and your name is mingus. >> mingus. mingus, and in the movie it rhymes with cunnilingus, which is all right by me. >> jon: is that the one liner from the movie? ( laughter ) ( applause ) imagine a guy, and his name iseningus, so you're doing-- you're doing this, and then you're moving right to the
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sandler and spade, like-- do you pull a groin from that? how do you go from you're doing the french delpy-- >> movie. >> jon: and then going into-- >> then i did "grown-ups two." >> jon: "grown-ups, two." even more grown-up. and you're producing-- you're a hard-work individual. >> i try to keep it moving, man. >> jon: you really do keep it moving. is it because you don't like to be at home with your family? >> yes. i just do not like these people. i don't understand them. >> jon: listen-- >> my kids are rich. i have nothing in common with them. ( laughter ). ( applause ). >> jon: how do you explain that to them-- i am trying to figure this out. do they have jobs, like i want my kid-- i have had jobs since i was 14 years old, always worked. my kids are rich eye don't know how to explain to them. >> they don't know what the hell they're talking about. they give me attitude, and i'm starting to hit them, and i'm like, "ah, you can't hit a rich
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kid." ( laughter ). >> jon: it's a different world. >> it's a different world, man. >> jon: do you think-- maybe there should be like an outward bound that we put them in where it's like, you've got to live like ( bleep ) for a week. >> every year i beg my wife to put them in camp in harlem and she won't do it. i really-- like, i think my whole rich-ass neighborhood needs to go to camp in harlem in the summer and get their lunch money taken. >> jon: there's got to be a camp. >> there's got to be a camp kick-ass. >> jon: i think that's an excellent idea. and if it's not an excellent idea, you should franchise that. >> i might do that. >> jon: when is the stand-up coming? >> it's come, it's coming. i'm working-- i'm writing some jokes. it's hard to go to the clubs because people tape your ( bleep ) all the time. >> jon: i know, it's a different world now. >> like before it's ready. >> i don't mind if i'm at madison square garden and want
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to tape it, but i'm at the cellar working on a bit and it ain't ready and it's on youtube and then it's like -- >> it's like, "chris rock said...." >> and somebody is mad at me. >> jon: and it get out there. >> it gets out there. >> jon: vawdful, what they had to face when tv came around. they'd do 15 minutes of tv and perfect it and see their family for 50 years doing the same stupid jokes they stole from henny youngman. and tv came on, they said i'd love to do ed sullivan, burned those 15 minutes and "i'm out of work." >> it's rough, and comedians-- no one wants to hear jokes twice. >> jon: no, people want to barely hear them once. >> they barely want to hear them once. that's why i envy singers. sting is still singing "rox ann" and getting paid. >> jon: they want him to. they get mad if he doesn't sing it 100 times. >> you've written jokes as good
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as "rox ann." i have a few "roxaens" but nobody wants to hear them anymore. how dare you say the same funny thing you said last year? >> jon: you know what, diddy was right-- mo money, mo problem. >> he was right. >> jon: that's why he is an icon in the way he is. >> diddy has a clothing line, and he-- he's a designer that can't sew. >> jon: do you know him? i don't know him. >> we've been in contac contact. >> jon: years ago i was at the beach in long island, and all of a sudden all these escalades and cars with like sirens and everyone was like oh,-- because the president was supposed to be in town for a fund-raiser and i was like that's probably the president and it was diddy. >> he's the president of the party. >> jon: that's exactly right. >> best guy in the world to bump into.
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you don't want to make eyes can him but bump into him. >> jon: "two days in new york" it opens friday in new york and other select cities in coming weeks. >> and tomorrow night, total lie bias with cra meal bell. >> jon: when is that on? >> tomorrow night on fx. >> jon: what time. >> right after "louie." >> jon: don't watch it. that's 11:00. >> oh, that's why. ( cheers and applause )
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