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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  January 30, 2014 9:00am-9:31am PST

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>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new new yo, this is is dale will with jon stewart. -- this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. [cheers and applause] tonight's guest, it's a fine one. tonight's guest presidential historian johnny knoxville will be joining us.
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last night washington, d.c. president barack obama delivered his fifth state of the union address with the help of congressional ball bouncers and youon. wow that is right up to the came virginia what having google glass sex looks like. wow. even they couldn't keep at dooring crowd back from the president. ladies, no. he is not a piece of meat. no. ladies it's going to stick all night. he has to do his speech! let the man tell us the state of the union. i've got $5 on strong. >> my fellow americans, today in america a teacher spent extra time with a student who needed it. >> jon: oh, boy, strap in, everybody. [ laughter ] looks like he is going to mention everybody in america by name. >> an entrepreneur flipped on the lights in her tech start-up.
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an auto worker fine tuned some of the best fuel efficient cars in the world. a man took the bus home from the graveyard shift bone tired. >> jon: is he talking to congress or pipping his independent film? dawn over the plains could be nebraska, opening credits, a nurse struggles to light her cigarette. cut to a hot dog vendor middle eastern old eyes in a young face. we want to hear about america not americans. >> the united states is better positioned for the 21st century than any other nation on earth. no other country in the world does what we do. >> jon: deny climate change. expand gun rights, after school shootings, put bacon in ice cream. we're very talented. so the country is strong but clearly the president's relationship with congress is hurting. as he spoke to them he was clear he had recently taken a course
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at the learning annex on passive agretion for yiew jewish mothers. >> i intend to keep trying with or without congress. the question is whether we're going to help or hinder this progress. >> jon: i mean i have a lot to do but, you know, you could help or you could be a disappointment to me. even though i at one time pushed you through my have -- vagina. you want to leave college is fine. it doesn't matter what i want. or the country but what you the little prince, the center of universe. be a dear, get me my insulin from the cabinet. i'll inject myself serious seriously what is going to next guilt us all into calling our actual mothers. >> i ask every american who knows someone without health insurance to help them get covered by march 31.
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kids call your mom and help her through the application. it will give her some peace of mind and plus, she'll appreciate hearing from you. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> jon: let me tell you something. don't you ever talk about my mother. [laughter] all right. i will call her. a poll guys for that what is a president to do when he knows he can't do much? perhaps announce goals so vague there's no way to gauge if he actually achieved them. >> let's get immigration reform done this year. it's time. >> citizenship means standing up up for the lives gun violence steals from us each day. >> we'll come together to give every woman the opportunity she deserves because i believe when women succeed america succeeds. >> jon: we already do so much for women. some nights we even let them drink free. i don't -- how about the
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veterans? do you have nilg for them there's backlogged medical claim files. >> we'll keep slashing that backlog. we'll continue to join forces to honor and support the military families. >> jon: we'll build them their own monument, the imp tent brukcy monument. no one steals more spotlight than old jokey focus puller. what are you doing? making eyes, checking his mail, flashing the grill. hey, what are you doing? bang, bang! oh, this year he teamed up with old joanie boehner to -- johnny boehner to form the old man version of tragedy and comedy mask. there was the republican response that came in not one, not two, but four delicious
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flavors coming from congresswoman. florida congresswoman who say senora. >> [speaking spanish] >> jon: i agree the president did take the auto bus to the library. [ laughter ] sorry i only had eight years of spanish. then it was on to utah senator's official tea party response because apparently anyone can good on the (bleep) internet and batting cleanup senator rand paul who offered a nonpartisan message. >> it's not that government is inherently stupid though it's a debatable point. [ laughter ] >> jon: all i'm saying is maybe we should rirn return to an uncivillized state of lawless chaos. so to sum up the 2014 state of
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the union a litany of vague pledges. a justified venting the frustration with congress and capping it the world's (bleep) republican open mic night. weight b right b j'j'j'o&w0,xhgtttth"
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. so as you are seeing last night
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was less about the state of the our union and more about the state of our president's relationship with congress, the subtext of the president's frustration, his irritation, his dislike his murderous hatred. it actually now appears to be bleeding into actual text. >> i'm eager to work with all of you but america does not stand still and neither will i. so wherever and whenever can i take steps without legislation to expand opportunity for more american family families that's what i'm going to do. >> jon: with all due respect (bleep) all y'all. [laughter] of course, the republican response. >> we're willing to work with the president. week hopeful maybe he will sit down and work with us. >> we would all love to have the president work with us. >> i think the president, unfortunately, continues to divide the country.
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>> it's an opportunity for the two parties to come together with the president. instead it was the same tired boiler plate we hear year after year. >> jon: uh, yep. we sure do. [ laughter ] uh, yep. >> jon: they are really hurt. they are hurt. their feelings are hurt. the president has hurt their feelings. the own problem with their -- we just want to work with them is that it's total (bleep). it's (bleep). premium grade a grass fed free range (bleep) collected and packaged by hand. no hear me out! [cheers and applause] it is (bleep) collected and packaged by hand from the
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polished anuses of award winning texas longhorn that are pred for perfection so that each individual dookie meets the exacting standards of the american (bleep) association. it is (bleep). listen to rand paul. >> you can't just say, my way or the highway. that's not the tone of somebody who wants to work with congress. >> jon: tone. everything would be different if he use aid different tone? tone -- no, forget that. during this year's state of the union congressmen from the opposition were tweeting things like commandant and chief or chef as he put it. forget that congressman steve to
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stotman got up and walked out. even the guy who said you lie sat through the (bleep) thing. this congress accomplished less than in the history of the republic, defunding nish any initiatives forget all that here is all you need to know about the sensitive republican souls so hurt by the president's newfound lack of interest in bipartisanship before obama was inaugurated senator minority leader mich mcconnell said make a public show of wanting to work with the president but block him at any turn in order to deny him victories for which obama will be blamed because he is the guy that ran on bipartisanship.
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uh, yep and as senator voinovich wrote if obama was for it, we had to be against it so. >> if he gives it the my way or the highway and i'm going to go around the congress we'll have a big problem. >> jon: no, you are not going to have a big problem because you already had a big (bleep) problem because on his first inaugural night were at a steakhouse dinner and swore allegiance to obstruction and possibly the atkins diet. it was a steakhouse. seriously paul no body fat. how does that happen? this notion that republicans are interested in working with the president it's a game that they play. s this a play they put on for the cameras but who are they really when they think the cameras are not on. perhaps republican congressman can clue us in. >> finally before we let you go since we have you here. we haven't had a chance to talk about. >> i'm not discussing anything off topic i'm only talking about
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the speech. >> congressman michael doesn't want to talk about the allegations concerning his condition finances. he wanted to get him on camera but you he refused to talk about that. back to you. >> let me be clear to you, (bleep). (inaudible). >> jon: to be fair, i will throw you off this (bleep) ball connie is say relatively standard staten island goodbye. it is considered -- if i may, i've been there frequently it's considered their ciao. take care good to see you. how are you parents doing? i can't wait to throw them off a (bleep) balcony. [ laughter ] you know what is almost more upsetting other than knowing that republicans planned to sab
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tag the administration or the guy threatening to hurl a man off a balcony is in the a thug but a man we collect elected to congress. it's that he went after a ny1 reporter. ny1. [ laughter ] ny1 is the pulse of our city. from the latest theater opennennings to the latest subway closings, to them just literally sitting there reading you the paper. they read it to you. [ laughter ] like you are a little baby. [ laughter ] ny1 is always there for us. it's the channel my channel box reboots to. so that no matter what i was watching, it says hey, guess who was just murdered in brooklyn? it gives us weather on the 1s, the 1s, not the 2s because the
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2s is for suckers, for losers, for (bleep) philadelphia. that's who it's for! it's the 1s. [cheers and applause] so before you throw that reporter off a balcony, congressman, just know that once we hear about it from ny1's the balcony murder report. [ laughter ] we're coming after you because if it wasn't for the greatness of ny1, we have could have canceled our qb@wv-xj
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back my guest tonight. he's an actor. latest film jackass presents bad grandpa on blu ray and dvd. >> i'll get more tail than a whore house piano player. >> i might be too old but i can still lick the stamp if you know what i might. >> i might be too old to chomp the lettuce but i can still toss the salad. >> are you married? >> oh, my goodness. >> not interested. >> three way. excuse me. [ laughter ] >> jon: please welcome back to the program johnny knoxville.
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[cheers and applause] >> let me say something. let me apologize to you. let me apologize. >> for what? >> no, please. >> are you going to throw me off a (bleep) ball call connie. >> jon: what am i congressman? no. [ laughter ] i introduced you improperly. jonny knoxville from the oscar nominated film bad grandpa. you were nominated for -- is this the first oscar that one of your films has been nominated for. yes, it is, jon. thank you for asking. >> jon: but it's true, yes? >> yeah. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's what i'm talking about, baby. >> the makeup guys who worked on the film got nominated for an oscar and i think they deserve to win because without the makeup of this film there's no
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film because i cannot prank people as myself. yes, that's true. >> jon: here is why i'm not crazy about that. they did a great job and i respect them and i'm glad they got that but that old man doesn't come to life if it's not for the acting, the man inside. if they get it for being the old man makeup, i think we could see a nomination in the future. >> i'm sure that's coming down the pike. [ laughter ] >> jon: this was better though. you know, do you think you'll do more -- at a certain point the body is going to break down. you have to come up with more characters. >> i was in terrible shape when i started doing stunts and i'm in terrible shape now. i can keep doing stunts because my body so wrecked period. it's done but i still like doing stunts. >> jon: do you ever go in for a full body mri just to see. [ laughter ]
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>> i did -- i went to a doctor the other day and they took some things. they went in for my hand and had a fractured elbow a torn shoulder. it was like three or four things i didn't know i had. >> jon: how do they break that kind of news to you? >> well, they think it's kind of humorous. they think it's -- you know, he's a good customer. [laughter] that kind of -- they'll bring another doctor in the office. this gi has all this going on. i'm like can i have a subscription so i can leave? [laughter] >> jon: because you set this up for our entertainment one day they'll vaporize inside you and you'll be lying in a puddle after they threw you off a building and everybody will walk by and go, you, you kill me. [ laughter ] but you feel good now? >> oh, yes. >> jon: do people make you --
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if you are out in a bar do people come up to you and say man can i buy you a drink and hit you over the head with the bought? what is the -- with the bought snl what is the difficulty for you? >> they used to try to fight me all the time. >> jon: fight you? >> yeah, the guys would try to fight me but girls would put cigarettes out on my arm. his bun put it out on the face. his one girl say i love what you do and punched me in the nose. guys would try to punch or try to fight. >> jon: and you still go out? >> not as much as i used to. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> these days they want me to hit them. they go, i love what you do. will you hit me in the nuts? like of course not. >> jon: that's good. out of curiosity, how long after
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i love what you do do they get to will you hit me in the nuts? >> immediately. >> jon: instantly. no foreplay no nothing. no charming i love what you do, one of best movies. i like to do stunts oh, would you mind hitting me in the nuts. >> i happens all the time. >> jon: they force the issue. do you hit them? >> no, no. i don't hit them. if one of guys is there. >> jon: one of jackass guys? >> yeah. if they ask them i'm like you guys can hit them i'm not hitting them. >> jon: do they say no, no, no, i want knoxville to the hit me. >> wee man will oblige. >> jon: that's why, i thought for me oh, you know, sure i'll take a picture but i've never had the opportunity -- nobody has ever -- >> you never got to hit anyone.
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>> jon: no the nuts. >> what the hell, go ahead. >> jon: really? that is at a certainly point that's got to -- you just wanted some chicken wings for god sakes. >> just looking for a hot meal at a good price. >> jon: that's what i'm talking about. jackass presents bad grandpa it'sen out on dvd. do you have one coming out. >> not yet jorchl i pitched one to you an old man who wanders the streets of new york hitting people in the nuts. >> throwing people
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>> jon: that was our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. i said before i think a speech by bara test. >> stephen: whooo!


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