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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 24, 2014 1:04am-1:37am PDT

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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart. my guest tonight, incredible timing -- we did not plan it -- general and former commander of centcom, anthony zinni. he has a book, "before the first shots are fired." that's his new book. i only can say, too late! >> the pentagon said airstrikes against i.s.i.s. and syria had begun.
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>> we have been waiting for weeks and here it is tonight. >> jon: ooh, it's so anticipated! it was the iphone 6 of wars! (laughter) it's expensive, a little bigger... a little more unwieldy than you thought it was going to be. (laughter) it's going to be at least a two-year commitment. (applause) kind of feels like you just (bleep) the last one. (laughter) but at least it's not the watch. so how did the new product launch go? >> they attacked i.s.i.s. targets four locations in syria, headquarters, buildings, storage facility, finance center, supply trucks, army vehicles and
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training compounds. >> jon: i.s.i.s. has a finance center? i.s.i.s. has been in existence for, like, a month... they have a finance center? no, no, that is for bombings and mass killings. you want small business loans, that's down the hall. so we hit four location force a very narrowly-focused, minimalist approach. >> they described the strike as very successful and only the beginning. we also got a menu of weaponry. tomahawk missiles. f-22, f-15, f-18s. >> jon: all the fs were there! you know what? f those guys! that's what i say! (laughter) ahead of all this, the big worry, is we would have to go into this fight alone. but you know what? that's what friends are for!
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(whispering) >> we're told four arab nations are also flying in the missions over syria, saudi arabia, jordan, bahrain and the united arab emirates. defense officials say a fifth nation, qatar, is also helping in the effort but not by air. >> jon: how is qatar helping if we're doing airstrikes? are they giving i.s.i.s. the silent treatment? and then when i.s.i.s. is all, like, qatar, what's wrong? are you mad at me? qatar's like -- nah, it's cool. it wasn't just qatar whose role was alarmingly vague. >> so far bahrain has stepped forward in saying, yes, they flew in that mission but it's not clear what mission. did they cut donuts in the sky over iraq for two hours? >> jon: a few donuts in the
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sky? i'm sure they weren't just doing donuts in the sky! all you have to do is listen to the cockpit recordings. i stand corrected. maybe they were doing donuts. the coalition has a pact. what has been the response from i.s.i.s.? >> the spokesperson urged supporters around the world, if you can kill the spiteful french and canadian -- >> jon: spiteful and filthy french, i'll give you. can't necessarily argue that. canadian, as an afterthought, like the professor and mary ann
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of infidels. if that's the best you've got, i.s.i.s., i think we'll do well in the media war. >> they called john kerry an uncircumcised old geezer. (laughter) >> jon: that's so specific! i can't believe i.s.i.s. has infiltrated john kerry's pants! but you know kerry's not going to put up with that. he's going to fire back and be, like, your characterization of me has some validity, but i believe in my heart that, although many of you have had your foreskin removed, whether it be for cultural or religious
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custom, i am of the understanding that the individual who performed that procedure, in their carelessness, whether through haste or intent, may have significantly reduced the length of your penis! boo! (laughter) (applause) there we go. so the bombing has begun. the coalition assembled. it's time to focus 100% of attacking i.s.i.s. >> at the same time u.s. jets were attacking i.s.i.s. targets, they also flew a number of missions against a different terrorist group known as
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khorasan, a group of about 50 al quaida fighters in afghanistan who is considered far more dangerous than i.s.i.s. >> jon: what? you just told us i.s.i.s. was like godzilla and the devil! what do you mean more dangerous than i.s.i.s.? what are you talking about? oh, i.s.i.s. is the worst thing ever but... ooh, i.s.i.s.! i.s.i.s.! you wish this group were as nice as i.s.i.s.! >> officials say they were in the final stages of fabricating cutting edge explosive devices, clothing dipped in liquid explosives that could explode on airplanes and not be detected.
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>> jon: now we have to fly naked. and aging head, an oddly pew decemberent body. a weird look. lrkts white house. can we least admit that we are at war? >> not just a counterterrorism operation, not just police action. it's a war. >> we're talking about a counterterrorism strategy that will apply to this situation we've successfully applied in other places. >> jon: whatever. more, we go to jessica williams. jessica, thank you for joining us (cheers and applause) jessica, how is this not a war? >> hey, wait, war? you heard the man! it's a counterterrorism strategy involving open and declared armed conflict. okay?
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>> jon: right! >> right. >> jon: that is the dictionary definition of war! >> wait, jon, i don't know anything about dictionaries, okay? i'm just quoting a reference book detailing the meaning of words listed in alphabetical order. >> jon: what is the latest on this khorasan group? >> the real threat now is from a new organization that as of like five hours ago as broken away from khorasan. they call themselves al-show ya-al. and they're not playing with tews paste and clothing. they're hitting america where it hurts, exploding starbucks gift cards. i don't need to remind you it's pumpkin latae season! pure evil!
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plus, john, i'm hearing they can detonate the mines, john! >> jon: i'm growing more skeptical. >> they're hard core and not half as scary as al--fa-ak-u-up. is that al--fa-ak-u-up. >> jon: is that a new group? >> they're a sister duo from al--kill-ya-all. >> jon: now all-fa-ak-u-up is the new one. >> now another one formed from all those and the drug cartel.
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>> jon: a supergroup uh? >> uh-huh! >> jon: what's their jam. >> they like to hijack planes and take them to cuba. they're real kicking the old school. >> jon: i think the takeaway from all of this is we're going to be at war forever, aren't we? >> oh, no, no, no, not forever, just an indeterminate amount of time to continue into
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hmm. trade in your old iphone and get a new iphone free at verizon. did you say something, paul? huh? no. can i route our trip? i love our trips. oh, me too. but no i'm good i know where i'm headed. how about music? nah i don't really feel like- ♪ just the two of us ♪ we can make it if we-- what a fun drive. we always have so much fun. remember that one time we- okay. sure you loved your old iphone. but you'll love your free new iphone you trade it for even more. use these innertubes in the so, you're sapool?we can't sorry, sir. it's hotel policy.
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is it really hotel policy? i'm afraid so, sir. do it. how about now? woo-hoo! i deserve this. you deserve to be fired. full flavors, full shapes. cheetos mix-ups.
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: my guest tonight, retired four-star generics served as commander-in-chief of centcom, book is called "before the first shots are fired: how america can win or lose off the battlefield." welwelcome back to the program, general tony zinni! general! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> jon: sir, i am stunned. the book is called "before the
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first shots are fired." how could you have known that the united states would find itself in armed conflict? (laughter) >> well, it was not hard, since we have been at it. and in the last 25 years ever since the end of the cold war, we've never figured out what this world is about and our place and role is in it and we keep stumbling through and stumbling into many of these armed conflicts and actually making the situation worse. what we've inherited today is largely because we intervened in places without a strategy and a clear understanding of what we needed to do if we needed to do anything. >> jon: so in some respects, but destabilizing the middle east through our intervention, we have destabilized it? >> yes (laughter) masterfully. i think when we went into iraq, it was an unnecessary war. wrong war, wrong place.
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(cheers and applause) i think our business was with al quaida in afghanistan. we got distracted, let al quaida escape. we tried to rent an army in afghanistan, northern alliance, which is terrible. we're trying the same thing now with a rented army with kurds and iraqis and i don't think that's going to do well eat snore in syria, they're saying we have to train the rebel groups more moderate in syria because they will be, i guess, our boots on the ground to take out i.s.i.s. >> i don't think it's going to work. i mean, first of all, we don't know who they are. we're going to send in weapons, not sure who is going to get them. we haven't vetted them. don't know how to get them through. they have another war on their hands fighting assad's forces. we're betting or hoping they will help take out i.s.i.s. i don't think they will be capable, maybe not even willing in many circumstances. >> jon: what if we turned
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around and shut our eyes? (chuckle) >> i hate to say this, but this group committed genocide. this group has beheaded, crucified, taken 13-rbgs 13-d and 14-year-old girls and given them to their fighters. >> jon: but assad has bombed indiscriminately his own people. when do we decide the moral imperative? because a lot of places in the world atrocities are committed every day. >> yes, and we can't be the world's policeman, that's usually the follow up. but in places where it's so egregious, so terrible, so bad, when you see these groups and they're intent is to wipe out every man, woman, child, and
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when you see the horrific things they put on video, i know there are other places in the world where things like this go on, but i think we have a moral obligation as the greatest power on earth to do something about that. as a military person, it's tough for me to stand by and see that. >> jon: is our moral obligation stronger because of what you said earlier because, in many ways, we created this nightmare? or created some of the conditions that allowed this nightmare to flourish? is that why the moral imperative is stronger here than it might be in another area? >> i think it's not only that. there's a sense of guilt and responsibility, but i think there's a sense of guilt that we let the holocaust go on, and rwanda and barundi go on without doing anything and even cambodia, the guilt works both ways. there are times in our history where we looked the other way where i don't think it would
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have been right for america to do. >> jon: we'll talk about what it takes not to look the other way and how not to repeat the mistakes we've made in the different says, from holocaust to saigon and more up to present day and how not to repeat that. day and how not to repeat that. more so did you hear the new iphone is out? i'm getting one! sprint is offering this exclusive new plan with unlimited data. the plan is only $50 a month! $50? unlimited iphone! [glass shattering] so should we eat? the new sprint simply unlimited plan, exclusively for iphone 6. unlimited data, talk and text for just $50 a month. switch to sprint and we'll buy out your contract. it's the best value in wireless.
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don't let bad snack's ruin your party. have o'hare party repair replace them, with tostitos fajita scoops and queso blanco dip. these chip's taste just like fajita's. your party will be moving and grooving in no time. tositos, bring the party! (cheers and applause) >> jon: we're back, talking with general tony zinni. the book is "before the first shots are fired," and, obviously, the first shots have been fired here. let's talk about america's strategy as, you know, the world's superpower. are we seeing the limits of our power, that we cannot go in, create these power vacuums and then nation build to the point where a country is stable enough and friendly enough to our purposes that we can project our power effectively in that regard? >> i think we're with certainly seeing the limits of our ability to transition nations that may
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be locked in the ninth or tenth century into something like jeffersonian democracy. we kid ourselves with the shake and bake democracy that we impose and election does not equal democracy. we're trying to do it on the cheap. at the end of world war ii, george marshall, truman, others understood you can't do this on the cheap. you have to commit to it. for us to go in and militarize a solution, our soldiers are trying to rebuild nations, we don't even have the expertise from the other agencies of government because they don't have the size and the resources to do this. and we get mired down and we don't have the cost or are we willing to expend the cost. so we've forgotten how it should be done. we've forgotten how to apply all our elements of power. >> jon: have we fallen too in love with the martial plan mentality? germany and japan, for all their
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issues, were homogenous areas where there was a real nation state that held together. these are much more fractious, much more tribal. in many respects, western inventions of borders, the idea we can create power vacuums and rebuild them -- >> your point about the border, at the end of the world war i where the french and british carved up nations across tribal and religious lines, we're paying for it today. i think our involvement out there can't be alone. we have to be able to build partnerships. >> jon: right. >> regional, international partnerships. i'm still waiting for the u.n. resolution that authorizes us to use force here. in the first gulf war, we had it. >> jon: it's the greatest threat to the world we've ever seen, and yet we can't get even a piece of paper that says this isn't so good out of the united nations. >> and where are the european nations in this? besides the french, there's
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nobody else. >> jon: even then that's still a western power imposing it's values and solutions. where are the nations that bear some of the responsibility for the funding and creation of the groups? saudi arabia, turkey, turkey's boarder remains open. the qataris and saudis have funneled funds to these groups. where are they. >> jon:. >> i.s.i.s. would destroy the royal family in saudi arabia and others in the region in a heart beat and they're caught between trying to decide whether to use force, remove them, trying to buy them off and they're confused. do they follow us? will we be there? will we endure through this? the problem is they're trying to figure out how to shut their eyes to this problem and trying every method possible to resolve it m of which just exacerbate the problem they're facing. >> jon: until they have
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clarity in the fight, how can we be expected to even be in service of stabilizing or helping? >> well, you can't if you don't understand the culture, and if you don't understand the situation. let me give you an example. >> jon: yes. >> i was in the united arab emirates when president george bush made the case for the war in iraq. he said something to the effect this was about the forces of freedom and democracy against forces of authoritarianism and evil. an arab friend said this is about persians and arabs. you're about to release a devil we're trying to keep contained. the arab on the other side said this is about shia and sunni, you're going to release a religious world. they were both right. >> jon: we were two weeks into the bombing before america realized there were two forms of islam. we didn't even know sunni and she. i can't we were, like, what's happening? we seemed to learn about religion and geography after we
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bomb. (laughter) do you have a couple of minutes to stick around to explain? "before the first shots are fired: how america can win or lose off the battlefield," general tony zinni. we'll be right back. i told you picking him up was a bad idea. what's the worst that can happen? anybody want to see a skull? ha ha ha! hatchet jim, you have excellent taste. cheesy skeleton mix bag of bones.
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(dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! >> jon: here it is... your moment of zen. >> a statement from the queen has been published. the details. what does it say?
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♪ (eagle caw) (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the report," everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause)


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