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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  November 27, 2014 1:35am-2:08am PST

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>> jon: that's our show. if you get a chance, tomorrow night, thursday night we're going to do what they call a sneak preview of the film rose water and simulcast it to a bunch of theatres and afterwards young stephen colbert who is a talented interviewer will talk to me and the journalist. get a chance to join us for that, great. if not, we will see you tomorrow at 11:00. if not, your moment of zen. >> to fight the 230 particular she got on halloween day a caused with dozens of other drivers of not stopping to let a six foot four donald duck cross
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central [crowd cheering] [crowd chanting] >> stephen: welcome to the report everybody. thank you so for joining us.
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thanks, everybody. [crowd cheering] thanks for being here. thank you. thank you in here out there all around the world, mr. and mrs. america. i want to thank you folks. i want to thank you folk for joining us on this, on this what i believe is the last day of america. [laughter] this is it, nation. no, no, this is it, date we all feared would come, ever since we were told it would come several months ago has come at last. [laughter] because tonight at 8:00 pm mexican standard time. generalissimo obama announced his unilateral plan to allow four million illegal immigrants to remain in america without fear of deportation. it turns out this whole time we've been building that wall to
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keep them in. [laughter] [applause] submitted for your approval. [laughter] i do not smoke. [laughter] but folk, the president's speech is at 8:00 tonight. we are taping our show at 7:30, so i don't know one word of what he's going to say. but i do know there's only one way to describe it. >> it's not an executive order, it's executive amnesty. >> the president will prove forward with executive amnesty. >> executive amnesty for illegal immigrants in this country. >> executive amnesty. >> executive amnesty. >> executive amnesty. >> stephen: regular amnesty isn't good enough for barrack.
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my great great grandfather did not come here from ireland to see this country overrun by immigrants. he came here because he killed a guy. i mean what happened to checks and balances served. there's supposed to be three batches of government. executive, judicial and spitefl e enertis. >> the emperor of the united states is going to declare war on the u.s. constitution. >> stephen: oh hail barackus
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maximus. this lawless overreach makes me fear for my nation. i just hope calmer heads and voices of reason prevail. or if not, maybe tom coburn. >> the country's going to do it next because they're going to see it outside of the authority of the president. and it's going to be a very dangerous situation. you're going to see hopefully not, but you can see instances of anarchy. you can see balance. >> stephen: that's right. if barack does not support the people already here i can't imagine when people wake up to see how same things are. ladies and gentlemen, we will have more on this story two days ago when i talked about it for like 12 minutes. isn't that enough. it's the holidays for pete's
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sake. nation, i'm about to scare you half to death. so whatever you do, don't watch this twice. this is the threatdown. first up long time viewers know that i am a person. that's why my favorite magazine is people and each year it determines the sexiest man alive. it's a formula that takes into account jawline ruggedness, abs back quantity. this year the reputation has the preeminent supermarket impulse buy. >> people magazine has named its sexiest man alive for 2014 and the winner goes to australian actor chris hemsworth. he was known to movie fans as
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the hammer wielding -- >> stephen: chris hemsworth. how is he the sexiest man alive. he's not even the sexiest hemsworth alive. which brings me to number three, america's decline of standards of sexiness. this has to be said. first of all an australian. there's nothing sexy about the aussies. you can't see their abs because of the pouch they have in front. this isn't about the title goings to chris hemsworth, it's about it not going to mathew mcconaughey. folks, the last time i checked, he's still alive and as god is my witness, he is a man. and yet somehow he hasn't been the sexiest man alive since 2009. it's been nine years of butter faces. plus sexiness historians will some day mark this epoch as the
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mcconaughey-ssaince. imagine if people magazine hadn't published this cover. hey, crossbow to my head, sure. this is your last warning people magazine. you hang in there big mac. i know things look rough now but just keep living and you'll be all right, all right, all right,. [cheers and applause] next up, i consider myself a real chocoholic. for me hershey kisses are not enough. i want full hershey penetration. i don't care if it's in the form of syrup, bar, taco or whatever
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extrude the polymer to the tootsie. >> they are eating chocolate faster than cocoa farmers can grow their crops. we're going to run out of chocolate in five years. it's going to be a chocolate shortage. we're not making enough of it for as much as we're eating. >> stephen: that's right. the world is running out of chocolate which would explain today's happy cartoon. folks. don't do it. don't do it. this cocoa catastrophe brings me to number two. this show is largely dough to the rising popularity of dark chocolate which contains more cocoa than traditional chocolate bars. oh yes, dark chocolate. it's for people who like milk chocolate but wished it tasted
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less good. bring on the bitter. we may run out of chocolate completely. it would be the cocoageddon. i would rather eat fruit. finally folks i always loved studying american history from george washington chopping down the cherry tree to abraham lincoln chopping down those vampires. over the past weekend i heard a frightening claim from turkish president and elvish greeting recep tayyip erdogan. and what this man said could rewrite american history faster than a texas school board. >> [speaking foreign language]8
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>> stephen: what? that doesn't make any sense. 1178 doesn't even rhyme with sail the ocean blue. but folks, as disturbing as it is, it may be true because the turkish president is citing a chinese document from 1178 claiming muslim sailors reached california. as well as a passage from columbus' journal in which he mentions the existence of a mosque on a hill on the cuban coast, which is all the proof i need. because the man who set out for china, only the land in the bahamas and declares the native people indians, never got anything wrong. and this turkish -- [crowd cheering]
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and this turkish lack of delight brings me to threat number one. muslim invaders of the new world. folks these revelations mean not only are foreigners sneaking over our borders they've been doing it for six centuries longer than we've had borders. thanks a lot 12th century obama. [cheers and applause] this revelation, this revelation calls into question everything i know about early american history. what's next, are people going to say columbus didn't fight the pilgrims at the battle of miami. it saddens me some people want to change the beautiful story of america's discovery. christians i was taught. landed on these pristine shores and were welcome by the native people. and then we spent the next five centuries carrying out, do you know what let's say the muslims were hear first. were hear first. we'll be right back.
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ias the people of this , little belgian town waited for the crowning moment ♪ nature had other plans but... with the help of the masters of the artois brewery a new star was born stella artois. originally brewed as a beautiful holiday gift. for the people of leuven, belgium. >> stephen: welcome back everybody. my guest is the host of the daily show, please welcome jon stewart. [cheers and applause]
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>> stephen: jon, good to see you again. [crowd chanting. [ is that how you introduce the guests. >> stephen: every night. i say it over there and i run over here. [laughter] yes. >> i just don't know how sustainable something like that is. >> stephen: 12 more shows. [laughter] savor me. welcome to my parlor said the spider to the fly. >> are you trying to nail me. you're not going to nail me my friend. >> i used to be inside the belly of the beast. i used to work for you forgot. i remember thing you said behind
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closed doors and behind i can reveal that for 15 years, i used to be over there with your writers and their opium bangs. how many writes do you have. >> i'm going to say this, behind closed doors i only quote rabbiniccal text. >> stephen: there are scribes writing down everything you say. >> that's right. >> and you say let it be written. >> thank you. i open every meeting and i'veéj. on the one hand. [laughter] but on the other hand, i don't know. you know that's how i've always liberated.
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>> now every voice of the left, more young people get their news from you. >> most young people. 87% of young people. those who don't get their news from me from the show, i will go to their dorm rooms. i go into the dorm rooms and i will give them generally usually a synopsis. i am like santa. i come down the chimney of the liberal news. >> stephen: run down the big news, here's your dime bag and out you go. [crowd cheering] >> exactly right. you have to. >> stephen: it's the dime bag because you're on basic cable. >> unless they're high the ideas don't seep in because. >> stephen: you weaken their minds. >> when you're out there, and if i may say this. >> stephen: please. >> when you're trying to change the world as we do.
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>> stephen: activate the youths, jon. that's one thing, your entire career was to activate the youth vote. >> we tried desperately tried to activate the youth vote. >> stephen: how does it feel to know your entire career would just as well be shoved into a sock. >> that's unfair. >> stephen: you have wasted your life. we'll be right back with more of this man. what would you give someone who convinced you to follow your dreams with one cross country roadtrip? the greatest gift for someone who gave you these moments... is to give those moments back. dewar's. the most awarded blended scotch in history. [ shutter clicks ] hi there! [ laughs ] -i'm flo! -i know! i'm going to get you your rental car. this is so ridiculous. we're going to manage your entire repair process from paperwork to pickup, okay, little tiny baby?
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>> stephen: welcome back everybody. i'm here with my, i'm here with my old friend and nemesis, one old piece of humanity, mr. jon stewart. now jon you've got a new movie, it's called rosewater, okay. >> yes. >> stephen: i've seen the film and it's a beautiful film and that offends me. why is it that you can do your show, and i may not agree with
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your show but i think you do it well and yet you also are now doing something else well. you know you have to stay in your lane. you have to stay in your gestation crate, all right. you're not allowed to move out of your crate. you understand that, right? >> that's for my own safety by the way. >> stephen: that's right. last summer you bugged out. you grew a beard and went to jordan. >> i didn't even grow a beard, they gave it to me like a lei they just give it to you. >> stephen: that's fantastic. >> a gentleman greeted me, he put this on and said you are free to part whatever waters you want. now this is the story of a man named -- >> an iranian journalist. they arrested him, stephen. 2009. this is a story of expression. >> stephen: we have a clip
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actually. let me set the clip up if i can sure. here's the clip. [crowd cheering] >> what are you doing. >> fighting back. >> you have to get killed some more. >> they took my boat. it's not right. >> so that footage that you saw is actual footage during the 2009, that actual and as it rolls a gentleman gets killed on the ramparts. it's the real footage and i was arrested having that footage up loaded to the bbc and broadcast. >> this is the reason they
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arrested him for uploading that footage. >> that's right. >> they cited him going on the daily show being interviewed. >> when he was being interrogated they played for him a clip. they had done an interview with jason. it's something you remember from doing those are. interviewing him he said i'm an american spy. as a spy i would like to know can you tell me why it's so terrifying. and he goes through all the reasons saying why america and iran are not so different. they played that for him in prison and said to him why is an american spy talking to you if you're not a spy. and mazzir said why does an american spy have a television show. and i believe it went downhill from there. [laughter] >> is that not an evil thing for iran to have done? >> the evil is relatively rare. ignorance is epidemic. i would qualifier that as ig
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innovator, yet not necessarily evil. and within the film we show a broad swap of iranian society to show how complex and nuanced and textured it actually is. iranian is not now, i know you've spoken about this before that you very much want america to be the only country. and05dp i have to tell you ... >> stephen: there is america and then there are countries. >> i understand that. it's an admirable plan. but rather than, and again we haven't really had a chance to sit down and hash this out. rather than killing everybody else, what if we were to coexist with them in some type of fashion. >> it looks like a bumper stitcher that people have. >> not in a but not necessarily bending to our will. >> but they will do what we say. [laughter] >> are there better ways of doing things than we do things. or are you a blame america
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first. let me ask you this. do you think, are people in iran- [laughter] >> stephen how many of these have i done. i've done a lot. [laughter] >> i'm so glad you're on my show before the show is over. [cheers and applause] jon stewart. rosewater. rosewater. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ [laughter] ♪
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>> stephen: that's the report everybody, good night. captioniy comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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test. >> it's 11:59. and 59 seconds this happened on reddit there is scientific research proving dogs are among the most ma guess particular intelligence infewive animals in existence. for example watch as these dogs are in a race an play food driss traction. this is grace and focus. whou wow! amazing. incredible. that is what success looks like. i identify with that dog. he's got his eye on the prize. he's not sidetracked by the bull [bleep] life throws at him. but then there's this


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