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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 18, 2014 3:07pm-3:40pm PST

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but folks, you know as much as i love ribs, there's one part that i hate: the ribs. those bones are taking up precious meat space. [laughter] that's why i've always loved the mcdonalds mcrib sandwich. [cheers and applause] and i'm not alone. you see it's shaped like a slab of ribs but it's just the good part. [laughter] and possibly the bad parts. why know what it's in it but it's delicious. which is why i was so mcthrilled to mchear the mcnews. mcjim? >> there's good news for mcdonalds lovers the mcrib sand sandwich is back. >> >> stephen: the mcrib is back. ladies and gentlemen, for the first time nationwide in 16 years. it's like a phoenix rising from the ashes and then being deboned, mechanically separated
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and reformed with a tasty sauce shra *ored mcpatty. but folks there is one problem. -- >> on november 2 they are coming out with mcribs at every single mcdonalds location for a limited period of time. >> stephen: november 2. that's election day. oh, you feel it, too. it's a calculated political ploy by mcdonalds. i'm not the only one who thinks so, right, completely undoctored footage. could this much pub list sides. >> mcrib. >> says this is not about politics. >> mcdonalds. >> certainly it's not going to pull out half a million people like. >> burger king. >> it's delicious. >> here is the thing about this one. >> mayor mccheese and the grimace. mcrib sandwich on tuesday.
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>> why in god's name is -- >> the hamburglar. >> mcrib. >> of course it's -- >> stephen: yes, monica crowley -- [cheers and applause] nothing can happen in america and in the be political. but who is behind this plot, folks? at first like monica crowley i suspected mayor mccheese who was weathering allegations of an affair with the grimace. the worst part of telling whether the affair was gay or not. [laughter] nothing. [laughter] then i realized this has to be a concerted effort by liberal it's suppress republican turnout. you wait in line to vote if you are waiting in line for a mcrib. [laughter] so, ladies and gentlemen, i'm calling on mcdonalds to give
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away mcribs at polling places all across america -- [cheers and applause] -- that way we can raise our sauce stained fingers to let the world know we've participated in the two greatest american traditions: democracy and deep fat fries. the other big event coming up this weekend is my rally to restore sanity. [cheers and applause] here is the thing. here is the thing: if tkpwourg to the -- if you are going to the rally -- [cheers and applause] -- well, there's an app for that, okay. go to itunes or the ann -- andestroyed store and there's an app search for sanity fear and make sure it looks like this.
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and we'll put that up later. [laughter] and it's really cool. [laughter] it's cool. you can use the app to get directions to the rally, check in on foresquare, post photos on facebook and twitter and you'll get a special video message from jon and me on the morning of the rally. this app will truly enhance your rally experience because nothing brings people together like ignoring each other to stare at their phones. [cheers and applause] [laughter] now one thing -- [laughter] look at that look at that. look at that. and it's free. one thing this app won't tell you is what to fear. so it is time to give you a refresher course in the five basic fear groups. in the first installment of my one-part series stephen colbert's fear for all. [cheers and applause]
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thank you. you help me keep fear alive by scaring the crap out of me. you are my fears. aaron hickland you are the editor in chief of out magazine, the vice president of the farm marketers union and the expecter director of nyu's islamic center. and david the project leader at the money minnesota department of natural resources. daniel lee, and you do research in artificial intelligence. [laughter] there's no glass shield between us. there's not even a sneeze guard. i'm less protected than lettuce at a salad bar. why shouldn't i be afraid of you? mexican guy? >> i don't think anybody should be afraid of mexicans. >> stephen: take our jobs. they are taking our jobs.
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>> we most of the time do the jobs that no americans want to do. >> stephen: when did you sneak into this country. in 1973. >> stephen: when are you leaving? >> i'm not leaving. >> stephen: are you lost? no. gay go i, first of all -- gay guy, first of all, thank you for coming and stop it. i see what you are doing and i get it and it's not like i don't feel it too. [laughter] you are trying to convert me right now and then once i'm gay you'll try to gay marry me. it's part of the agenda but it will not work because i have the shield up right new. it can stop the torpedoes. it's not going to work. you are weakening my defenses. i grant you that. [laughter] you are attractive, slim and british.
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what is the difference between being english and being gay? >> it's exactly the same thing. [laughter] i like people to come out of the closet. >> >> stephen: you think there are secret gay people out there? >> they are in the closet. >> stephen: i call them surprise gays. >> people like ted haggard and doogie. >> stephen: he was in for a while. that was shock for a lot of us that would have been perfectly comfortable to have a 16-year-old doctor checking for a hernia and now we know that would have been terrified because that would have been a gay person. do bears demonstrate homosexual behavior? >> occasionally. >> stephen: are you happy about that. let's move on. bear guy, why are you so probear >> i'm interested in
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conservation of bear if that's what you mean by probear. >> stephen: are you afraid of bears? >> no. >> stephen: so if you were to shra *or you with honey and push you out in wyoming with bears you would be like i'm fine, nothing is going to happen to me. >> yes. >> stephen: i mairnate in salmon. no bear is going to take you down? >> no. >> stephen: you are living in a fantasy world. [laughter] i'm dragging you behind a jeep. >> that's the least of my worries. it would be bees or other insects. >> stephen: let's talk to the robot guy for a second. robot guy you are extremely life like. a warm skin tone. you look human. >> i'm in the a robot. >> stephen: you are not a robot. muslim guy imam khalid where is
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bin lad season in. >> i don't know. >> stephen: you are not going to tell me? >> you realize that muslims are not -- >> we can't brand an enfire community through the actions of a few. >> stephen: i think we have. the actions have proven you wrong. >> there's an element of flawed logic to that statement. >> stephen: but it's logic. it's better than no logic. [laughter] >> with we talk about stereotypes and we say all white people are like this. >> stephen: what are all white people like? >> i don't know. >> stephen: you just said it. so i'm the victim. [laughter] this is the part where you and i agree i'm the victim in our relationship. >> i don't think you know why you're the victim. >> stephen: doesn't matter why. i am the victim. [laughter] when we return we'll find out who else is victimizing me on the finale of stephen
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: thanks, everybody. welcome back before. the break i reintrue deuced to you the fears we'll be sharing
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at my rally this saturday. and now dramatic conclusion of: stephen colbert's fear for all. ♪ [screams] >> stephen: thank you so much for being here to help me stay scared of you. we know muslims attacked us on 9/11. you admitted that. we know the mexicans are here to take our jobs. we know that bears are mindless killing machines waiting to rise up against up and we know that gay people all want to make us gay and gay marry us. those are the reasons why you are here today. robots don't feel owe motions? >> no. >> stephen: what about mexicans do they feel emotions? >> they do. >> stephen: they do. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. i know muslims fear anger and gay people are often very sad. what about bears? do they feel emotions they do. robots don't have emotions do. they feel pain? >> no.
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>> stephen: do mexicans feel pain? >> yes. >> stephen: muslim guy, am i right about that, the rage? >> not necessarily. >> stephen: so they attacked us out of joy? >> it's aingeer is an emotion. muslims feel anger. they feel compassion and mercy. >> stephen: when were you ral call? >> i was never radical. >> stephen: check out a mirror sometime it's terrifies. do you find head gear involved with being gay? >> no more or less than anything else. >> stephen: there's no equipment or anything? there's googles. [laughter] who sends out all the gay messages to different gay people to tell you what now we're going to do to undermine america. >> there's no head gay guy. there's a lot of irrational fear out there. i'm not concerned about people's fears. i'm concerned about equality.
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>> stephen: i know what you call equality is an attack on me. if you get more rights i get fewer rights. >> the basis of american democracy is minority rights are enshrined and protected by the constitution. >> stephen: how dare someone with a british accent lecture me on that. [laughter] >> i can't help my accent. >> stephen: like being gay, being british is a choice. >> it's a fallacy that it's a choice. >> stephen: this say family show and i with rather you not use the word fallacy. bear guy, would you like to marry a bear. how about robots. >> they can't love. >> stephen: hispanic guys, hispanics will outnumber whites in the united states. should i be scared that when you outnumber us you are going to
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take revenge on guys like me who let's face it said things that are not the nicest. >> we'll get to that point and we'll see. we don't want to be in control. we want things to be fair staoefrpblgt that's terrifying. [laughter] do you meet with each other when i'm not around? is there a room of doom -- no. all right. i want to thank you all for being here. i also want to give you an opportunity to thank me because if i wasn't afraid of you, you wouldn't have to speak up for your communities. so you're welcome. [laughter] group hug? group hug. come on, get in here. come on, guys. wireless networks are awesome. they're big, fast d dependable. and at net10 wireless, we let you tweet text, talk and surf...on those amazing nationwide networks
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: my guest tonight is an author and illustrator who spent
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years traveling across america. i'll ask her what she spied with her little eye. please welcome maira kalman. [cheers and applause] hey, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] thanks for coming on. [cheers and applause] let's get that right, did you spend a year traveling across america? >> a full year. >> stephen: starting when? >> 12 months. it started with the obama inauguration. >> stephen: on that day you were at the inauguration you said this isn't going to turn out well, i'm goff to get out of here. drove as far as possible? >> we drove to new jersey and stopped at the walt whitman rest stop. >> stephen: i stopped there once. >> it seemed like the most amazing time, this time of hope and energy and optimism and the country being sexy. >> stephen: less than two years ago. >> feels look a long time. >> stephen: does the country still feel sexy? >> i'm looking for it. that's the point of the book.
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it's crazy to think he should have done something extraordinary in one minute and that every country has many problems. >> stephen: you talk about a lot of people in our history who have done extraordinary things. put up the cover of the book there q. and the pursuit of happiness." that is your painting of ben franklin. >> that's the hat he wore in marie antoinette's court. >> stephen: is that obama crazy for a hat. >> he might want to wear one if he sees this. >> stephen: i love this book because unlike a lot of authors who jam their book full of words like it's a contest or something. [laughter] you have so many beautiful illustrations in here. let's put up one of the next illustrations we have here? what is this? >> it's a bed. >> stephen: i love it. >> i love it. don't you love a bed. it's thomas jefferson's bed. >> stephen: that's tom
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jefferson's bed. >> oh, you call him tom. >> stephen: i do. we're friends. yeah. tom jefferson's bed. it's in the middle of a wall. >> he designed this place called monticello which everybody should go to tonight. >> stephen: after the rally. >> he designed this bed in an alcove one side was his room and one side was the bedroom. >> stephen: he decided literally which side of bed to get up on in the morning. this is the cherry pie on the red tray in the base cafeteria is a momentary bright spot. where were you when you painted this? >> i went to fort campbell kentucky. an artist from new york is not usually going to hang out in an army base in kentucky. i asked the the "new york times" to send me to places i would not
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normally go. i met straeurd people and incredible pie. >> stephen: it hr-plz looks like you painted this to write it off as a book deduction. it's the loosest form of history. it's almost like america not by facts but by feelings. >> i think that's why the "new york times" asked me to do this. >> stephen: you are not interested in facts. >> have you read the paiper. q. there's nothing --[laughter] the notion is that there's a person, an artist and a writer who soon innocent in a way and has an optimistic point of view about the country. i don't have an agenda. i don't know what i'm going to do or say. that's the point. i don't want to get bored. i don't want to bore you or anybody else in the world. i'm going to write as little as possible and give you information that i think is interesting and amazing. >> stephen: let's go to another fantastic illustration. this is abraham lincoln.
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>> my man. >> stephen: almost literally i looked deep into his eyes and found -- describe to people the way you imagined your experience with him? >> i thought woe be the most incredible boyfriend. if i were married to him instead of mary todd lincoln history would have been different. >> stephen: are you more or less crazy than mary todd lincoln? >> more crazy. i fell in love with him. was a genius. went to school for a year. he was very kind which is an important part of a man. >> stephen: as i said before the book reads and looks because it's such a beautiful visual experience that -- of how you feel about america and how america sort of feels at you. how do you feel america and how does america feel about you? >> i think america's an extraordinary country. i don't think there's a place on
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earth that has the kind of sense of humor and can-do spirit. >> stephen: how does america feel about you? >> they don't know me very well. >> stephen: take care of yourself. >> thank you. >> stephen: maira kalman the book is "and the pursuit of happiness." good get it. that it's given me time toabout reflect on some of life'seen biggest questions. like, if you could save hundreds on car insurance by making one simple call, why wouldn't you make that call? see, the only thing i can think of is that you can't get any... bars. ah, that's better. it's a beautiful view. i wonder if i can see mt. rushmore from here.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, ladies and gentleman. i have got to say, folks, thank you. i'm not-- i got to say, that
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chanting had a very appealing mindlessness. (laughter) >> stephen: nation, with 2012 right around the corner everybody out there wants to know what republicans are going to run for president. and somehow, and i don't know how, fox news has the inside scoop. >> today march 2nd, fox news has suspended its contributor arrangements with former house speaker newt gingrich and former pennsylvania senator richard santorum, both of whom have signaled possible runs are for the president. >> what the-- what? (laughter) >> stephen: suspended? with these two off the air how will i ever know how conservatives feel about taxes. who careses if they're signaling they're running for president. you know how i signaled i was running for president? i ran for president. in the hail to the sea nacho cheese presidential campaign.
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okay. i didn't suspend me from my show. (laughter) whenever i reported on it, i just added the word, coverage. to distinguish between when i was speaking as a candidate, speaking as a journalist and speaking as a corporate schill. i think are you setting a bad precedent here. because a lot of your contributorses have signaled that they might be running for president. if you suspend these guys next you're going to have to suspend mike huckabee, sarah palin, john bolton. luckily this does not affect glenn beck because base on his show he's looking past 2012 and running for archduke of the post apocalyptic afterstate. (cheers and applause) he's got a real shot at it. nation, my eyes cream, park mericone dream is near and dear to my heart. in fact my

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