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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 25, 2015 9:14am-9:46am PDT

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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. great show for you tonight. our guest, jon ronson, author of "so you've been publically shamed", a book-length investigation of my senior prom night. tremendously funny man. i wanted to check back in with some stories we've been following. last night we spoke about the department of veterans affairs and their rather ironic disregard for the affairs of veterans.
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(laughter) specifically their relatively new "choice program", designed to help veterans receive out-of-network health care to avoid a wait time of four to five... eons. (laughter) but one of the program's rules denied thousands of vets eligibility, because they lived less than 40 miles from a v.a. clinic. "as the crow flies." because that is the least meaningful way to judge how hard it is to get somewhere for non-crows! >> i cannot believe how young i look. (laughter) >> jon: well! guess what folks -- not six hours after we aired that damning piece of investigating jokelism the v.a. folds. >> officials say they're relaxing a rule that makes it hard for some veterans in rural
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areas to prove they live at least 40 miles from a v.a. health site. they measure the trip driving miles wrath than "as the crow flies." >> jon: boom! (cheers and applause) >> jon: sorry crows! sounds like you're gonna have to drive to the doctor just like everyone else. and what's more, that small adjustment will actually "double" the number of veterans eligible for the program! (cheers and applause) now, some naysayers out there will say but the v.a. made that decision before "the daily show" wrote, taped and aired that piece, and "the daily show" just didn't know about that because that information hadn't been made public yet. (bleep) that. (cheers and applause) i say credit where credit is
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due! oh yeah my friends! (flamingo music) (laughter) >> jon: all right, that wasn't what i -- sorry about that. yeah, my friends! (steel drums) just, if i may -- probably, my guitar isn't sounding as guitar soundy, like that, too. so -- >> guitar sound... >> jon: all right, (bleep). that's fine. (bleep). (cheers and applause) i want to update you on a story from last week. an anti-sex trafficking bill was
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fought in congress when it was wondered if fines for sex trafficking could be used by victims for abortions. democrats received dumbassry points for not introducing it in committee. the g.o.p. refused to confirm attorney general loretta lynch until the democrats stopped blocking the sex trafficking bill. but good news. some reported sightings of that rarest of beasts, legislative compromise. >> let's make this fund subject to the annual appropriations process, subject to the appropriations committee and the usual riders that have existed for 39 years. it would basically again maintain the status quo. >> jon: cornyn is basically saying, all right, democrats, (bleep) it. how about we do knotting? here's your out, we pass the
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anti-sex trafficking bill with the anti-abortion language but have it adhere to the anti-abortion rules democrats have accepted for decades. is it everything democrats want? no. but it's the best they're going to get because they lost the election in the midterms and playing second fidl in the senate now so better accept it. like being playing two in mario brothers. you get to play but you have to be luwegee -- dplor fide wing man standing by as his more charismatic brother has weird interactions with the princess but if he's lucky gets to settle for a lack luster hand job from whatever this thing is. we don't know! (cheers and applause) democrats should accept it! they turned down the offer and took a different approach to pushing lynches confirmation through. >> loretta lynch, the first
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african-american woman nominated to be attorney general is asked to sit in the back of the bus when it comes to the senate calendar. >> jon: oh for (bleep) sake. no, she's not being asked. she's waiting on a confirmation vote tied to another bill. it's not -- you know mix guess is there is not a senate procedural motion you could subject a person to that would rise to the level of jim crow segregation. changing the amendment procedure makes me like a cherokee on the paper trail of tears. no! (laughter) unless someone thinks they can outrace hyperbolized senator durbin. >> they come from states that used to have slaves and they've enjoyed the concept that if
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you're white automatically you're superior. they can't help themselves. >> jon: the same way i can't help myself from saying very dumb things! for instance here's something i said -- what if beards grew faster if you watered them? (laughter) i can't help myself! you know, he is -- here's my own prejudice when i close my eyes, that is my grandfather talking. (laughter) i feel pretty certain this race is an accusation of (bleep) but i'm not 100% sure. so i'm gonna go ahead and use my "phone a black friend." >> jessica: hello? >> jon: jessica, i need your help and i only have thirty
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seconds. are republicans holding up loretta lynch's confirmation because they're racist, or are democrats just trolling? >> jessica: is this paul? >> jon: jessica, the clock is ticking! >> jessica: i'm just messing with you, jon! the democrats are trolling definitely. >> jon: that's what i thought! it's wickedy-whack, yo! right? (dial tone) >> jon: -- he, hello? (cheers and applause) >> jon: i thought so. crazy democrats. republicans holding up lynch's nomination isn't them being racist, it's them being them. >> in the history of the country, 168 phil busters of presidential nominees about half during the obama administration. >> jon: they don't need a reason to hold up an obama appointee! it's part of their daily routine. you wake up to a post-er of reagan and jesus on a horse
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blocking some appointee -- really? reagan in the front? i thought the son of god would be steering. i don't see the guy single-handedly ending the cold war in the back though. maybe a two-headed jesus-reagan hybrid. yes! how god intended. if anything republicans are treating whrinch with the same low level of respect reserved for all obama appointees. democrats risk big ignored when the race card is justified which it is a lot. it's like when republicans try to limit early voting or oppose voter i.d. even when the wolf is real most people are not giving a (bleep). we'll be right back. (brad) holy cats! has, has anybody else been experiencing a snail infestation? no? i'll tell
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you later. polygons. without them: no shapes. without shapes, our world has no form. but you can use the polygonal search tool on the new apartments-dot-com to define the area in which you want to find your next apartment. there. what if i lived in that area? oh,interesting. change your apartment... change the world.
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will twizzlers mixed berry bites ever end their rivalry with jolly rancher filled gummy bites? not today. bites. little greatness. sometimes the present looked bright.
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sometimes romantic. there were tears in my eyes. and tears in my eyes. and so many little things that we learned were really the biggest things. through it all, we saved and had a retirement plan. and someone who listened and helped us along the way. because we always knew that someday the future would be the present. every someday needs a plan. talk with us about your retirement today. (cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! did you know that more than half the country are women? it's true. and yet, somehow, more than half the money goes to men. >> according to the census bureau, women earn 78 cents for every dollar made my men. >> a new study conducted by the institute for women's policy research indicates that american women wont see equal pay until
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2050. >> jon: right around the time scientists predict the earth will completely be covered in water. hope your precious money floats, ladies. we're joined by senior women's issues correspondent kristen schaal. (cheers and applause) kristen, this news i just relayed is bleak. >> what? this is "incredible" news! tonight we're gonna party like it's 2058! can't stop me! hey, can i borrow your credit card? i haven't achieved equality yet. it's not for a while. >> jon: i don't know why it's going to take so long. i know how to solve this. let's pay women the same as men! come on! come on, yeah! let's do it! let's do it! you're welcome ladies!
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(cheers and applause) >> you did it, jon! >> jon: whoo! we can pass a law! >> oh, you mean like pass a law guaranteeing equal pay? >> jon: boom! >> that's a genius idea... for 1963, when the equal pay act was passed. hey, jon, you heard of these four mop-tops out of liverpool? i think they're gonna be "big!" >> jon: wait, '63? so what was the lily ledbetter act a few years ago. >> that just made it easier to sue if someone broke the 1963 law. a lot of people assumed that law was just for show. >> jon: but still, that's great. we got equal pay! so... kristen schaal, everybody! that was a short piece, but we'll be right back. everybody take care and -- >> no! stop! we're not done here! camera!... you stay on me. you, lock the doors! because there are two wage gaps. there you are! >> jon: what!
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yes! one of your classic, oh, hey lady here's your paycheck, uh, wait one second... oh, yeah, there you go. >> jon: why did you rip some of that. >> oh, i don't know, your chromosomes, felt like it. but it gets worse! >> jon: worse than this? yes, the systemic wage gap! complicated word. >> jon: you can say the system-ic or systemic! it's bar-bar! >> ic! >> jon: yes! for sure! obviously, you're talking about the system that prints the paychecks wrong. >> jon, you don't have any idea what i'm talking about. >> jon: no. society makes it easier for men to go into higher paying jobs and supports them more when they get them. >> jon: we have to provide
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women more education childcare change the messaging, how complicated could bit? >> not very complicated. but here are less complicated things before then. >> makers of a ground breaking flying car say it will go on sale in 2017. >> of course, we're getting flying cars, for decades we've been telling flying cars, "we want you to achieve your full potential!" we've only started to say that to women. and that's just the beginning. >> jon: i've seen the jetsons! give me something real! >> how's this for real? >> 3d printers can make some amazing things these days. one man says that, ten years from now, he will be able to print an entire human heart. >> jon: holy (bleep). you're telling me we're going to print a human heart out of a xerox machine before women get pay equality? >> no, i'm telling you we're going to print human hearts out
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, one of my favorites, best selling author of the book, "so you've been publically shamed," please welcome back to our program jon ronson! jon! (cheers and applause) >> jon: it's jon ronson, everybody! (cheers and applause) so you have been publicly seemed. -- shamed. jon ronson, you are a man about town, the most interesting man in the world. what do you know about being publicly shamed? >> i used to be a keen shamer.
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>> jon: you were a shamer? i was a shamer for a while. >> jon: you shamed others? yes. one time i accidentally typed my name into google and discovered there was another jon ronson on twitter with my name and my face, and as i looked in surprise at its time line, he tweeted, going home, got to get a recipe for a huge plate of mutton in a bath of mayonnaise hashtag yummy! >> jon: and that was not you. no, i was, like, who are you? he said, i'm dreaming about time and (bleep). they were following me in -- people in real life were following me who were wondering why i was bash nat at fusion cooking and dreaming of (bleep). if i dream of (bleep) i tend to
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keep it to myself! >> jon: can you tell you though, that is your famous english reserve. >> anyway, i discovered academics. we consider it an info moth. so i felt like a tightness in my chest now. so i met them. anyway, i met them and i filmed the encounter and put it on youtube and i was screechy, and they told me they were annoyed with me because what right did i have to be the only jon ronson. >> jon: but it was your picture. >> my picture. >> jon: tough right to your face! >> i think so. i figured, you know i've spent 47 years trying to work out what my identity is and i didn't want someone else to grab it from me. anyway, i posted the video and i was worried people would knock me for my screechiness but, no
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everybody like strangers from around the world united to tell me i was right and they were monsters. so i was like, giddy with joy! and them people were like going (bleep) them! destroy them! break them! pun upch them in the face! i thought, oh my god! it's like i had a pitch fork! we were crawling towards a gun i felt with the social media. >> jon: and this all started with a little dream about (bleep). just a sweet little (bleep) dream. >> right. and i decided i wanted to meet the people we had torn apart because we tear apart people all the time. >> jon: some people even have a show devoted to it. >> right. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> so what you don't do is tear apart and disproportionately punish an ordinary person with
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170 twitter followers that makes a joke on twitter that lands badly. >> jon: you got in touch with this woman jestine sakko. >> yes. >> jon: what was her store? she had 170 twitter followers, traveling from new york to cape town tweeting jokes to her 170 followers. when she was at heathrow she tweeted, going to africa, hope i don't get aids. just kidding. i'm white. so... (audience reacts) >> jon: mmm... the kind of thing you might say in a bathroom to yourself. >> yeah. or if you were writing a very very bad episode of south park. (laughter) so she chuckled to herself, pressed send got no replies. she felt the sad feeling we all feel when the internet doesn't congratulate us for being funny. she got on the plane, fell asleep, woke up in waytown turned on the phone,
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straightaway there was a text from somebody she hadn't spoken to hence high school that said i'm so sorry to see what's happening to you and while she leapt on the plane she was destroyed. >> jon: on twitter. and in real life. >> jon: in the world. exactly. because that combination of words. i mean, as i lay in bed and i saw that tweet over on my time line, i thought what everybody else thought is -- >> jon: she's a monster, kill her! yes! so then i thought, i'm not sure that's a racist tweet. surely there's a tradition of people not gleefully flaunting white privilege but -- >> jon: dark humor. while she was slepter, she was oblivious to her destruction. i don't mean crazy trolls i mean nice people like us. it's like the hashtag worldwide hasn't landed yet and then 100,000 people are waiting in
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the dark for her to land for them to, like, jump out and shout, books the worst surprise party ever. (laughter) and when you ask her how she is now, like i ask some people who shamed her how they think she is, they say i'm sure she's fine. but she wasn't fine. i mean after a year and a half she might be now, but, my god what is this terrifying world coming to? >> jon: can i tell you something? you're a brilliant and interesting dude. i love this idea. (cheers and applause) as always, it's jon ronson, you know it's going to be funny and interesting. "so you've been publically shamed," on the bookshelves march 31. jon ronson everybody.
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that's our show! here it is your moment of zen! >> there is hidden racism, rampant in the house and the senate. if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a captioning sponsored by
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comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> larry: tonightly, we ask the question can a foreign-born half-white man be our next president? the answer according to ( laughter ) ted cruz went to harvard, just like unabomber ted kaczynski. hey, harvard stop admitting dudes named ted. so throw it into cruz control, this is "the nightly show." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
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>> larry: yeah. thank you very much. what a great crowd. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm larry wilmore. oh, man big story tonight. i can barely contain myself. this is true, you guys. i got my first gift as a late night host. >> the 2016 presidential season is now under way. freshman senator ted cruz, texas tea party star and political thorn in the side of his own republican colleagues, is first in. >> larry: thank you, thank you, thank you thank you. you guys don't understand how wonderful this is. this is a gift from the comedy god. i mean, cruz is a guy that even fellow republican john mccain called a wacko bird. ( laughter ) thanks for your service, senator mccain. ( laughter ) but any time a crazy guy enters an election you have a late night show job security for a little while longer.

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