tv The Daily Show Comedy Central October 29, 2019 1:40am-2:15am PDT
- but the museum tells us to be tolerant. - yes, the museum! - the museum tells us! - tolerant but not stupid! look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! if you had to like it, it'd be called the museum of acceptance. tolerate means you're just putting up with it. you tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane, or you tolerate a bad cold. it can still piss you off! jesus-tap-dancing-christ! - he's right. our boys didn't hate homosexuals, they just hated the way this asshole was acting. - we've gotta get our boys back! - huh! so now can i please get fired and get my $25 million? - no, no, i think i have a better idea. - we're sorry, boys, why didn't you tell us your teachers were acting so over the top? - yes, you boys don't know how much we've suffered! - come on, let's go. - but this is insane! - i'm sorry, mr. garrison,
but it's obvious you aren't tolerant of your own behavior. - vhat do we have here, new recruits? i assure you, the next veek will be nothing but pain and suffering! - oooh, this could be kind of fun. ohh! - ♪ lemmiwinks has made it out the tale is nearly through ♪ - great job, lemmiwinks! - thanks to you, we are all free. - but your adventures are just beginning. for you are no ordinary gerbil, lemmiwinks, you are-- the gerbil king. all: all hail the gerbil king! - ♪ now that you're the gerbil king ♪ ♪ there's more adventures to go on ♪ ♪ fly away to faraway lands and to the setting sun ♪ ♪ there's still so many enemies and battles yet to fight ♪ ♪ for lemmiwinks the gerbil king ♪ ♪ to be told another night ♪ ♪ lemmi, lemmi lemmiwinks ♪ ♪ lem, lemmiwinks lemmiwinks ♪ ♪ lem, lem lemmiwinks lemmiwinks, lemmiwinks ♪
>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in and thank you for coming out! thank you so much for coming out! we're back! i'm trevor noah! we have two guests joining us tonight. first, texas democrat running for president of the united states beto o'rourke is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) and then you know her from "crazy rich asians" and "crouching tiger, hidden dragon," international movie superstar michelle yeoh is
joining us on the show! ( cheers and applause ) it's going to be a fun conversation with her! also on tonight's episode, tik tok is snitching on you. the alphabet has been updated. and a new position in i.s.i.s. has just opened up. ( laughter ) so let's catch up on today's headlines. ♪ let's start with tik tok. it's the short video app for people who were bored before the end of the sentence. but now, congress is worried although the videos might be short, the consequences could last for a long time. >> the app taking teenagers by storm, tik tok, now facing a storm of a different kind, accused of posing a possible security risk with more than 500 million active accounts around the world, now all eyes are on the people behind the app. two top senators targeting the chinese tech company that owns tik tok. in a letter to the director of national intelligence, asking for an investigation into tik tok and other chinese-based companies warning they may pose a national security risk.
>> this is a threat to american security. when china has data on 110 million americans, who knows what they do with it. >> trevor: that's right. chuck schumer wants to launch an investigation into tik tok. but i feel like he's just doing this so he can have someone come to congress to explain what tik tok is. he's, like, i tried to subpoena my granddaughter she never returns my calls! never returns my calls! it would be very serious if the chinese can use tik tok for spying. with this information, china can learn of all of america's dance moves. you know, just going to be figuring it all out. yeah, we figured it all out. that's the thing that's kept the u.s. ahead of china all the time. china's there, like, we have nuclear weapons and 5g but we can't figure out when to hit the whoa, when do you lock? whoa! ( laughter ) tik tok is 90% teenagers. i'm not worried china is watch meg, i'm worried the dude from catch a predator will pop up and
say, trevor, what are you doing here? i'm just here for the memes! i swear! ( laughter ) let's just agree that every app is spying on us. work under that assumption. facebook, instagram, twitter, they're all watching us. the only app that doesn't know your location is uber. that is the only one. ( cheers and applause ) they just can't figure it out. all right, moving on, if you were a young child just learning the alphabet, first of all, please stop watching this show. ( laughter ) seriously, i might say (~bleep ) at anytime. ( laughter ) and, also, it turns out you have been doing it all wrong. >> the new alphabet song getting many reviews. >> this version aims to get rid of the infamous lmnop and make it clearer for kids. take a listen. ♪abcdefg
♪ hijklmn ♪ opqr -- ( booing ) ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, no. first of all, no. secondly, hell, no. ( laughter ) and third, this new kanye album is a real departure. it went real weird. who is this for? who is this for? because if my kid can't figure out lmnop, i don't want to make it easier for them. i just want to know as soon as possible so i can stop saving for their college. i just want to know. i don't want to waste my money. i mean, at some point, even as a kid, you would figure out lmnop are separate letters in the alphabet, there's no 40-year-old who's out there, excuse me, for the wi-fi is it upper case lmnop because it keeps saying password incorrect. ( laughter ) an ex excuse for drunk dries.
>> an mo ohio man had twice the legal amount of alcohol in his systems but the driver swore to police he didn't have anything to drink and turns out he was telling truth. doctors say that map has a year medical condition that turns yeast in your gut to alcoholler called auto brewery syndrome. ( laughter ) >> trevor: auto-brewery syndrome. that is the coolist disease i've ever heard of. ( laughter ) essentially, when this guy eats carbs, inside his stomach, a team of tiny hipsters turns it into beer. that's what's happening, you realize that, right? obviously, i'm sure there are down sides, like forks one, he could never run a marathon. he would have a carb load and, actually, i want to skip the race because, bitch, i need to dance! ( laughter ) in my eyes, getting drunk for free is a not a syndrome, it's a superpower. ( laughter ) if a building is going to be on fire, some woman will be
outside, all my stuff is in there but no one's drunk enough to risk their life to save it! not so fast my good lady ( speaking like a drunk man ) -- i'll freaking go in there but first a nap. that's it fo the headlines. top story. for the past few weeks, president donald trump has been having a not good time. from the impeachment inquiry to the chaos in syria to the controversy to hosting the g7 at his resort, plus it's halloween, so people keep trying to put candles in him. on saturday night out of the blue, trump sweet something big, very big, has just happened. and with trump, that could mean anything. did he buy greenland? is h trade war with china officially over? did trump finally learn lmnop
isn't one long letter? we don't know. ( laughter ) well, on sunday morning, we found out what that something big actually was. >> breaking news, president trump announces i.s.i.s. leader al baghdadi has died during a u.s. special operations raid in syria. u.s. has been searching for al baghdadi five years. it was information obtained obta courier to one of al baghdadi's wives that led to the compound. >> trevor: they found him by interrogating his courier. tip your delivery guide. 20% for good service, 30% if you're trying to hide your location. ( laughter ) the details to have raid sounds like something straight out of a movie. >> the secret operation beginning 5:00 p.m. saturday
night. eight chinook helicopters took off from a kurdish-controlled area in iraq flying low and fast, taking on gunfire and returning the fire before landing in northern syria. once on the ground, the commandos blowing a hole through baghdadi's hideout. the front door had been booby trapped. >> you think you go through the door. if you're a normal person you say, knock, knock, may i come in. the fact is that they blasted their way into the house in a very heavy wall and it took them literally seconds. >> trevor: yes, yes... instead of knocking on the door and asking i.s.i.s. in they could come in, the special forces instead chose to blow a hole through the wall, which must have been traumatizing for trump to watch. he was sitting there, like, no! why did you damage that beautiful wall? ( cheers and applause ) that wall didn't do anything to anybody! why would you do that?
now mexicans are going to pour into al baghdadi's house and take all i.s.i.s.' jobs! ( laughter ) honestly, the one cool thing about donald trump is i like how the president -- he's never trying to communicate the gravity of this moment and keep the details to the minimum, no, he sounds like a dude on the local news who just saw some shit. ( laughter ) >> they blasted their way in and then all hell broke loose. he died after running into a dead-end tunnel, whimpering and crying and screaming all the way. he died like a dog, like a coward. he reached the end of the tunnel, as our dogs chased him down. he ignited his vest, killing himself. >> nobody was even hurt. our k-9, as they call it -- i call it a dog, a beautiful dog, a talented dog -- ( laughter ) -- was injured and brought back. >> trevor: yes, yes -- i call it... a dog. ( laughter ) so baghdadi died like a dog, but
a dog is also the here o. very mixed messages about dogs in this story. ( laughter ) more importantly, it's weird al baghdadi tried to escape through a dead-end tunnel. does no one find that weird? why does a terrorist compound have a dead-end tunnel? isn't that just a cave? who made the tunnel? built by the same people who run the new york subway? ( laughter ) baghdadi running said, you said the tunnel would be finished by now! look, buddy, a lot of things were supposed to happen in life. my wife was supposed to be a double date, turns out i'm gay and my husband and i are living out life. what are you going to do, buddy? ( applause ) this is a big win in the fight against i.s.i.s., like trump or not. but trump is the only person who can turn a unifying occasion into a dick measuring contest. ( laughter ) >> this is the biggest there is. this is the worst ever. osama bin laden was very big, but osama bin laden became big
with the world trade center. this is the man who built the whole, as he would like to call it, a country, a caliphate, and was trying to do it again. >> trevor: what are you doing? ( laughter ) you don't stro pretend this guy is a bigger get than bin laden. first of all, it's childish. secondly, he's not. it's not going to change the entire world forever. it's 18 years after 9/11 and i still can't take four ounces of owns on to an airplane. i go on vacation and my skin is dry as (~bleep ). that's how bad a terrorist bin laden was. all these guys are bad. you don't have to weigh them out! but once again, trump has managed to turn a nonpartisan victory into a political fight -- who deserves more credit, trump or obama? do presidents even deserve credit for military victories? the whole conversation is ridiculous because we know who really made this thing happen, it was that k-9.
( cheers and applause ) or, as i call it, a dog. ( laughter ) that dog deserves the highest honor america has to offer, which is its own movie. so we made a trailer for it. >> in theaters this christmas, the story of a dog who will warm your heart, and kill al baghdadi. ( ruf ) >> but first he'll have to train. >> this is al baghdadi, go get him, boy! >> trevor: for whatever may happen. >> this is how they are torture you. so you're going to kill the leader of i.s.i.s. and his bones? >bones? >> because the only thing that stops a bad dude is a good boy. zero bark thirty. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. ♪
was getting geico to help with our renters insurance. yeah, switching and saving was really easy! drink it all up. good! could have used a little salt. visit geico.com and see how easy saving on renters insurance can be. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my first guest is a former three-term congressman from texas who is running for president of the united states. please welcome beto o'rourke. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: good to see you. >> thank you. thank you.
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you. huge honor to be with you. >> trevor: before we start, i have to acknowledge that you have developed quite a reputation for having a potty mouth on the trail. people have said beto tells it like it is and he curses so, every time you curse, i'm just warning you, beto, i'm ready. ( laughter ) but let's talk about the road for a little bit. you have been on the campaign trail and, although you ran for senate, this is a different race. are you holding up and is it everything you thought it would be is this. >> america is a lot bigger than texas -- ( laughter ) -- so a lot more counties, a lot more ground to cover, a lot more people to meet. but the basics of an election, campaign or democracy are the same. you're there to meet people, to introduce yourself, and if you're doing it right, you're listening to them as well and you're reflecting back their stories and experiences and hopefully bringing new people into the experience. >> trevor: everyone knew the
name beto o'rourke because you blew up in the race against ted cruz. you had people rallying for you even from outside the state. beyonce gave you an endorsement. you won the race there, i don't know why you're still in politics. i would just wear a t-shirt that beyonce chose me. ( laughter ) but the presidential race seems to be different. it seems to be in and around pre-conceived notions of leadership or what people think they know about you. are you are you where you hoped to be in the presidential race? >> look, i would love to be doing a lot better, that's for sure, but i've got to tell you, i'm so grateful for the extraordinary supporters and volunteers, some of whom i see here right now who traveled all the way to new york to be here. ( cheers and applause ) i wish that enthusiasm and dedication was reflected in the polls. to answer your question, i don't think the polling reflects the passion and the commitment and the resolve of our supporters, from all over the country. i likely feel it.
but we're also in this extraordinary field of candidacy. numbers somewhere around 20. >> 18 people running. so it pax sense it will be diluted. when you are running for president, though, you are in an interesting position because you are running against all the democrats but you are also running against the person currently in office. today is a particularly interesting day because donald trump has come out and given a speech about the leader of i.s.i.s. being killed. because of the way he presented it, you know what, a conversation has now sparked from that, people now saying, oh, he wants to take credit or obama says he shouldn't take credit previously and whose credit, credit, credit. you tweeted out a congratulatory note honoring the troops involved in this. do you think a commander-in-chief should be taking credit for the achievements of the military and do you think that's their place or should they just be in the place of taking the blame and then moving on? >> i think it would be the place of the president to congratulate
the service members and the k-9, or dog. ( applause ) this raid was successful despite the president, not because of him. to turn his back on those kurdish fighters whose intelligence and help located al baghdadi in the first place and made sure that we were successful, his precipitous withdrawal, it created a void that turkey and russia, iran and i.s.i.s. and assad have all come in to. it is really a miracle that we were able to do this but it is really owing to our allies, our friends, our partners on the ground and those great service members who put their lives on the line to ensure there is justice for this country. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: let's move on to a list of solutions you drafted and proposed today with regard to prison reform. this is truly one of the biggest issues facing america today, to
have, you know, the population of a small country imprisoned is something that's been a black mark on america's record for too long, excuse the pun. >> right. >> trevor: you have a large population in prison that seems like it won't dwindle soofnlt what do you think needs to be changed beyond the obvious and how do you begin changing that? >> you've got to stop the flow that begins in school, and not in high school, the school house to jailhouse pipeline we hear about it. it starts in kindergarten when the child is five years old. in texas that child is five times more likely to be disciplined or expelled if they are a child of color. that child is defenseless against the system into which she was born. we don't just need equality in our schools but equity in the schools, the teachers need to look like the students in front of them, we will have better
outcomes. ending the incarceration epidemic we have now. 2.3 million behind bars more than any other people on the plant. disproportionate people of color. and for profit companies have a vested interest in that taking place. end for profit businesses and cash bail, theantd, legalizing marijuana, expunging the records for those who serve time, and make sure those who were arrested for selling weed, typically black or brown, are the first to have the licenses to sell marijuana when it's legal in this country. transformative justice. >> trevor: so good having you on the show. iowa will be a tough one, good luck. beto o'rourke, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪
it's not. but we gone done it anyway. new reese's thins. not sorry. but, boy, are you gonna want it. introducing the new stuffed cheez-it pizza from pizza hut. you're welcome. i've glet's go.rise for you. ♪ last christmas, i gave you my heart ♪ you're the only person that makes me feel like i exist. ♪ this year to save me from tears ♪ why me? it's always gonna be you. you can't be in here! yeah, we're leaving. -sorry. [ laughing ] ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my next guest is a legend of the
big screen. she can be seen in the new film "last christmas." >> sea say, where is c3 taking you. >> i have no idea. >> trevor: what's his name? >> i can't pronounce it. lots of glottle stops. when i try to say it, i sound like a cat with a fur ball. i've decided to call him boy. >> at least your name is easy to pronounce. you're not really called center. >> no, i called it for the shop. when i worked at the pet shop i called myself kitty. >> really? >> mm-hmm displ. >mm-hmm.>> trevor: please welcoe michelle yeoh! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
>> trevor: welcome. >> are you always like this? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: are you always here? i think the answer speaks for itself. welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: such an honor to have you here. let's talk about the new movie first. "last christmas." it feels like it is a coming together of everybody's favorites from everything into one movie. that's what it feels like. "crazy rich asians," one of the biggest movies in the world that everyone fell in love with. then you have game gam -- "gamef thrones" everyone was in love with. you put it together and watch it for christmas. is that what it felt like on set? >> definitely. we were like the two dragon ladies, right? ( applause ) and then we had so much fun. amelia is just wonderful to work with and i really, really enjoyed it. it was a little daunting when paul, he called me and he said, i want you to play santa.
and i went, santa? i know i champion for gender equality and all, but, really, i'm going to put on the ho, ho, ho red outfit and that? he goes, no, no, no! emma thompson wrote an incredible script -- >> trevor: right. >> emma thompson, right? ( cheers and applause ) i mean emma thompson, amelia clark, henry golding. i was, like, okay, i'm there. but please explain what is the santa? and i've never ventured into a comedy. "crazy rich asians" is a romantic comedy but i played the most serious role there. >> trevor: very serious. >> but in this one i actually get to be funny. >> trevor: is that a big departure for you? i grew up watch you can movies, and i only knew you as an action star. that is the only way. it was like you, jet lee, jackie chan, that was my world growing
up. then i moved to america, and i was, like, michelle yeoh, and they were, like, yeah, more dramatic. and i said, no, action star. they said, action star? but a lot of people don't know you were a huge action star in asia. then you had to cross over to america and start again from scratch. ( cheers and applause ) >> but when i crossed over, one of the first movies i did was "tomorrow never dies." >> trevor: of course, yes. >> so we do appreciate that you've take that effort to come and watch us. so when you do come, i want to give you a surprise, and i hope that "last christmas" will be a fun surprise for you. >> trevor: let me ask you this, then -- when you move into comedy, a lot of actors said it's actually one of the most difficult disciplines because being straight is being straight and fighting is fighting and comedy is riveting. was that difficult for you? >> i was terrified. i would have rather beat down eight guys.
just bring them on. ( laughter ) when paul said, you can do it. i said, you realize i've never done comedy before, he was obsessed and relentless and said you have to try to do this. emma thompson wrote this character inspired by herrell daughter-in-law who is an immigrant from china and moved to england and i think her story is very much about the immigrants who have come. and with santa, they came and were determined to fit in. so my character, santa, when she worked at the pet shop, he she wanted to blend in but not because she wasn't proud of who she was or her ethnicity. if you watch the way she dresses, it's got the chinese element in there. but then like the flamboyant western panache. >> trevor: right. >> and she would call herself
kitty at the pet store or muffin at the bakery. so as far as amelia clark is concerned, she said your name is santa, then i would say my asian name. >> trevor: i'm going to call myself hosty from now on. ( laughter ) thanks for being on the show. congratulations on your first comedy. lots of luck. "last christmas" will be in theaters november 8. michelle yeoh, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ (smoke alarm)