tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 20, 2020 12:05am-1:07am PDT
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. i'm jimmy. i am the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. please relax. happy day after daylight saving day. how are you holding up for that? everyone all right? yesterday morning was our annual reminder that we aren't as smart as our microwave ovens. [ laughter ] guillermo had a big week. and congratulations to you, guillermo. >> guillermo: oh, thank you, jimmy. >> jimmy: you're welcome. now, this is from a horse race in tampa bay on saturday. and it would seem that we have a winner in our midst. >> king guillermo now going to the lead. inside the final furlong, do you believe this? king guillermo. he doesn't just win! he wins impressively. >> look, i'm a jockey! >> jimmy: i had no idea you were racing. what's your horse's name, guillermo? >> pepe. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pepe.
it's also his dog's name coincidentally. the coronavirus -- this coronavirus is all i hear about from -- whoo? [ laughter ] people are selling off stocks and buying up toilet paper. and if you are buying up toilet paper, i have a question. why are you buying up toilet paper? i think you've got the body upside down because people are canceling events. the south by southwest festival in austin was canceled over the weekend. there's talk they may hold nba games with no fans in the crowd. italy the country is closed. for real. you know, i try not to get too worked up about this sort of thing, but then, i saw this headline over the weekend. and for me, now this is serious. costco is pulling their free samples. [ laughter ] trump needs to send mike pence to costco to figure this out right now. this is also scary news for costco shoppers. this was from the weekend too. o.j. posted, "coronavirus? who's afraid?"
[ laughter ] i don't know. are those two separate questions or one? because whenever you're out in a mask we're afraid, all of us. [ laughter ] i've been doing my part to fight the coronavirus. the virus we are trying to spread is called the elbump. there it is. e-l-b-u-m-p. we branded this last week. and it seems to be catching on. for instance on kelly and ryan, there's whitney cummings doing the elbump very elegantly. mike and tony from pardon the interruption. djimon hounsou. he did the elbump. coach k and roy williams. even vice president mike pence is participating. put it there, soul brother. keep doing that. just get in the habit of doing it. the president publicly seems determined to keep shaking hands. he has said that and that he will not cancel his rallies. but a report today from "vanity fair" says he is privately terrified about getting the virus and thinks journalists will try to purposefully contract coronavirus to give it to him on air force one.
[ laughter ] well, that doesn't seem paranoid at all. on friday the president signed a funding bill from congress to help combat the virus. and really pay attention to what he says here. >> so we're signing the 8.3 billion. i asked for 2 1/2, and i got 8.3. and i'll take it. >> jimmy: he only asked for 2 1/2 billion. congress said we authorize 8.3 billion. and he's bragging that he wanted less? i don't know. it doesn't -- he somehow finds a way to brag about everything. and at the signing somebody asked him about elizabeth warren and whether sexism played a role in her campaign not working out. and you're going to be surprised to hear he doesn't. >> she destroyed mike bloomberg very quickly. like it was nothing. it was easy for her. people don't like her. she's a very mean person. and people don't like her. people don't want that. they like a person like me, that's not mean. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: see you, losers. i like when he unbuttons his shirt a little.
very sexy. trump was up bright and early this morning trying to downplay the virus. he wrote, "so last year 37,000 americans died from the common flu. it averages between 27,000 and 70,000 per year. nothing is shut down. life and the economy go on. at this moment there are 546 confirmed cases of coronavirus with 22 deaths. think about that." no, you think about that. [ laughter ] you're the one who's president. 546 and 22 deaths is not good news. if you found out 546 of your friends were on tik tok you wouldn't be like, okay, well, glad -- thank god that's over. [ laughter ] the president stopped by cdc headquarters on friday. that is the center for disease control. to explain to the experts who are working on the virus that he's an expert too. yoncles person. he was at m.i.t. i taught at m.i.t. for i think like a record number of years. dr. john trump.
i like this stuff. i really get it. they're surprised that i understand. every one of these doctors said how do you know so much about this? maybe i have a natural ability. maybe i should have done that instead of running for president. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. i agree with that. they've all the nobel prizes you would have won by now. [ laughter ] everyone relax. trump's uncle was a super genius. the president then treated these health officials to another helping of humility. watch the guy on the right here. this is dr. steve monroe. he's one of the top experts on lab science and safety in the world. and watch his face as the president speaks. >> they're making millions of more as we speak. but as of right now and yesterday anybody that needs a test -- that's the important thing. and the tests are all perfect. like the letter was perfect. the transcription was perfect. this was not as perfect as that but pretty good. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's a look of some
kind of a mix between i wish i was dead and oh, my god, we're actually going to be dead. but the tests are perfect. everything's perfect. that's why trump fired his chief of staff over the weekend. he was too perfect. mick mulvaney, trump's fourth chief of staff in three years, is out. he'll be replaced by congressman mark meadows. mick mulvaney, now mark meadows. he's working his way through the ms. keep your fingers crossed, matthew modine. [ laughter ] meanwhile, trump was apparently upset that mulvaney went to vegas during this corona emergency. which would make sense, if he himself hadn't been upset from his vacation home in florida where he went during the emergency. now, efforts are being made to slow the virus on a local level. the mayor of new york, bill de blasio, is urging new yorkers to stay indoors and stay off the subway. basically the mayor is telling new yorkers to avoid new york at all costs. [ laughter ] de blasio also said new yorkers should refrain from shaking hands, which that one shouldn't be a problem. most new yorkers don't even like to make eye contact with one
another. [ laughter ] but this report to me it shines a light on how the coronavirus is being received in the big apple. >> i'm not doing anything t. i still wash my hands when i go eat or go out. and i still wash up. >> i'm washing my hands for at least 20 seconds. often. >> i'm washing my hands more. but not for 20 seconds. i don't have the patience for that. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but she did have the patience to tie that scarf into six giant knots. [ laughter ] that's why i always say be patient or be a patient. it's been my motto since 1973. this is interesting. senator ted cruz announced yesterday he's placed himself under self-quarantine because of the virus. so every cloud has a silver lining i guess. ted calls it a self-quarantine. others call it having no friends. [ laughter ] but ted cruz decided to put himself under house arrest because he shook hands with a carrier at cpac the week before last. and i am worried about ted. he's actually spending his quarantine backstage at our show. can we bring him out for a
second? oh, here he is right here. okay. there he is. well, hey -- [ applause ] senator, i do want to ask, is everything okay in there? >> i'm doing fine, jimmy. just doing my part to keep america safe. >> jimmy: okay. well, that's what i like to hear. i hope you're okay. i really do. >> thanks, jimmy. can i get a sprinkle of that food? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. absolutely. i'll give a little. there. eat it all. okay? [ laughter ] hey, he's got some algae on his belly. let's get that cleaned off. he's a senator. have some respect, for god's sake. i'll see you later, senator cruz. good luck. [ cheers and applause ] is that more than you're supposed to give? joe biden is not under self-quarantine. he is out there spreading his brand of kooky common sense to anybody who will listen, including this confused crowd in kansas city. >> turning this primary from a campaign that's about negative attacks into one that's about
what we're for because we cannot get re-elect -- we cannot win this re-election -- excuse me. we can only re-elect donald trump. if in fact we get engaged in this circular firing squad. >> jimmy: oh, boy. i don't know. it feels -- [ applause ] it's kind of -- it's like he's losing a debate against himself. [ laughter ] the main event on abc tonight was part one of a two-night season finale of "the bachelor." we're down to the final two loves of peter's life, madison and hannah ann. and this is the time on the show when the last two get vetted by the family of the bachelor. but this season was a very strange team effort. peter's littrooi ble b gy ertha the fact that madison, who is saving herself for marriage, he asked if that might be a problem for his sex-loving older bro. >> obviously, you're very physical in relationships. and let's assume you go with maddie. and tonight you're talking about
this whole period of not actually still having sex until you're fully married. and do you think that's something that you realistically see yourself doing? >> jimmy: and if not could you maybe show me some pictures of what you're doing? [ laughter ] who glued the facial hair onto that kid's face? he just wants to hear some sex stuff from his brother. but he wasn't the only one involved. peter's whole family made it very clear that they are not on board with the virgin madison. >> everyone just caught up on this. and i can see past this. i'm not someone that just gets caught up in this. >> peter, we're not pushing you. >> i'm just being real. >> would you rather us lead you down the wrong road? >> i hear you guys, but you guys also have to trust me as much as i trust you guys. and you guys have not been dating these girls for the last two months. >> jimmy: that's right. and it would be weird if you had been dating them. it was quite a scene. and it was highlighted by this emotional outburst from peter's mother. >> hannah ann loves you with all of her heart.
don't let her go. don't let her go. bring her home. bring her home to us. she's a dream come true. and god has placed her there for you. that's what love stories are made out of. someone that is so madly in love with you. >> you've got to stop doing this. you've got to stop doing this. you've got to stop doing this right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i tell you what. it took i think 24 seasons, we finally found the craziest woman ever to be on "the bachelor." [ laughter ] it turns out to be peter's mother. god placed her there for -- if god doesn't have time to stop the coronavirus, he's not placing women on "the bachelor" for peter. okay? [ laughter ] so now peter had a real dilemma on his hands. should he spend the next three months being engaged to and breaking up with hannah ann or with madison? and that decision got a little easier when madison eliminated
herself, leaving hannah ann to run unopposed. we will learn more about that tomorrow night on the big season finale. but first i had my own heart to heart with the bachelor. it's time for three ridiculous questions with pilot pete. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: if you had to eat one animal at the zoo. okay? a zoo animal. which one would you choose? >> if i had to? >> jimmy: mm-hmm. >> this is so bad. but probably a panda because i love panda express. i just like -- that's one of my favorite restaurants. so if i had to pick one i would say panda. >> jimmy: would you marry a woman who wears a shirt that says "it's wine o'clock"? >> 100%. >> jimmy: you would? >> yeah. absolutely.
>> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] you're a pilot. >> i am. >> jimmy: will people clap at the end of the flight, can you even hear that? >> no, actually, you can't. >> jimmy: so there's no point -- >> there's no reason. because we have noise canceling headphones on to kind of help with all that air going over the windshield. and we have that cockpit door which is reinforced like crazy. so yeah, it's just pretty much useless. >> jimmy: this is a great piece of information. >> yeah. i mean, keep doing it because it makes us feel good knowing that it happened. but -- >> jimmy: well, you know what? here's to positive reinforcement no matter how ridiculous. >> cheers to that. >> smirnoff seltzer. the answer to all of life's ridiculous questions. >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by door dash. cheesecake. (cheesecake factory) grilled steak. clam bake. milkshake.
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(vo)electric, it doesn't i knhave enough range.nking. it can't handle the elements. and, there is nowhere to charge up. well, think again. ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight a very funny woman from "saturday night live" and she has her own show on hulu too. it's called "shrill." aidy bryant is here. [ applause ] then, the album is called "it is what it is." thundercat from the mercedes-benz stage. [ applause ] and he brought friends. and this is kind of funny. so thundercat's name is steve. you're listening to this, guillermo, as if you care about
what i'm saying. thundercat's name is steve. all the guys, all three of the guys in the band tonight are also named steve. it's like christmas steve here tonight on the show. [ laughter ] tomorrow night, emily blunt and jake johnson will be here. we'll have music from christina aguilera. and later this week, david spade, sir patrick stewart, eiza gonzalez. mayor pete buttigieg will be filling in for me as host on thursday night, and we will have music from grace vanderwaal too. so please join us for all that. [ applause ] our first guest this evening is a worldwide box office champion who has the body of a greek god and the smooth head of a greek olive. his new superhero movie is called "bloodshot," it opens friday. please welcome vin diesel. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
these people risked their lives to come see you here tonight. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: and vice versa, by the way. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you so much. >> jimmy: now, you are -- what is your mentality about this? are you shaking hands with people? are you taking selfies? what are you doing to protect yourself? >> what a good question. >> jimmy: i'm going to put it a different way. what are you doing to protect vin diesel? [ laughter ] who in a way belongs to all of us. >> so true. i belong to you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you being careful? >> i literally belong to you. when i'm doing a stunt or when i'm doing a combat scene, just last week we were filming. and i'm doing this big scene with 15 people and they're trying to stomp my head. and you know, sometimes people are a little off and they kick me in the jaw while i'm doing this scene.
and i'm thinking about you guys because i belong to you guys. >> jimmy: you get stomped in the head for us. >> i get stomped in the head for you guys because i belong to you guys. >> jimmy: another personal question. where do you stand on daylight savings time? for or against? or saving time, as they call it. >> okay. so -- just yesterday it's about 11:00. and uncle ludacris is there. uncle larenz tate and all our kids are there. and at about 11:00 i look at everybody and i say, these kids should be sleeping. >> jimmy: right. >> and they're getting away with murder. and they're not acting like they're tired. that daylight savings is a really -- i think we should rethink that. >> jimmy: i think you're right. we have to get rid of it. >> i think we should rethink that. >> jimmy: how old are the kids now? you have three kids. >> pauline turns 5 next week. >> jimmy: oh, okay. your little one. >> yeah. on saturday.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: so what do you, like load the car up with clorox wipes and head to chuck e. cheese? or what will you do? >> no. i have to think about the guest list. last year she wanted post malone and swae lee to perform. i don't know what she'll ask for this year. but when i said who do you want to come to your party? "oh, i don't know. my friends like uncle ludacris." >> jimmy: she wants uncle ludacris to be there. >> but what's sweet about that is his daughter cadence and my daughter, they were first friends together. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> that's kind of cute. >> jimmy: they can -- yeah. >> when you see them playing together, you're just -- aw. >> jimmy: and the pressure's a little bit off you. >> and the pressure's off me a little bit. >> jimmy: totally. >> it's good to see you by the way. >> jimmy: it's good to see you too. >> and you're always so amazing. >> jimmy: oh. thanks. [ cheers and applause ] not always. >> i mean, think about it. with the state of the world right now all of you are here
and you all look so excited to be here. [ cheers and applause ] that's a testament to him. that's got to say something. that's got to say something about -- >> jimmy: you're making me blush. >> i'm really proud of him, and i'm not going to point any fingers, guys. >> jimmy: hey, this is the new "flaunt" magazine, which it's the home issue. and in the home issue i want to ask you -- >> oh, really? >> jimmy: -- about this photo. >> oh, come on. >> jimmy: what is your feeling on birds? >> oh, good question. so it's -- i'm from new york. >> jimmy: doves are really pigeons, right? >> are they? i guess growing up i was always worried about pigeons, you know, coming through the window. >> jimmy: right. >> then i saw "on the waterfront." "on the waterfront," a marlon brando movie. he loves pigeons.
so i started to think that maybe as an actor i needed to love pigeons. >> jimmy: that's on the magazine. and on the flaunt website this is the follow-up photo from the pigeons. whatever it is. [ applause ] >> this is all kinds of good luck. which is all kinds of good luck. that's what they say. >> jimmy: so this -- we're going to talk about "bloodshot" in a minute but i want to ask you about "fast and furious 9." because it's coming out in may. and it's got -- i'm always interested in how you add -- what does the trailer have, 150 million views? yes. 150 million views. at a certain point you should just make a trailer and forget about the whole movie, because if you made a dollar off each one of those views you'd be fine. this movie -- you've added some interesting members to the team. >> yes. >> jimmy: who have you added to the team on this one? >> john cena. >> jimmy: john cena. super nice guy.
>> such a blessing to work with. and was so incredible. obviously we have helen mirren. >> jimmy: helen mirren. right. [ applause ] which is funny but now we're used to this. >> now we're used to this. and obviously charlize. >> jimmy: charlize theron. [ applause ] >> and my daughter wanted -- my daughter wanted a piece of casting to happen. so cardi b. is in it. [ applause ] >> jimmy: your daughter said to you, dad, will you put cardi b. in the movie? and you said oh, that's a good idea. >> that's a great idea. as she's listening to "i like it like that." >> jimmy: do you call cardi b. then and say i'd love to have you in the movie? >> you have to go through the writers and create a role that would work. >> jimmy: do you have people hitting you up specifically to be part of the film? >> strange enough. 20 years ago you wouldn't have
thought this, but now we do have oscar winners all asking to be part of the film. it's bizarre. >> jimmy: can you name any particular -- or if you could choose one of these oscar winners, who would you want? >> that's a great question. i may give away a little too much if i -- >> jimmy: oh, is that right? >> yeah, because there are some secrets that have to be kept close to the vest for the audience because i belong to them. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you're taking this too seriously. >> i'm taking it too seriously because it's real. i belong to them, jimmy! >> jimmy: when we come back, we're going to take a break, we're going to see a clip from the new one. it's called "bloodshot." vin diesel is here. we'll be right back. ♪ dramatic choir music
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garrison's awake and offline. find him and shut him down. kill him if you have to. >> that one was my idea. >> jimmy: that is vin diesel in "bloodshot." [ cheers and applause ] it opens friday. i like it already. so "bloodshot" is a comic book character. >> bloodshot is a comic book character. >> jimmy: from which comic series? >> valiant comics. "new york times" best-seller.
>> jimmy: and what is the story about bloodshot? what is his thing? >> he's a soldier who is enhanced with nanites. >> jimmy: nanites? >> nanites in his blood that allow him to regenerate and give him all these superpowers. but the story is an interesting story. guy pearce is in it. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. right. >> it's kind of a mind puzzle, the story. so much so that guy pearce, while he was filming, two months into filming, said "thank god i did memento before doing bloodshot. because i wouldn't have understood this at all." >> jimmy: it opens on friday the 13th. are you superstitious at all? >> isn't that a great day to open? >> jimmy: i guess. i don't know. is it? [ cheers and applause ] if you think it is. >> i think it's the perfect date. >> jimmy: isn't your mother into astrology? >> how did you know? yes. >> jimmy: i think we talked about it one time a long time ago. now, when you say she's into it, is she just consuming it or does
she call you and say -- >> when we were younger, that's how she made a living. she would do people's charts. >> jimmy: she did their charts. >> yeah. >> jimmy: would she do that for you? >> she used to say she couldn't do it for me because she was too close and she would be biased. >> jimmy: isn't it supposed to be, though, very specific as to what time you were born, what day you were born? >> yes. >> jimmy: so the personal stuff comes into it as well? >> yes. >> jimmy: the way she did it. >> well, she got a master's in psychology to back it. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so was she working as a psychologist at the time as well? >> yeah. >> jimmy: would she ever combine them? >> essentially. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. she's -- >> jimmy: and would insurance cover the whole thing, then? [ laughter ] >> that's a great question. what sign are you? >> i'm a scorpio. [ applause ] >> how awesome. do you know your moon and your rising? >> jimmy: no. i don't know my moon or my rising. >> next question.
don't know your rising, bro? >> jimmy: but people do often guess what my sign is weirdly. they seem to know it right off the bat. your friend is michael caine, correct? >> yes. >> jimmy: how old is michael caine now? >> 86. >> jimmy: and how did you guys become friends? >> that's a very good question. we were at a party, oscar party, maybe 15 years ago. and he was across the room. and he came over. i was doing some michael caine impressions at some point on some -- >> jimmy: got you. >> and he comes over, he says, "you do me. i know who you are." i said, i love you. and -- huge fan of his. and i quoted every line from "alfie." and then he invited me to his birthday party. >> jimmy: oh. >> and i had just cast dame judi
dench for "chronicles of riddick." and he said, you know who you would really love to work with also? helen mirren. and this was 15 years ago. and we just became the best of friends. >> jimmy: wow. do you text and stuff? >> we go to dinner. >> jimmy: you go to dinner. >> while i was in london filming "fast," when i wasn't able to come off set, when i was working the 18 hours, he would take my kids to dinner. >> jimmy: really? wow. that's better than uncle ludacris. he doesn't take the kids to dinner. [ laughter ] >> right. and when pauline was about to be born, the doctor had said she was going to be born in april. and he -- we had dinner. we did obviously the last "witch hunter" together in pittsburgh.
and he says to me no, pauline's going to be born on the 14th. and i said why? he said because that's my birthday. and lo and behold she was born on the 14th. >> jimmy: what's his moon? what's his rising? do you know? [ laughter ] >> i'm not -- [ applause ] no, i'm not doing this. that was low. guys. say something. i belong to you. >> jimmy: vin diesel, everybody. "bloodshot" opens friday. we'll be back with aidy bryant. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ are having a debate. -i have a back rash. -alright. whoa, mara. i laugh like this. [ laughs obnoxiously ] it's just not my scene. -i couldn't help but over-- -do you like insurance? i love insurance. did you know you can save money bundling home and auto with progressive, and renters can bundle, too? i know, right? [ laughs ]
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>> jimmy: welcome back. on the way our next guest is an emmy-nominated writer and performer in her eighth season of "saturday night live" and she has a job on the side too. season 2 of her series "shrill" is on hulu now. please say hello to aidy bryant. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how are you? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: thanks for, you know, indulging me in that. by the way, you were on
"saturday night live" this weekend. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and now here you are. you flew out here to be here. thank you for doing that. what was it like on the plane? >> i thought it was going to be scarier. but it felt like a normal plane ride. >> jimmy: were there people on it? >> people were on it. we all had snacks. everybody got off. >> jimmy: no problems, huh? >> i'm a hero. >> jimmy: you really are. you write for "saturday night live" also, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and of course you write your own show. which is more fun or hard or whatever to write for? because you're writing for yourself entirely on your show. >> yeah. well, they're two very different beasts. "snl" i'm like in a wig and it's kooky and i might play a chicken or who knows. what? but on "shrill" i'm like much closer to myself. and sometimes you're writing sex scenes. and then as i'm writing them with the writer's room or whatever i forget that i'm writing for my own crotch. [ laughter ]
it's my own body that will have to do those things. >> jimmy: not a third party crotch. >> that's right. not just someone coming in. >> jimmy: speaking of sex scenes, i was watching the show and there's a very funny scene where you and your boyfriend are in like the park and then this like boy scout troop comes wandering by. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what do your parents think about the sex scenes? [ laughter ] because -- >> yeah, i don't think they like love it. >> jimmy: they don't. >> yeah. and like you know, my dad basically i think asks my mom to tell him when they're done. so he leaves the room. >> jimmy: oh, he does? >> yeah. he can't handle it. i mean, he's right. and my mom, when i first told her there's going to be some sex scenes in the show, she did ask me. she was like, do you have to make the noises? [ laughter ] and i think she maybe thought someone would dub in like "ooh, ah." but i was like, it's me. >> jimmy: do you have to make the noises? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: who in your family is
most excited about your show business career? >> oh, gosh. well, everyone. but also my grandma is like a true diehard. my grammy in tucson. she -- but she's been like my number one fan from day one, you know. >> jimmy: nice. >> she really thinks i can do no wrong, and she thinks i should do a lot more in entertainment. like she's always pushing me to sing. and i'm not a singer. and pretty much every time i visit her she's like, "sing for us. sing for us right now." [ laughter ] and she'll be like, you should sing some judy garland. and i'm like, i think back in the day that's how they used to entertain each other. like someone would step up and be like "hello, baby," or whatever. but now even when my brother and i are together she's like you should be a singing duo. travel the country. and i'll tell you, we should not. >> jimmy: you should not be a singing duo. >> no. it's not a good idea. >> jimmy: your show "shrill" is set in portland. >> yeah.
>> jimmy: do you shoot it in portland? >> oh, yeah. we really do. i love it there. it's the best. food is incredible. it's a dream. >> jimmy: it's a cool town for sure. and is that where you initially decided -- because i know you're from arizona originally. you wanted to get away from the family? >> yes. that's right. no, no. i mean, that's -- you know, the show is based on a memoir that's set in the pacific northwest. so we kind of wanted to stay true to that. but yeah, it's really nice. my husband like comes and visits me. >> jimmy: on the set? >> yeah. on the set. and we like make a little time of it. actually, we went to this restaurant called med lud which is like this very fancy place and they make everything from scratch including the butters and the rolls and the vegetables they grow there. but they sat us on this like communal bench kind of. it was like us and another couple. and we're -- the ladies seated next to me. but i noticed that they were like acting very weird.
you know, they kept looking at each other and then look at us. and they didn't order any food. >> jimmy: that is weird. >> at this place where like everything is about the food. and then they just paid for their drinks. and the whole time i had felt like a vibration that i thought her phone was going off. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and then right as they paid for the check she like turned to me and was like, "it's a remote control vibrator, and it's amazing." [ laughter ] and i was stunned to my core. and i realized how different our vibes were. [ laughter ] because i had gone there to eat like 3,000 calories of like homemade butter. and they had gone there to like be horny in public. [ laughter ] but i guess that is how i'm horny in public. >> jimmy: same here. >> yes. [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, i don't need that. >> no, no. >> jimmy: you went to an all girls' catholic school in phoenix.
i lived in phoenix for a few years. i know that school you went to. >> it's a -- wow. it's a bad one. >> jimmy: how did you come away from that? feeling more catholic or less? >> well, i wasn't catholic to begin with. >> jimmy: oh. >> so the whole time i was there i was like whoa, whoa, whoa. what's going on? everybody's standing and singing and wow. >> jimmy: yeah, you've got to know the things. >> yes. >> jimmy: i grew up catholic as well. you know, and when i go to church i know the right times to do things. and i like to lord it over those who don't. >> i didn't, and i was at all times like whoa, whoa. very behind. >> jimmy: were you into theater and all that stuff in school? >> a little bit. i did the announcements at my school. >> jimmy: every morning? >> yeah. yeah. and we did them like over the little tv or whatever. like a closed circuit tv. >> jimmy: you had a video announcement system? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. >> and it was operated by a nun. >> jimmy: really? [ laughter ] >> yeah. my nun camera man. >> jimmy: so you're doing a little tv show every morning. >> i mean, it was about
volleyball times. yeah. >> jimmy: would they tell what you to say or -- >> a little bit of both. they would give us the times. and i would be like everybody get to practice at this time. but every now and then i would jazz it up and our dean would get very scared that he i was going to go rogue and like say something nasty. so she would often sort of pull me off to the side and be like you can't be flip. the flipness isn't going to fly on the tv. because i think she thought i was flippant. which i'm not. i'm like emotionally unwell because i care so much. >> jimmy: did that make you like a celebrity in the school, that people saw you on the closed circuit each day? >> i guess you could say that. sure. the teens of phoenix, arizona really thought i was something. >> jimmy: well, the show is very funny. both shows are very funny. "saturday night live" and season 2 of "shrill" on hulu. aidy bryant, everybody. thank you, aidy.
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz, the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank vin diesel, aidy bryant and peter the bachelor. apologies to matt damon. "nightline" is next, but first, this is his album, "it is what it is." his friends are steve lacy, flying lotus, and steve arrington. here with the song "black qualls," thundercat! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ i just bought a crib on top of the hill and i bought a brand new ride am i keepin' it real ♪ ♪ there's nothin' wrong if you got it i'm not livin' in fear
i'm just bein' honest ♪ ♪ 'cause there's no more livin' in fear no more livin' in fear ♪ ♪ if we don't talk about it then ♪ ♪ who will i know i give a different vibe yeah ♪ ♪ i do just what i like ♪ whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ then who will i'm don't need you co-sign ♪ ♪ who will 'cause i'm young enough and i'm old enough both at the same time ♪ ♪ who will hey don't trip on my aggression baby ♪ ♪ 'cause i can go in new directions baby ♪ ♪ i'm just tryna live my life do my best and that's alright ♪ ♪ who will yes i'm comfortable and that's what's tight who will ♪ ♪ just moved out the hood
doesn't mean i'm doin' it good ♪ ♪ wanna post this on the 'gram but don't think i should ♪ ♪ is it just for me or am i paranoid gotta keep it on the waa say th i'm n robbed before ♪ blessed black man's grind gon' answer the test ♪ ♪ ah, the box you tried to throw me in don't fit me no more, no ♪ ♪ creative spirit talkin' creative spirit walkin' and i don't wanna hurt nobody hurt nobody hurt nobody ♪ ♪ 'cause there's no more livin' in fear no more livin' in fear ♪ ♪ if we don't talk about it then ♪
♪ i do just what i like ♪ i don't need your co-sign ♪ because i'm young enough and old enough at the same time ♪ ♪ don't trip on my aggression, baby ♪ ♪ 'cause i can go in many directions, baby ♪ ♪ i'm just trying to live my life ♪ ♪ i'm just trying to do what's right ♪ ♪ ♪ this funk will make you say ay yi yi this funk will make you say ay yi yi ♪