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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 13, 2020 11:35pm-12:06am PDT

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for larry and sandhya, all of us here, we appreciate your time. right now on "jimmy ♪ ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da, ba, da ♪ jimmy kimmel live >> this is ridiculous. from his house! >> jimmy: hello again, it's me, james kimmel. from my house. which is starting to feel like our house. it's still weird working from home. when the show ends i don't go anywhere. i just stand here until the next one starts. we had an action-figure packed day. there was a marvel mystery in the house this morning. my wife molly found this in the living room. i don't know if you can see that, there. spider-man with a coronavirus mask. so she assumed i did it. which i did not. she then asked our daughter jane, who is five, if she did it
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and she did not. then there was only one suspect left, our son billy, who just turned three. he did it! he found little piece of wallpaper in jane's dollhouse and pasted it on spidey's face. so, if you think your kids aren't absorbing all this, that's going on, you're wrong. i do need to explain to billy that spidey is already wearing a mask. you don't put a mask on a mask. it's like putting two condoms on. i'll wait on explaining that. in mexico city, someone came up with a fun way to keep riders on the train safe. >> mexico city doesn't want its public health campaign to turn into a circus, so it hired professional clowns to spray the hands of metro riders with disinfectant and to tell them, wear a face mask, don't be a clown. >> it's great to see clowns on the subway, because if you're angry, they make you laugh. >> jimmy: and you wouldn't like him when he's angry.
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between spider-man and the hulk, the avengers are really doing their part to keep the mask effort going strong. even with everything going on, despite all the warnings about spiking this virus again, as some states begin to ease stay at home restrictions, millions of americans are eagerly getting back out there. according to the "new york times" 25 million more people left their homes last week than in the six weeks before it. which is nuts. even the munchkins didn't come out of hiding until the witch was pronounced dead. and it's not just the human folk. this happened yesterday in san jose. goat tam stampede in the neighborhood. no masks on, running around. >> block'em! >> jimmy: you block'em. you know all this time we've been afraid of robots taking over. little did we know we'd have to do battle with goats. hide your tin cans! here's a taste of what life might be like going forward. there's a fine dining establishment in virginia, a restaurant called "the inn at little washington" that has a
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plan for re-opening. social distancing will probably mean a lot of empty tables. which isn't great ambiance wise. so the owner of this restaurant is putting mannequins in the empty seats. to make it feel full. for real. it's a whole restaurant full of jared kushners. the chef at the restaurant said "i've always had a thing for mannequins." really? we never would have guessed that. if you live in the area, so, finally, you can enjoy a three-star michelin meal in the storage room at westworld. yesterday dr. anthony fauci warned congress about the dangers of opening things up too soon and today he got a shout out from the always-incisive brian kilmeade on fox and friends. >> shouldn't we also go to school on the success georgia's having in shouldn't we also go to school on the success florida's experiencing and south carolina, even dr. mauci said that's the model. >> jimmy: dr. mauci? that's chairman mauci, to you brian. mauci. forget dr. mauci, what i want to
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know about dr. oz and what is going on with his hair? for whatever reason some of these dopes at fox news are treating dr. fauci like he's the enemy in all this. tucker carlson, last night on his show, questioned fauci's stance on sending kids back to school. >> fauci says the children must stay home or countless people will die. that's the message. it's time to ask a very simple question. how does he know this exactly? is tony fauci right about the science? do we have any particular reason to think he is right? >> jimmy: well, let's see -- he is the director of the national institute of allergy and infectious diseases. there's that. these guys are unbelievable. anyone trusting fox news over doctors right now should only be allowed to see tucker carlson when their stool comes out red. but the president, fox news viewer number one, now says he disagrees with fauci too. he is ready to open schools.
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>> i think that we have to open our schools. young people are very little affected by this. we have to get our schools open. we have to get our country open. we have to open our country. now, we want to do it safely, but we also want to do it as quickly as possible. we can't keep going on hilike this. you're having bedlam in the streets already. we have to get it open. >> jimmy: well, listen, in fairness to trump, if your kids came out like eric and don jr. you would want to get schools going again soon too. what a mess. drum donald trump believes he can wish this virus away. he knows more than the doctors! meanwhile, joe biden is quietly at home and he is planning to stay put for the foreseeable future. he's basically grandpa joe from "willy wonka" right now. biden is doing what they call "campaigning from home." and it's going well.
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as you can see from this map, he has a commanding lead at home. a lot of blue -- in the living and bedroom areas. the toilets, in red, belong to trump. by the way, why do we need to see the guy running for president anyway? back when this all started, unless you lived within walking distance of a train station, you never got to see the president at all. people who voted for the first 15 presidents probably didn't even know what they looked like. they were just like, "james polk? that name sounds cute." this is a not at all surprising trend. sales of pajamas have skyrocketed. they're up 143%. and sales of pants are down 13%. at this point i don't even remember why we wore pants at all. why? were our legs cold? pants are now an option and i came up with a fun game to play. it's called -- "is jimmy wearing pants?" the way it works is, we put five seconds on the clock and you have to guess if i am bottomless. okay? here we go. let's play.
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♪ you have your answer? the answer is -- no, i am not wearing pants. i've not worn pants for a month. guillermo, next week we'll play it with you, guillermo. are you wearing pants right now? >> guillermo: no, i'm wearing shorts. >> jimmy: weel ne >> jimmy: we need to take a break, but we'll be right back with bill murray, so stick around. >> dicky: abc's "jimmy kimmel live," brought to you by the 2020 census. n help them in retu. complete your 2020 census today. 2020 census data helps communities plan funding for hospitals, clinics, and emergency services across the country. an accurate count helps public health officials know who is at risk, and first responders identify the resources
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they need to protect our communities. complete your census at 2020census.gov and help shape our future.
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(errhhhhh) do you want to show us the continents on the... no. it is not going good. my mom is getting stressed out. (speaks hebrew) momma's tired. i, i'm, like... woooo... (screams) (sighs heavily) so, starting just quickly by breathing in... i never thought i'd say this, but i kind of miss school! the teachers, i mean, y'all are gifted people! i thank you so much for what you're doing. their investment into our children is beyond what we can even imagine. appreciate all that you do. ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. join us tomorrow night, my guest will be stephen curry.
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and we are going to honor our healthcare hero of the week with the help of a magnetic mystery museic man. if there's anyone who can shake us out of this pandemic doldrum, it is my guest tonight. he's joining us now from murray manor, please welcome bill murray. hi, bill. hi, bill. how you doin'? >> hi, jimmy, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm doing well. >> i'm doing well, but i'm in that funny moment. i i'm drawing my tub now, getting the right temperature is always a problem for me. today is kind of a celebration, i haven't seen you in a while. i thought a bubble bath would be appropriate, but you know how it is with bubbles, you can't -- >> jimmy: you can't count on bubbles. >> you can't snap your fingers and make them. they just come when they come. >> jimmy: we're not in a rush.
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we can wait for the bubbles to come. >> no, no. i'm dying to talk to you. i'm dying to see you. >> jimmy: you know, when you quarantine, you don't have to stay in the tub, as long as you stay on the inside of the house, you're okay. >> no, no, it depends on the state. >> jimmy: this is genius, really, because they do say soap and water are the best things to protect you from the virus, and you're right in it. >> well, i don't know if i, i'm hoping to go, and, you know, cold tubs are really the best. and i want to spearmeexperiment that, because i've never tried to make bubbles in a cold tub. i want to be alive and happy and focussed with you as i can. but once we get to a certain point and we've accomplished what we really need to entertainment wise or socially distance wise, i think i might switch to cold. >> jimmy: i don't blame you for one moment. what's the mood like in
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charleston, south carolina where you are right now? >> they've opened the world sort of. it's reopened a little bit. i'm wearing a mask when i go out. and most young people do not wear masks at all. they don't. the only people i see are people that haven't put on their makeup yet, those kind of people. but i like it. but i think anyone that is not wearing a mask, you could argue, you're being socially irresponsible, you're risking your life and the lives of others, eh, maybe, who cares. but you're missing a real opportunity to say, i'm on the side of law and order. >> jimmy: that's right. >> don't you understand? if i weren't on the side of law and order i would have walked in with my guns drawn. >> jimmy: not just law and order but common decency. are you missing baseball? you are a team owner in
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charleston? i'm sorry to interrupt you. there's not enough bubbles in this thing. there we go. that -- >> jimmy: that should do it. ? th >> that could be the missing vaccine, we don't know. yeah, there's no baseball. i've been trying the korean baseball for about an inning at a time at night. but it's okay. but it doesn't get it done. they have all the old games on espn, that kind of thing. but i really miss baseball. >> jimmy: bill, i went on the website of the charleston river dogs, the team you are co-owner, and also, what's your job there? you're the director of fun? ? th >> they call me the director of fun, yeah. they kick me down stairs. >> jimmy: i noticed you guys, even though you aren't playing baseball, they are serving food. people can go to the stadium and pick up something to go from the joe. this is quite a menu. what's the home wrecker, do you
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know that item on the menu? >> the home wrecker is like a 14-inch hot dog. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. have you been watching the last dance on espn? i know you're a bulls fan >> of course i have, of course i have. it i've actual little seen myself in the background. there i am right there! play that back. i got the hat on because i'm "last dancing" today. but it's a great thing. and it's very fascinating to watch. people keep, are starting to, it's too much for some people. they can't take, like both back to back. there are people who go i can't, it sort of knocks them out. partly, i think they arrive, they come exhausted. but they think, i think it takes a lot out of people, you know. takes a lot out of people to watch it. >> jimmy: did you ever have a memorable experience with
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michael jordan? i know many people are always having memorable experiences with you. is there something that comes to mind when you think of him off the court? >> well, i made the movie movi jam" with michael jordan. we'd go play three or four holes of golf with larry bird and michael jordan. one of those deals where some sort of celebrity fool plays with a pro. and it was great, ditka and michael ande irn irn irn irn irn payton. all these guys hit it great. somehow i ended up in the last group. everybody was eliminated except my guy and i, mike peter jacobson against michael jordan.
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it was my team's fienal hole. h. bubba phillips ran up with a picture from "sports illustrated," michael, saying billy, this is the guy you got to beat on this hole. and i did beat him. >> jimmy: and you beat him. >> and i beat him. but he was exhausted o at tat t of the day, he to sign some 300,000 autographs. but just as he was leaving, i was like, michael! and he was like, ah, one more? and i was like, would you take a photograph with my mother? and he went, what? and there's the most hilarious photograph of my mother, lucille collins murray, one of the stellar beauties on the planet standing next to this giant man. and the smiles on both of their faces, because they knew exactly how ridiculous the photograph looked. but he was a sweetie, he took
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the picture. >> jimmy: nice. bill murray's with us. when we come back, bill is going to ep hhelp you. so we'll be right back. >> i'll be right back, too. mmun, working to care for all of us. at novartis, we promise to do our part. as always, we're doing everything we can to help keep cosentyx accessible and affordable. if you have any questions at all, call us, email us, visit us online. we're here to help support you when you need us. take care, and be well. to learn more, call one eight four four cosentyx or visit cosentyx.com
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>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live" from my house. bi bill ma murray is in his tub at his house. bill murray gives good advice. he gave us good advice when we had our baby. maybe you can help some of these people, all right.
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>> sure. >> jimmy: this young woman, kate, she says i have nothing to do in quarantine, do you have any advice? >> i think she should just walk around the house. i think you'd be surprised how many insect infestations are happening right now. i don't think people are aware of it, this is the time when insects move. i think she should move around the perimeter of her house. you can use baking soda, baking powder, that kind of thing. she should just sprinkle the house around it. neighbors that you don't get along with will see that and they won't be coming by any longer, so that's going to help the family. >> jimmy: little girls lovebugs. there's gelato in the freezer that isn't mine. should i eat it? bye-bye, flor. >> it's a free concert. that's the people's gelato. it's a free concert. i should recommend to flor that she should try to make a
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drowning man with that gelato, make it for her father. make some really dark coffee or espresso. and make root beer floats like crunchy on the outside, do that with coffee, and it's really good. do that with your parents and you become the favorite child. >> jimmy: one more question, should i let my dad cut my hair since all the barbershops are closed? >> absolutely. my dad cut my hair until, i think i had maybe one, two barbershop haircuts in my whole grade school into high school. we had too many kids. there wasn't $100 to go get haircuts, you know, it just wasn't happening. so he learned how to cut hair. i now cut my own hair. i got one of those things, too. and i do it myself. and it looks better than, i mean, it needs a little cleaning
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up. but basically, cutting your on hair feels really good. she should let the kid do it himself and let the dad clean it up. >> jimmy: teamwork. >> it can be a bonding thing. dad, you take one side, i'll take the other side, we'll compare. >> jimmy: each night, we choose a charity, your son homer has a great res trataurant called 21 n point. and you are taking on guy fieri and his son in a nacho cheese making competition on friday on the food network facebook page. you'll crush him, right? >> yeah, i mean, i still haven't met him in person. i've talked to him on the phone and so forth, and he does a lot of nice things for other people. but i think this is going to be a tough week for guy, and i think guy's friends should sit around him and tell him, it's not all about winning, you got
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to learn to lose. you got to. >> jimmy: thank you, bill. >> look what i found! >> jimmy: bill murray's making the most of quarantine. >> you can't go too far in a bubble bath. >> jimmy: you can never take a bubble bath too far. bill murray, we appreciate it, we'll be right back. ♪ trust toyota to be here for you. your toyota dealers are offering so many ways for you to save, including 0% financing and attractive leases on our most popular toyotas, like camry, rav4 and tacoma. and toyota will defer your payments up to 90 days. you can even shop and buy online from the comfort of your home. all from the brand you trust. today and tomorrow. toyota. all from the brand you trust. ♪ today and tomorrow.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to "jimmy kimmel live." in my house, where i've spent every moment for the past two years, i think. but the good news is, i've finally had time to launch some small business ideas i had. i have so many great ideas. like -- the horse of the month club. every month, a different horse is delivered to your door. it's great for people who love horses, but not that much. i have so many strong ideas. there's rent-a-sock. adopt a spider. hummmm-bler. the app that teaches you to hum. for only $12.95 a month i've got so many great business ideas, i
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can barely get my teeth brushed in the morning. oh, wait -- got a second, write this down, electric-powered toothbrush. another good one. i'm on a roll here and since i'm too busy thinking to organize my books, i use quickbooks live. they connect me with a live, certified bookkeeper who can update me on where all my new businesses stand. like -- soup on a rope. imagine. you're out rounding up cattle and enjoying soup! great idea jim. i actually just finished a live video session with my bookkeeper kiva who closed my books for the month and now i'm ready to start my newest and potentially most lucrative project. i call it pants for plants. at pants for plants, our goal is to make sure no plant ever goes nude again. you're welcome, you little tease. >> dicky: quickbooks live, bookkeeping you can trust that your books are done right,
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guaranteed. >> jimmy: that's all the time we have. i'd like to thank bill murray and apologize to matt damon. go wash up! this is "nightline." tonight, season of covid, putting one fashion foot forward to a new normal. >> i'm missing a customer's smiling face. s >> some retailers reopening, with a new look. and possibly changing how we shop forever. plus, mystery illness. the scary reality for families. >> she was gray and ashy, and she was very dazed and confused. >> children affected by a rare, new syndrome. . >> my tummy hurted, and my throat was like dry. >> jimm >> possibly related to the coronavirus. "nightline," bringing america back starts right now

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