Skip to main content
Internet Archive's 25th Anniversary Logo

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  October 19, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

11:35 pm
watching. dan: right >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, from marvel studios' "eternals," salma hayek and kumail nanjiani. plus music from bleachers. and now jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, everybody. thank you. oh, that's very -- thank you. you know, thank you. hi, welcome. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching. thanks for coming. thanks for -- that's very nice. i have to say, you know -- sometimes i feel like we look around at the world, and we see all the negatives. the advancements we make can also move us backwards. the things that are supposed to make our lives better, oftentimes make it worse.
11:36 pm
but it's also important to acknowledge and appreciate the marvels that come from the human mind. these ideas, i mean -- we're on television right now. around us every day.hat happen - yesterday, we saw an elderly actor who played captain kirk get launched into actual space. [ laughter ] and we're all just like, "yeah, okay, whatever." today, i happened across something that barely even made the news. even though it could have a major impact on the very creation of human life. and that is this. the new way of male contraception. just charge it, fill it with water, press the button to heat it up, you heat it up, it's ready to use. you put your testicles in. [ laughter ] and it gives your cojones a nice little boil. it's an ultrasonic "testicle bath." designed to de-baby your sperm. and wow, finally we can stop trying to squeeze our scrotums in the make wave. [ cheers and applause ] isn't that a miracle?
11:37 pm
they say this could replace condoms as a form of birth control. but i'm having a hard time imagining how that would go. if you'll excuse me, i need 20 minutes to sauna my gonads before we make love. [ laughter ] it's called the coso. it comes in three sizes. regular, large, and nikki minaj's cousin's friend. [ laughter ] who's the nutcase that came up with this nut case? and shouldn't it have a warning on the side that says, "not a toothbrush holder"? [ laughter ] this seems like something a scientist came up with to try to trick her husband into washing down there, right? [ laughter ] unfortunately, it is not available for purchase yet. it's still in the "teste" phase. but guillermo, i hope to have one for you for christmas. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: regular one. >> jimmy: yes. in other science news, the white house is telling states to prepare to vaccinate kids. biden says children aged 5 to 11 could be eligible to get their shots in just a few weeks. [ cheers and applause ]
11:38 pm
which will undoubtedly result in a whole new wave of outrage from parents who don't realize their kids are already vaccinated against a dozen other infectious diseases. but i will say this. my kids won't get the shot. my kids are anti-vaxxers. [ laughter ] when it comes to getting shots, they're like two little kyrie irvings. [ laughter ] they won't do it. maybe we should have santa give the shots. the timing is right. deputize mall santas to do this for us. "roll up your sleeve or there will be no hatchimals this year!" are kids still into hatchimals? >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: anyway, put this on santa. president biden has been doing what he can to get shots into people's arms, but that hasn't stopped the succubi in trumpland from blaming him for the fact that people are reluctant to get vaccinated. kellyanne conway crawled out of the toilet last night to make this, even for her, incredible statement. >> president trump's administration under "operation warp speed," we handed over three approved vaccines to biden/harris.
11:39 pm
all they had to do is run a marketing campaign, that's all they had do, we did the science part. >> jimmy: she's still got it. [ laughter ] i guess she forgot that week her boss told everyone to drink bleach and not worry about it. [ laughter ] meanwhile, the angry orange baby is throwing another fit over the election he can't admit he lost. he wrote, "if we don't solve the presidential election fraud of 2020, which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented, republicans will not be voting in '22 or '24." [ cheers and applause ] it is the single most important thing -- i know. i'm confused also. [ applause ] did nancy pelosi write this for him? [ laughter ] it seems like he's telling republicans not to vote. of course, this brings up the age-old question, how do you solve a problem you made up? [ laughter ] this isn't the only nutty message trump is sending around. this is a real email from his campaign. "fauci is a grinch," in all caps. [ laughter ] "he is trying to cancel christmas. and if you donate to his campaign, you get free "how
11:40 pm
fauci stole christmas" stickers to let everyone know "you will not be controlled and will not let fauci steal christmas." [ laughter ] this man is a talker. he's like, why am i -- this is their new theme, though. the grinchy democrats want to take your christmas away. >> can this administration guarantee that holiday packages will arrive on time? >> they are not the postal service or u.p.s. or fed ex, we cannot guarantee. >> no guarantees in life. the grinch has nothing on these people! biden and the democrats are going to be stealing our children's future. just like the grinch in the middle of the night, slithering around those presents, taking everything in sight. >> jimmy: i have a feeling she didn't read all the way to the end of the book. [ laughter ] despite fox's best efforts, joe biden stealing christmas is not what most americans are worried about right now. not even in the top five. they did a survey using google searches to identify the most common fears in each state. none of them are the grinch.
11:41 pm
it's basically a phobia map. america's top fear across the board was failure. [ laughter ] that's a real map they made. when you break it down, in new york, the biggest fear was intimacy. [ laughter ] specifically, the fear of intimacy with andrew cuomo. [ laughter ] in wyoming, the biggest fear is clowns. [ laughter ] maybe because that's where kanye spends a lot of his time. i don't know. [ moans ] montana's number one phobia was fear of people. which is the least populated state, there's two people who live there. i guess they're scared of each other. florida's number one fear is blood. and the number one fear in every other state is florida. [ laughter ] here in california, this is interesting. the number one is blood too, in california. i would have guessed gluten. [ laughter ] right now is the time of the year when your new-agiest friends proceed with caution. whenever anything goes wrong around this time of year people will say, "well, mercury is in retrograde." it's one of those things you hear a lot about, but i wonder if anyone has any idea of what that means.
11:42 pm
so we went out on the street and asked pedestrians to explain the phenomenon known as mercury in retrograde, and this is what we learned. >> as i'm sure you know, the planet mercury went into retrograde recently. can you tell us what mercury in retrograde means? >> okay, it's something about the space and how it affects, like, the moon and the -- how the stars align. >> can you explain mercury in retrograde to me like i'm 5 years old? >> yes. the mercury in retrograde sucks all the planets down. >> keep going. >> into a hole. >> what is retrograde, exactly? >> it means that the -- what, the moon? >> mercury. >> mercury's on the other side of the planet, okay? they have switched sides, they're on opposite sides. usually we'd be on the other side, now mercury is on the side where we can view it. and the moon is in back of it, okay?
11:43 pm
>> can you explain what retrograde is? >> i don't know, a lot of vague life changes i've noticed in some of my friends' lives. they were going into life changes. not to get into astrology. >> no, get into that. you're into astrology? >> a little, not heavily. >> what's your sign? >> taurus. >> okay, cool. i'm an equestrian. >> all right. >> a lot of people are upset joe biden didn't do more to prevent mercury from going into retrograde. what do you think about that? >> i believe he could have did something. all the stuff we got these days, technology, smartphones. you know, basically space police and stuff. i'm pretty sure they could have did something. >> yeah, joe biden, mercury, that's technically intergalactic politics if you believe in anything like that. >> i do. >> with nasa and -- what's the -- there's intergalactic monetary system, i do know that. >> i think joe biden should, like, chill on some of this stuff. maybe, like, get the government out of involvement, have regular parameters by the people.
11:44 pm
>> what do you think the people of mercury would say about that? >> i think the people of mercury would agree. >> they have just as much right or access to the universe as we do. you know, i can't -- i'm not special because mom and dad had sex here. and then someone else's mom and dad had sex in mercury. now i own this planet because i'm, you know -- no. >> that doesn't make any sense? >> i don't believe that [ bleep ]. >> yeah. so recently the planet mercury went into retrograde. did you see that when it happened? were you looking at the sky? wasn't that crazy? >> yes. and i have actually a story about that. yesterday i almost got abducted. by a spaceship. >> by a spaceship? >> it was hovering over me. and i started talking to it because aliens are smart, you know what i'm saying? they can telepathically -- i said, no, not today, y'all ain't abducting me, don't come play that. i have pictures. this is what it looked like when i first walked outside of my house.
11:45 pm
>> can you zoom in a little bit on it? wait, i'm sorry -- is that the tip of your blunt? >> spaceships can cloak into airplanes and blimps and disappear into the sky. this is a picture of the sun. >> whoa, that's crazy. >> that was really the end of it. i was just glad i ain't get abducted. i know it's crazy hearing the story now, just imagine if i came and be like, "i was abducted." mercury in retrograde would be hard for me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so please be careful. don't make any big decisions. all right. one more thing before we forge ahead, it's thursday night, which means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] >> good morning to everyone. [ bleep ] you. all of you. everyone. >> i like how you think, number one, he has [ bleep ]. you've heard this, [ bleep ]
11:46 pm
night once a week. >> beth asks, my husband says our dog [ bleep ], [ bleep ] to the salty taste. i say it because he loves me. who's right? >> interesting question. >> typically when you have [ bleep ] on your face, it's not a positive event. >> the traditional banging of the [ bleep ] at arrowhead stadium. >> you can [ bleep ]. >> i think i can learn. >> you can [ bleep ] my wife. >> no, because you're on two -- >> no, my wife never wanted [ bleep ], took a lesson four, five years ago. >> nailed it? >> nailed it and loves it. >> i always need to floss after i eat my wife's [ bleep ]. >> so beautiful. yes, beautiful in its way. >> no, i mean you [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. just amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we've got something fun planned. when we come back the return of one of our favorite and most ridiculous games. salma hayek and kumail nanjiani will go head-to-head as they play "name that famous celebrity," with our old friend yehya.
11:47 pm
so stick around. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ pringles original, barbecue, pizza. the barbecue pizza stack. (cheers) where is everyone? pringles, endless flavors to stack. ♪
11:48 pm
got this gorgeous italian leather bag from marshalls. it was such a deal! ♪ need a cleanser that does more? new and improved cetaphil cleansers are specially formulated with our dermatologist-backed blend of ingredients to reinforce your skin's moisture barrier. cetaphil. complete care for your sensitive skin. the primary reason i brought the girls to mcdonald's is the food was gonna get 'em there. there just happened to be some chess players there and i can connect the two. you know, the rest was really history. to watch their game advance. that's just a wonderful thing.
11:49 pm
we looked for the most hidden places ...to discover the finest belgian chocolate. that's famous amos worthy! savor the world in a bite. famous amos. wonders from the world. [♪] if you're only using facial moisturizer in the morning, famous amos. did you know, the best time for skin renewal is at night? olay retinol24 renews millions of surface skin cells while you sleep. wake up to smoother, younger-looking skin with olay retinol24. we make sit-down chicken... ...stand-up chicken... backyard chicken...
11:50 pm
...oops chicken... ...lots-a-time chicken... ...no-time chicken. if there's one thing we know, it's chicken, chicken and chicken. more choices. more wow. more to love. tyson.
11:51 pm
shoot. what's wrong? i think i'm down to my last inhaler. don't worry. you can refill it and get it delivered using the kaiser permanente app. smart. refill most prescriptions online and get delivery for no cost. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. it is time to play "name that famous celebrity!" [ cheers and applause ] let's meet our contestants. one is a beloved and beautiful actor who hails from mexico. the other a beloved and slightly less beautiful actor who hails from pakistan. they are here to try to make sense of the nonsensical. please welcome salma hayek and kumail nanjiani. [ cheers and applause ] welcome. and now, let's meet the star of our game!
11:52 pm
[ cheers and applause ] i met this man outside a movie theater many years ago. he is a handyman by day, and celebrity pesterer by night. please say hello to yehya. yehya! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right, yehya. first of all, i would like to say, god bless you. >> no, god bless you, jimmy. >> jimmy: no, god bless you. >> no, you make me famous everywhere -- >> jimmy: god bless you, yehya. >> in german in england, egypt, and here -- >> all over the world, yes. >> god bless, yes, thank you. >> jimmy: yes, thank you. here's how the game works. i will show yehya a photo of a famous person. i believe we have an example. [ cheers and applause ] remember this, salma? >> yeah. >> jimmy: your job will be to try to name the celebrity yehya describes, without seeing that celebrity. okay? i'd like to ask you to put on your blindfolds now. yes, go right ahead.
11:53 pm
>> so nice, you know? >> jimmy: they are in marvel's "eternals" together. >> feliz navidad. >> feliz navidad. >> jimmy: when you get that on, listen to yehya's clues, if you think you know, buzz. if you're wrong, your opponent gets to steal. are you ready? let's begin. yehya, who is this famous celebrity? >> the guy who do the movie with sylvester stallone long time, he need to lock the money, go to the bank. he got the shot, and the thing he want to shoot sylvester, and he's latino from spain. >> antonio banderas. >> jimmy: that is correct, salma! [ cheers and applause ] beautifully enunciated. all right. we're off to a good start. >> i have a question. >> jimmy: yes, kumail? >> what are you talking about? [ laughter ] >> he said latino from spanish,
11:54 pm
and i knew. >> from the spanish, you know? >> what is the movie? >> tell him about the movie. >> i don't know the movie, but latino from spanish. >> jimmy: let's not worry about the movie, kumail, let's focus on winning this game. yehya, our second celebrity. who is this famous celebrity? >> oh, the music guy. american-african, he marry the lady, she's famous with all his mom and dad, his dad come woman now. >> kanye! >> jimmy: i'm sorry, kumail. >> what? >> jimmy: you buzzed in, you get to guess. >> kanye west. >> jimmy: that's right, a tie game. >> by the way, yehya, that's not her father. >> no, is -- stepfather. >> no, not the stepfather. >> jimmy: you got everything wrong but it looks like you had a nice time together. >> yeah. >> jimmy: kumail? >> i was going to say, we should move on.
11:55 pm
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's move on. we have a tie game. yehya, who is this famous celebrity? >> the guy who do the show long "star war." "star war" with the guy like -- now he go to the moon, i don't know. you know, he go to the moon. he do -- our guy pass away, "star war." >> jimmy: kumail? >> william shatner. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is correct! >> i see the look, the guy that don't go moon, i don't know. >> and he was in "star wars," which is wrong, and he went to the moon, which is wrong. >> jimmy: that's right. >> that's okay. you win already, my friend. >> jimmy: in this case, two wrongs make a right. you got that, kumail? >> i got the picture very hard, don't want to take picture, tyson in vegas, and i jump inside -- >> jimmy: were you using just for men back then?
11:56 pm
>> yeah, i seen my bus there, my bus, mike tyson -- >> jimmy: let's go to our next celebrity, yehya. who is this famous celebrity? >> she's beautiful girl, she's latino music, but she's american -- >> shakira. >> no, no, quiet, quiet. [ laughter ] she's the one that listen to -- she's the one that the girlfriend, justin bieber, the first girlfriend. >> jimmy: kumail? >> selena gomez. >> jimmy: that is right! [ cheers and applause ] selena gomez. >> i really wanted to get that. i knew it. >> jimmy: she was very young when you met her the first time. >> yes. last six months, she's so nice with me. >> jimmy: very good. 300-100, salma, you could still win this. yehya, who is this famous celebrity? >> who's that? [ laughter ] i don't know. >> jimmy: that was the question for you. >> oh! i tell you. one minute. africa, africa, africa, africa.
11:57 pm
she's -- she's solid for football. africa, africa. >> a woman? >> a woman, music like you, she's from espana. >> music like me from spain? >> are you -- are you -- >> shakira! >> that's right. >> jimmy: that's exactly right, salma, shakira. there you are with shakira. >> that one, actually, she come to -- she stop for me, she speak egyptian, her father lebanese. and her father lebanese too. >> jimmy: you know a lot of things, yet you know so little, it's really amazing. >> she's so nice. >> jimmy: a close game. kumail, you lead, 300 points. salma, 200 points. yehya, name this famous celebrity. >> oh, the guy, african, he do te movie john travolta with the gun, the director, okay, he do the movie "any snake in the plane." >> jimmy: yes? >> samuel l. jackson. >> jimmy: is that right, kumail.
11:58 pm
[ applause ] and i have to believe samuel l. jackson -- where did you meet sam? >> in the restaurant, i don't remember which one. >> jimmy: kumail? >> i want to clarify, before "snakes in the plane" from the movie with john travolta with the gun, i knew it was samuel l. jackson, i just want to clarify. >> jimmy: you won't get any extra points. >> "king kong" too, he was in "king kong." >> jimmy: he already got the answer. >> oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: should we do one more just for the hell of it? let's take a look. [ cheers and applause ] this one, for 200 points -- name this famous celebrity. >> oh -- the guy -- he's the one from canada -- he do music. "baby, baby, baby." >> oh, justin bieber? >> jimmy: that's right, salma. we have a tie game. should we go one sudden death question? for all the marbles here, yehya, name that famous celebrity. >> oh. this guy, he make movie in france.
11:59 pm
with the -- the got michael kid. he want to like stole the money, become rich, he got this money. end of the movie, one lady, she got both of his money, she run away. they do the movie in monte carlo, in cannes in france. >> jimmy: wow, you really saw that movie. give another movie he's in, like three of them. >> because i don't know this guy. >> jimmy: describe what he looks like. >> he look white hair -- >> jimmy: kumail? >> steve martin. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is right, steve martin! kumail wins. >> dicky: salma and kumail are each going home with a bunch of bananas and a panini maker! >> oh, thank you so much. >> jimmy: congratulations, kumail. thank you, yehya. that was "name that famous celebrity." what are you doing? >> take picture together. >> jimmy: all right. we'll be right back with kumail and salma.
12:00 am
when you're driving a lincoln, stress seems to evaporate into thin air. which leaves us to wonder, where does it go? does it get tangled up in knots? or fall victim to gravity? or maybe it winds up somewhere over the bermuda triangle. perhaps you'll come up with your own theory of where the stress goes. behind the wheel of a lincoln is a mighty fine place to start.
12:01 am
get ready - our most popular battery is even more powerful. the stronger, lasts-longer energizer max. [knocking on door] ♪ ♪ so many bottles of champagne ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm in a room with the famous faces ♪ “ready and action!” ♪ oh, i feel like scorsese ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah, this sure is like a movie ♪ ♪ (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) ♪ ♪ whoa, we're 'bout to make a movie, ♪ ♪ woo ♪ ♪ ♪ roll out the red carpet for me ♪ “ladies and gentlemen, that's a wrap!"
12:02 am
12:03 am
the bennetts really know how to put their wifi to work. ♪ roll out the red carpet for me ♪ whether it's work work. works for me. school work it worked! or a workout. oh i'm working...
12:04 am
they've got xfinity, which delivers wifi faster than a gig for all their devices. it's more than enough to keep everyone working. can your internet do that? this is work! this is hard! learn more about gig-speed wifi, or get started with xfinity internet for $19.99 a month for 12 months. click, call, or visit a store today.
12:05 am
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight, this album is called "take the sadness out of saturday night." music from bleachers from the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] our guests tonight are talented, likable, and oscar-nominated people. together, they have been in more than 150 movies and tv shows, but now, they join forces to save humanity from monsters in their marvel movie debut "eternals," opens in theaters november 5th. please say hello to salma hayek and kumail nanjiani. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: first of all, great job in the game. you guys were quite a duo, really. you have chemistry, you got the whole thing. >> yeah. >> thank you, it's not an easy game.
12:06 am
>> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] >> no, no. you know, i have a parrot called yehya. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> and he doesn't speak much, but i understand him better than this yehya. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you seem to get it just enough to win the game. and you did pretty well. yehya's already forgotten both of your names. [ laughter ] >> yeah, he called me kapoor, pretty sure. he did. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who was the first celebrity that you guys, before you were famous or before you'd come to hollywood, saw in the wild? >> you go first. >> jimmy: i'm not talking about a movie set. >> who did you find in the wild? >> my first time in l.a., i went to the arc light theater. >> jimmy: that's where i met yehya. [ laughter ] >> really? >> jimmy: yep. >> i saw keanu reeves there. i remember thinking, his butt is really small. [ laughter ]
12:07 am
it was so small and adorable. i was like, wow, keanu, you have a little butt. the magic of hollywood. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: salma, how about you? >> oh -- i remember one time i was in a restaurant. and stevie wonder walked in. i'm a huge fan. i mean, i'm a huge fan. i never go up to people. but this time i went. and i went up, across the room, "mr. stevie wonder, my name is salma hayek." and i was already -- and i had done a couple of movies. he said, "i know who you are." >> jimmy: i want you to know you're my hero, i'm a huge fan." he said, "very nice to meet you." there was somebody with him. he reached out for my hand, but he was going straight for my boobs. [ laughter ] because he's blind, he cannot see. the guy with him panicked and said, "she's short, she's short!" [ laughter ] and he re-aimed. i said," i'm not short, i'm kneeling to god." >> jimmy: that's a good recovery.
12:08 am
>> he was like, ahhh! >> jimmy: this is the first marvel movie for the two of you. which is obviously a -- not just a big deal here in the united states, it's big around the world. are your families back home aware of this, and do they know what a big deal this is? >> yeah, how excited is your family? >> honestly, the one that is the most excited is my husband. >> jimmy: he is, really? >> yes. i think my mom -- she's watching korean telenovelas now. [ laughter ] i don't know why, she's mexican, for her it's like a marvel movie. a marvel movie? is it about architecture? i go, no, no! marvel! i'm a superhero! she's like, that's great, mijita, i'm glad. you know, she doesn't really follow -- my father's a little bit more into it. >> jimmy: okay. >> but at least she does understand, though, the importance of being latina.
12:09 am
>> jimmy: uh-huh? >> middle-aged. [ cheers and applause ] middle-aged woman and still playing an action hero! >> yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> she was impressed. she thought i was going to be the mother of the action hero. no, it's me. >> it's you! >> jimmy: kumail? >> my dad can't bring it up without crying. [ laughter ] it's really, really adorable. yeah, it's so sweet. he'll be on the phone, "so we went to the movie theater today -- and -- your -- poster --" i'm like, "it's okay, just send me a picture." it's a picture of him with the "eternals" poster. i'm getting emotional talking about it, it's so sweet. he's so excited. >> i almost want to cry too. >> jimmy: wow. >> we're doing a screening in new york. he was like, can i come? i was like, yes, you can come, but you have to buy a real ticket. you don't have to see it, but you have to buy a real ticket. he's like, don't worry, he has a whole work crew going, a family crew going. he's so excited.
12:10 am
>> my parents are coming in too. >> jimmy: they're coming special, that's nice. >> it's opening on his birthday, and he thought i did it on purpose, my father. [ laughter ] i'm like, "yes, dad, happy birthday." >> jimmy: you don't tell him otherwise? >> no. he thought the premiere was the same day. he's disappointed that it's before. that was the party for him. but no. >> jimmy: you had a birthday last month. a little birthday party. how many people were at your birthday party? >> okay, there was no birthday party. >> jimmy: okay. >> all of those people were crashers. >> jimmy: okay. [ laughter ] >> i said, i don't want a birthday party this year. i had to work all day. 25 people that i told them there is no birthday party showed up anyway. [ laughter ] they thought, oh, she's going to be alone, it's the first birthday -- i am not with my husband and kids, i was flying the next day, i had to work that day. everybody felt sorry for my loneliness so they showed up at my house. you know? before i knew it, 25 people. i mean, i had to say, bring some
12:11 am
booze! [ laughter ] thank god there was a cake that my agent, this coconut, it was great. >> jimmy: there was a cake. a tradition, maybe we talked about this after your 50th birthday, what is it called? >> mordita. mordita! mordita! mordita! mordita! see, the audience, they know. >> this is the power of salma hayek, she can get them to chant something that they don't know what it is. [ laughter ] only you can do that. >> jimmy: so mordita is when they push your head in the cake? >> right. after you blow the candles. you have to mordita. it means a bite. you have to bite the cake with your mouth, without your hands holding or anything. and then there's always one that comes and hits you and sticks your face inside the cake. >> wait, so the tradition is, when it's your birthday, the person whose birthday it is gets to take a bite out of the cake and then the other human beings have to eat that cake? [ laughter ]
12:12 am
>> yes. it's good to blow your nose before the mordita. >> especially these days. >> i know, i know. that's a tradition. the extra is the pushing. this time angelina came. >> jimmy: angelina jolie? she's in the movie with you guys. >> we were starting mordita, she's like, what's happening? a bunch of mexicans. >> jimmy: she was next to you so she has to push your head in the cake? >> we told her i was going to bite and the tradition -- she said, no, no. oh, no, cannot do that. she got over the no. [ laughter ] >> mordita, mordita! >> jimmy: that was a very gentle push. i feel like you put your own head in the cake. [ cheers and applause ] >> one candle. >> jimmy: kumail, were you at the party? >> no, i guess i was not one of the 25 people. [ laughter ] i mordita'd myself to sleep at home.
12:13 am
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: we'll work it out during the commercial break. kumail nanjiani and salma hayek are here! marvel's "eternals." we'll be right back. the class. we meet the hero, the all-new nissan frontier hero faces seemingly impossible challenge. tension builds... the plot twist the hero prevails in hollywood, this would be the end. but our here, we are just getting started. introducing the all-new nissan frontier.
12:14 am
welcome back. hey man! ♪ we're all a local somewhere... so visit your local, and make every sunday, local bar sunday. ♪ start your day with crest 3d white and from mochaccinos to merlot, and make every sunday, local bar sunday. your smile will always be brilliant. crest 3d white brilliance. 100% stain removal, 24 hour stain resistance to lock in your whitest smile. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. your mission: stand up to moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. and take. it. on...
12:15 am
with rinvoq. rinvoq a once-daily pill can dramatically improve symptoms... rinvoq helps tame pain, stiffness, swelling. and for some, rinvoq can even significantly reduce ra fatigue. that's rinvoq relief. with ra, your overactive immune system attacks your joints. rinvoq regulates it to help stop the attack. rinvoq can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious infections and blood clots, sometimes fatal, have occurred as have certain cancers, including lymphoma, and tears in the stomach or intestines, and changes in lab results. your doctor should monitor your bloodwork. tell your doctor about any infections... and if you are or may become pregnant while taking rinvoq. take on ra. talk to your rheumatologist about rinvoq relief. rinvoq. make it your mission. learn how abbvie could help you save on rinvoq. pringles original, barbecue, pizza.
12:16 am
the barbecue pizza stack. (cheers) where is everyone? pringles, endless flavors to stack. we are back, folks! we can see people again! can you believe it?! music playing music playing music playing i really like this. something else you'll really like, old navy is imagining a greener future - future - future. hi. prickly - oh. 6g. -networking. networking. -networking.
12:17 am
[ beer cracks open ] [ reggaeton music starts playing ]
12:18 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
12:19 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is "eternals," the new marvel movie. two of the stars of the film, salma hayek and kumail nanjiani, are here with us. kumail, what are your powers, what was that? >> i shoot -- i shoot [ bleep ] from my hands. [ laughter ] >> wait, wait, wait -- >> jimmy: it's like a -- >> like guns, yep. i got to work, and i was like, so how do i shoot? chloe was like, finger guns. i was like, that's so goofy.
12:20 am
she's like, no, it's going to be finger guns. she's like, i promise it will look cool. so i felt stupid for six months doing this every day. [ laughter ] and it looks pretty cool! [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. but i got to tell you something funny about that. >> jimmy: yes? >> he's a really hard worker. >> jimmy: uh-huh? >> and he had to do sign language. >> jimmy: right, learn sign language. >> there's a lot of things he does with the hands. there's also some bollywood dancing number. sometimes you would see him on his own going -- [ laughter ] and i'm like -- help me, because i also do something with the hands. he was quite graceful. he was practicing. should be like this? or should be like this? should it be like this? should we -- what do you think? is this better, is this better? and so he was all the time -- and i said, oh, are you doing your hands? he goes, no, i'm doing the -- i'm doing my bollywood number.
12:21 am
[ laughter ] you didn't know if it was the bollywood or sign language or coming up with different ways -- and at the end it was just like this. but it worked. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> simple. >> jimmy: yeah, you really have to be careful when you're dancing because you could kill somebody with those balls of energy. >> no, man, i got control. this is marvel. i know what i'm doing. >> jimmy: did you ever imagine yourself doing a dance sequence? [ laughter ] >> can i -- okay. this is what happened. i talked -- chloe was like, we want you to do this movie, there's a bollywood dance sequence. and i was like, okay, i don't know how dance, can we not do that? >> period. >> she's right. chloe was like, okay, we'll do a bollywood action sequence. i was like, great. i got to london, the first day in london, she's like, by the way, i lied to you, it is a dance sequence. [ laughter ] i got a dance teacher and learned for four months, and i
12:22 am
was very nervous for it -- >> he was so nervous. >> salma, you really, really like sort of gave me a lot of confidence. like you would bring it up all the time and be like, you've got to do it. >> i was like the psychologist. >> yeah. >> i was. he's like, but i just got -- i'm so bad. you know what was really funny? i know him from before. all of a sudden he showed up and he was like hot! >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> my god, the body. like, wow! he was walking different, moving different. and i'm like, but you're a goofball, what happened to you? [ laughter ] i want those muscles. let me touch them. they're still there, by the way. and he was looking really action hero. but when it was time to get on the horse or do the dance, we were back to old kumail, like oh my god, i can't, how am i going to pull it off! >> horses are scary. [ laughter ]
12:23 am
have you seen their legs? there's so much muscle. >> he was so funny. he was so funny. he's like, salma, what do i do if it starts throwing me? it won't. but what if it does? it won't, just relax. but he's feeling my fear! yes, just relax on it. but if he takes off -- we're in a parking lot, somebody's holding your horse by the thing! [ laughter and applause ] >> i was just like -- having a horse is like driving a car that has its own brain. [ laughter ] it's terrifying. you're trying to convince it the whole time, you're not controlling the horse. you want to go right? no? okay, let's go where you want to go. [ laughter ] >> he says, do you think i should pet him, so he's nice to me? and i said, yeah, yeah, good idea. are you sure? what if it gets the wrong idea? [ laughter ] >> you helped me with that too, i took horse riding lessons. >> it was so funny. >> jimmy: it all paid off. not only are you in the marvel movie, you have action figures. [ cheers and applause ]
12:24 am
action figures are the sign that you made it. salma, your figure has like a spare head. >> okay, no, come on. im creepy there, come on. can i ask you something? >> jimmy: yes. >> give me this, give me this. look, look. am i like this? [ laughter ] >> no. >> am i like this? >> jimmy: no. no, the head -- this head looked -- maybe that's why they put an extra head. [ laughter ] >> i was going to be, you're exaggerating. then i saw it. no, you have e.t. head. >> yes. >> jimmy: yeah. >> then there's like this strange -- don't get me started with it. >> that's what stevie wonder was going for. [ laughter ] >> and look. >> jimmy: there you go. do you like this one better? >> let me see. oh my god, i don't know. >> that does look like you. >> i'm so sad. how dare you. >> jimmy: how about this? >> oh, look what he's doing, oh my god. >> making out over here. [ cheers and applause ]
12:25 am
>> oh my gosh. it's a telenovela. >> very mature, jimmy, keep going. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i hope your spouses don't mind. >> keep doing it. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you both. congratulations on being part of the -- >> can i say? this movie is really, really, really good. it's so, so good. [ cheers and applause ] it's a really good movie. >> jimmy: kumail wants his wife to be in this movie. >> you do not want to miss this. >> jimmy: thank you. salma, kumail nanjiani, "eternals" november 5th in theaters. be back with bleachers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ mily plans. that's why we love visible. that's why they do things dwe love visible. they do things differently. yeah, it's wireless with unlimited data and if you join a group it's as low as $25/mo. and if you join a group it's as low as $25/mo. and if you join a group it's as low as $25/mo. all powered by verizon. 5g included. 5g included. woo! woo! woo! just get together and save! just get together and save! we look goooood! what's everyone's handle? visible. unlimited data, as low as $25/mo all-in. unlimited data, as low as $25/mo all-in. powered by verizon, 5g included.
12:26 am
powered by verizon, 5g included. wireless that gets better with friends. wireless that gets better with friends. ♪ got an amazing deal on this gourmet pepper mill at marshalls. its so fancy! ♪ where does the stress go when you're driving a lincoln? maybe it winds up somewhere over the bermuda triangle. you might have your own theory. but maybe it's better to just let it go. have you tried crunching? crunching gave me resting fun face. crunching solved my tan lines and frown lines. 100% real milk chocolate and crispy rice really works. crunching solved my midlife crisis. start crunching today!
12:27 am
we make sit-down chicken... ...stand-up chicken... backyard chicken... ...oops chicken... ...lots-a-time chicken... ...no-time chicken. if there's one thing we know, it's chicken, chicken and chicken. more choices. more wow. more to love. tyson. ♪ ♪ don't be fooled by the bike. or judge him by his jacket. while ted's eyes are on the road, his heart stays home. he's got gloria, and 10 grand-babies, to prove it. but his back made weekend rides tough, so ted called on the card that's even tougher. and the medicare coverage trusted by more doctors. medicare from blue cross blue shield. by your side, no matter what. that's the benefit of blue.
12:28 am
find your local blue cross and blue shield plan at benefitofblue.com get ready - our most popular battery is even more powerful. the stronger, lasts-longer energizer max. ♪ this mcdonald's is a special place. ♪ we have been coming here since 1998. they're so cute and so nice. they're always laughing. this is a family. ♪ kenan! thishey kenan!ly. looking good. feeling good. i just found all these cars on autotrader. wow! now wait for the best part there microwave. a dealer is gonna deliver this car to our home. never leave home, never leave home! need a cleanser that does more? new and improved cetaphil cleansers are specially formulated with our dermatologist-backed blend of ingredients to reinforce your skin's moisture barrier.
12:29 am
cetaphil. complete care for your sensitive skin.
12:30 am
>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: and now it's time for music. the album is called "take the sadness out of saturday night." here with the song "91," bleachers! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪
12:31 am
♪ it's '91 a war is on i watch in black white and green my mother dances around ♪ ♪ like there ain't no rip in the seam while she waltzes with ♪ ♪ ghosts i can feel what went wrong she's here ♪ ♪ but she's not just like her i'm not home ♪ ♪ just like her i'm not home ♪ ♪ just like her i'm not home ♪ ♪ i'm here but i'm not ♪ ♪ but i'm here but i'm not ♪ ♪ storefronts change a new war on ♪ ♪ so i rip floorboards from our place black out all our windows ♪ ♪ then i kick them from their frames now you can dance ♪ ♪ with anyone tattoo yourself a [ muted ] sleeve ♪ ♪ and you're here but you're not just like you ♪ ♪ i can't leave just like you i can't leave ♪
12:32 am
♪ just like you i can't leave and i'm here ♪ ♪ when i'm not i'm here when i've been gone just a little too long now ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ someone new walks along and steals the weight from your war ♪ ♪ flickers of light and you're sure that you have been here before ♪ ♪ she could have anyone but she's asking after your dreams ♪ ♪ i know that i'm not but looking at you i can't leave ♪ ♪ just like you i can't leave ♪
12:33 am
♪ just like you i can't leave oh i know what i'm not ♪ i know what i'm not ♪ ♪ we've been gone just a little too long now ♪ ♪ say we've been gone just a little too long now ♪ ♪ and we've been gone just a little too long now ♪ ♪ maybe we've been gone just a little too long now ♪
12:34 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. i drop off and pick up my kids from school
12:35 am
so, i can't work early. or late. and i need to make enough to make it worthwhile. i can only work two days a week. and it can't interfere with my other job. i can do full-time. just not daytime. and i need benefits. good ones. and you know, it would be nice if you paid for my tuition. like all of it. ♪ ♪ ♪
12:36 am
>> jimmy: thanks to salma hayek, kumail nanjiani, yehya and bleachers too. apologies to matt damon and nicole holofcener. we ran out of time. thanks for watching all the way to the end. this is where i'm at my best. "nightline" is next. thanks again, sty cool. good night, everybody.
12:37 am
♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, brazen kidnapping. the american missionaries and their children abducted in haiti. a notorious gang controlling the streets, demandng millions in ransom. >> people are scared. there's a lot of people who are afraid to go out of their homes here because of the threat of violence. >> is a rescue possible in this broken country? plus, the golden age of hip hon returns in queens. >> tonight i'm a queen! >> the new abc drama, four women proving they still have it after 20 years. >> i think just being a woman, period, automatically makes you a queen. >> finding sisterhood and second chances.

40 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on