tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 1, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PST
>> thank you for watching. i am ama daetz. >> i'm dan ashley. we appreciate your time. huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh! aah! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, ken jeong, and maya erskine and anna konkle. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi, everyone. welcome. how are you doing? cleto. thank you very much. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. [ cheers and applause ] that's very nice, i appreciate it.
i'm curious to know, how many of you got your annual report card from spotify today? [ laughter ] you know this? spotify, if you don't know, sends you a year-end wrap up. it's a little breakdown of your listening habits for the year, which is fun, but weird. like, imagine if postmates did this. [ laughter ] you ordered out 220 times this year and ate more than 800 slices of pizza. it's a bit of an invasion. so this was my list. my top five artists for 2021.er- james taylor, the spinners, alabama shakes, huey lewis and the news and billy joel. [ cheers and applause ] four of them are also my top five artists for 1985. [ laughter ] after they sent me this list, they also scheduled me for a prostate exam. [ laughter ] it was very strange. they might as well have sent me a text saying, "you are not cool at all." in case you're wondering. [ laughter ] my biggest problem with this is, the year isn't over yet. it's the first day of december. i still have a lot of listening to do.
what if i go totally nuts on the doobie brothers this month? [ laughter ] the big news here at abc is, we have officially chosen a new bachelor. did you see the smoke signals coming out of the vatican? [ laughter ] that is why. unlike past bachelors which were created naturally, this one was actually concocted in a laboratory. [ laughter ] using dna from three previous bachelors. you can't tell me those aren't all the same guy. [ laughter ] the new bachelor is a 28-year-old former nfl player named clayton. clayton got sent home on "the bachelorette" last week. he says he's just a midwest guy from missouri that wants to find love. well. clayton, you've come to the wrong place. [ laughter ] clayton is very handsome. appears to be a nice enough person. [ cheers ] but i'll be honest, i don't trust a guy when you can see his muscles through a sweater. [ laughter ] twitter has announced that they are going to start taking down photos and videos that were posted without permission.
twitter will now ask you a series of questions when you're about to post an image to make sure it's yours to tweet. and they do it in a weird way. before you post, twitter asks "what's happening?" which is strange. i don't know how you're supposed to respond. i'm on twitter, nothing's happening, obviously. then, you attach the image, but now when you press tweet, it asks follow-up questions. "is everything in this post, including photos, suitable for public posting?" you say yes and it asks, "have you considered keeping this thought to yourself?" [ laughter ] and then, "why tweet at all? honestly. go ride a bike or something." [ laughter ] . is this what 10-year-old you saw yourself doing when you grew up? you say yes, okay, fine, but when's the last time you showered? [ laughter ] and then, if you clear all those, you're ready to post. you can still post photos of public figures, whether they like it or not. for instance, if you wanted to share this photo we made of ted cruz sitting on a hot dog?
[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that's totally still okay. and since it's okay, you should do so with the hashtag "hot dog teddy." [ laughter ] i mean, why not? hot dog teddy may be getting a new colleague in the senate, a famous one, too. dr. oz is throwing his stethoscope in the ring. i can see a lot of excitement for that. despite living in new jersey for the past two decades, oz is running as a republican in pennsylvania, where he voted this year, absentee, using his in-laws' address. he promises to be the best new jersey senator pennsylvania ever had. [ laughter ] last night, he announced his candidacy while kneeling before the all-powerful captain of the maga cheer squad, sean hannity. >> and i've taken on big pharma, i've gone to bottle with big tech, i've gone against aggro chem companies, big ones. i've got scars to prove it. i cannot be bought. >> try aqua force first-ever ointment body spray. turkish airlines cares more
about your flight safety than anybody else. i'm introducing a new way to help couples sleep better. maybe the simple solution you've been looking for to bust your body fat, lightning in a bottle. a miracle flower to fight fat. this miracle pill can burn fat fast. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you know what? you can't be bought when you've already been sold. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he's obviously been planning this awhile, because he already has ads running in pennsylvania. >> in every part of the state, pennsylvanians are struggling. >> the real age of your vagina is? 73. >> oh my god. >> difficult times. >> how many of you have penises that bend to the left? >> require strong leaders. >> i'll be the body, you be the poop, and that's our exit sign to get you out of here. >> go, go, go, go! >> yes! >> leaders like dr. oz. >> your anus looks like your
lips. >> to rebuild america. >> for the first time ever, on our show, your own giant rectum. >> dr. oz for senate. >> i'm dr. oz and i approve this message. >> paid for by americans who thought this was a joke but i guess dr. oz really is running for senate what the [ bleep ]? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. i always liked dr. oz. i don't know what his politics are. announcing on "the hannity show" doesn't seem like a great start to his campaign. i wonder if he's going to make it through the vetting process. i happen to know firsthand, this man is a serial testicle fond letter. >> jimmy: well, we both are. we need a better health care plan, you know, guillermo? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: one day we might be able to say a u.s. senator
squeezed both our nuts. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: for sure, yeah, for sure. >> jimmy: our former president is denying a story from one of . remember when everyone suspected the real reason trump didn't get tested right before the first presidential debate was because he knew he had covid? well, turns out, we were right. according to a new book by former chief of staff, mark meadows, trump tested positive for covid three days before his first debate with joe biden. meadows writes that when he informed trump he'd tested positive, trump replied, "oh [ bleep ], you gotta be [ bleep ] kidding me." which is what most of us said when he was elected president. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i do want to break down the timeline here. september 26th, 2020, trump is not feeling well and tests positive for covid. he then tests again, gets a negative result, says "well that settles it, i'm fine" and continues to hold a number of maskless ass kiss-rodeos. then, on september 29th, trump doesn't get tested before his
debate with biden because he "arrived late" to the venue. and fox news lets him go on, even though the rules were you needed to test negative. and then, three days later, he announces to the world he has covid and is airlifted to the hospital like a cow with a broken leg. [ laughter ] fox should not have let him debate. joe biden is 143-years-old. [ laughter ] the debate moderator, chris wallace, is no spring chicken. he said they were relying on the honor system. which, you're relying on the honor system with donad trump? you might as well rely on the dewey decimal system. [ laughter ] have you met donald trump? "do you promise you're negative, guy who ran a fake university?" of course typhoid hairy wanted to debate anyway. he released a statement this morning, saying "the story of me having covid prior to, or during the first debate is fake news." the book, his guy, his current friend, mark meadows, his chief of staff, wrote this book. now he's saying he's making it
up, especially hilarious. because in october when he announced the book, trump put this statement out. "mark meadows, our great chief of staff during some very exciting white house years, has written a new book entitled 'the chief's chief.' it is available for pre-order now and doing really well. 'the chief's chief' would make an incredible christmas present, and with united states supply lines totally dead, and with thousands of ships having no way of unloading because of incompetent leadership, you will have no other thing you can buy anyway. seriously, it's a fantastic book, and mark meadows and his wonderful wife, debbie, are great people. order here." two months later, mark meadows is a jerk and it's fake news. [ laughter ] and if you do the math on the covid, it means trump had it at that little soiree he threw for judge amy coney barrett. after which at least eight people who were there tested positive. i wonder who they got it from? i wonder whose tiny hand they all shook? [ laughter ] and even though trump knew he tested positive on september 26th, he called into fox news to suggest that he might have caught it on september 27th from gold star families who lost a loved one in war.
>> i figured there would be a chance that i would catch it. sometimes i'd be in groups of, for instance, gold star families. i met with gold star families. i didn't want to cancel that. they come within an inch of my face sometimesing they want to hug me, they want to kiss me. >> jimmy: right, "so i infected them with covid." what else are you going to do? [ laughter ] the only thing shocking about any of this, is that anyone is shocked by it. of course, he didn't tell the gold star families and the supreme court justice and joe biden he tested positive. this is a guy who doesn't even wear condoms with porn stars. [ laughter ] he draws on weather maps and tells you it's the real weather. enough with the shock. sadly, testing positive for covid was the only positive thing he did in four years. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but he's gone now. i don't know. it's kind of like -- i know it's enough, but it's kind of like seeing what your ex is up to since he cheated on you. [ laughter ] we've come a long way during this pandemic, and it's time now to look back at what was in the
news exactly one year ago, this week. it's time, once again, for "this week in covid history." >> this week in covid history, sneezing greetings, december 2020. >> mall owners are doing all they can to keep santa safe. >> sweet baby jesus, kris kringle is in quarantine, all thanks to the fouch who stole christmas. >> dr. anthony fauci is warping christmas celebrations may create a coronavirus surge. >> they figured out christmas is bigger than they are. better cancel it. >> really, really bad idea to cancel christmas. >> we're going to have a christmas uprising, we're going to fill our churches on christmas. >> if you dare open your gifts with your family or go to church, it's over. >> if december is inevitable, maybe we should pause before we destroy the living in the name of trying to eliminate it. >> what the [ bleep ] did he just say? >> meanwhile, it's party time at the president's residence. it's the a-list of a-holes.
like don jr. jared and ivanka. and poet laureate kid rock. >> it's an amazing four years, we're trying to do another four years, otherwise i'll see you in four years. [ coughing ] >> and everyone gets a gift to take home. alert, rudy has caught wind of something. >> i will ask that he be disciplined for that. [ fart sound ] >> rooty tooty filled the air with doody. speaking of gas bags. >> the process is flawed when your urine is more protected than your vote. >> a lot of people think all indians look alike. i think all chinese look alike. >> i signed something saying if i'm wrong, i could go to prison, did you? >> give them hell, karen brockovich. this has been "this week in covid history." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're going to take a break.
>> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. dr. ken jeong and the ladies from "pen15" are with us. but first, i have a story. a family story. this happened last week. the day before thanksgiving, wednesday, we had an appointment to get our daughter jane the covid vaccine. we haven't exactly been looking forward to this, because the last time jane got a shot, we literally had to peel her out from under a chair at the doctor's office.
she got a flu shot. so this time, we decided not to give her a heads-up. let's just get her in there and do it. the same way she was conceived, really. [ laughter ] so my wife, molly, takes jane to the park to tire her out, and one of the kids asked if they could get ice cream, which is something we were planning to do after the shot. so my wife says, "i'm sorry, we can't, jane has an appointment." and jane now immediately becomes suspicious. she says, "a doctor's appointment?" and molly's like, oh-oh, here we go. "get in the car, we'll talk about it." jane says, "am i getting a shot?" [ laughter ] and my wife, who doesn't want to cause a scene at the park says, "let's talk about it in the car." and jane says, "mom, we always tell the truth." which is not even close to true, by the way. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we are constantly lying to her and she is frequently lying to us. she thinks a stuffed elf flies back and forth from the north pole every night to our
house. but jane says, "tell the truth. am i getting a shot?" and molly says, "yes. yes you are." jane now bursts into tears and runs, just starts running for it. across the park. screaming, "i'm having a heart attack!" [ laughter ] "i'm definitely having a heart attack!" we don't know how she knows what that is. parents and kids are now gathering, wondering if a 7-year-old is having a heart attack. [ laughter ] then we get some help. jane's friend, charlie, runs after her to console her, which helps a little. it calms her down a little bit. so my wife says, "charlie, will you help me get jane in the car?" she starts leading jane to the car. takes her hand. jane realizes what's happening. she turns and says, "whose side are you on?" [ laughter ] and charlie, who's been on jane's bad side before, is like, "sorry, i'm on jane's side." we're on our own. so jane goes back to screaming, and our 4-year-old is asking, "what's a heart attack?" [ laughter ] and a by we don't know, a
strange boy about 8 years old, is looking on, he's witnessing this drama. he goes, "that's the cry of a kitchening the vaccine." [ laughter ] [ applause ] so anyway, after 20 minutes of hysterics -- i'm at the doctor's office waiting for them to get there. my wife finally gets a writhing, screaming jane into the car, where she has wisely packed a donut in anticipation of this terrible moment. that doesn't work. she didn't care at all about the doughnut. "what did i do to deserve this?" [ laughter ] and her mother says, "you are getting a shot to protect yourself and others from getting sick and dying." and jane says, "i'd rather die!" [ laughter ] she is now a full blown anti-vaxxer. [ laughter ] and of course, they go to the wrong address. they're at the wrong doctor's office. i'm waiting. and finally, they get to the doctor, i'm in the parking lot. they get out of the car, molly is like she escaped a fire. jane is begging to do her own
research. [ laughter ] billy wants to know about heart attacks. i'm standing there, like all right. we go in. i take over. jane is foughtiighting like a m mahi when you get it on the deck of a boat. the nurse explains what's going to happen, and that makes things worse. but she's trying to be nice. we finally just beg her to please stay still and get this over with. finally she does. it takes one second, it doesn't hurt. after 40 minutes of shrieking and pleading and snot all over everything, jane gets a lollipop, she gets a sticker, should she gets a stuffed animal, one of those pop-it things. i threw in some bitcoin for the hell of it. [ laughter ] and then, finally, we get back in the car. my wife is trembling. but jane is now, suddenly, in a great mood. she's like, "mom, roll the windows down and play this girl is on fire because i'm kinda on fire." [ laughter ] she's belting out the song, the windows down, all the way home
screaming "i'm vaccinated" at every car that passes by. [ laughter ] so now, she's vaccinated. we still haven't told her there's a second shot. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you know what? i may have to ask you to do that for us. you. illermo: i will do it for - >> jimmy: i'm glad she got the shot. the first case of the omicron variant in the united states was confirmed in san francisco today. which the maga world must be so excited about, san francisco. "who should we blame? the gays, the asians, pottery barn?" it's an embarrassment of riches! the world health organization is advising humans over 60 to put a hold on their holiday travel plans. right. anyone over 60 who's traveling for christmas is already at the airport lined up at the gate. [ laughter ] but they say if you are over 60, not only should you avoid travel, you should also avoid lululemon. that store is not for you anymore. [ laughter ] yesterday, we learned that lebron james of the lakers,
seems he tested positive for covid, which is bad news for the lakers. and also the last time kyrie irving gets invited to taco tuesday. [ laughter ] we don't know what variant lebron has or if he even has -- this omicron variant is so new that a lot of people haven't even heard about it. plus, its name is confusing. sounds like a pastry of some ki kind. when it comes to deadly virus variants, omicron is the new kid on the block. so we went out on the street and asked people questions about it, kind of, in a new omicron edition of "lie witness news." >> we are talking about the fact that the lakers just signed omicron. what did you think when you heard about that? >> i thought that was a good deal for th lakers. i think they're going to make a lot of progress in the future. >> who's more dangerous, on omi or lebron james? >> lebron james, we'll see how it goes. i think omicron is going to be dangerous out there.
>> do you want to congratulate the lakers for getting omicron? >> absolutely, good luck to season. >> talking about the kanye album "omicron" that dropped. what are people saying about it? >> i heard mixed reviews. a lot of people love it. >> are you liking some of the stuff off "omicron"? >> yeah, i liked a couple. >> i'll name a kanye album, you tell me if you like "omicron" better or the all been. "donda"? "late registration"? "there's no such album as omicron"? >> are you looking forward to the holidays? >> yes. >> do you have jewish friends celebrating omicron? >> eating, good food, having people over. >> wish them a happy omicron. >> happy omicron to my jewish friends in canada and the united
states. >> this year, the omicron, do you have any friends who are trying to get one? >> i've heard of people trying to get them and unable to. >> do you think they're better off waiting till after christmas, when everyone has omicron? >> personally, yes, i do believe so. but then nobody's going to want it anymore so they'll be everywhere. >> what do you do? >> slinging dough. >> sell weed. >> wonderful. we're talking about the new strain omicron. what are people saying about it? >> that it's lit. it's everywhere. >> it's real wide. >> have you tried omicron yet? >> no, not yet. >> are you looking forward to it? >> whenever it hits the u.s. >> that could be any day. how about this, let's do a commercial for the new hot weed strain omicron. action! >> omicron is dope. it will have you knocked out. >> oh, oh! >> omicron, from the makers of delta.
>> too much omicron. >> inhaleable at walgreens. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: don't smoke ask skate, kids. we have a fun show tonight. from "pen15," maya erskine and anna ckonkler here. be back with ken jeong! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by impossible foods. visit impossiblefoods.com. expecting someone else? it's the all-idays, and no matter how you jingle,
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this is your home. this is your family room slash gym. the guest bedroom slash music studio. the daybed slash dog bed. the living room slash yoga shanti slash regional office slash classroom. and this is the basement slash panic room. maybe what your family needs is a vacation home slash vacation home. find yours on the vrbo app. ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back.
tonight, from the very funny hulu show, "pen15," maya erskine and anna konkle are here. and tomorrow night, riz ahmed and nicole byer will join us, with music from norah jones. so please join us for that. our first guest is a doctor turned comedian turned judger of singers in masks, who recently added host to his resume with another musical game show, the "i can see your voice" holiday special airs december 14th on fox. please welcome ken jeong. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: ken, it's good to see you. >> good to see you, sir, thanks for having me. >> jimmy: you're a real doctor, a real one. >> yeah, i'm a real doctor. i still have my license. >> jimmy: why don't you run for senator? [ laughter ] >> i'm a game show host, i have standing. [ laughter ]
i'm sorry, celebrity doctors, if you're watching us right now, i'm just saying. if you're a celebrity doctor, just relax. just pull it back, all right? [ laughter ] just know your role. you've gotta relax. i mean, dude. >> jimmy: if if he enters the senate, that means i start my mma career, because we can do anything. [ laughter and applause relax. >> jimmy: i can see you dominating your weight class. >> i would dominate. [ laughter ] in "the skinny" fat flyweight division. i really would. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when were practicing did you see the weird dr.s or-y stuff he goes to from time to time? >> i have. i've seen some of the wildest cases -- i was in intro medicine, so i wasn't a surgeon. but one of the funniest cases i've ever -- i did my residency in new orleans, three years of post graduate training after med school. i was working in the e.r. and there was this -- i saw a case of memory loss. it was an elderly gentleman with
memory loss. it happened about 20 years ago when i was post grad. and he couldn't remember anything. and you go down these diagnostics. is this a stroke? this is a tumor? you do mri, you do all sorts of diagnostics. negative. everything was negative. cat scan, mri, all the blood work was negative, no evidence of stroke, tumor. so okay, what's going on? then his memory started coming back. and i noticed, he was like 85, accompanied by his beautiful 85-year-old wife. and i said, you know, anything precipitate this? literally the wife was fidgeting as if she did something bad. and so she goes, "well, we did have sex." [ laughter ] true story. and it turned out he had a case of transient global amnesia. it's a real thing, look it up. so medically speaking, she [ bleep ]ed his brains out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] true story.
>> jimmy: god bless them. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's a shame he didn't remember that. >> a shame he didn't remember! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what do you know about omicron? should we be back in our houses now? >> it's 10 to 14 days, i'm literally watching it. i'm watching 24/7. i just saw fauci talk about it right now. true, real talk. just, we got to wait 14 days. but we got to play defense. mitigation. masks. look, all of us, we're vaccinated. we're tested. we just got to play common sense, be kind to each other, don't be [ bleep ]. that's what we've got to do. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> literally. but what scares -- >> jimmy: but we're americans, how are we supposed to do that? [ laughter ] >> i know, we're americans, not new zealanders. but what really is scaring the scientific community is that on that spike protein and the delta variant that attaches to your body and infects you, there are two mutations.
on that spike protein for the omicron variant, there are 12 mutations. there are maybe a total of 32 mutations on that virus. so if you do computer modeling and all these logistics, i don't want to bore anybody -- there's worries it could be more transmissible. we don't know if it's going to be more virulent or more dangerous. so if anyone out there is accusing the scientific community of overreacting, you're welcome, because all we want to do is be overprepared so we don't have to -- [ cheers and applause ] you know what i mean? >> jimmy: of course, of course. >> if anyone is accusing fauci -- i love what you said about fauci last night. if anyone's accusing the medical community of overreacting, you're welcome, america. >> jimmy: i love that you know all the stuff and you're a judge on "the mask" too. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: you really have range. >> but all this is coming from the guy who thought that the rose was bjork. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you do screw up the
guests sometimes. >> the dumbest judge. i'm the smartest guy in my green room. i was alone. [ laughter ] and then now i'm the dumbest judge on "the mask." >> jimmy: i have to say, once i was watching the show and somebody -- i think maybe jenny mccarthy -- guessed it was me. and i'm like, i wouldn't do that, how dare she! [ laughter ] >> probably stole my best, probably thought it was you. >> jimmy: yes. if the singing sounds good, it's not me. that's a good clue. and now you are also -- you were the host of this show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: "i can see your voice." this is a show, and body of these shows are on all over the world, versions of this? >> yes, started in korea, i'm of korean descent. and my mom, even though my parents live in america, they have a satellite dish and they watch all korean programming. >> jimmy: they still have a satellite dish? >> they have a satellite dish. >> jimmy: wow. >> they live in 1985. [ laughter ] they have a satellite dish. and when i was offered to be a judge on "the masked singer" and
also be to be host of "i can see your voice," i don't know, i've never done those kind of shows. my mom sent me youtube clips of both shows, said you've got to do it, it will be a game changer. >> jimmy: she knew. >> she knew. and it was. and here we are. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: was she in early on, like "squid game," was she in on that? oh, i guess that was netflix. >> i did send my parents a link of "squid game." >> jimmy: what they think? >> they love it because it's in korean. [ laughter ] it's gory, violent, misogynistic, but in korean! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm sure there's pride associated there. >> there's pride in the sociopathy of it all. >> jimmy: so many things. have you seen these lines around the block of people waiting to go into the bts store? [ cheers and applause ] >> i heard -- that's amazing. >> jimmy: thousands of kids every morning. i drive in, i assume they're here for me. then no, not at all. [ laughter ] >> it's incredible, it's incredible. >> jimmy: you enjoy doing this?
>> i am, it's so much fun. because this show "i can see your voice," it's just one contestant. not competing against another person. and all these celebrities, including joel mchale, who's not really a celebrity. [ laughter ] a musical superstar. we have all these secret voices. the whole point of this musical mystery game is just to win a contestant potentially life-changing money. >> jimmy: right. >> and we have. and it is the most enjoyable thing when someone wins, especially during the pandemic. and i remember this one contestant, she would keep talking to herself. because she was going behind, we thought she was going to lose it all. she kept saying, "this is my time. this is my time. this is my time." there was not a dry eye. you want to help that person. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> change their life. >> jimmy: you get caught up. >> you get caught up and it's like, i've never -- not having done these things before, you know -- some of my favorite moments of television has come
from, unscripted, "i can see your voice." i'm excited it's back for a second season and i guarantee you'll love it. >> jimmy: it's great to see you and thanks for the pep talk. listen doctor. [ cheers and applause ] kim jeong! be back with maya and anna from "pen15." ♪ i love finding out things that other people don't want me to know. mm-hmm. [beep] i just wanted to say... ♪ find yourself in these situations and see who you are. and that's just part of the bargain. ♪ ♪ ♪ you are my fire ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: our next guests are real-life best friends who play best friends in middle school, despite the fact that they are in their mid-30s. their show is called "pen15." >> is she blind? >> um -- hi, gram, i'm maya. >> it's mrs. bryan. >> grammy, can we go to block buster? my mom was going to take us. >> no. >> sorry, grammy? >> yeah? >> you don't have to honk because it will move. >> don't tell me what to do. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "pen15" returns with new episodes starting friday on hulu. please welcome maya erskine and anna konkle. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: it's funny to see you
as adults again, you know? >> thank you very much. >> yeah, thank you. >> jimmy: how's it going? it's 13. if you had to pick one year, that's the most awkward year of your life. that's got to be it, right? >> that's why we wrote the show. >> it's the worst year of our lives, yeah. [ laughter ] it's all autobiographical, in there, everyone pick a part. >> jimmy: thank god it's the worst year of your life. if it was the best year of your life, it would be a mess from there on. >> maybe it's some people's. >> i think that, sometimes i think that's what they're portraying, but actually no one has a good time at that age, right? >> jimmy: i don't know. i think of a couple of people who, yeah, were -- really peaked at 13. [ laughter ] >> now it's down. >> jimmy: i don't want to mention them specifically. >> no, no, no. >> jimmy: you use stories from your real lives in this? >> yes, unfortunately. >> jimmy: do you know -- what's that? >> unfortunately. >> jimmy: unfortunately, yeah, right. yeah. so you sit there, you trade stories. you go, oh, that's a good one, that would be great for the show. >> yeah, yeah.
i mean, we don't always take from ourselves too. i just want to preface that. it's sometimes friends or family members. >> when they give us permission, we do ask. >> yes, of course. i think in season 2, the first part, there's a pool party and a kid, he like pulls out a snot booger and brings it back and holds it for the whole pool party. and my dad, when he was a kid, he had invited a bunch of friends over. and that had happened. he pulled out a huge goob. [ moans ] at that age, the logic, instead of going to the bathroom and proceeding your nose, he held this for three hours. [ laughter ] just hung out, you know. >> jimmy: yeah, there is no logic there. >> no, no. >> jimmy: and the world is mysterious, too. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you guys have an episode this season coming up in which you go into your parents' forbidden drawer, your mom's forbidden drawer. [ laughter ] is that something that you got from your own lives? and who specifically? [ laughter ] [ applause ]
>> jimmy: also, i think it's important to share the contents of the forbidden drawer as well. >> well, there was a drawer. and it belonged to my mom. and she told me to never open that drawer. [ laughter ] and i didn't. because i was horrified. but -- so in the show, it's sort of the imagined contents. >> right. >> jimmy: i see. >> which is disturbing when i say it like that, if you watch. >> jimmy: right. >> i didn't have a forbidden drawer that i couldn't go in, but there were a lot of massagers from eddie bauer and sharper image that i wasn't allowed to -- >> jimmy: eddie bauer. >> right? >> i don't think guys -- no, they didn't use it -- but there were a lot of -- >> they could have. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yes, they did. [ laughter ] yeah. yeah, they -- eddie bauer, i don't know if you know this, notorious pervert from history, eddie bauer. >> really? >> jimmy: i don't know, i made that up. [ laughter ] so that's good, yeah.
and then your actual mommom's o the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you directed her in a standalone episode this season? >> i did, yes. >> jimmy: which -- now, correct me if i have this wrong. your mom is kind of like, this would be funny, put mom on. then your mother really became an actress? >> yeah, like a serious actress that i was directing. i mean, she wouldn't respond to me if i called her "mom" from set. i had to call her character's name, yuki. we developed shorthand. i felt it was a little scorsese, de ni de niro. i would talk to her, not speak english. she had to cans and she was doing this. i was like, "mom, you have to make movements, sharp movements." she wasn't hearing that. so i would go -- [ speaking foreign language ] she would do it with the language. >> and you got the performance from her. >> jimmy: like a reverse "toddlers and tiaras," really. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jimmy: do you know everything about each other now?
have you mined every bit of each other's lives? >> i feel like we know pretty much every story. i'll tell a -- maya will tell a story, i'll just listen, even though i've heard it before, and be like, that's so cool. that's so interesting. >> so kind of you. so i believe -- >> it is fun to hear it again, i don't know why. but i do feel if there was any story that i had, you could finish it or i could finish it, that's my theory. >> jimmy: can you do it? >> i don't know right now. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: for instance, if you were -- >> oh my god, pressure. >> the stories are all inappropriate and wrong. okay. in seventh grade, that guy that i really liked -- i shouldn't say his name. >> no. >> who i really want to ask out. of course i ask his friend to ask him. >> right. >> at lunch. and after lunch i was like, so-and-so, what did your friend say, will he go out with me? >> ask him. he was across the room. and you saw him.
made eye contact. and he went like this. >> jimmy: oh! [ applause ] >> that's right, that's right. >> jimmy: you brought a photograph here. >> oh, god, another regret. >> jimmy: yeah. tell me what the nature of this photograph is before i show it. >> the show just has a lot of sexual firsts in it. that don't go well. and of course, not at that age. it just reminded me of something that actually happened, which was like the first hickey i ever gave. i was really afraid -- this is so weird -- that i wasn't going to make a mark. [ laughter ] and that i was going to do -- so that would be like a hickey wrong. because you're supposed to -- like you've got to make a mark. i remembe people coming to school, "yeah, look." i was afraid i was going to do this and they'd be, this girl -- anyway, i worked very hard and the results were horrifying. laughter ] >> jimmy: the results -- you're going to have to zoom in there. [ moans and applause ]
you look happy with yourself. >> that's my favorite part of the photo. it's like -- >> i don't know why i'm doing that. that's the most history tying part. >> like, did it! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm surprised there's any of him left. >> he told his mom he got hit in the neck with a baseball. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's amazing what moms will believe, isn't it? >> exactly, yeah. >> jimmy: she probably didn't believe it but went along with it. shoate is very funny. this is it, the last season of the show, huh? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you split up and never speak again? like laverne & shirley? >>no, no. >> no. >> we're forever, yeah. >> best friends, yeah. >> we just had babies, and they're on their way to being best friends. >> they are. >> we're trying to be that. >> our moms are best friends now. >> yeah, they are. >> jimmy: wow. you've joined everybody. >> we have. >> jimmy: that's remarkable. all the pieces are fitting together. >> yes. >> jimmy: the show is called "pen15." final episodes premiere friday on hulu. maya and anna, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: welcome back. if you like chicken nuggets, you are going to love the taste of impossible chicken nuggets made from plants. to prove it, we decided to conduct a taste test with guillermo and his brothers. [ cheers and applause ] hello, guillermo. hello, guillermo's brothers. >> guillermo: hello, jimmy. >> hello, jimmy! >> hello, jimmy! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: guillermo, what are your brothers' names? >> guillermo: this is guillermo. and this is also guillermo. >> jimmy: three guillermos? >> guillermo: well, you know what they say, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is true, they say that. in front of each guillermo are both the leading brand of animal nuggets and impossible chicken nuggets. our taste testers don't know which is which. that information is known only to us. okay, guillermos, everyone eat a nugget from the plate on your left, all right? there we go. all right. now, eat a nugget from the plate on your right.
what do you think? how do you like those? >> guillermo: very good. >> very good. >> and crispy. >> jimmy: what if i told you, those are meat from plants? >> guillermo: delicioso! >> delicioso! >> delicioso! >> jimmy: delicioso indeed! there you have it. three out of three guillermos and one swarthy talk show host prefers impossible chicken nuggets. delicioso! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: put impossible chicken nuggets made from plants to the test today. visit impossiblefoods.com. financial planning is finding your home away from home. ♪ and, it's designing a plan to help get you there.
wealth management is planning your path together. and, it's guiding you along the way. start a relationship with citi and earn a cash bonus when you open a new eligible account and complete required activities. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to ken jeong, maya erskine, and anna konkle. apologies to matt damon. tomorrow night, riz ahmed and nicole byer, with music from norah jones. "nightline" is next. and don't forget hot dog teddy. thanks for watching, goodnight.
♪ this is "nightline." >> tonight, challenging abortion rights. >> roe v. wade has got to go! >> the supreme court case that could end nearly five decades of precedent. >> we need care! >> what the justices said today. >> i think we all should be alarmed. >> we're on the ground with the activists we've been following for years. >> do you believe that will become reality, that roe v. wade will be overturned? >> i do believe that that will be reality. >> and inside the mississippi clinic at the heart of the case. plus dr. oz wants to go to washington. >> pennsylvania needs a conservative who will put america first. >> running for the u.s. senate as a republican who says he can fix the