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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 13, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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the late show with stephen colbert is captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump is already preparing for a senate trial. he is now clashing with the senate majority leader mitch mcconnell. trump wants a "dramatic event." mccconnell, though, is pushing back, making it clear, no, he wants to get it over with quickly. >> you are watching c-span3. happy 100th birthday. up next, president donald trump and mitch mcconnell spar over impeachment strategies. ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert."
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tonight, charity begins at court. and the cast of "star wars" answers just one question. plus, stephen welcomes mark harmon and comedian caitlin weierhauser featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! happy friday! nice to see you! beautiful! you! >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: good to see you. happy friday! hello, my friends! thank you so much.
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wooo! wooo! got that friday feeling. got that friday feeling in this room. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is tristate. trump's had another rough week on the impeachment front, but he's got something to look forward to this weekend. on saturday, he's going to the annual army-navy football game. now, this is one sporting event where trump's got a pretty good chance of not getting booed. ( laughter ) and even if he is, the booing will be highly regimented: "sir, boo, sir! permission to tell you that you suck, sir!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) soon-- soon-- soon, trump could have a whole new military team to root for, because this week, the house passed a bill to establish space force, which will be dedicated to handling threats in space. ( as trump )
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"lot of high-tech threats up there. i hear they've been making smaller and much more portable yodas." ( laughter ) even before the bill passed, trump was already boasting about space force. >> it's one of the biggest applause of anything. it's the sixth branch of the united states armed forces, the space force. >> stephen: "it's one of the biggest applause"? ( as trump ) "i'll do anything people clap for! who wants 'free beer force'? how about 'name-of-the-town-i'm-in force'?" but space isn't as lofty as it sounds, because the new space force will still be housed within the air force and be staffed by personnel within the air force who currently work on space. ( laughter ) that's right: space force's headquarters will be in... pre-existing office space!
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( cheers and applause ) now, the reason house democrats gave trump his space force is because the bill that established space force also contains their futuristic dream project: paid parental leave for federal workers. that is great. hell, yeah, that is really get. i'm not surprised trump agreed to that. ( as trump ) "makes sense. when things get parental, i always leave." but trump's not just getting cool space toys this holiday season. he's also doing some giving. this week, we learned "he paid $2 million to eight charities." that's a generous gift that came straight from the heart
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of the new york court system. because trump only gave a dime because he was ordered by a judge who found the president had illegally used funds from his supposed charity, the donald j. trump foundation. this is an exciting modern twis >> audience: booo! >> yi agree. this is an exciting modern twist on the ending to "a christmas carol." ( as scrooge ) "you, boy! down there! what day is it, boy?" ( as child ) "why, it's the day you're legally compelled to give to charity, sir! ( laughter ) i've got a subpoena for a christmas goose!" "darling boy! charming boy!" in court, donald trump admitted to shocking misuse of his charity's funds, including giving his own presidential campaign $2.8 million from a veterans fund-raiser, and spending $10,000 on a portrait of himself. ( as trump ) "it is so beautiful. it's look a mirror that doesn't know when i'm naked."
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this i like: trump's three adult kids were officers of the foundation, and as part of the settlement, eric, don jr., and ivanka were ordered to undergo mandatory training to ensure they do not engage in similar misconduct in the future. that must have been a big day for eric. ( as eric ) "guys it was so fun-- it was so fun to hang out affect at mandatory charity class! hey, let's have a class reunion right now! come back! come back! i'll give you money to stick around! isn't that-- isn't that how charity works? ( laughter ) ( cheers ) love me!" mandatory charity training, mandatory charity training,
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mandatory charity training, his children had to go to mandatory charity training. what kind of test do you have to take at the end of that course? question 1: charity is: a: voluntary giving; b: the name of the lady dad says to never tell melania about. ( laughter ) now-- i'm sorry. dijust break some news to you about his fidelity? trump didn't get to choose which charities got his court-ordered donations, and you can tell, because one of them is the united negro college fund. yes, good for them. give, give, give, an excellent charity. and we have a photocopy of trump's check to them. what's on the memo line? ( as trump ) "do i get to say it now?" >> audience: oooh! of course, there are still plenty of candidates competing to give america the greatest gift of all: a different president. and i'll tell you all about it in tonight's "doin' it donkey style." ( cheers and applause ) >> raise teachers' wages! >> stephen: tonight on
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kickin'' coverages, the current front runner is former vice president and high school principal dropping his rap song about summer reading, joe biden. this week, four unnamed biden advisers told "politico" that the candidate has been quietly telling people that if he's elected, he would serve only a single term. what a selfless, patriotic pledge. it reminds me of william henry harrison's famous slogan, "tippecanoe and i will die after 31 days in office." ( laughter ) promises made. promises kept. the advisers claim the strategy is designed to appeal to younger voters who are unexcited by biden's candidacy. well, that's like trying to convince someone to marry you because of all the great stuff they'll get in the divorce. ( laughter ) next up on goin' down to donkey town, new jersey senator and man in coach staring longingly into first class, cory booker.
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senator booker didn't qualify for the december debate, but he's been getting some help on the campaign trail from his girlfriend, movie star rosario dawson. "the new york times" shared a curious tidbit about booker and dawson's relationship. when they're not together, the new jersey senator "reads her books over the phone, and sometimes leaves the day's passage on voice mail." that's how you get a movie star girlfriend? he better hope she never finds out about audible. ( laughter ) ( applause ) according-- according-- sure, audible. why not! sure! there you go. according to the "times," they're currently working their way through "welcome to the monkey house," which is either the classic short story collection by kurt vonnegut or the latest white house tell-all. speaking of tell-alls, there's another actual insider account of the trump administration. this one is called "trump and his generals: the cost of chaos." the cost of chaos, by the way, is $15.99.
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the book is by national security expert peter bergen. he writes about a meeting in 2017 where trump saw a satellite image of the north korean peninsula, showing lights of china and south korea and the blackness of north korea in between, which trump initially mistook for an ocean. ( as trump ) "wait a second. so north korea is under the sea? i have it on good authority from a singing crab that that's a very nice place." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ so to help trump figure it out, officials brought out a map, which made trump even more confused. evidentally, when he saw that seoul was just 30 miles south of the demilitarized zone, the president asked, "why is seoul so close to the north korean border?" "i mean, look at it! it's, like, two inches away! and look at our map! somebody put hawaii in a box in the corner! but i can't have a border wall?"
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in january of 2018, trump saw a fox news segment warning u.s. citizens to steer clear of south korea. so he rushed to tell pentagon officials, "i want an evacuation of american civilians from south korea." he was warned that such an evacuation would be interpreted as a signal that the u.s. was ready to go to war and would crash the south korean stock market. trump's response? "go do it!" trump saw something on fox news, almost destroyed the korean economy and started the second korean war. for the good of the nation, please, someone, switch his tv over to the food network! ( as trump ) "american citizens must immediately evacuate flavor town so delta force can bring guy fieri to justice!" ( laughter ) speaking of other countries: finland. they just wrapped up their election, and after her landmark win on sunday, sanna mareen will become
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the world's youngest prime minister at the age of 34. unbelievable. this millennial caught a lot of buzz with her campaign slogan: ( finnish accent ) "okay, boomer." ( laughter ) i don't speak finnish, but i help that's okay. this isn't her first prominent government role, because mareen is the country's former transportation minister. and she got that role at an even younger age because of her experience in how the wheels on the bus go round and round. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight! mark harmon is here! but when we come back, the stars of "star wars" spill their secrets! stick around! mike bloomberg's never been afraid of tough fights,
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the ones that make a true difference in people's lives. and mike's won them, which is important right this minute, because if he could beat america's biggest gun lobby, helping pass background check laws and defeat nra backed politicians across this country, beat big coal, helping shut down hundreds of polluting plants and beat big tobacco, helping pass laws to save the next generation from addiction. all against big odds you can beat him. i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! jon, jon, i gotta say you're looking splendid in velvet tonight. >> jon: yes, indeed, velveteen, gotta get it. >> stephen: that looks very warm. >> jon: yeah, it's cold in here. >> stephen: yeah. even for this place it's cold right now. is everybody-- is everybody warm enough? >> jon: there it is. they said it. there it goes. >> stephen: i shouldn't have asked. okay. jon, mark harmon is here. >> jon: mark harmon. he's been around forever! >> stephen: "ncis," 17 seasons. unbelievablal. >> jon: he's great. >> stephen: unbelievable, can't wait to talk to him.
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folks, i'm so excited for next week's release of "star wars: the rise of skywalker." finally, finally, we'll get answers to all of our questions: how does the skywaker saga end? who are rey's parents? why does the ice planet hoth have a singing snowman? and did i accidentally buy a ticket for "frozen 2?" clearly, i'm not the only one who has questions. everyone here at "the late show" wishes they could ask the cast of "star wars" just one question. and tonight, we let them do just that. this is "the late show's just one question," "star wars" edition. >> what's it like to be part of the conclusion to the original "star wars" saga? >> it definitely feels like you're a moment-- you're a part of a moment of history. >> it feels very fulfilling to have contributed to this epic, epic saga. >> hey, daisy ridley, how did you learn to do rey's alien accent?
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>> do you mean this accent? the one i'm speaking in right now? >> yeah, what planet is that from? >> it's from "england." ( laughter ) >> is it near the planet jakku? >> sure, next question. >> did any of the veteran "star wars" actors give you any helpful advice? >> yeah. harrison ford actually pulled me aside and said, "don't ask me for any advice or i'll kill you." that was very helpful. >> what would you do if you had the force. >> i'd probably do this. >> hey, j.j., can you test my midichlorian level. i brought some of my blood to test to see if maybe i'm a jed i. >> please put that away. >> oscar isaac, what's it like to have an action figure of yourself? >> come on, please, don't act like you don't know.
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>> what are you talking about? >> i'm talking about the bill marko graphic designer action figure. >> where did you get that? >> run over here and do my photoshop. >> stop it! >> kick my pencils! >> not cool, man. >> i have to ask: could you maybe-- >> no i cannot get you a baby yoda. >> now further questions. >> my kid made this cardboard light saber, and i was wondering if you'd be willing to sign it. >> oh, this is so cute! they even put a button on it. >> don't touch that. >> oh! wow! yeah, okay, this is really advanced and accurate. >> yeah. we're home schooling him because of the playground incident. ( laughter ). >> hey, oscar isaac, who is your favorite "star wars" character? >> definitely spock. >> i'm pretty sure that's "star trek."
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>> excuse me. i think i know. i'm the guy moplays poo. >> it's poh. >> you know better than me, right? yeah, you play poo, okay? >> i've never seen any of the "star wars" movies. could you quickly tell me what they're about? >> sure, it all starts with negotiation over trade routes top to look into it they send two wizards into outer space. >> the wizards become best friends with a little boy, but the boy grows up to be real weird. >> so one of the wizards slices him way big glow stick and leaves him in a bunch of lava. >> but the boy had a secret wife with secret twins. >> one of the twins is adopted into a rich family and becomes a princess and the other one is a basic farmer. >> 19 years later, the farm boy runs into a robot. >> so the farm boy and his friends explode the metal planet, but then the bad guy makes another evil metal planet. so then they explode that one,
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too. >> then farm boy helps kill the bad guy because he thinks the bad guy killed his dad. >> but it turns out, the bad guy was his dad. and, also, he kisses his sister. >> and then the farm boy moves to an island without telling anyone. meanwhile are his nephew helps make another planet that shoots planets and he kills his dad. >> and a bunch of people explode that planet with the help of chewbacca. >> the farm boy sends his own ghost to the fight and disappears into a pile of robes. >> and that's "star wars." pretty stismle, really. ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you, j.j.and the cast of "star wars." "star wars: the rise of skywalker" is in theaters december 20.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show! ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as the star of "ncis," now in its 17th season on cbs. please welcome to "the late show," mark harmon! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome, welcome to the show. happy to have you here. >> thank you. happy to be here. >> stephen: i know you don't
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do a ton of talk shows. >> i don't. >> stephen: so we're so happy to have you here. any time i meet somebody who did something that you did, i want to talk about it for a second, because i'm kind of jealous. you went on "carson." >> i did. >> stephen: tell me what that was like. because i would love to have ever met the man. >> he was incredibly nice and part of the advantage for me there is i didn't know what to expect. i mean, i knew later that he could destroy you if he wanted to. >> stephen: sure, friendly tiger. >> yeah. >> stephen: what year are we talking here? >> 190 2. >> stephen: it was you. it was william howard taft. and keith richards. >> well, yeah, no-- you know, the-- he was-- he was a really nice man. and-- and i was on the show, actually, twice. i did it once, and then the second time i went back, they had a comic on there that i didn't know was going to be on
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there. and he was-- he was a comic that i really loved, and i walked out, and he was sitting in the seat here. and i was behind the curtain. i didn't know he was there. and i walked out, i just couldn't believe he was here, because i knew all his albums -- >> stephen: who was it? >> come on, you know who it was. ( laughter ). >> stephen: tell-- tell me one of his jokes. >> we're both catholic, you and me. >> stephen: yes, yes. >> and every catholic kid they know -- >> stephen: it was george carlin. >> yes, it was, sir. ( applause ) and-- and -- >> stephen: that's another thing to be jealous-- i never got to meet carlin. >> well, i had never met him either. i had worked his concerts. i had worked concertsaise kid in college. he was sitting there, and carson was where you were, and i couldn't believe it was george carlin, which carson pretended to be ignored. i knew all of his bits. >> stephen: did your parents
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know you listened to george carlin when you were younger. he was famous for "the seven dirty words you can never say on television." >> he was. >> stephen: do you know what they were? >> i do. >> stephen: we can't say them. what was the first talk show you ever did? >> first talk show, it might have been merv griffin. i'm not sure. but i did a really forgettable movie "beyond the poseidon adventure." >> stephen: yeah, sure i was invited to a talk show, and i had never been on a talk show, expistles the last guest. what i didn't know is the first guest gets to talk longer and as you go towards the end of the show your time shortens. by the time i got out there, literally, i had less than 30 seconds. probably 26 seconds. i don't know what it was. i was there. and they came back from a commercial. and the host said, "hey, weren't you a football player?" and-- and-- and peter boyle, who was also in the movie, he took the question. he was down there. and he went, "i played
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football!" so all of a sudden the cameras went over here. and all i know is i was just kind of listening to him tell a football story. and michael kaine, who was there also knew what was happening, and he jumped in. and he said, "football, whatever, i don't know whatever else he did, but he's a good young actor and people should know that about him." like eight second s. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah, that was so nice. >> stephen: what did you say? >> nothing. >> stephen: literally your first talk show. >> not one word. >> stephen: not everybody can say that. not everybody can say that. >> i'm proud of you. >> stephen: good for you. congratulations. i have-- i have-- i really wanted to get the story behind this photo right here. you're in town because you received an award from the national football foundation, which also honored you back in '73 as a student athlete at the time. >> right. >> stephen: and this is a photo of you-- is this at the ceremony? >> it is. >> stephen: this is you at the
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ceremony. that's you right there. and who's this gentleman right here? >> uh, that's my dad. >> stephen: that's my dad. and this guy-- >> the duke. >> stephen: john wayne. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, i want to get to wayne in a second. >> okay. >> stephen: can you explain this tuxedo there? ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: because, listen, you're a handsome man. you were vibrantly handsome young man. not even you can make that tuxedo work. what-- what? >> i-- i-- i it came from california. i did not know. i brought a suit. i got here, and they said, "you have to have a tux." again, 1973. there was a tux store across the street. i walked across the street. there was a dove-gray tuxedo in the front window with a frilly, puffy shirt. and that was me. that's all i can say. ( applause ). >> stephen: you look-- in this, you look like one of the rejected osmond brothers.
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what was-- what was the duke like? did you get to talk to john wayne. >> no, no. we all waited in line. we were excited to meet him. and all night, all night he called me "rebel." >> stephen: why? >> because i had a gray tuxedo on. >> stephen: he thought you were some damn hippie. >> he signed my program, "to the rebel, may the wind also be at your back, john wayne." >> stephen: do you still have it? >> i do you. >> stephen: have lived a rich life. >> no, i have a library. >> stephen: you have a long and successful acting career. did you have any mentors, people who gave you advice? >> i did. i had a lot of them. and there are many that-- michael caine stands out. and who stands out more than the other ones is karl malden who was also in the "poseidon adventure" movie i talked about before. the man who directed that chesz irwin allen and he was called the master of disaster. >> stephen: "the towering inferno." >> i didn't know anything about
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it. i was just happy to get part and i was on the set and i didn't know he was a screamer, but he was a screamer. and he-- he got in michael caine's face. and michael caine heard, like, two words and he was gone. and then i think sally was there, and gone. and slim pickens, gone. and he went through the whole line, and he got in my face and i'm a jock, and he screamed at me, and i stood there and listened to him. and he did that for three days. and then, on the third day, someone just stepped between me and-- me and-- him-- yelling at me. and that guy, i just saw him from the bark put his hand right in his chest and been look this and said, "from this moment on, if you have anything to say to the kid, you say it to me first. do you understand me?" and irwin kind of puffed up and walked away. and the guy turned around. it was karl malden. and he said, "you look like you like to learn? do you like to learn?" i said, "i like to learn."
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he said, "i like to teach. how about i'm your teacher. i'll be your teacher for 27 weeks, every day here." and that was like my master class. but he, i'm going to give you your first lesson." "okay, first lesson." "never try to be bigger than the star of the movie." i said, "okay." he said you know who the star of this movie is?" i said, "michael caine?" you? it's the ( bleep ) ship. that's what he said. >> stephen: it's the poseidon adventure. >> yeah. >> stephen: now, i got-- i gotta ask about this one now. i gotta ask about this one. this is an incredible photograph. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: what year are we're talking here? >> that's probably 1923. >> stephen: this is you and elizabeth taylor and "sweet bird of youth," the great tennessee
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williams story. >> and she was such fun. and she had-- she had a thing in her contract, she worked eight hours a day and that was it. and she'd arrive in the morning and she was in wardrobe and made up and she would get out of her car and h and she was ready to . and she had a woman that would come on the stage at eight hours, and she would go like this, and wherever we were, she would stand up and go, "good night," and be gone. and we'd work for another six hours. and i ended up doing all my close-ups that first week with a stand-in, which is hard because, it's a nice person but it's not an actor, right. so i was having a hard time. and i went to the producers and said, "i have a problem here." they said, what, do you want us to do about it? it's in her contract." it was monday and we're out on location in aldadina, and for some reason that day she's been there longer than two hours and everybody knew it. we're in a practical location
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help she's sitting in a couch, i'm standing right behind her, i'm on my mark. people are moving lights, and she's just sitting there like this and noise and people, production, and all of a sudden in a voice about this loud, she says, "all i have to say"-- and everybody stops. everybody stops. and she waits until it's dead silent. and she said, "is, today, i have been here two hours longer than i am supposed to have been." i'm standing behind her, and i go, "hey, elizabeth, all i gotta say is welcome to the ( bleep ) club." un? ( laughter ) and she-- she turned on me like that with those blue eyes, like that. and she went, "oooh!" and i said, "no, i'm not pitching you any grief at all, i'm really not. but here's the deal, guhome and we work another eight hours and we're never going to get this done." and she turned around and she just sat there very still. 20 minutes, sat there.
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they'd come out, and they'd go, "we're ready." she goes, "good night," and she got up and left. so i'm looking to get fired, right, right? >> stephen: sure. >> next day, and from that point on to the rest of that picture, she's there every moment of that film to do everything there is to do. and at the wrap party, which she had at her house with butterfield 8 oscar and who's afraid of virginia wolf standing on that mantel, she wants to meet you at the at the door. and as you leave she has a present for you, stephen and she wants you to open it, a silver frame, cast and crew picture, thank you very much, elizabeth taylor. and she gives me a box, a 1959 hamilton select rick watch, solid gold, on the back it says, "h.h., two hours, ticktock, love you, too." ( applause ) >> stephen: put that next to the wayne. put that next to the wayne.
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you can open a museum. there's your retirement right there. we have to take a little bit of a break, but deent go away. when we come back, we will talk about season 17 of "ncis" with mark harmon. we'll be right back. ♪ well if inspiration's what you're searching for... ♪ ♪ follow me to a place i know with endless possibilities ♪ ♪ so you can check your list off row-by-row. ♪ ♪ i'm making this song up as i go! ♪ ♪ come on! look around! ♪ so much in store, you'll spend much less ♪ ♪ but gift much more at the stores ♪ ♪ that you've been searching for! ♪ spend less, gift better. at t.j. maxx, marshalls, and homegoods. ah, that worked well! at t.j. maxx, marshalls, and♪homegoods. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ blow a kiss into the sun ♪ we need someone to lean on ♪ blow a kiss into the sun ♪ all we need is somebody to lean on ♪ ♪ ♪ sweden's greetings. enjoy your first payment on us when you lease a new volvo. now through january 2nd. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're here-- we're here with
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"ncis'" mark harmon. we're approaching the finale of the fall season of "ncis," 17th season, of "ncis." the-- it's the fall finale, right? >> it's just the christmas show, really. >> stephen: this is the christmas show? >> we still do 24. >> stephen: so tuesday is the christmas show for "ncis," 17th season. we're about to-- we've got a clip here. what are we seeing? >> it's the return of ziva david, and she's come back to do one unfinished business kind of thing, and this is her and i-- she's doing a little too much and gives my character-- my character is trying to keep control of her, which she doesn't take very well. so i think that's the scene you've got gli hope so. i hope so. jim.
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>> gibbs. what happened? are you okay? >> are you? >> the number i gave you, it was for emergencies only. >> yeah, i figured there had to be one. it's the only way you would have pulled in one of my agents behind my back >> what? >> been called me, said she did some kind of underground pickup for you. >> i do not know anything about this. i swear to you on my life. >> then what the hell is going on? ( applause ). >> stephen: the most-- i want to say, the most popular drama in the world. tuesday nights, on cbs, please, don't ever stop doing it. because my lead-in from that show is delicious, mark harmon. thank you so much. after-- after-- you're in the middle of the 17'ing year.
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after 16 seasons, halfway through 17, do you have a favorite moment, a favorite memory of doing this? nobody does a show that long. >> the other night, we were out in hollywood, working late, 95% of the cast was working, and we all got together and went to dinner. i mean -- >> stephen: that's nice. >> that doesn't happen. so you've got a bunch of people there who love their job and there's a responsibility in that, there has been over a number of years. you work with these people every day, and it only works when people want to be there. and i'm proud of being there for 17 years, certainly. but i'm more proud of the crew, and that someone's been able to buy the fishing boat they always wanted or maybe even the little small condo in hawaii. >> stephen: sure, yeah. mark, thanks so much for being here. lovely to meet you. ncis" airs tuesday nights at 8:00 right here on cbs. mark harmon, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) i'm tom steyer and i approve this message.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back.
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my next guest is a stand-up comedian making their network television debut. please welcome, caitlin weierhauser! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> what's up, new york! and the world! wooo! wooo! wooo! we need better gun rules! wooo! ( applause ) a lot, like, a really lot. i've known this since i wassitiy-bitty. i grew up out in the woods in oregon. away from civilization. it was weird, yeah. i believed in my heart and body and soul that ewaks lived in the forest behind my house. yeah, from the time i was little and also for way too long, yeah. ( laughter ) second thing, is that i got a
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gun before a bicycle. okay. yeah, we need better rules. also, because the first thing i tried to do with my gun was hunt an ewok. oh! they're not critters. you know that, right? no, they have a language, and a culture. they're a people! they're a people. yeah. and i'm going to murder one, okay. barbecue it probably. we need better rules. i was raised just by my dad, which probably explains... you know. ( laughter ) all right. explains why i turned out perfect, i think? ( laughter ) yeah. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. thank you. i know that's not why i'm butch. i know my dad didn't make me butch. i found out recently why i think
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i am like this. it's because i found out recently that i was the first girl born in my-- and "girl" is a strong term. let's stop there. i feel like i'm, like, part time, like tuesdays and thursdays. you know what i mean? yeah. i found out i was the first girl born in my family in five generations, right? and the second i learned that, i was like, "oh, that makes a ton of sense, yeah, yeah. oh, yeah, there it is. i definitely feel leak a first draft. you know what i mean? ( laughter ) yeah. thank you. ( applause ) i feel like five generations of dads just got together and they were like, "ah, all right! i guess we can make the other kind. make her sturdy, fur sure. let's do that, yeah. look like she can chop wood. do that. make her good at sports?
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no? all right, how about theater? how about that? let's make her look like home depot needs a bounce perp i have been trying to live my best life. i have been trying to do the most, be the most. update my gender every season. anyone else? anyone? anyone else? get on my level! do you understand me? choose your own adventure! be who you are! the world is your ashtray. i think i finally found my. i think i finally settled on p.e. teacher. yeah. yeah. i think i nailed it. ( laughter ) it feels right. do you feel it? do you see it? do you hear it? "johnson, hustle!" ( applause ) i know! yeah! i will say, also, as a proud butch american, that there are some privileges that go along with the job. like, i get fun conversation
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starters. let's call them that. i get yelled this at least three times a day-- sir-ma'am-lady-daddy! ah... ( laughter ) miss. ( laughter ) coach? yup. yeah. ( applause ) you can go ahead and walk that one off, yeah. you can take a lap. that is fun. there is one i will admit i get they don't like, is my least favorite. i wish it would stop. sing along if you know the words. it's this "this is the ladies' room!" it's rude. startling. i'm in line to go pee-pee.
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knock it off. also, screw you, amber! bee came in here together! you know what, i'm going to take your purse and you can earn it back when you learn to mind your manners. thank you all so much. you've been won you work hard. you play hard.
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♪ blow a kiss into the sun ♪ all we need is somebody to lean on ♪ ♪ ♪ sweden's greetings. enjoy your first payment on us when you lease a new volvo. now through january 2nd. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in next week when i'll be joined by jamie foxx, charlize theron, and jennifer hudson. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by
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media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show ( cheers and applause ) >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from katherine heigl's budoir, giveup

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