i'm sure he is not because the ♪ ♪ >> stephen colbert reports the colbert book club. tonight's selection. >> a farewell to arms by earnest hemingway. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome, everybody. thank you for joining me. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> audience: stephen! [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here tonight. in here, out there, joining me for the and historic third edition of the colbert book club. i started as a tribute to and copy write infringement pop my deer friend oprah winfrey. as everyone knows oprah gives me things. sweaters, avocados, or cease and desist letters. previous installments of the colbert book club include "the great gatsby" and anything but "catcher and the rye." they're wonderful shows filled with thoughtful literary analysis. none of which i can remember because i was [beep] on chardonnay. tonight, tonight is a special night. a night that is cold, and dark, and hard, and filled with regret. a night that we discuss a writer named

here to tell me is chaplain of the colbert nation private jim martin. [crowd cheering] [applause] all right. now sir, jim. you're the go-to guy because you're out with a new book here a big heart open to god conversation with the pope francis. this is him talking the jesuit magazine over there in rome. your idea to have a conversation you got the forward let's talk about this guy. >> there's no greater catholic than yours truly but what's the pope's angle on this one. why is he gunning for the big money people. jesus tells us to care for the poor and the pope says i care for both the poor and rich alike but he has a responsibility to tell everyone the rich need to care and respect the poor. >> stephen: he'poor. >> he's not attacking the poor. he's got to attack them both. that's his gospel. [applause] do unto others, do unto others as you would do unto all of them. >> i've been reading a different translation. >> stephen: okay. but the rich guys feel attacked by the pope because what are we supposed to do to do the right thing. i got a lot of cash. what

oh, that's right, i gave them all the colbert bump. i'm a star maker, baby, i'm a grammy factory, this is where it comes from. but nation, as proud as i am of all these friends of the show i am most proud of my best friend of the show, me. within for best spoken word album, stephen colbert. carol burnett, david sedaris, billy crystal, pete seeger. >> i even know some of these people, come on. >> all right, and the grammy goes to stephen colbert! >> whooo! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> i won a grammy for best spoken word. stephen, stephen, stephen! >> you understand what it's like to win, win the grammy for best spoken word, that is like the nobel prize of audio book. (laughter) and winning a grammy for just speaking is not easy. that's like big the winning contestant on so you think you can walk. now obviously, obviously winning best spoken word means i'm the world's greatest word speaker. i mean look how i say it, watch this, listen up, ameliorate, yolo, all words and i just nailed them. i'm so good at speaking words, i'm so good at s

as you can tell from the colbert nation march is on the victory again tonight. folks it is night two of my coverage what for legal reasons i'm calling su superb all 48. the same way i cover hockey's championship, the stand lee cup. [laughter] folks we all know football's america's sport but my beloved gridiron is under attack. >> roger goodell said the legal is considering a proposal that would eliminate points. >> why are we debating the merits of the extra points. >> an example of the nfl can't helping themselves. they've got to change every f-ing year. >> stephen: yes, every f-ing year. first they changed the field goal from 4 points to 3 points in 1909. and now this. when will it end. [laughter] folks it's not just the extra points. there's talk the kick off will eventually be eliminated. come on, how can you, i agree, how can you even call it if nobody touches the ball with their foot. [applause] that is right. that's the subway calling their sandwich a foot long if they didn't use their feet to make it. and most importantly, place kicker was the last nfl p

this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. good to see you be everybody, good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, steveen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us. in here, out there, all around the world, stuff. you watch the show. i certainly hope that you do. because you one thing i said over and over again is that i love west virginia. it is my favorite of the directional virginias. step it up, eastern south. that's right, folks. i was so concerned when the liberal media made a big stink out of a merely large stink. jim? >> some 300,000 people in west virginia are facing now a fifth day without tap water after a chemical spill contaminated their water supply. >> the only appropriate use is toilet flushing. so flushing your commode would be appropriate but don't make baby formula with it, don't

for more on the e-mails we turn to the colbert report's senior cnn anchor jake tapper, jake. >> there is one sent a few weeks before the lane closeure from bridgette anne kelly, a deputy chief of staff for governor christie to david wildstein the political appointee at the port authority in charge of the bridges, bridget anne kelly says time for some traffic problems in fort lee. and david wildstein responds, got it. the mayor of fort lee reached out to wildstein saying help, please, it is maddening, unquote. wildstein forwarded the plea to someone whose name has been redacted in these e-mails, in fact. is it wrong that i am smiling, the person asked. no, wildstein replied. >> stephen: no, it's not wrong to be smiling, it's wrong to have saved the text about you smiling. (laughter) >> stephen: well, nation, this morning in a triumphant 108 minute someone else-a-culpa, christie faced these allegations head on with a press conference that jamd the airways with a 32 denial pileup. >> i was blindsided yesterday morning. i was done with my workout yesterday morning-- (laughter) >> and i go

as a guest on colbert reports. >> that is terrifying. that looks like -- that is not only arabic, it looks like arabic on fire. it looks like exploding arabic. why shouldn't i be afraid? >> do you know what rance? >> it says the bombing starts at midnight. what does it mean? >> no! it means peninsula. >> how do you keep people from being afraid of this no. >> i can't keep people from being afraid of this and i can't convince people of that. all i can do is say watch what we do and i think if they see what we do on the air and see the stories that we cover, i think they'll understand that we're doing serious news. >> well, john, i think -- [ cheers and applause ] >> i think john held his own there. you can catch john siegenthaler here on aljazeera america week anies at 8:00 and 11:00 eastern time. >> here are some of the stories we are following for you at this hour, that record setting freeze continues to chill 190 million americans, but warmer weather on its way started to raise temperatures across the country. senate democrats were abl

how many colbert nations? you're the face of an x-box game called "playoff face-off." what is "playoff face-off"? >> it allows you to be more interactive than you ever have before. it allows you to watch the game yous you want to watch, track your fantasy stats and predict the games in the play-off, including the super bowl with a chance to win tickets to next year's super bowl. >> stephen: how hard can you play this game? ( laughter ). >> for-- for-- you know how long you practiced to be a quarterback earlier? >> stephen: yeah. >> that long? >> really. >> stephen: almost 45 minute. >> almost 45 minutes. >> stephen: drew, thank you so much for joining us. new orleans saints quarterback drew brees, we'll be right back ( 7 rjrj,x,x ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well that's it for the report, everybody. see you on captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> this happened on animal planet.com today, are you ready for some fuzzballs! (laughter) that's right, guys, there sunday is upcoming puppy bowl 10 marks the b

. >> reporter: from the start stephen colbert rpulls no punches. honing in on what many americans have long associated with the al jazeera brand. >> al jazeera america is part of the al jazeera media network -- >> which is part of the al-qaeda media network. [ laughter ] >> but john siegenthaler made the case for any newest kid. we can bust some myths here. al jazeera is one of the largest news organizations around the world. we have 12 bureaus in the united states. >> lead story tonight? >> syria. >> okay. miley cyrus has bleached her eyebrows john. [ laughter ] >> what is your angle? is it liberal or fair and balanced? >> we just cover the news. >> reporter: in the end of the roast, a serious question and a serious answer. >> how do you keep people from being afraid of this? >> all i can say is watch what we do, and i think if they see what we do on the air and the stories we cover, i think they'll understand we are doing serious news. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, john, i think -- >> reporter: thomas drayton, al jazeera. >> and you can see th

this is colbert platinum. (cheers and applause) a quick reminder, folks, this segment is for platinum members only. so if your coffeemaker is a machine instead of a small countertop columbian man, why don't you run along and get another that toof a warner brother's character. foghorn leghorn really sticks it to the man. are at the gone? >> goorkd okay. first up, folks, we platinum parents love our children just as much as the dirt eaters out there. and we know how important it to prepare them for the platinum lifestyle early. that's why a company called kalfin juliry has created a 50,000 dollar diamond encrusted pass fire. finally a product that combines two things i love, a quiet baby and exploiting the congo. and this just keeps on giving, folks. because remember once your child's teeth come in, you can have a pacifier made into a toddler grill. (laughter) of course, a diamond pacifier is great but the truly wealthy start their baby's premium training in utero. i mean nine months in one place. that's not how

i'm sure he is not because the ♪ ♪ >> stephen colbert reports the colbert book club. tonight's selection. >> a farewell to arms by earnest hemingway. [cheers and applause]

stephen t colbert, dfa. (cheers and applause) as always, folks, team death is brought to you by prescott pharmaceuticals, prescott, look for us in your your spam folder. tonight on cheating death, first up, medical miniatur miniaturization. for years now scientists have theorized the future of medicine lies in nanotechnology. using microscopic robots to fight illnesses and disease, recently researchers made a major miniaturization breakthrough in their ability to control these, the first cyborg sperm remote controls using magnets. scientists were able to accomplish this by getting individual sperm to enter tiny magnetized nanotubes. now the obvious downside of magnetized sferm is the danger of watching perform and accidentally erasing your-- but there are some benefits, for example, these little cybersperm could be used to help fertilize an egg or deliver drugs to very specific parts of the body. for instance, it could deliver anxiety medication right to your brain which you will need after learning that the

. >> john seigenthaler shared laughs with steven colbert as a dress on "comedy central', "colbert report." that is terrifying, it's arabic, it looks like arabic on fire, exploding arabic. why shouldn't by be afraid of al jazeera. >> do you know what it means? >> it says the bombing starts at midnight. what does it mean? >> no, it means peninsula. >> how do you keep people being afraid of this? >> i can't keep people from being afraid of this. i can't convince people of that. all i can do is say watch what we do. i don't think if they see what we do on the air and the stories we cover, i think they'll understand that we are doing serious news. [ cheering ] [ cheering and applause ] >> perfectly stated. that is what we do. you can catch john seigenthaler on al jazeera america every week night at 8:00. remember news at the top of every hour. thanks for watching. >> hi, i'm lisa fletcher and you're in "the stream." sex, scandals and politics. 15 years after bill clinton's impeachment trial, are americans more willing to give cheating polices a second chance? our producer, raj is here. and lo

both jon stewart and stephen colbert, the colbert report, used "the five" as part of their mon logs, as part of the -- a couple of their blocks. we want to welcome jon stewart, stephen colbert to "the five band wagon. anyone else want to join on? plenty of room for you, too. >> absolutely. >> there will be a response. >> they talk about us a lot. uh -- all right. greg? >> speaking of, yesterday, on "the daily show." dana isn't here. i think i'll do a monologue tomorrow. she's on jury duty. samantha b., an amazing performer on "the daily show" did an unbelievable interpretation of "the five." let's show a little piece. there you go. >> a slice. >> in 2011, fox news premiered a novel new show, "the five." it was a panel show at 5:00 with five pundits whose opinions ranged from wall street conservative to 50-year-old frat boy conservative to george w. bush conservative to conservative to fox liberal. >> so basically, he's addressing or political ideology as if "the daily show" is a shing example of diversity. you have to stick around for tomorrow. i thought it was amazing. >> it was hil

and the folks at the colbert report, now back to the real newsment coming up at 11:00. what a new jersey legislator wants to happen after the allegations involving new jersey governor chris christie. plus as good as the real thing, how one surgery performed in the u.s. is no more effective than a fake surgery. and today's top headlines in just a moment. ... welcome to al jazeera america. i am john seigenthaler in new york. u.s. military is investigating another helicopter crash. at least two navy crew members were killed in a crash today off of the virginia coast. yesterday, an air force helicopter crashed in britain killing four service members. the christie controversy. governor chris christie said there were several days of traffic jams on to the george washington bridge. critics say the governor's office was retaliating against a democratic mayor who refused to support christie. >> in utah, 1400 same-sex couples are in a state of legal confusion. state officials say they will no longerec

." [ laughter ] i want to say congratulations to stephen colbert. he does a great show over there. [ cheers and applause ] i mean, i accepted for him. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: i accepted for him. >> steve: that's what it was. >> jimmy: he couldn't make it so i accepted for him. >> steve: via twitter. >> jimmy: via twitter, yeah. the future's here, everybody. well, we use twitter on our show every week. so, if you watch our show and you want to play along, we do this thing every week, where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to tweet out things based on that topic. so i went on twitter, i started a hashtag called, "my weird waiter." and i asked you guys to tweet a funny or weird story about a waiter or waitress you've had. we sent in one tweet. out to dinner the other night, and the guy said, "do you want your meal now or in 30 to 45 minutes?" [ laughter ] anyways -- now. we want it now. we got thousands of tweets. in fact, within a half hour it was a trending topic in the united states. so thank you for those tweets! [ cheers and applause ] s

jon stewart and stephen colbert, the colbert report used "the five" as part of their monologues, a couple of their blocks. we want to welcome jon stewart, stephen colbert to "the five" bangwagon along with howard stern. anyone else want to join on? plenty of room for you, too. >> absolutely. >> there will be a response. they talk about us a lot. >> yeah. >> all right, greg. >> speaking of yesterday on the daily show, dana isn't here, so we're going to do -- i think we'll do a monologue tomorrow because she should be here. she's on jury duty, so she can't enjoy this. samantha b., an amazing performer on the daily show, did an unbelievable interpretation of "the five." since dana is not here, lets just show a little piece of it, and there you go. >> in 2011, fox news premiered a novel new show, "the five." it was a panel show at 5:00 with five pundits whose opinions ranged from wall street conservative to 50-year-old frat boy conservative to george w. bush conservative to conservative to fox liberal. >> so basically, he's addressing our political ideologies as if the daily show has -- is a

this is the colbert report. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you so much. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, you are watching the cole bert report and i certainly hope that you are. you know that i love ranking things in lists. in fact, i say lists ranking ranks as my number four passion. right after two fingers of bourbon and three fingers of bourbon. now of course among rankophiles the cream de la cream de la crop is the american customer satisfaction index which ranks customer satisfaction among 190 major brands. is the most trusted ranking of corporate likability next to people magazine's sexiest corporation alive. (laughter) wouldn't mind sprinkling some brown sugar on that. now according to the acsi this year's top customer satisfier was mercedes-benz, the cadillac of cars. so congratulations on the extra effort, mercedes, which of course

this is the colbert report. captioning sponsored by comedy central