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mee fi | 
LOVE 4 
| HEWITT | 


HER 
SEXIEST 














GREATEST 
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FLICKS OF | 
ALL TIME! - 
Raging Robots! 


Sci-Fi Babes! MAY 2009 
Hobbits in Love! 
















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Jennifer Love H one 
three-time Maxim Gover | 
cutie dishes on bubble bath attire * 
and communicating with the | | 
de a We'r > guessing youre way 
more interested in the tomnem | 
64 | Icon: Hiidthjackman r 


Wollwerilt? himselfspills his gutsabout 
opening wounds on set and thejoy of 
Speedos. Bw Piatt EATON 


66 The Ultimate Geek Movie Gilde 
Our seswnd annual movie issuécelebrates 
all that is sci-h, superhero, fant@sy, and 
undeniably dorktastic. Wesettié your most 
embaftassing disputes about the coolest 

eapons, scariest Villams,and.mostdis- 
turbing man“on:hlien relationships! 





74 Summer Mpuwie Cheat Shaat 
Which blockbusters will blow and which 
will own the box office this summer? 
We've got the inside dope, and we're 
telling the whole damn worldt 








56 | ..andt the Gaek Shall Inherit : the Earth 
Producer-director ]]. Abrams, the genius 
behind test, Clivenfield, and Muy, tackles 
that most sacred of sci-h cowsStarTna— | 
with his big-budget reboot. 
BvIOGANHILLI, 


80 - Sex, Bilis & Heliddy Roads 
The strange, uncensored, and sometimes 
illegal behamdl-the-Scenes story of the 
funniest road trip movie ever: National 
Lampoorl's Vacation. By IARC Sim'lZ 


Life in the Fast Lane 

Jordana Brewster, the babe behind the 
wheel in Fast & Furious, has her sights set 
on being a Bond girl. Spoiler alert! 

By NIERLGUNies FENG 


\ MAY 2000 = MAXIM 5 





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12 Letters 
From ou2009 SexSurvey fallout to strip 
club love, envelope lickimg nevertasted 


so good! 
20 Incoming 


Preanytthimg you need to make your life 
better, including howtosunvive chimp 
attack, work out like a stuntman, and 
get drunk on bakcon! Plus: We test-drive 
the new Aston Martin supercar, describe 
the ’80s toy movies you want tosee, and 
examine why Japlilmese girls are dress- 
ing up as French maids. We apologize 
in advance for blowing your minds! 


S MAXIM * MAY2009 








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Stuff 

Finally, an electric car that you won't be 
ashamed to drive. Honest! But we've 
got mountain bikes, too, justin case. 


Columns 

Multiplex-dhwelliimesex addicts reenact 
film's steamiest scemes,,and we school 
youlon the Art of theMovie Pitch. 


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The Decider 


Admit it, you secretly want to be Ryan 
Seacrest. That's why May's question is: 
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Letters 











Always moisturizes 
with the blinds drawn. 





dreams, and “Frier dy’ = ttip clubs! 


Tat's Not Impressive 

What can Isay other than I loved your March 
cover. I've been obsessed with Eliza Dushku 
since Buffy the Vampire Sayer and herIIV series 
Tru Calling. Acoonding to your interview, she 
likes tough guys. Well, if she’s reading this, I 
have & lot ofscars and three tattoos! 


Joe Langowski Sparks, NV 


a TRUE C©® WRESSIONS 








12 MAXIM © MAY2009 





Make ws feel lowed: 


: ledtomyscorswod Alin, Simom,and 
TheadiaR: siched jus abow yoor hurt don't ¢olltit! 


Dare to Ditam 
I'm inlawschool atthe University of San Diego, 
and being in Maxim is legitimately one of my 
top five goals in life. [think it trumps getting 
hired by 4 huge firm or makingpphitimer. | was 
wondering ifyou guys are ever planning to do 
a ordd student spread? Forthe record, thereare 
a handful of really good-looking lawyers at 
USiDwlho share my sentiment. 

Megan Riley Lopez via e-mail 
Hey, with thisletteryou'vejust attained ane goal! Still 
on the list: slatheriay poli Seif in mayonnaitSt bi/fate 
a firval, Working part-tinw asa cat whispeter, publish- 
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What the hell. guys! I want more pictures of 
(mixed martial arts hottie] Gind Garamo! | 
would let her ground-and-pound my crotch 
aly day ofthe week, 
Rudy Lugo |.a Puente, CA 

Coreful, Rudy—aftéf thé first “submission hold"joke 
wwe made during our infdrVirw, Catano put us in a 
rear meked chats. Which was kind offlika getting 
ahug, except that it was incradiblypdinful, 


Ru Matches Schapes 

Maxim, thatik you, My third date with my girl- 
friend was a ski weekend, which imcduded 
taking the 2009 Sex Survey together on the 
floor in front of a romantic fireplace at a kick- 
ass B&B. Luckyforus, wedid eventually end up 
skiing and can unashamedly tell our friends 
that evernymusce hurts, Though alittle advice 


Survey Says 


Actual responses (from actual women!) to Maxims 20C 


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or hated! Drop us a line at letters/@Maxim.com 





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on explaining the rug bums to friends would 
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Tell them you were stuck in an avalanchl and had 
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l have to disagree with part of your otherwise 
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chuth” Because I don’t workthere! 

A Woman Who Likes Strip Clubs 

New Ofleans, LA 
It you iit trying to get us excited with your frisky 
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[ENTERS FROM OUR MOMS 





a 


| loved your suggestions in 
*Maxim Saves Sports" (March), 
especially giving stadiums 
back tothe fans and imposing 
an asshole tax. I'm glad you 
didn't pan my Pittsburgh 
Steelers, but weall know they 


are Supemmien. Also, Cheech and Chong [leon, 
March] were hot when 1 was in college. Their 
jokes still crack me up. 

Mom 
The mother of photo tesearch editor Weslie Simmons 
lifted Dur staff's spirits with this life-affinmilifg note. 
Looks tik# you camput away that noose, Leslie! 






19 Sex Survey. 


‘Anything involving 
a Countertop. 


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RETURN OF THE MAXIM MOVIE ISSUE! 


Our second annual issue dedicated to 
all cool things cinematic celebrates geek 
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Visit Maximicom for more insider action. 


® HOTTIE HEAVEN 


The annual Hometown Hotties com- 
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MExumecom needs your help. Cast your 
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From Nick Fury in Jron Man to Bob Hauk 
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The Hot 100 is almost here, but who 
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Left Behind 

A junior hieh student 
meets his father at the bi 
Sios-aiter sctioct. 

Hettells His dad that 
while he was showering 
aftier gym, he nated that 
his dick was alot biggie 
than the restof the toys. 

Héatks hisdad if Its 
hecause he's! 

Nit! ‘We tail ¢ replles. 


It'Shbatause? youre 19 


Sex fal 


tne 


otatue of Limitations 
tin met 


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= wer when she hears het 


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1 8 MAXIM = 


MAY 2009 


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"Hui Wit she cays, 


Sid lin the warner,” 


a spd and one ca 


— 
| 
: a | " = . J 2 
| ! 7 jar. Sa 
4 * | he ." = Li =it J 
; Le il, ee +e 
a | p . a/i { nly 


aya ner 


Slhenubs balby oll en hin 


anddusts him with talcum 


powder. “Pretend youre a 
statuell she says 

“What's thiz?" thie hils- 
bah6a men Si ie Poets 

OM, Laue!” 
replies he {a ohn ris 
one alad | likect i 

idiot one for us, 100." 


1(j «fl 
i lee 1 | 


ATT ALM. the TINS 
wane 5 up (Orne 
"aed | ie | i a | is wv ttt 

: Vict and a bee 
ts. | 
iy i | 00c 


| BEA THIS CAPTION 


rraAaAar 


nin 
s them Two 





lice that for two daysat 
the Johnsons’ and notiody 
offered mea damn thing.” 


Death Wish 
As servitessue letiine 
out of ac:atholicdiurch, 
a young boy is hitbya 
speeding Cat 
The Griver jumps oo 
in hosrer. Afraid the bey 
cllief, Ihe as : . Nim, "Y@J 
Want me toRett 
The Bay Kali his Ges: 
NOS up at theman, and 


_) Dall & 
Crna 


ne priest?” 























O: Wiiatrs the 
diferetcs be 
tweln Béer Nuts 
and Deer Niiix’ 


A: Beer Nils are 
about $}.29 aan 
Deer Nilis fie 
unde? a buck 


@: How do you 
reuse 3 <order’ 
A: Tum it (mide 


Gut and shake the 


funcck out of iit 


QO: Win) cect itiine 
stikken Noss the 
basksthall count’ 
A: He heatd 
the rctorcu was 
blowing fowls 


Lewd Librarian 


i) > Fo 
ml Dire) -. Nu LR ; 
| IOUTrETVE S SYNGIOTE 
Ine libtealan Gay run 
aes La =" 
ff, shitbag 
he | i 1 
1 eh al 
! it >| | Ke 
nz Ln lie 


This jake Alwiiiy¥s 
Bombs == 

Enock, lanock 

wie een here; 

ONT 

Pll wha? 

You said you'd hes 
1oopet! 


Lowering the Bar 
and a woonan n 
ther sittiria alone é at 
enasar atau The 


Vou r F] é all 


Fu es | once 
each o 
Dra vis 
CNS ie | 
Wane Save 

' 
a y a jurselt 
a Ba a7 e ch ms, | " : a uJ ay fl 
E i Cie a cal Le a}! se% J ae a hi 
ny wile leit meliecieuse 
i i te vy WeQur i V* 
i | | } il a | ei i ¥ 7 ea. 
1 inhecare Le lal r 
Ne Worn | &| Wes. | ¥ 
= 7 Po ee 
DOYIMeDdGiLIMNped Me Tur 
thesamedceraas: Whey tan 
Lae au 4S, 1‘! /  @ a 





Spring break on ‘ 
the Gaza Strip aways) 
ended in tears, 






i ny n Ww “I 
a at) T 


i ag fajera i 




















mmieewtiat hace kk 
4 =) 
hey go back to her 
aaa dete) =p 4 ——* ie 
aa Ant! arabe the 
i MES OUIOT hei 
nie i n mc Are 
At l i voll wll iF 
4 ees Mask mal NOK 


a wii, but Tf ie gui 
halfway hltitike done 
‘Hey, | thougitt we 
BOI {OQ have some 
iT ik Ta ok che Say 
ei knliy Salys. "Well. 
fue Gur cat and shat 
in yOustpuurse. Thamlks fer 
the lovely evening!” 


Wit] eC 


Par666 
Two guys are playing 
eolil.and they'nedn the 
14th hole whena funeral 
iin passeslby. In 
rmitsiviog the first puy 
takesoff hisshhat as a 
Siar OF PES, Heer. 

His triend says, “Tthatts 


a se 8 B a2, pagal oy gag 
rhe THOSST Thies vee evel 


DINGS 


i ¥E 


- The first man put his 
hat fact on ama: om a5, 
“Well . we were tian 


i do. 














‘= ® hae 
| = 2 a 


TO ENTER 

1. Sa you think this 
Galbition b aia Try ‘to 

maicn its sublime rity 

at Meximcbstifcontest 5 

For complete rules, visit 

Maxim Conn. 

2. Once we detenmine 
iat st Mitied our 
5, welll FedEx Vou an 

ariaZ arn Bly ool Pri: A= 

a full-on eaamnilhits PC 
raurtesy af iY paWer: 
3. Cheek Maxim.com early 
and atten tece= it your 
fUAAY boat 18 BIGBer tAan 
Qurs. And remember, 
lauehing beats crying! 














C716 da WAS wen 











(1F IT'S OUT THERE, 


MY FIRST TIME 


i he'sdonestints on bawQ00rtler: 
SVU and Lifetime, and now 
Medellin-born stunner Zulay 
Henao is literally hitting the 

bigtime starring opposite ll er- 
_ renee Howard (see p,90jin the 
underground brawling flick Fighting, Despiitea 
military background and a fewchildhood mis- 
haps, Zulay is far from the violent type. Listen 
as she gently shares some notable firsts, 


ITt’S DIN HERE} 











First Fight 

Theonly real fight I've ever been inwaSwhen 
I was 14, and it involved people bullying my 
younger sister. [remember her coming home 
crying, so I was like, “Come on, let's go get 
them!" Myfamily'is my soft spot, and whenever 
they're in some kind of trouble, I'm there. 


First Family Feud 

One time my brother and sisters and l were 
chasing each other around a hotel room 
while on a family vacdtion. We were just play- 
ing around, being stupid, and | slammed a 
door on my sister's hand. falmost cut off the 
middle finger of her right hand! Byen to this 
day, when I see her finger, I'm like, “Fuck!” 


First Kiss 

Boy, that was along time ago. My sisters and! 
used to play house, and sometimes we'd invite 
boys over to play. One day we invited this boy 
Sergio. Hewascute, and the kiss wasalll sweet 
and innocent. Biifiihen my mother found out, 
and Iwasdone seeing Sergio, 


First Day of Basic Tralithiing 

I went into the amily right after high school, 
and the first day of basic training Wal really 
hard, Wewere in the cold at Fort Bragg, North 
Caroliij, and it was miserable, I quickly reall- 
ized I'd have 10 Cinmge my attitude iffl was 
going to get through it. I've always tried to 
makethe most out of myexperiences, but that 
one was tough.—SatiaS Abadsidis 


PHOTOGRAPHS BY CHRIS FORTUNA 


20 maoam » may mos 





| 


IKU FOR EXCLUSIVE ARTISTS 


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STYLING, KAREN SHAPIRO): HAIR, AARON WIGHT ROR CELESTINE AGENCY: 


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The first 1,000 Vériz 





picture. ( fer applies to 
Verliawn Wirtibds cifgiom- 
ere only. Standard text 
mestaging rates apply.) 


A) 


La Peni bra and palities 
Azzedine Allsia siwes 


AA‘LZ SHOTGUN This awesomely scary military prototype spits 

300 13-gange rounds per minute with practically zet@ reQbil, Already the 
subject of YouTube videos and a fawnigpg write-up in The New Yautbrr, it's 
destined to unleash hell on whoeves effs with us next. Hear that, Camada? 






































3. (e Donitshake its paw. Expantissay ___(@) Don't smile and 
—— afemale chimp has up to five times .— make funny P 
smile-and-stare look 
you flash to attract = 
WOrmen at Appkebee's is 4 
the same one that could | P 
hapa ot Aston 
you show your teeth, | 
pintonp eee Bond's favorite automaker 
says Collette, “And an releases Its fastest car ever 
intense Stare normally ERD aguas PIN me heee Tea alee eg pias fs 
produces ai Tipe itty, fright. dhe 6 WM = ul ic el vi | t a Ji 


or flit response.” 


to avoid becoming 
amonkey meal. 


- 
a fo 
— 














+) Don'towna () Notice the ___/@) Run and hide! 
\_" chimp. ‘Thimps \——" Sifins. When , \— If you see dehimp 
are more likely to pissed, says Colette, | on the loose, you have 
attack the people they Champs’ hatr will stand two options; Make like 
know than strangers,” up so they look bigger, _ abanana and split Or 
says MartineColette, their shoulders will rise, . fightiback and be eaten 
chimpanzee expert and and ttezy may emit a like one. “A chimp's 
foander and director loud scfeam that will strength is five times 
of Wilkilile Waystation. scare the fecal matter that of an avbtape sie 
Cihimnpssare not meant out of you. Finally, adk man,” explains Cilette 
tobepets. They are yourself, “Is it charging Sono matter what kind 
meant to be dressed med’: If you atiswaerped of 'rolds youre shoot- 
up in people clothes in ,Aaaaapeeenhl it was Ing, you're no match for 
movies to entertain us. Breat knowing you. this beast laura Leu 











a | Qulup ima ball and 4 Protect your 'nads. : Pray that someone 
Eating don't move. says An angry chimp reaches 911 before 
| : Colette. ‘The chimp might ‘may end up castratimga your buthorks die fully 
Your Face just simack you around:” male humam'’saysCoktte digested. 


22 MAXIM » MAYZ009 





KENTUCKY DERBY It lasts for only twodipypetty- 
dloppety minutes, but you'll be surdimg mint juleps Well 
into the nigiit if you hoof it to Louisville on May 2 for the 
greatest equine event known té man. khaflediyderby.<om 


> Find yourself in possession of testicles? 
| Thenwe imagine you I! find it hard ta 
look away trom the Aston Martin One-77, the 
British brand's latest world-beating supercar. 
Underneath its sweet, swoopy sheet metal, 
carbon-fhber everything keeps the One-77 
light and rigid, whichis kind of important 








BacomPom 
Sorry; Cap'n Crunch, but we just 
found anew power breakfast. 


>» Baron beer, Doesn't It 

= ®%=justsound $0 freakin’ 
right? WelL friends, 
we're here to tell you 
that thi magical 
mekiing of two of Our 
favorite things iseven 
better than you think. 
It's adark, srooky, malty 
masiepiiece that is 
destined to become best 
friemds with your 
mouth. Known as 








brewed since 1678iIn 
Bamberg Germany. it 
may smell like boiled 
beet jerky, but we 
swear it will make all 
your dreams corre true, 
smokxebeercom 








considering there's a7.3-liter, 700 hp V-12 
engine launching the rear-drive car o—60 
In just over three seconds. Sadly, Aston's 
selling only 77 of these things, at $1.4 
million each, and they ve all been sold— 
but check eBay the next time an invest- 
ment bank goes bust!—Ky Henderson 


#TS IN A SERIES 








hlewes eae =f Dla hoa 
Nim ber or big Macs 
J 1 ~~ 


THE UROCKUB Don't you hate it when you've gotth take a leak in the 
middle ofa ¢olf game and there’s no bathneom or bushes in sixtit? Us too! 
The UroClub looks normal but has a reseiVoir in its grip, into which you can 
discreetly piss. Hey, it beats lying facedown over the 18th hole! &&, urodub,org 





Nice Package! 
Big Fanstar Patton Oswalt on how 
to hone your Hollywexud image, 





ackin theeanlY’90s,when Lhad 
the semblance ofa jawline and 
semidefined abS§, J had lunch 
with my agency, Strategic Al- 
ternative Zeitgeist Overlords, 
Litd. They had a pretty seduc- 
tive game plan for me: the snide but lovable 
Slacker Anti-Hero Package. | didn’t have the 
pees, height, or quad strength for the Terse 
Action Loner Regimen,Amd myeyes lacked the 
dewy sincerity forthe Bashful Romantic Heart- 
throb Plan, But the Slacker Anti-Hero Package 
species fit me to a T. They'd filled four slots 
alreadky—Stephen Dorff, Christian Slater, Ethan 
Hawke, and Janeane Garofalo, Jwas about to 
sign mycontract, and in the middle ofhavinga 
flannel shirt customn-fit (and matched toavin- 
tage Stooges tee), when my manager called: 
Owen Willson sharked my spot that morning. 
Theresttofthe 90sandearly aughtswerevery 
difficult. lscraped by doingstamdl-up, sitcoms, 
andcartoon animal voices, | swore I'd never get 
my hopes crushed by the corporate machine 
again, | brooded, drank, read voraciously, and 
ate a carb-heavy diet, My wardrobe of ironic 
T-shirts and jeans had to be changed to cords, 
a collared shirt, and a tweed sport ¢wat to hide 
Eat di.6 MOO my bulk. Wiitthout even knowing it, 1 honed 
pancakes instead myself perfectly into an Indie Movie Schlub. 
Then | got another call from my manager. 
Tumns out Seth Ragen’s lost too much weight, 
and a slot is open in the Indie Movie Schlub 
roster! My future looks bright. 





i : 
you'd need toeat 
\ 
a TT La = 0d 
to match the >,§88 
Coltories O] a Ait ¢ Ie 4 
peipsdm, Coke, ani | 
rl a ai hOB «= o oe 
Mad of MéuMis at the 


4 os o- W a eres 
movies, Vegetarian 


| The dark indie comedy Big Fanis Gswalt's first “leading man’ role. 


MAY2009 = MAXIM 23 


STICK A TAPE Li\ ul Bb. \Ch- 
Hk Lb ST 1Gis NILE | 





Transformers, Gi. Joe’. Hey, Holl 





Y YOURS! 


Attack of the’80s Toys! 


kvwood! Why not make 


a blockbuster out of a toy that people actually lik? 


My Buddy 
PLOt Set. Lex 





Sy | Vann : 
, Bae Wilma 


Dilliger i& one we 0 Sat! single 
day away from retire- secretary finds a talking 
ment, and hell have to toy car while taking a 
spend his lasti24 hours stroll in the park Jove 
on the force showing this goes from.0 to 60 in 3.2 
overalls-weariil rookie heartbeats. But will her 
the ropes-cr the senator's family undexstand? 
da ughter dies. racline dmmatters 
1AgdLine Thisbuddy bends of the heart. size 
overiior no onel db25S7i matteo 


LUST ALERT 


24 MAXIM » MAYz008 





om My Little 

% Pony 

PLoOr Noone 

bet on a flmituqyant 
pink: maned pomyto win 
the Preakness Stakes-—but 
champions come in all 
shapes, sizes, and sexual 
orientations. 
TAGLIRE Vote “Veihr 
on Propositkdn oi 
ims Liedman 


Lux Minimalist 
Foosball Table 
Tiwe hadnt Lst 
bouelit that salid-pold 
dartboard, wed hap 
ly drop $17,780 on this 
stainless steel beauty 
Chromed aluminiin 
handles make jabbing 
Your opponents balls 
lank classy, while the 
unbreakable elass 
DAVIN Held allows 
YOU to marvel at fis 
anguished reflection 


od i al Weng i aia CLO GHT] 





LERDWSKI PEST 





WEE LUV 
MOOVIES 





Quentin Tarantino's 
Inglourioos Basksrtis 
isn ttthe first mis- 
spelled Hollywood 
filtm, A look back at a 
few of the dumbest 
fiubthed tities, You 
guys ever hear fa 
spell-divecker? 


SE7EN 
Til. le; sine 
We can only assume 

this sell mg sie 
aa + 7 mice 


de ‘Capt tated he ore 
Gwynetl 





Paltyvoww’. 





= 
to Ea ge 
2 Wa KT (Ie sSs$av hse 
t+ 


ANT 


Lure Ve RUINS eT S 
with 4% Ob>ads title, 
then stick in Woody 
Allem. Wrong for $0 


Many AEaSoms 








bovz 






N Te 


You know this slit 
is comin: F correct! 
ea 
| SE7CCI ed title: 
| iil : “t a } slave Pad Fer | 
JOC Te OED TCE a 
a ‘J - as 

Verenbechood . 


Sroth E oo 
re ay Lb 
4 ra j A AO AY ri 


Overimdulge on Wtintte Russians and 
The Rig Lebowski lore at this ammual celebiation of all things 
Dudesddated at L.A.'s Wiltern theater May 7-8. Beware lermpt- 
wielditig nihilists. And embartassment. lebouwskifest.com 










1 vz Doimiana liqueur 
2 02. High pe riectar 
Splash of orange juice 


Pour everything ext thi 
Hbejoaeter i ireha at disket Nee 
yr itt | e, Sbiibee steel ther 
Ato g sult; -itimed 
“iiehirdicant float 
with liqueur. GAraish 
witht an orange slice. 





Master the Margarita 
Mark that most Mexican of holidays 
with this killer cocktail 









if you're like us. Qnco de Mayo is merely an 
‘ee excuse to throw a teduila-drercthed blowout that 
Ss willinvolve making Ortega tacos, bashing a piflata 
ei with roofies,,and possibly shaving a donkey, Thdfs 
alll muy buena, but we demand that you ditch the thnat- 
burning margarita mix and instead follow this traditional 
recipe by Juan Carlos, CEO Of famed San DieRO tequileria 
and distillery El AMawe Artesamal Warning: These maiwd- 
ritdS are so Quaffable, youll pass out in the bean dip! 











ee 


on the pain away with these 
rm-fnee, recession-proof tequilis. 


Bt i ss 


| | SauzatHormitos 3 \ El Agave Arte- 
“VY $23 A lightttedlila — ganal Afiejo SSO 
that's excellent for drink- 
ing straight er mixing 
with just about anything 
(expept cough syrup. 


Triple-distilied and aged 
18 months in oak barrels 
fer a fruity spice, For best 
results, drink often, 





| 1800 Afiejo $41 | Patron Reposado 
VA rR Tatnabkableoak $55 Aged 12 
finish with peppery months before ifs bottled, 


notes makes it extremely 
intense, Like a murderer's 
stare, only tastier| 


it makés for dangerously 
smooth shots, Your diges- 
tive track will thank you. 


| Th oe of mauny fey texrill) 


1 oz. fresh-squcezed time juice 





INZ 


ERIC + 


ILLUSTRA THOM, 










(now that's a threesome 
you can tell your mom about) 


ever notice ow soc fies & bit of a =n 

game show it's a letdown to the whole tamiy 

the video store i's the cee 
Jered into ant in section on 






4 
INH 








a 


INCOMING [Liehe see en 


—_—_— 


a Peas. ee a ee ee 4 oe 
We feel for the paparazzis favorite (and 


j 


fairest) target. Don't mess with the Lohan 


Dear Uimits hy, 


Itmust be weird when people take pictures of you “4 
youtlon Itbecbeachdoryoath hag hing, shit! That... Gee 


used to happen tows, too. Except that itwasn't 
enthe beach, but in the atlic ofsomedude we 
met in a chat room, And we weren't wearing 
a bathing suit, but what can best bedescribed 
as a “sexy: version ofthe Phillie Phanatic’scos- 
tume. But that really isn't important right now, 
Lindsay. We just wanted to say that we feel for 
VAL! Iit’s gotta be tough to be constantly photo- 
ghgibed and written about. When we were 
grapbheckramc stunran gly beaut ne doy 
fariwonise cone yOoyin qn hodt beabialin flings dwitlhy 
felabrity Dj Noyweaveot deobilnhangds galt 
ath brstaiiin Nakiagdtrangessliy thinoian bel 
to bake patioivsavintoscans So ita ay witied 
beerk Uyiteubesb Ais hotiemsantlinwaw eed 
nee chard y enjoy Aniarehpics of -you roRDWwiP 
aca beadhinystanalbes PiasOeKEd parMAgine 
dad beavaniben: fieokheratefisiavatharawe 
londanges Mpsestt<kles are JUst another word 









26 MAXIM » MAWI0O9 





. “Samantha, 
| what doyou 
mean we used 
“dll thverstoritebantle 
last Higtht?™ 









NSE HEcfGn WALLEN Hae FIC COAST N 


Pel 
on? 
' 





| 


a... 


‘7 
r 


1 
i. 


LOMEL'S ner BIBLE We're lickinY Ol chops in anticipa- FIGNT CLUS SUNGLASSES Ten yeus 





tion of this carnivorous cookbook by the faked NY.C. butcher after Baad Pitt wore them in David Fincher's 
SH8 beaturing KO Broth aked peckpes if '§ required read. fistic glassic, Bhiver Peaples is pereleasing Wire 
Si ee r hungry gatdove np ERG A? BES: tf chroniclebooks.com Dutden's siiaary s! hee es oliver maith Gk 








"|. [| H | al fA i i i fj ! 
f t q q 
, mh eee fk A a ee 2 bee Le ae Ae fe gi gi Tr ae a 
| r) 1G rari (Tir es | | om lnlw alliage aba = yi aTttftet WP {i 
| S Ved? (TNOWIeS INSDITCO Teale ire ITT 
! i Bi eats \ wT e | fl oo @ ia | 1 | » se y ;  Y ; i ) 
J we, las z L | iw ie tf | e B.. Bad ibe aa % = _ éu Nts o Se" | a 4 
Ny 
oi 





The Whestler: Scott Siegel, the flidk's ripped 'svid supplier, 
was body-slammed whenwpSssedfched his parents’ home 
and found 1,400 bottles ofsteroids and more than $100,000 
in cash. We suspect he dipped into his own supply: Hethen 
allesedly tried to run over the arrestingafificers. 


StarTrek): The‘szanchforSpock: An unknown man robbed 
two Colorado Springs convenience stores, wielding what 
one witness told cops was a “Bat'leth” Klimgon sword. We 
don't know what's worse: the crime orthe fact that the wit- 
ness recognided and knew the pingyRt: 
word for a Klingon sword. 





The Dark Knight Reams: SpencerTaylor 
was arrested for stealing a Dark Kmight 
poster while dressed as the Joker. Holy 
lame crime, Rattman! —Mike Hammer 


























“ at the Grond P 


Goto TACO BELL, goto Large or XL drink and : 
BajoBlast.com, or request o free code by mail. 


WO PURCHASE UR PAYMENT OF ANY KIND NECESSARY 10 ENTER OF WIN. PURCHASE WILL NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCE OF WINNING. Internet access and regestration required 
Game sutpect to Ofiaal Rules posted at www.tapblast.com and at participating stores. Game farts 46/2009, 3-00 Pi (ET), and ends STR P009, 2:59 PM (ET). To receive one tree Gare 
Code and a copy of ihe Official Rules vithoul purchase, while supplies last. send a SASE postmark by SG/ZUR9 to Bigs! for Cash Gare Place Requests, PO. Box 7H0500, E Paso, TX 
88575-0580. Aanidents of VT may orl return postage. Void where prohibited. Open to legal US residents. MOUNTAIN DEW, MOUNTAIN DEW BAJA GLAST and A TROPICAL LIME STORM 
are registered trademarks of PepsiGo, inc. O2009 TACO BELL CORP: 


























SSS 


INCOMING | 


Cool Stunt Man! Darrin Prescott stunt guru for the Bou 


r-Man 3, snows how to survive aday from helll See you in tee ER! 


7:15 a.m. Sneak out of bed when a girl 
is Sleeping on your arm. 
Whisper that one of her stuffed animals 

| fell, When she bolts upright to “rescue” 

| him, wrigele free. Grab your pants and try 
to sneak past the big dude in the kitchen.. 


7:27 A.M. Take a punch from 

her obsessed male roommate. 

L. fa fist is fying toward your face, try to 
take the punch with your forehead, the body's 
built-in battering ri am. It beats petting popped 
in the mouth or nose, and if you're lucky it 


Ae a 


MOBPRICEN Columbus, Ohio just got about i,qeoctinm:s[ooalkr, (ee: 


thanks to this May 19 Convention of “furrles"—qeqple who get 
wildly aroused by dressing up in fiwzy animal ¢ostumes. We'll be 
the oneS dry-humping the giant stuffed chipmunk! morphiaananiy 


8:30 p.m. Fall froma roof 
while installing your 
“hot-neighbor cam.” 

AS 500m as you Degin to fall, 
Spin around and pick your 
falispot, Fallata shiently 
forward-leaning angle so you 
can shoulder-roll as soon as 
the Balls of your feet toucn. 
If you're arighty, roll right 
Coneprats, YOu Survived. Good 





7:40 p.m. Light yourself on fire to avoid 
dinner conversation with the in-laws." 
l. Buy a Carbond shirt (545, stunt 
eguipmentshop.com), The fire-resistant 


material will stop the hellish heat...sort of 
ce. Over the Carbon shirt, Wear a natural: 
hiber shirt. “Fake fibers melt. Melting is bad 
on humans,” says Preset ott Good tip! 


4, ASil ignites ona 
cal ndile, bolt ta the 
shower, Then say 
Vou need to “clean 
the ~htdanitel 
‘Dude. dont try 
ius orany of these 
Youreonlya SCLUNAT= 
PLT in your head 


5 a.M.to5 p.m. Stay 
awake at work when 
you re hung phbeadh 

1. Eat protein, drink 

6 ‘uisaenise and, Yes, tae 


ald met abol ] sm edit boost 
your enerpgy levels). 

2. Resist naps with type 
racercom, where you 

can challenge fellow cu 
bicle monkeys to typing 
races, Your boss will think 
youre working. Next, the 
hell that is your in-laws... 


may even break his nee 

é. Gut punch? Don't hold your breath. Instead 
try to relax your whole body and exhale as 
the blow hits your beer belly. [t will all be over 
soon. Run out the door and steal his car 


luck tomotrow, Stunty Boy! 


6:45 a.m. Parallel park...at 30 mph. 

L. Approach from the opposite direction, stomp the 
brakes, and pull the emergency brake making a quarter 
tum toward the space 

e. When you pet to 90 degrees, release the emergency 
brake slightly and immediately reengage it. This will 
help you slide laterally into the space 

4, Check pants, ditch the stolen car, and hitchhike aride 
from Bill Maher and Ann Coultet 


6:55 a.m. Bail out of a moving vehicle driven by 
ie tales Bill Maher and Ann Coulter. 

The bickering ripping into your skull like the earwipg 
in The Wrath of Khan? First, roll down t he wi indow to 
less en Win Tes \% eanee wien yu LY See he 1g tl ne door i URE 
2. Dive out the open door, staying parallel to the around 
Doda quarter rotation in the air with your arms close to 
Your body as you land on your shoulder and roll. And 
roll. Collect your skin-graft skid mark and head to work.. 





j Prisoner 


3 Dumbbell) Swing 
Squat 


4 SwissBall 
Stand with feet 








ANA Be Planks 
AN er | | With your hamcls shoulder width apart, Put your elbows on the 
Nike Justus, the yoked behind your head. Grab a diliintiml with eround and your shins | 
stunt double for fron Man, sit back at your hips an overhand grip and on $s top of a Swiss J 
ai — and bend your knees swing between your — balll Make your body mi 
sdy5 the key to palin untlil your thighs are legs as you bend at rigid [his gyn r carting a E 
proofing yourself Sa parallel 10 the floor the knees. Swing lt push-lp, Squeeze your “ 
tr , le Petia} Then press through back up chest high alts. Hdid this position = 
strong core. Here's Indu you heels backto a then backalown. Pray for 6Q seconds. Rest 60 : 
to steel Up YOUr DOd. stamcding position your neighbors arEri't serahkts, weepquiletly, 
DQ Onan. watichand. DA 30 reps. and repeat 





28 MAXIM © MAWA009 


it, Big Pak and the O Design are tradamarks of the We Wrigley Jt Company. 


= a 


E 





©2009 Wn Wrigley J Company, All Rights Reser 








INCOMING | PUNCH'‘GUTII FOR WII Are all those complex Slaver guitar solos on 
I Guitar Hero HI giving you carpal tunnel syndfome? Time to look even sillliet by 
swinging maniacally at the air with Wii's addictive new boxing ganne. (S30) 


How to greet a door- 
to-door ShamWow 


salesman 


MAXI 


Ever wonder why your girlfriend is clingy, how to 


legally kill Someone, or why popcorn pops? Prepare 
to eat a steaming Hot Pocket of delicious know-how! 





7) Why ismy girlfriend sodiimgy? 
Samuel Brady, Dakiland, CA 

“Clinginess,” the scourge of non-doting boytriends 
everywhere, is a toxic blew of jealousy, neediness, 
dependency, and insectfity. In short, hdtiegirlhas sepa- 
ration alixety: She desperately wants to be your number 
one priority, and she'lldrown your new puppy if he gets 
In her way. "While men tend to be jealous of potential 
sexual vals, women tend to be jealous of time and 
attentiom? says Ciharles T. Hill, potésS¢or of psychalogy 
at Whittier College. So devote every wiking moment to 
this needy nutjob or dump her and move on, right? Hold 
your horny horses, sherlif-it Could be more sclecrtiii 








3, How many body parts can bé réplaced than that. A recetilt, and totally awesome, University of 3) Is there such a thing as allicense to kill? 
— with prosthetics? Washington study found that certain prot@masmseminal —“ Colin Tramble, NewQOrleans, LA 
Vernon Treelot. San Francisco, CA fluid are transferred to Actually, Colin, weaill have a licemse to kill, Atcordiong to 
In addition to YOUT legs, hands, fingers, and toes, most women during sex, Ona Robert Batey, professor at Stetson University College 
of your face (nose, ears, eyes, teeth, and palate) can be Much easier : hormonal level, these sly of Law, if someone Is trying to kill main rape, or kicinap 
replaced with plastic, as can all the Tondle-worthy no-no than paying qe proteins may dampen her you or someone nearby, you are legally allowed to beat 
parts, like breasts, penises, and testidles. Even skin can forday care interest in other males them to death with that trophy basson your wali, In 
be temporarily restored with @ synthetic epidermisor _— while heightening her most states you can even kill to prevent a dangerous 
pigskin. Thet| there are even prosthiedthG ihat restore athraction, and possibiy felony, like arson, Carjacking. or wearite@yriltécaiter 
the function of a missing or diseased organ, Pacemakers, psychotic neediness, Labor Day, "These liremses taliil also extend to Thoee 
heart valves, artilicM/ joints, Cochlear implants, va&duillar for yOu. It's like sperm who mistakenly—but reasonably-believe that they 
prostthetics, and faux voice boxes all help you function hypinosis: Liook into Our or somebody else is about to be murdered, maimed, or 
like @ normal person. Bottom lie: You're entirely replace balJs... fou are getting cHiiaodled, or to have his home unlawfully entered." says 
able, Vernon, no matter how specudl yoo think you are. Vé-e-2-ry sleepy", Batey. Mental note: Do notlbreak into this dude's house, 





?) How does popcorn pop? Breit Kreisman, Chicago, IL 
To satisfy your hungertor knowledge, we asked Shawn Feat, a 
developer for GanAgra Foods, which owns yum-tastic liffy Pop, 


S ' r 1 | 7 nae | = 
“ 2 wll : r rE 2 F a. oe m ia, bi . a oes j= er he 
Ls i ri L: j . ; i j . I : =| Fa 1 L' 
C - iy a “| i | i Li's je Fi i" [1 f = 7 | —, 
i S.4- EELS Eo bol fe F ooo Lk Hye Mo a | of I inal bh i 4 
i i, 


. 2 . ui . 
P i 9 e a | hy i a 5 = el a i 7 7 ‘== = § = i 
| re: it Ls il 1-7 a | tae if i. j= re - | . 
aE IE | hd aS a Liu yp i ae | i ’ Lal A eg ee 
‘—_ i 
' 


TPES faery ay eed ie ae oo ll 

: 5 | i i 

c i rial | ste | 

= |. = = ao Pom Po be bt | 
i 









i | 
a a ea ere ee De Me gl i Yor ver - i a ee ke PE 
Ind moisture inthe core : | | Teaks down, absoros aqaitional 


Fl 
c i ; i Ady a : j 
i jer iy! [ Ke [je MOsture, arid swe 
pots oe ee |* i By oy l nl 1h a » CLI ee 2 See ee | 
E 





(Ne Moisture and Dressire Torce the Kemel to 
expat, The casing finally explodesina pop that 
takes a millisecond and creates the flutty white 
starch on the outside and the hull on the inside 
And that, Brett. is buttery, salty science! 


4) 


30 MAXIM =» MAY R009 





LUST Rul TOE SES PCO) 





















AQUA contact le nses « 





i\ er up to 5 » times faglels “. 


ak tae 


oft contact ler 15e€5 


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“AIR OPTIX AQUA ce Ct Were, “OM = 138 ° 3.000: 08 a factors may impact eye te ralih. gk your eye Care p frute lot COMPleLe WrEaT, CAN and Airey anRorraton, “One rOr TG Fenn Lod ACOeTIMETTT i rape 
tour weeks as determined by the Bye Carp iM. ‘a a 1 n na be nbquied. Pry hice ani te af 5 18 y app. Al pe macapaling 1 ——, . 
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(© 2009 CIBA VISION Corporation  2009- “02-011 a 2 =) 





a eee | 





AN ADVERTISEMENT OF BONE-BREAKING, SNOT-FFREEZING CONSEQUENCES 


oe Ld \ 24 : o 
_EATS _—s?_—s INJURY REPO :  DIVELESSON : CLIMBING : SNOWED IN 
BEST PROTEIN: NARU : HOW TO.PREVENT ““GETHIGHER : _ AVALANCHE 
GOO : BROKEN BONES : THE BEN 3 FASTER : SURVIVOR SPEAKS 


















































7 of road trips with your 
“eo ring’? magn tees ad wg, 








ALO Jumping > >" * Rai skydiving is a real 

<< —ah bane CBN Say hey VS Ae ee 
from tidiens NMeicht of 13,000 feet, i's time to Un the 
ante with avhigh SW&yde (30,000 feet. to be ex , low 
open parachute jurnp"# me your long johns; the i 
there is 25-35 deayees belor pin 

















Mant Squtd Diving > Tne ving = 
chance to see such benign, cute creatunes aS § Sea, tt | 
and tropical fish. ‘For real men, there IS giz iid innit 
In Mexico. If you've ever had a hankerihi we t 
JeRaity 200-pound hunk of caldMitari, here's you ec 











Fs 
ae a 


ir 
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ks of Engrg 


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energie 2008 Schick Quattro, and other rgeks are tracema 


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School of Mock 


enitis back with a twisted new ani 


The man behind Arrested Developm 





itchell Hurwitz is a glut- 
ton for punishment. 
Three years after Fox 
took his Arrested Devwel- 
opment off life support, 
the writer‘jiroducer is 
heading bas to the network that ditched 
him, And he's not even holding any grudges, 
“Maybe oneday I'll bolt out ofbedand scream, 
‘I was robbed!"" Hurwitz says, “but now [just 
feel privileged they're letting me take so many 
creative risks, I'm excited about it. Ican't wait 
tosee the low ratimes'l" 

tased on an old Australian sitcom, Sit 
Down, Shut Up follows a group of disturbingly 
indifferent teachers at a Florida high school. 




















Helen Klench 
bOoe lf 15 ast 
obviatine Chen 
Otters Brannan, 





ae sezno 


nan i non Sor 


ncie | Pee eas the 














F onincipal en reids. 


Leglistambos 


Hl) 7 pti Hla» 
i WHE "a hi (VB Li =4 
Pe | = Ri* 





(YOUR ULTIMATE ENTERTAINMENT AUTHORITY) 








plains, “but they also happen to be horrible, 
horrible teachers. You get what you pay for.” 
Whether it’s the suicidal German peieres 
the vice principal on perfonmance-entimnd ng 
drugs, orthe one competent faculty member, 
who's been exiled to gym, the staff grajiple 
with chet own egos, insecurities, and person- 
emdas—all while keeping their students 

a total afterthougint’ Just like real life! 
Standing out in Fox's Sunday night Ani- 
mation Domination lineup won't be easy, 
but Hurwitz has a few secret weapons, One 
is the show's animation style, which has the 
‘toon characters appearing over a live-action 
backgnaumdl Another is the comic skill of his 
all-star voice actors, who include Arvested pals 
(Jason Bateman, Will Amettt, Henry Winkler) 














Emnnit Hofftati 
Will Arnett s fake 
lore Enevisn teadchhiet 

aves thé ladie: 





Stuart 
Proszackian 
Wu! Forte is the vite 








Deutschebog 
Henry Winkler is the | 
RUT GeETMan por 












ed show, Sit Dowum Sihutt Up, 


and SNi-ers (Kenan Thompson, Will Forte, 
Cheri Oter)). Then there's the buikz around 
the Airasted movie, which is likely to get the 
green light after years in development hell. 
One last reason Hurwitz shouldn't fret 
too much? When Fox cancels a cartoon, 
there's a good chance they'll just bring it 
back in a couple of years, Family Gu) style. 
“Tf AmeSted were a cartoon, we'd still be mak- 
ing itt? says Hurwit#. “We would've gotten a 
nice little break, and now we'd be doing the 


episode where we make fun of Fox for put- 


ting us back on the air.” Maybe he’s learned 
his lesson after all.—Mike Olson 
















1 Sit Down, Shut Up premieres April 19 on Fox. 


Larry Litthejunk 

Iason Batemans FE 
teacher actually ives 
a Shut Aout acadenn: 





















Miracle itehe 
sah Lakgbaied Ss | 


= a i = 5 

























































Head of State 


| ee a i | i ‘e 74 j 

oe oe ee = — = Po = SS toe te at ee 
| < | i L | | | [ V1 Hr rj ii Ltt a : | | | | 7 ii : 
ee a ae ee Hs Ths becae! rh, s Pe i 2s df 


espite the sea of “change” that has flooded 

Washington, director Kevin Macdonald still 

thinks the placeis rife with corruption. Soas the 

follow-up to his brutal Idi Amin biopic, The Last 

King of Scotland, he’s adapted the politically 

charged BBC miniseries State of Play. “It's about 

the collapse of journalism,” Macdonald explains, “and the end 
of thinking governments have our best interests in mind.” The 
wae hale featuresamarquee-ready castinclucling Rachel McAdams, 
Ben Affleck, and Russell Crowe as a journalist investigating the 
exccutionsivie murder of a female aide toa senator = oho: hap- 
pens to be his old buddy. Though Crowe's keptit mellowinsome 
recent flicks (anyone recall the romantic comedy A Good Year?), 
He's perfect,” Macdon- 
“The character is slobby, drunk, and beaten up by his 


here he returns to tough, grizzled form. “ 
ald says. 
past. It's hard to imagine Brad Pitt bein¢gthat.—Guy Cimbala 


The Soloist 

Robert Downey Jr, isa jowr- 
nalist who becomes buddies 
with Jamie Foxx's homeless 
schizo musical prodigy. 





Th# Informers 

Author Bret Easton Etlis’ 
‘BOs drug-and-clubO@fuvre 
onmmplete+Oitsdnematic jour- 
ney to pure DCEiaAA Rad 





Ghosts of Giriirieridts Pai 
On t the eve OT his his bro's wed- 
ding, womanizing bachelor 
Netithew MoGonauginey is 

I visited by three gitly ghosts. | 


f 


36 MAXIM » M©A\2009 





os ad Ay BAD Ew WHS 


AiG HE'RIMAGE GESTIV 


ne E 


AL Keep your shirt on 


for the New Orle ans § seven-day event that features chefs and artists paying 
culinary and musical tribute to the Big Easy. Festival highligiw?The set by 
Southern boys Kimgs oHwon, 





WHAT" 


= | 
H Tt >PED iinG 


1p 

Ik IPC - 
Cc te ealy: ‘|: 
> a an. 





fi i. 
\j | 
fay 
me CoS, 

‘ 
i 


Ali¢e in Ehaitis 

rime to break O1iT 

the tlatiival! The 
grunge rockers are 


= = LUM c Pt re 

_ i bi = \_ 
La 

a 


eth T The Oprah 
Vinfr ey Network 
Opn ‘ah 1s _ ne So 
minousl¥ dro 
nymed. i eal le 
er Sienho 
sprawling empire. 


" Ls m4, 
WK Uo 














j a | So 
Beare Th ‘IT 
( 
v I L = 
i 
| 


Captolt 


Reno Offi star a se lennon reveals 
what he learned shooting I/ Again 


| In Tf Apairl I play 
“~Y the best friendot 
Miattthew Perry, wiht 







wakes up Ofé day as 
I yearn AO SALON - 


or 


1s s the hest jc job b for an actor. 
You get ati of days 
off during the shoot, plus 
you never have to. do 

“‘crumadhreks” to keep your 
rogk-hard six-pack. 
(Presumably, you domt 
have one if you're playing 
the Thest friend”) 








» |) Tht bid from High 
eV, School Musikai and 
Lit. Damgle from Reno Silil 
fighting each other with 
ligihtsabers isnt ais 
hotnoertdtir ; 
It's fairiyivormpecc’ IC, 
yeah, jUSt TI6t as much 
as it SOmMs. 


he its rs COLUTICES. 


) Reno@is 
V improvised, but 
apparently there are SQme 
movies, like 17 Aga, that 
are not. It'S great! What & 





timesaver. Somebody has 
already written down alll 
the funny thi ne s 5 youll 
say in the movie. All you 
have ta.dois vilfid there 
and say themllis easy. 
Foucameven doit 

after eight shotsof 

Js igern neister. 








4 ) Hyou wanttolee! 
V—realeniyqredtabout 
yourself as a man at age 
38, don't stand next to 
Zat Effron ev ery day, 16 
hoarsewery day, for a 
month, Compared to him, 
aroybody looks like a turd 
onesie es like a 
turd on ast>::h:. 

) Withenst the Lt. 

3 Beiiblentstiche 
nobody Heganwktealkeho 
Sees licls Icy cakes wy 
pans neva speeding 
sehevby OG BAGESHing 





= 


17 Again hits theaters April 17, 
and SeiSiie, ‘oef Reno HUT ales 
Wealresdays at 10:30 PM. un. 

Caran Verottal 


OUR TAKE 


Ting bonding between acting 
heavyweights Downey Jr. and 
Foxx may trigger a newtound 
apprediation for the s 
Or your local bun, 


synpiheny 


Like a eaneKe of Less Than 
Zero, but this time 


more dr udgs 


the re e alc 
more bisexuali ty, 





Stew ¥ 


and Mickey Rourke! 


Hold up-a chick flikcombined 
with the Dis bedi oa homage” 

Ko AQ p An is of mas is Carol TH SD af 
Maltty, vyouulll hi have to bust 
these ghosts without us. 








a 





[] Me) } 





[WA Cindy 


Ere VESPALLOUON TOI bY Gk 








John Cho 








The Harold & Kumar alum, who is Sulu in this month's Star Trek reboot, boldly reflects on his demise. 


50 HOW D0 YOU WANT 10 GO? 


By guillotine, wearing something fantastic. 


WHICH OF YOUR FILMS PLAYS OVER AND OVER 
IN HEAVEN? 

The one | haven't himedyet.I'dliketothink my 
best work is ahead of me 


WHICH ONE PLAYS OVER AND OVER IN HELL? 
The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. | played the 
parking valet 


IN STAR TREX YOU TAKE OVER THE ROLE OF SULU 
FROM GEORGE TAKE! WHO WOULD WIN AN 
INTERGALACTIC FIGHT TO THE DEATH? 

It would definitely be Takei. And | would not 
be the first man that he's killed...trust me. 


IN THE FIRST HAROLD & KUMAR, YOU PLAY AMAN 
ON AMUNCHIE MISSION. WHAT WILL YOU EAT TO 
TAKE CARE OF YOUR MUNCHIES IN HEAVEN? 


Angels. | hearthey're fluffy and delicious. 





{0W MANY WHITE CASTLE BURGERS D0 YOU 
THINK IT WOULD TAKE TO KILLA MAN? 


One._.ifit hits youin exactlythe right spot 


WHAT DID YOU SPEND THE MOST MONEY ON? 


Extensive plastic surgery. 


NAME ONE THING YOU REGLAD YOU'LL NEVER 
HAVE TO 00 AGAIN ON EARTH. 

Callthe phone company. can feel niyself slow- 
ly dying while I listen to their menu choices, 
“which have recently changed.” 


WHAT BOOK D0 YOU REGRET NOT FINISHING? 
A korean language book, It's excruciating that] 
need atranslatorto visit the land of my birth. 


YOU INTRODUCED THE TERM “MILF’ T0 THE 
WORLD IN AMERICAN PIE. WHOIS ONE MILF YOU 
WOULD LIKE TO SLEEP WITH BEFORE YOU DIE? 


Otherthan my wife? Is this atrick question? 






GOT ANY LAST WORDS? 


Thank you, ['m sorry, and [love you. 


WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAVING OVER YOUR CASKET? 


“He'snotasbiganassholeastthought’” ©@ 


eo Star Trek beams into theaters May 8. 


MAY 2009 « MAXIM 3/ 








TNE LEAGUE €XTRAGRODBARY GENTUEHEN, \WOL.S 
Forget the relat Gael flick—this briiid:spanking-new nddition 10 feelu- 
sive Wotthmen GEhtor AM Moore's comik book Setii's picks Serial murdeners, 
ophat findexs, louilGetes.and pilates imo de jRiges Olgraphic movel imsamity. 





RATED Bone wALe ewe 


Music Reviews 


For your aural satisfaction, here's 
what's drayping this month. 










Fischerspooner 
Entortalh ment 0: srupiws 
This arity duo headectup thé 
short-lived New Xork Gity 
eleCtio revival scene grea 
2000. and on Ue ETesistune 
third alum) they speck for the 
hipsters: “in a hedeamn word" 
ab MOeissat URANNE GALT: 
RATING: alder types d3eRieS>‘aliree| 
@666 OT CROSS KI SRUE pus" Marat 
ist Panay Baponen aunt ABse 
em fi@nceule fispyeh Aveehe 
that Summer with MUSiéfis Pure POP. Beal HBWED 


Chuck Norris siwityS , rmxiot exuberashbeate shay, 
makes him weppy. _ hooks, and hints of melancholy. 





Thinking about 





rid fon 





The Hiirlem par mentee nme 
a dassitiin 2004 with fe 
Witty, nitdistc Puli Hark, 
but after Vdhiows beets (and 
declaring on 60 Minutes that 
he'd never snitch, not even on 
a serial killer), he’s still fighting 


The Muscles from Brussels gets all deep in /CVD 


| ew things are stranger than playingaweeklomggame of | 
phone tag with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Rut itwas worth | 





RATING: for bIS-ded statws. His sixth 
it ta talk about JCVD, coming 10 DVD this menth. Van ee album mixes poppler Songs 
| car, ES : WLimeelt” awached with Medoing standouts like 
Damme shows surprising range as "himself," a washed- the title tradi. but his dense 
upacterwhogoes home to Belgium onlytowind upa hos- flow afd prescempations- 





hessi@ women, hustling nice 


tage in a post office robbery the police mistakenly think ridis, eee Mid oral-feunain 


he's orchestralting. Somehow, through the biad commection and broken 


English, we learned four things we didn't know about the action star. OSPECHE MODE 


SGuNDS Ge 
THE @nIVARSA 
1. He was once homeless in L.A. MUTESCAERTPLVWVEG! 
Luckily, there were kindhearted homeowners to give him a place to 
crash. N would stay in their garage with some covers and a pillow" he 
recalls, “In the morning I'd clean their houses and then go for casting." 


¥edh Yeah Veah§ fr's Bit) 
DECINTERSTOPE (Ress UF 
Singer Karen 0 launched this 
tie BY tearing her nutty out 
fits and HOUring beer OVer her 
head at Ie iBows, Her impul- 





Lhe 12th album 
iri) | noe Saks # in 
D stan Lard | Al 





ars feels ascomf{v as 


2. He's still huge in Belgium. 

But deatiing with fans isn't easywhen you've hada shittydkay. ' ‘Amybody 
can be ina bad mood, but you have to think ofthe consequences,” says 
Van Damme. “Some peaplehave your posters for 1Oyeansen a wall.” 


3. Yoti want him around during a heist. 


in old pais of latex 
trousers. ve arly 

10 years into thei 
Giracr, toe synths 


retain tmpeccalhix 


OG Dive Gahan s 


TE! 
titak i be a ull well LF 
1 P| ox Eat ol ¥¢G F J 
oOice iS STi el¥e 
¢ i Tes aT. 








ak has 1 Wil through 
the band's catalog, which start 
ed out Smivtic, turnéd moody, 
amd HOW, on thei third album, 
poes fully electro. Sometimes 
anemic (the atriengheric 
“Rumway |), Sometimes gor 
BUS ("Little Shathdw"), Bitzr 
ls most often pulsatirip(7Zen0," 
"Diagon Quin"). —Nick Gatinari 


Van Damme knows exactly what he would 
doina rabbery like theanv: mjQOWD. “Since I = 
like people so much, I will afterawhiletryto 
enter into d communication,: he explains. 


4, Tive guy can act. 

JCVD's highlight is an improvised six-min- 
ute monologue in which Van Damme talks 
about his own issues with drugs, ex-wives, 
and Hollywood, “It was interesting forthe 
audience to see me in a different light,” he 
says. “] was realliyttodo a 20-minute mono- 





Tine keyltaiDenny’s- Many waffle irons Skinny Belgians tp 
logue.” Suck it, Seagal!—MhkrOlson } sri ATT ULE russe ls.- heat uneven We efral Tiripe 4 chit hes waiting lithe 
ICVDs tasty Styig Wallies; Siting in the hung-over chow line chocolate. \Wemdns! Wwe 

Vanilla and yeast. not 


brunch saiesh 


Sinipeclent db ncn soidie Yaris lone beSt: idinmtf, 
baltitig soda. lub yeast? Add be vik Willems: Sano th syrup, whipped cream, fake 
yeast haanvyibes meters AllHClad Four Square, 51.99 fruit, (hed! qeecoiate* 





38 maxim «© MAy2009 


GAT MAXIM.COM/WAFFLE: iailiebildll (05, tet Abii 


ee ham 


= 
tom ft 











Let a stranger 
drive you home. 





TRADE 


En. deinekenResponsibly.com 


25 8 HEINEKEN |.ager Baer. Heineken USA inc, While Pan, 9 


+ " 
‘na 
= 7 


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eater _ ff | 
T WANTED ~ 


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r= - ————S ES ee Se = —SS eee ~~? 
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ast time we saw Amy Smart in 
a Crank movie, she was having 
crazy, aldrenalized sex with Jaan 
Statham on the mean streets of 
Clhinatown to cheers from gawk: 
ing locals. How can anything in 
the sequel possibly top that? “Well, my charac- 


ter has become even more sexually liberated,” 
Amy says of her role in Crank: HighVoltdgé, “so 
she decides to give pole dancing a shot.” Yes, 
in a bit of female empowerment, the former 
put-upon girlfriend has become a stripper. 


40 MAXIM © M4 2009 


The newfllick sees the stunning starofdude- 


friendly flicks such as Road Trip, The Buretetih 


Effed, and Just Fiiends reprising her role as Eve, 
the main squeezeofStatham'scharacter. Inthe 
original Cuok—Qne of 2006's biggest action 
moviess—he was injected with a “Beijme cock; 
talV that would kill him if his pulse dropped 
too low. At the climax (spoiler alert!) Statham 
falls out of a helicopter, crashes on a car, and 
bounces onto the pavement. Wondering how 
in the hell there can be a sequel? “Everybody 
I've told about Crank2 asks me the same ques- 


. 
— 





tion,” Amy explains. “People think he died, but 
he actually survived.” And how does that work, 
exactly? Heart transplant? Visit from a maka 
lous televangelist? “I don't want to give it 
awaty—it’s toocoal!” As forhowshe feelsabout 
acting opposite a bunch ofsweaty dudes, Amy 
hi§no problem with it. “It’s definitely a boys’ 
club, and there's lots of testosterone,” she 
laughs, “but that's what's sofun about making 
these movies."-GiujCinibalo 


Crank: High Voltage hits theaters April 1? 


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[FILL YOUR INNER EMPTINESS WITH MATERIAL GOODS) 


he Fisker Karma might seem a pipe dream of crack-hufting propor- 
tions: a plug-in luxury hybrid from the creator of the BMW Z8 and 
the Aston Martin Vantage fora mere $87,g007 Yet Henrik Fisker, CEO 
of the Orange County—based start-up, assures us that his lithium- 
battery baby will leap from drawing board to driveway by Christ- 

mas. His namesake sedan slaloms neatly around the major obsta- 
cle to.all other electric cars—limited range. Everyone loves the planet, but no one 
wants to be stranded on it when the juice runs dry, especially when the GPS reads 





Electric Feel 
Introducing the 














lfmore the joker esque Dat-eating grin 
across the front. Focus instead on the 
Fiskoor’s Scarlett johansson curves. 


valleys. and stretched-cat PROpOrtions. 





Fisker s dream team of design 
veterans from BMW. GM, and Porsche 
have taken exotic inoks, performance. 
and practicality and wrapped it allina 
green bow. “We want people to say, 
‘Wow, what was that sexy thing?” 
Fisker says. “Then they'll realize i 
goes fast and gets over 100 mpg 


4? MAXIM © MAY 2009 








Although ' will Tun Gn CLUTeNt most 
of the time. the Karma's gas-powered 


assist comes from an unlikely source: Its 


wae: ‘Cylinder, 2.0-liter Ecotec turbo is 

borTowed from the Chevrolet Cobalt $5 
Yer that stout 2b0)-horsepowet engine 
Renerates enough jure to spin two 
electric motors at 403 horsepower and 
955 Ib.-ft. of torque. The rear wheels 
respond with a 5.6-second squirt to 
60 mph and a 125 mph top speed. This 
thing eats Priuses for lunch 

















Juice Box 


Your battery -draining 450- watt 
subwooter and LED ground effects 

will iil] the Karma's range in no time. 
+0 Fisker developed a complex curved 
tolar- paneled roof. Photovoitax ceils 
inside help power the aucio system and 
Otfwer accessomes, generating enough 
electricity to add 200 miles a year in 
additional range, Conversation starter. 
Press the solar-powered lighter. spark 
up a Mariboro, and with all seriousness 
declare that you re saving the Earth. 










iw THe GROGlT GAP AGE Wannacapture your fast, furious parallel-parking maneuvers in POV 
video and let the world watch on YouTube? We did, so we tested the Motorsports HERO Wide ($200), 

a tiny weatherproof digital yid-cam that affixes to your car's body via a strong suction cup. Its footage 
looks surprisingly crisp—and its 56-minute memory let us bore our girlfriend to tears. goprocamera.com 


Abner history or the 
eieCcTnc automobile 


small gas engine fires up to generate more current and extend its one-tank span to — thes firet iaetiiercas 

300 road-trippin’ miles. While the Karma stretches nearly as long asa Mercedes with atop spetiiotl 14 
S-Class, its space-saving electric hardware freed Fiskerto pen low-slung, suggestive nO Sent we eee 
curves. The styling and green cred give the Fisker magnetic power as well: Starlets, 
hippie chicks, and eco-cuties—the kind who scorm dinosaur-fueled Corvettes and 
their fossilized owners—will surely be drawn directly into the passenger seat. Just 


nail the throttle, name-drop DiCaprio, and feel the electricity flow.—Lawrence Ulrich 


NEWARK. 50 the Fisker covers the first 50 miles on electricity alone, atwhich point a 


pe wo = SS aes 
om faces Arsve 


Alectric taxis rule the 
streets of N.¥.C, Furiny 
smell actually comes 
trom Burnt battenes, 
not cabbies 


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The dark a} Snes Wha 

walitsan electric Wat 

witen @aS is 19¢ and 

Caritines lodk fia Nowy 
mupsr 


1 
ae 


AViET0E ah der (aticar 

Oniy in adawntum can 
a Godrseon-styled elec- 
erecear feMnenote ll! all 


healirvires this soon! 


GM manufactures the 
EV1 plus-in modell After 
essees profess lolé fibt 

Gyn les amd 


auery lact one 
EVE Y iast UDE 


Karma Chameleon 
lf there's still 25 grand left in your Tesla, whose fully electnc- powered 
portiolio, you can plunk down a deposit a Roadster is finally trickling into the mar- 
on the Karma S$. a two-door retractable ket, paid Henrik Fisker a court-decreed 
hardtop version set to arrive in late 51.4 million for dragging himinona 
2011. Like the Karma sedan, the Scan be baseless charge of stealing company 
recharged with either household or 220- secrets (he was once a Tesla consultant) 
volt outlets, the latter delivering a full Fisker will zap Tesla again when his 
charge in roughly five and a half hours. electric car comes true, For $20,000 less, 
the Karma makes the Tesla look like an 
electric toad: It seats four plus cares, 
WHIDS Its driving range, and isnta slave 
to the nearest extension cord 


Cold Revenge 





ot a "1 i 

Georee and Hrac hissd 
7 — mes, oF -s i 

Bit ot Whitest tad 


trip ever recorded 


- 


Three New Late Excuses 


Tough Times * 


These rugged wristwatches pack tonseof features and face the t hatehest conditions 
TVG @Olm@alig@alia omOlelii<oh\ ole) 





5 GOFHmer 
T- Tout E enter tl 


ina Expedition WS 4. 
limex Expedition WS4 


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trae TReSTVIEUSa.con $5 UUntOWwa(Cnes com DOWered (eon esrn Kio 














AA maxim » May 2009 PHOTOGRAPH BY NICK FERRARI 











INTRODUCING THE ALL-NEW NISSAN Z 
Starting at $29,930. Raw power? Hardlly. The all-new Nissan 3702” is as well 
designed and crafted as it is exhilarating. Every detail works tO enhance the drive, 
from seats that firmly hold the driver to a steering wheel shaped for optimal grip. 
And with 332 horsepower, the Z proves performance is the greatest luxury of all. 
Lldok Closer. Nissan Delivers at NissanUSA.com: 
fea, salen $37,400, 3 re n "\ port Package, Prices are MSP os 


cic drink gine flee)" Ni 





BIME SEAT SNIFPERS REJOICE! The World Naked Bike Ride is coming. 
Freedom-loving, dlothes-hating cyclists throughout the Norther Heunis phere will tear 
through city stretts in the nudé on Saturday, June 1. In NLY.C it'll happen on June no. 
It’s not a race, but eunucing may have an aerodynamic adwantage, Wolkdnaktedibikenidicany 


SpIrU FF 





ake out your neon-paimtttplattered T-shirts: Mountain biking is 
bakii—amod it’s more extreme than ever, brah! But unlike the one- 
bike-suits-all days of the early ‘9)ts, the sport has splintered into 
specialized ¢ategories, and the bikes themselves have evolved 


Terrain! 
} 2 2 into highly targeted tools for trail riding, downhill bombing, and 
The mountain busting tricks in the city, We put miles of smiles on dozens of'09 


bdikebranches Out models before picking the three best bikes, and paired edch with a sweet riding 
| spot. You ¢an thank our lifeless ¢alfmusdes and numb groims'—Stan Horuczek 


- 









Tame Any 








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The Cross-Country Bike: Specialized FSR XOComp The Ride: Kingdom The Downhill Bike: Mongoose Boot'R 

Most dipaitiment store mountain bikes fit timdbr the cravss- Trails: VT Downhill is one of the most dangerous disciplines in 

oountry Gitegoty, but when you start ridin$ maratlion- Power your XC cycling, Mit its high speed pnarly terrain, and relative lack 
len¢th trails, youll want something that d6esn't fall apart machine through an of pedaling maké it arguably the most fun. To properly 

like A-Rogiinthepliayoffs, Weitiund.a good mix of epic 100-plus mls erjoy Mbmgoose's all-new gravity sled youll wart to fimd 
perfonmance ai valuein the FSR XC its 4.72 incHes of of East Codist terrain, a lift-assisted park. On the way down the hilll appreciate 
travel (stock absorption] allowed OW rkibss to plow over including everything the fact that each wiesd] has more than eight mecles of 
bumps, roots, and woodland creatures without sucking from scenic fire roads travel. thanks toa Man@ochil§88 RCV fork In the front and 
pedal -strokepower, But the featumeouw teSitdisciethe todicuible-black- maouse's free drive" syspersion in the back. Thesetup 
most is its extid -lnel top nibe, which prevented the néed for diamond nastiness, let 00 test Mens bash ower rocks the size of 1980s computer 





driwirid heme seated on an ice pack. SL 400 sp@Galized com kingdiomtidlisace monitors with relative ease S200), mongoungescon 





TORTURE TEST 


The Great Lock-O8F Which bike lock should you choose to defend your streamered Schwinn? 


The Hacksaw 

Twenty minutes of Sawing by our 
burly bike-thief-for-a-day couldn't 
defeat the two réetidiming locks. 





Nobody—except the bad euys-knows 
more about breaking bike locks than lef- 
endary NW.C. bike mechanic Hal Ruzal. So 
we asked him to grade three New ones: 
OnGuard Dobdtman 5030 ($35) 
Ruzal clipped it in GO seconds. -It's cheap 
and light, but certainly swdks,: he says. 
Kfyptonite New York Fahfetta- 
bDwdit ($235) Like a grizzled Mafia don, 
this lock withstood everything short Of 

a 20-second angle grinder attack, ‘it's 
tough but heawy;: says Ruzal, 
“WINNER* OnGuard Brute STD ($70) 


ONGUARD 
DOBERMAN 
5030 


KRYPTONITE 





| | Proved to be a tough bastard before 

a Bolt Cutters The Angle Grinder finally succumbing to the angle Brimder. 

= * These dippers couldn't harm the Only the most committed thiwes "For the price it's shocking how good this 
a & chain or U-lboks but lopped the usetthis, but no honk ig safe. It lock is,* said Rial, before riding off on Our 


cable lock in two, Bobbar apile! sliced both locks in 20 seconds. wheels, ~Steve Mazzucctu 





=) 


LOC WS, MCC ACPA el [bails COL Lie 


MAP QWEST Ymuooulldspénd tso00n a bike computer 
with GPS capabilities—or you could make your iPhone act 
like one for just $4! Motion X-GPS (download it in the app 
store) displa}/§ live topo maps and tiacks distance and speed. 


THE MTB 70R FAT-ASSES Being a rotund dude is no lonir an excuse 
not to hit the trail, Kona's aptly named Hoss mountain bike's buitly wheels, 
thick aluminum frame, and crankset will take all the stress of a }oo-pound 
man baffeling toward Shoney'son buffet night. from $109, hemailiiild. can 





THE INSTANT UPGRADE 























The Blinding Headlight The BombproofHelmet — The Mongeeky Shoe 
EvenMa wollld beQK with Use this brain bucket's NottaDoytling footwear is 
you making midmight beer prarly gramonics to builit7orshiny Spase-ase 
runs on your hike if it was intimidate other ridens- biettools. This styahkM, flat- 
equiiiived with tis it Will helpdistuaacttthem footed urbanfirestide shoe 
rechargeable LEiannp, from your wobbly-kneed help riders nil trlichks by 
elit & Motion Stele Tan, ineweb. Giro Remecty, sticking to the pedals. Si7- 
$1301 baxkboomdr)/onm FUME IGOR "eCy AMO, S10. shimanoaom 





The Ride: North- The Urban Freetidé Bike: Giant STP 5S The Ride: Ray's, 
star, Tahoe, CA Dont live near amountain? Not a problem. Essentially Cléveland,OH 
Drag your diavnhill prown-up BMX bikes, Littan freeride rigs like the STP SS are A warehouse filled 
fig t6 the biggest litt built to transform ho-hunnaity routes mto tick-studded with 103,000 square 
assisted trail syetem tinmill Tite. thaws to rigid lightweight frames and feet Of trichavantiny 
in the country: Its geometries that make it éasy to get air anywhere {see cur terrain makes Ray's 
LiveWire trail drops humny-Hop tutorial below), We likethesingle-speed the ultimate pilgrim- 
1,100 feet and has shomplicitty of the STF SS-and its strange ability to set even age fOr uoban free- 
45 jumps t@ poo your cunmuasteantiibeuod test rider off the eroonil. We thimtits riders, New for ‘09 
panits over, ndvith 4ii/Spension fork and disc brakes just might have kept him isa beginners’ room, 
Starattalioe.com out of the hospital, $920 glant-beydiesanm rayarnitb.com 









ASI THE BIKE DICK: ZACH BLACKBURIN 


| Start idling at a comfortable pace 
and ¥et yourself into attaak posi- 
tion: knees and dlhows slightly bent 
and eves faeing firward, not dowm. 





0! Have you ever lost your shit overa 
bike Somlsme brought into the shop? 
A: Today a guy walks In our store (Track- 
star NYC) with an ‘82 royal blue Somet 
track bike. Italian as acannali stain on an 
Armani suit. just beautiful. Oi, wiit-that 
was mel Sorry, that’s my bike! 





| Bend your anns and knees so 
: your body dips forWatd, then 
unload upward and slightly back to 


Q: What's Worse, cars Of potholes? unweigiti the front whéel. Spting up. 


A: Trick Question! Answer: pedestrians 





& To get the bax whee) off the 


Q! Is doping running rampant here? Recordholder Jett . Stound, pull the bars into your 

A: Tdon'tkmow what you're talking about. Lenosky can body and immediately push them up 
bunny-hop4Si/2 

QO: What would get us a deal? inches. He SUg If you diearEed the cwith, Jet 

A: Colifee before noon, introductions to “both wheels hil thé ground at 

yOlir cute, single friends in the aftermoon, gests you Start by the same time, If you didn't, please 

and beer after four, hopping the curb, apologize tO your testés for us. 


MAW200098 MAXIM 47 


7 
ei 
y= 








































Wheel Love 


Surprise her with a scooter and 4 
revive your romance, pronto. 4 





Your idea of a great 

date is meeting her 

at the Cheesecake 
Factory. catching a movie, 
Then Cruising home in 
your late-model Subaru 
Kind of afarery from that 
wild summer when you 
two metin Europe, right? 
Time to stoke her fire 
While you probably can't 
both relocate abroad, you 
can revive that old magic 
by giving her the Vespa 
9150. Amodem reinter- 
pretation of a classic, 
this sexy 150 ce scoote 
will remind her of your 
maccap acventures in 
Madrid and Rome-minus 
Etienne, that trashy son 
of a bitch she almost wen 
home with. lts four-stroke 
engine even Pets the 
$150 to 59 mph! Your 
next problem: deciding 
who gets stuck in back 


$4,199, vespausa.com 


ef ee 


. 
a 7. co | ie aire 
{ P f | : i " S| ee 


Sanjay the Safety Monitor says: 4 Baad Hear 4 Foot Loose 
 # ESCDEL DUT TEL Ine 00 Vay GOD nen in Trees 
WHAT'S WRONG 
WitTH THIS 
PICTURET 









AS MAXIM «© MAY 2005 PHOTOGRAPH BY ARTHUR BELEBEAU 











Newport, Newport (package design), Newport Mecium, Gold Spinnaker, Bile Spinnaker, Menthol Gold, Menthol 
Bile, Newport Pieasure and Newpor Spinnaker TM Lonilard Licensing Company LLC Reg, US. Pat. & Tm. Off 









SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING; Cigarette 
Smoke Oontains Carbon Monoxide. 


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Restricted to Aduit Smokers 31 or Older. 


— 
“© Lorillard 2009 = r . -_ | a 
Medium, Loh) and Ultra Light cigareties,do nol presenta 
fenuced risk of harm. See Waal Lonilard com for more ntornatior 


SET eR OG Se le! Gl’ LAI BLItstse 





We had five average guys re-create classic chick-flick seduction scenes in their own bedrooms. 


Which leading-man moves really work, and which crash and bunm? 


brooxling man sits in 4 deserted hotel bar, tinkling the ivories for dn akudience 
of busibays. Affter he finishes to isolated claps,a gorgeous woman striclesover 
to him. Heasks everyone to leave the room. He pitks thewoman up, lays her 
across the top ofthe piano, and proceeds to have his way with her. 

The scene, from Pratity oman, has probably made your girlfriend swoon. 
It's alsocompletely absurd. Ifyou tookyourladytoa piano bar, played aweepy 
song, and then asked everyone to scram so you could bone her, she'd kick you in the bails. 
Wouldn't she? Could a mere mortal bringa woman to herknees with such acheesyshitiick? To find 
out, we hired five intrepid reporters to duiplicalte legemdldry seductions from five flicks, Read on 

to learn which work and which should be left to a handful of drastically overpaid short guys, 





91/5 Weeks =f 
- “MAXIM'S © 
t TAKE 

7 


I / 
P| ' 
ve 
\ 


The Scene: John (Mickey Rourke) tells his lover, Elid#ibth—a smoking-hot, pre-Raldwin Kim 
Basinger—to close her eyes alnd slide down to the floor in front ofhis open refrigerator. He then 
tantalizes herwith foods sweet (strawberries, Jell-D), savory (haltickimilied egg, pasta), and bizarre 
(Vicks cough syrup), like a guy working the free Salmples.at the world’s homiest Costco. 

The Attempt: My girlfriend is suspicious when she sees me handlingfoad. Ido not cook. Andif! 
did, 'probably wouldn't make too many dishes involving both hard-boiled eggs and Jell-O. She 
asks me what I'mdoing.! put on my gruffest, most Rourkian voice: “Close youreyes.” She dases 
hereyes. “Now slide down to the floor.” She smiles—shies goinwaliomg with it! ‘Suddenly, lam 
Mickey Rourke: hard-charging, virile, and bat-shitlim&dne, but, like, in a way chicks appreciate. 
The Reaction: Once the cherries come out, the dream is over. [spoon two, dripping with tasty 
syrup, into my girlfriend's mouth. “Are you trying to do a 9'/; Week$ thing?” she asks. Would 
Mickey Rourkeanswer? He'd grunt, maybe. | grunt. “I'm gonna get up—tihe flooflsczaltl]” she Salys, 
getting up. plead wittihherto stay put, at least for theJell-Q. “Wecan make out if you want, but | 
don’twanttodoit on the kitchen floor." We ditch the ediblesand lamely grope each otheron the 
couch, Mickeywould not approve. 

The Verdict: Try it only ifyou're hungrier than you alfe hommy. Though you have to love a sex act 
that comes with leftovers.—Mlirk Thompson 








Titanie (1549) 
The Scene: Artist-vagalbond Jack (laeondido 
DiCaprio) sketches engalged sociallite Rose 
(Kate Winslet) in her stateroom. She wears 
nothing but a massive blue-diahnond necklace 
(which she stupidly drops into the ocean dec- 
ades later:’$ an old lady). AftaWald they have 
sex ina car in the ship's cargo hold. 
The Attempt: At ii P.M. on a Saturday, my 
wife, Ana, is showering and getting ready for 
bed. When she emerges from the bathroom, 
I'm holding a sheath of 
multipurpose printing * 
paperanda red pen. we §¥ 
laid the foundations for Whe 
tonight ‘Ss attempt at se- 
duction bysketchimgher | 
throughout theday. Mist 
ofthese efforts have been met with criticaldis- 
dhin, such 4; “Willll resemble a woman next 
time, instead of an obese, cross-eyed Buwk?" 
Forthe final portrait, shedisrobes, jumps into 
bed, and pulls the comforter up to her chin. | 
ask her to tum toward me and push it down, 
towhich she replies plaiintively, “But it'swold!"'1 
tell her it'll only take aminute—mystyleis very 
impressionistic: “It better be,” she grumbies. 
The Reaction: After three aborted attempts— 
head too big, screwed up foreshortening, pro- 
portions off—I think I've got a winner. Sur- 
priSingly, Ana likes it, “Aw, homey,” she Saiys, 
“you've made my boobs big! Now come to 
bed!" glance at the street where I've parked 
my 1993 Ford Tempo in antiicipaltion of this 
moment, ([ even got the backseat detailed.) 
But it's fucking freetimg outside, and the bed 
is warm, Plus, she’s already naked. set abide 
the drawing, put the rest of the paper back in 
the printing tray, and join her foran evening of 
this-shifkOUld-Sndiown-tonight sex. 
The Verdict: Extremely tough to pull off. First, 
forget the car. If you're successful in getting a 
wonmn to undress in one location, having 
herre-dress atid move toanother is just plain 
stupid. Second, drawing is tricky. A less-than- 
flattering sketch will signify eitherthat you're 
untalented or that you think she's a stubby- 
legged, big-headed dwarf. However, if you 
somehow manage to make a portrait that’s 
not wildly insulting, you get cred as a dreamy 
artist type—a type that, apparently, gets laid. 
JoshullDavidSteiti a3 





MAY ?009 « NAIM 51 





Risky Business 





Moore) has trouble easing in her yoo0- 
squtdte-foot loft, she takes toher potter's wheel 
{0 spin yet another useless vase. Boyfiriend 


Sam (Patrick Swayze) AMO 


- sidles up behind her— 


| flattens her creation as 
he guides her hands to 
| shapeacrudeclay choad 
from the remains. As 
theirjukeboxcroons, sloppy artwork becomes 
slippery dlay-sex. 
The Attempt: First I strip down t6 my jeans 
and dosome push-~ups-eight and a half, 0 be 
exiCt—topummpmyjpecs toSwayze status. Then 
linvite my girlfriend into my improvised crafts 
studio, where a piano bench andadinnerplate 
with a lump of red clay atop a swiveling stool 
await. | hit#Afon the stereo. As the Rigthteous 
BrothéiS begin towarble "Unchained Melody,” 
she giggles, immediately recognizing my fee- 
ble re-cneation. Still, can tell she's excited as I 
straddle her on the bench. 
The Reaction: To my delight, she fashions a 
gigantic phallus from the clay, just aS our film 
counterpants did. Stroking the faux member 
quickly arouses her luSf and leads to gooey. 
red-handed fondling. Wesoon discovertheday 
makes a nice body lube, though it gives off 
powerful fumes. (Word tOthewise: Don't clap 
out t and buy two pounds of “air-tandening 
uilellimen diay” for $6.99. Not only does it reek 
of seankked beerand pdimt thinnerbut the *air- 
hardening” feature made herceramic member 
hard well before I was.) Undeterred by the 
stench, we take the action to the floor for a 
sticky, sloppy climax. 
The Vendikt: TOlially exhilarating—as long as 
you don’t minda week's worth ofdeanup and 
cheapclay caked in every orifice of your body. 
—KkaittNisschiler 











Some scenes rejected for this starry. 


Angel Heart Sei Gonéried in 





dhickét blood. Salmooelta bert! 


A History of Violence Borderline 
rapey sex ona staircase 











iang® li Paris Afal ses 











THe Muppet Talod Manhattan 
Porkiig a pik a 


52 MAXIM «= MAY2009 





| shirtless, naturalliy—and ‘Qijjeeeeeienes 





Top Gun (1226) 

The Scene: After a totally Avt gay afternoon of 
shirtless volleyball with his flyboy buddies, 
Mawenickd(ThomtCiui sed peal izesdine's late for din- 
ner with Charlie (Kelly 
MoGillis)—again, wf gay, 
because it's short for | 
Charlotte. He shows up 
toherhousedrendiedin @& 

sweat, and after she de- *++* 

nies his request to use 

her shower, they eat. When she offers herself 
to him for dessert, he...dedlimes. Nope, iit gay. 
His idea is to leave her in a panting, sexually 
frustrated heap on hercouch so she'll pine for 
their next encounter. See} Not gay! 

The Attempt: Unlike Maverick, my goal is to 
actually have sex. However, there's not a whole 
lot of beach volleyball being played in Brook- 
lyn in March, so instead 1 don a snug: fitting 
white V-meck Hanes tee and mun to my girl- 
friend's house, where she's cooking for us. 














The Scene: Unrealistically hot hooker Lama 
(Rebecca De Mornay) gives nerdy high school 
senior Joel (Tom Cruise) the rideofhis lifeona 
deserted, late-night Chicago E] train. 
TheAttempt: In the movie Lanatells Joel about 
her train-to-O-Town plans up-front. So after 
dinner anda few drinks, I broach thet@pic. She 
goes forit immediately, and we're giddy with 
anticipation by the timewe hopan 11F.M.com- 
mutertrain from Manhattan back tothe burbs. 
We jiick a rear car, where fewer riders sit, and 
choose seats against the restroom wall so we 
can keepa lookout in front without being spot- 
ted from behind. She stealthily removes her 
stockings and underwear, and about 40ecf 
dating minutes later, when the ¢ar has emijp+ 
tied 10 just a couple of sleepy passengers. 
we get to work: | unbutton my fly, she hikes 
up her skirt, we drape her coat across ourselves 
for cover, and she slides herself onto my lap 
reverse-cowgiri-style. 








The Reaction: Abject terror. It would take a 


lot more than one phone call to explain this if 
we got arrested. Affter a few thrusts (elapsed. 
time: about five seconds), we've hademough. 
She climbs down and finishes me offwth an 
undeNitee-coat HJ, but only afterI promise to 
see all three Twilight sequels with her. 

The Verdict: Thrilling in a scary-sexy way, but 
probably best left toactual hookersand drunk- 
en foolsdesperate to spice uptheirdreary sub- 
urban existences. Oh, wait.—Patrick Estel 


Luckily, she lives several miles away, so bythe 
time ]show up, I'm both late fordinner and dis- 
turbingly sweaty. 

The Rediction: She's more annoyed about the 
sweat than the tardiness. In an attempttodiis- 
tract her, [hook my iPod to her stereo and put 
on Berlin's “Take My Breath Away,” because it's 
the Top Gun love theme. And because it's so 
hauntingly beautiful. [begin to putthe moves 
on her, but she'S not havingit. “Um, even your 
shins are sweaty,” she informs me. Still, she’s 
powerless (OresiSt my musicycharms, andsug- 
gests we take a shower together. When I ask 
her to “soap up the highway to my danger 
zome” she looks at me blankly-—-but the 
shower is quite enjoyable nonetheless. All 
clean, we tumble into bed and seal the deal. 
The Verdict: If you have a need—a need for 
speedi—don’'t attempt the TapGun method; it 
takes way toogoddamned long. But the calo- 
ries you'll burn will get you in great shape for 
the vOlleyball season.—Ky Hemiliiivth & 














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Can Get” 


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miles 


Life’s aPitch 


BY LORENZO CARCATERRA 





ILLUSTRATION BY KAGAN MCLEOD 





The autihorrof Sleepers on the 26 minutesof heaven and hell that could make you a millionaire. 


he room is where it all hap- 
pens. If you are a wniter or a 
producer trying to score a 
deal in Hollywood, you afe 
nothing if you can't win it all 
in the room. It is where a for- 
tune cain be made or what was thoughtito be a 
great idea is ground into fine dust in less than 
20 minutes, including the cheery hellos and 
the muted goodbyes. Careers are made in the 
room, reputations are shimmiedand polished, 
and then, when it heads south, it is the place 
where once in-demand writers and producers 
are shunned; ifthey ave rbleFited (0.4t all, itis in 
the pist tense. You either live in the room or 
you die there. There is no middle ground, only 
the magical wonder of a big salt or the silent 
haze that follows asour meeting. 

Anything that is seen on a screen, big or 
smail, begins in the room, and it all starts with 
thepitch—azominutestotellthestory youwant 
to sell in {mont of an audience of studio/net- 
work executives and their noteolaking assis- 
tants.The pressure is intense; the odds heavily 
stacked against asale. (Quick math: You areone 
of 10 pitches they'll heartiat day—one of 2,400 





they'll hearin ayedf competing forthe 1200r so 


Fomier New York City detective SonnyGtos- 


deals nmade.)Acomegth astiflddqawwya shaiug,és is so, who inspired The French Comiiéi(ttion, has 


all it can take to kill the momentum ofa pitch 
and seal its doom. 
llovethe room. ItismyWegas, my chance to 
goin with empty pockets andcomeout closing 
aipiisilestnaight leaving witha seviehdigure 
deat anfipyrbatinpackat, by pexscial favorite 
piicosebia shony ismohendonks ater has heriter 
MBisiilnstinchanchoowBgisinaatdamention 
Shiesw ant Jars sami with a story about a 
Piesidentialcandidata whahasan affabowith 
aromdtati alacual<cew hoinkthatasratnange, 
damented, fanny may bed for jrstieaiy: Gad? 
Wedlaguess what? Someone liked it enough to 
payor ebaliimitiondse. Or just really bad? 
Wainmepitchiaes Singsdnvolneamttersjump- 
opanniuedas thevitictefang, intricate stories, 
bus baesepitehegeedary saathatwent dawap- 
comals | Withey fatchitey Hhinmevie veosion 
bf iagnet produces Pawids Peanut rsilvonly 











machendntitherqorohsabdbe mad wap n 


bummed,” Puod deeduba dant erhinere xe juby 
lodkeskut hiro aneisaich “No to bavencetonds 
ANG Hyves 4 ome deadaim dum."The exec just 
lodkdoesn talwrysae sapDOOt Bn se<onds 


been producing films and television and 
working the room for more than 30 years, He 
knows the dark side. “I WaS going in with Bill 
Persky, who directed Katte & Allie, among Other 
shows," he says. “Affiter we got our hellos out 
ofthe way, Bill Said to the executives, ‘Sonny 
hasaterrific idea for ashow, and Ill let him tell 
you,’ Nice, solid introduction, I lean forward, 
really pumped, and begin by saying, ‘Early in 
my life [was taught three important words, 
and thilVe never forgotten those three words: 
Kmow thyself.’ Bill ¢fosses his legs, glances 
out awindow, and says, ‘Sonny, théSeare only 
twowords.' I looked at him, stared at the exec- 
utives, sat back, and didn't say another word 
forthe rest of the meeting.” 

Like maih writer-producers, Peter Gethers, 
president ofRandom House Films, has walked 
intothe roomwith Oi idea and leftwith some- 
thingcompletely different: “I had an idea fora 
show athowt three friends just out of college 
who meet up with a down-on-his-luck detec- 
tive, and the foarform a private-eye agency. My 
partimenattthetimeandIcalledit Heroes. By 3+ 


1G'le MAXIM SS 


XO 








No gut. All glory. 





No Sugar. Maximum Taste. 





the end of the pitch, it had turned into three guys who work in 
adiner and get involved in people's lives, My partner said, ‘Per- 
fect. Except now thetitle refensto the sandwiches, not the char- 
acters.’ We both got fired from the project shortly after.” 

As the economy changes and vehicles for delivering enter- 
tainment evolve, so does the room, Lou Pitt, a one-time agent 
who has represented the likes of Amold Schwarzenegger and 
Brice Lee and is now hedd of management company the Pitt 
Group, Ssiys, “There abe more buyers alad walys to get films 
made todaythan there were 30 yeaS ago, Independent films 
have changed the landscape ofhow things are made, Studios 
were more self-contained bdck then, and they took a lot more 
risks than they do today. And, while cautious, they were less 
risk-adverse then than they are now." 

Any agent will tell you there are fewer big production deals 
out there, butthat's sort ofthe fun part—fiinding the right proj- 
ect and giving the perfect pilCh to make those deals happen. 

Iwas 36years old before I got my first shot at the room. By 
then, after a number of years covering entertainment for a 
range of magazines and newspapers good and bad, had heard 
most of the storiess-some of them legendary, none of them 
verifiable, all ofthem making me desperate to get in there: 


¢The writer who paused in mid-pitch to notice that not only 
was the top executive in the roomasleep but his assistantalso 
had her head down and had nodded off. The writertumed to 
his agent sitting at his side for help and guidance. Hisagent had 
his head against a plush cushion and was also sound asleep. 


«The writer who was interrupted by a studio executive and 
asked, “Have we met before today?” 

The writershook his head and said, “No, fdon'tthink so." 

“But [know your name, and not just from your work,” the 
executive said. “Go on, keep pitching, it'll come to me.” 

Five minutes later, it did. “I nemember now.” thheeseecuttiive 
said, jumping¢to his feet. “You used to fuck my wife, back when 
she was still acting and living in the valley. Am J right?” 

“Yes,” the writer saidcalmlly. “Buittto be complet’ yujp-front, 
Iwasn't the only one. There were three other guys whocamein 
here to pitch last week, and kknow they each fucked her, too. 
Ifyou let that get in the way, you won't ever buy anything." 


e There is a writer known for her eccentric behavior, bad tem- 
per, and vast well oftalent. Shecompleted awell-planned, well- 


= THE DOS OF PITCHING 


Your cheat sheet to a$3 million deal. 


“THis wort be like Deja \ll—this will be a time-travel movie 
people will want to See,” tQ time executive who greendighted Deja 


wf Go to IMOB.com. A minute Of research goes a kiA@oway. Saying, 
0 will send you in a time warp badk t0 your jatbat McDonald's. 


uf” Have a look. If you've written a street-smart, | 
eriay senipty leckthéqert ae aia'n come in i « 
(eendrip fiis-frepsli¢ndeass ApRiSHipgeétion a) 
| FUSHPSE Qritten a musical about pirates.) | 
if you'lte written a musical about pirates.) 


cba i lees ie fi thay Wha mld 
nt en strencyed inflbpow/eet thedeal, Have a corhpilimeritary 


wf Avoid hitting on the hot assistants in the waiting area. 
Murfrard CaN CUPetbrdages EdielAge,H. ......complimentary 





executed pitch and then uncrossed her legs, leaned acrossthe 


coffee table, and rested one hand on a network executive's Th 5 TI rst re Tay CO | cl 


knee. “] know what you're thinking, she purred. 


“What's that?” the executive Said. si ) 

“Your beth inking, | would much ratherfuck her than buy her TO r ry) i rn = 
pitch,” she sdid. “Telllthe tmth. fm right, aren't I?fi 

“Ni” the executive said. “You are very far removed from 
being right.” 

“You want to fuck me,” sheinsisted, ignoring theculd stares 
amd stunned expressions. “Don't beshy. Just admit it.” 

“| don’t want to fuck you,i fhe executive said, removing the 
writer's hand. “Not today and not ever. 'm gay dnd very happy 
with thepartnerin mylife.” 

“In that case,” the writer said, “we're back to my pitch.” 

“No, we aren't,” the executive said. “That did get fucked." 

That particularpitch meeting ended nearly 1Oyearsago, and 
thewriter has not sold anything in the room since. 


The room has a memory; the stories that happen within its 
walls live decades after the idea pitched has been forgotten, 
which adds to its allure and mystique. Mly best moment in the 
room occurred in the springofzo0o1, when Ipitched the movie 
rights to a book [had yet to write, ly entertainment lawyer 
contributed perhaps the greatest log line in history: “Onphans 
against Nawiss Orniimanswiin." 

But [have tasted failure more times than I can remember 
and have made my own small contribution to the folklore of 
the room. During one pitch at a studio, one of the women in 
the room stood up about halfway through my presentation, 
Cluttcthedlherstomacth, amd threw upalloverthe meanmdiuoifee 
table. Her partner smiled and said, “Amd just when you were 
getting to the good part.” 

- [found out a few weeks later that she was pregnant. I got 
a nice note from her and even sent a gift when the baby was 
bom. But on that day] grabbed my complimentary bottle of 
water and slowly made my way out With my manager, feeling 
dejected and rejected. “Mdaybeyou should have puked, tom’ my 
manager said. “Might have won her overtoour side.” 

“Tt was a disaster,” I said. “They weren't into it before she 
puked. All she did was seal the tunn-down." 

My manager pointed tothe bottles of waterwe each held in 
our hands. “Nothing is ever a total loss,” he said. “No matter 
what happens, you always get to keepthe water. Don’t ever for- 
get that: You always get to keep the water. ” ® 


DON'TS OF PITCHING i 





Dea 
Don’t eat Maxican. There is mOre than One ee | 
sidry of S6mepne whO gainibled and lost in “ap 
their shorts, Execs donittakekindlytoyourass ggg § 
patting thethoauco's SthSchpahe aocthe test. ar 


test. 


Don’t enter the room while bleeding from your nose. Let's 
Hehputbthe cahchedorm wbihoble ba'y phoney tou develop the 
onpplingthogobedatay habit aftdreey sigrptheYacrdétivd op ree 
onciptendss DstoidH:lay habit after you sign the 11ICI"Stve thr..... 
picture deal, stupid. 





When someone makes a comment you don’t 

Mies don 'hunzp poke pantsiandméeg on ton 't 

fleorioprotesh Pbarspand atdqedeomypreom | 

PeShid yaorsrell mye be bemestyice for any room PEPS| MAX and the Peo: 








Oecedlette lace slip 
Wolford tii -falshs 









Her unique combination of girl-next-door 
_~.._—s smile, sinfully SEX‘ body, and plum roles in 
¥ hit projects has kept 
od jennifer Love Hewitt at the top of the 
ae - Hollywood heap 
SsY¥4 LAL .Y for more than a decade 


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Behold as ourgeneration's ©“ ° 
hottest starlet evokes screen 








RAPHS BY JAMES WHITE 


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SOC ZS SRE ERER SEB EEE SF BOC BED 


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FANMGIRAL 


Yes, guys. Jennifer 
even lovessd-fi and 
horror flicks. Her faves: 


TRE OMOW (1975) 
“There's nothing better 
in ahorror mevie than a 
creepy kid. Creepy kids, 
doll; atid diowmns are 
the scaniet thimgs in thé 
world. The litle boy 
in The Oren is 
just terrifying,” 


RETURN OP 
TRE JEDI (1983) 
“T's al about thé Ewes. 
| love those little thimgs! 
Plus, you'we St Chew- 
bitca and R2-Dz. Are 
you kidding It’s so cool! 
Definitely gets vd vote 

over Star [i 


TRE SMIKIN6 
(1980) 

“Being ina hotel in the 
middie éf HOWiedrd, that 
would turn ire into not 

thé nicest persam.|l don't 
think ['d go quite to the 
extoeme Jack Nicholson 


does, though,” 


WEIRD SCIEMCE 
IUDs ) 
“Between this and Sik- 
teen Candies, | had a thing 
fer Anthony Michael Hall. 
And Kelly LeBrock was 
thé hottest ever. Who 
didn't want to be her?" 


60 maxim « MAvianos 





HERE ARE PRECIOUS FEW THINGS WE CAN 
count on these days. Baseball heroes turn out 
to be juiced-up posers, 401(k)s vanish into thin 
air, and even our beloved Linens 'nThings has 
gone tothat bigstripmiall in the sky. Thank God, 
then, for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ever since she hit 
the big time on Fox's orphanfest Party of Five in 1995, the 
gorgeous Texan has held the attention of mankind the 
world over. Her starring roles in the I Know What You Did 
Laut Summer series of slasher flicks and the teen comedy 
Can't Hordly Wait only solidified her claim as Hollywood's 
most desired actress. 

l adbe@ide, and thetihnme-time Maximcover 
girl is still on top. Since it premiered in 2005, her other- 
worldly series Ghost Whispenf has been a raliiings juggernaut 
for€BS. Playinga spiritual medium whocan communicate 
with the dead, Jennifer helps troubled ghouls take care of 
their unfinished business on Earth. Of course, being such 
a high-profile hottie makes Jennifer fodder fortabloids and 
blogs that follow herewery breakup and make-up. Recent- 
ly, Oifer a twoo-ye@lr relationship, the Love of our lives has 
become a single woman again. Glory, glory hallelujah! 








YOU'RE PART OF AN ELITE GROUP OF ACTRESSES WHO HAVE 
GRACEO THEMAXAVCIOWER THREE TT MES. ARE WE DATING? 
Yes, [think $0! You know, each shoot has been unique, be- 
cause I've been three different ages and at three different 
stages in my life. [just turned 30, so,asI get older, [want to 
have proofthiait at one point Iwas kind ofhot. 





YOU GAN SHOW YOURGRANOKIDS YOU WEREONCEABABE. 
Exactly! It's nice to have the Maxims of the world out there, 
becallise youl can look at them when you're 80@Gind be like, 
“See? No, really, Jwas cute, [promise!” 





YOU SURVIVED YOUR TEENS ANO TWHEHITIES DESPITE BEING 
ACHILD STARR-WITHOUT EVEN ONE PUBLIC MEUDOWN OR 
TRIP TO REHAB. HOW DID YOU DO IT? 

I'm verydose with my family, so [always had them to keep 
me grounded. Even though Hollywood is great, when you 
go home and you're doing the laundry and taking out the 
cat box, that stuffis more important. 


ARE YOU INTO YOUR PARTY OF RYECOSTAR MATTHEW FOX’S 
SHOW LOST? DO YOU ASK HIM WHAT THE HELLIS GOING ON? 
[like the show, butit's really hard forme towatch; you have 





to follow sodlosdly. So, no, [don’t bother him, although I've 
had otihesppeQple ask me to. But I'm not going tocall Mat- 
thew for the first time in three years and be like, “Give me 
the secrets of your show!” That's crazy. 


WHAT ABOUT YOUR SHOW7I18 If APREREQUISITE FOR Aull 
GHOST WHISPERERS TO BE VERY HOT? 
Weill I:guess it is. 


WHAT GHOSTS ARE GOING TO WANT TO COME OUT TO TALK TO 
THE LITTLE OLD LADY FROM POUTGR6ES RIGHT? 
Exactly—you've got to give them something! 





DO YOU GET FANS WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN 
COMMUNICATE WITH THEOEAD? 

All the time. It's sometimes funmy, sometimes scary, and 
other times it’s heartbreaking, because I can't helpthem. 


o0 YOU'LL BE AT, UME, THE GROCERY STORE AND PEOPLE WILL 
ASK YOU TO TALK TO DEAD PEOPLE? 

At the grocery store, getting cough syrup at the drugstore, 
wherever. I'll have people come up and go, “Listen, my 
grandmother just passed away, you've gotta help me!" I'm 
like, “I'm just getting lettmce. [can't help you.” 


DOYOU EVER MESS WITFHHIEMAND SAY, “OH, WATT, I'M 
GETTING AWESSAGEFROM GRANDMA: LEAEJAANIFER 
LOVE HEWITT ALONIEY” 

Hai! No, [should try that next time. 


NOW THATYOU'RE SINGLE, GAN YOU TELL US WHAT AGUY 
HASTO BOTOWIIN YOUR HEART? 

The two biggest things are being trustworthy and fummy. 
Humor doesn't fade. If you're a funny person, you will 
always be a funny person. You're not just going towake up 
one day and be like, “I'm not funny anymore.” 


AND EVEN THAT WOULD BE KIND OF FUNNY. 
Thait would so make me laugh, exactly. 


WE HAVE ABIG STURY ON GEEK M@YVIES AND CULTURE IN THIS 
ISSUE. WHAT AREYOUR THOUGHTS ON- 
Lavwgeeks. 





gees. I'm all about geeks. They're fummy, so that's a 
big plus. Also, geeks are usiailly humble. They don't hawe 
to be the person in the room with the coolest shirt. 


WHATS YOU FRBIGGEST TURNOFF WHEN YOU'RE ON ADATE? 
Texting during dinmer. Maybe ifyou're a doctor it’sOK, but 
ifyou're not and your friend texts you, “Hey bro, what's up?” 
you should make the decision that I'm more important. 


ONE espiblbconsqnes WE HEAR THAT YOU LIKE T0 RELAX WITH A 
SUBBLIFRAT A! TRUE? 

Yes. Andn mynewthingis that lé 
wearing a tiara. 








says take my bubble baths 


BECAUSE YOU'RE ASe-YEAR-OLD ADIL. 
Ex@ttiy, because ll am a grownup who halthes in a tiatra. 
One that! got from Disneyland. > 





STYLING, TARA SWENNEN FOR THE WALL GROUP; HAIR, ROBERT VETICA FOR TRESEMME AT THEMAGNET 


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62 MAIKIM « MAY 2009 


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(thet page) Dream Society top 











i 
; 


He can cut arug or flay aface,He's tine "sexiest man alive" andahirsute mutant starring in 
the new X-Men Qngins; Wolverine, He's the anti-Russell Qrowe,But who is he, really? 


BY PHOEBE EATON PHOTOGRAPH BY MICHAEL MULLER 


X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE GOMES OUT THIS 
MONTH. MOST PEOPLE THINK WOLVERINES 

ARE WOLVES. BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLWTHE 
LARGEST LAND-DWELUNG MEMBERS OF 

THE WEASEL FAMILY. 

Are they officially weasels? That's not seasyy. 
Wolverine: The Rise Othe Weasel! 





DOES WOLVERIINE"MANSCAPE"? 

No. His hair is just wild and reskktes$, very 19705. 
Those ridiculous muttomchops! Idon't know 
why, but wheneverIdo these movies, the crew 
always ends up having a muttonchop compe- 
tition. On the las? X-Men, theconstruction crew 
all put money in, and -had to come and judge 
“best muttomchops.” 


DO YOU HIM ABIT YOURSALF? 
I shave my face, but fdon’t mamscdpe. Mbyold 
man does have a fair crop of ba€k hair, so I'm 
thinking that it might be genetic [asked my 
wite, Deb, tokeepaneyeon it. 


IN THE X-MEN FILMS, FAMKE JANSSEN’S JEAN 
GREY COMES OFF AS ADOMINATRIX. DOES THAT 
MEAN WOLVERINEIS THE SUBMISSIVE? 

J can't see him on all fours, to be honest. Or 
getting a spanking. He’s overtly tough and 
rugged. But maybe behind the bedroom door 
he’s wearing nappies or diapenss—or some- 
thing, you know, weird. 


DO YOU TIRE OF ADDRESSING THOSE GRAZY 
RUMORS THAT WOLVERINE IS GAY? 

Well, I think he has a very long history. He's 
actuailly over 100 years old, and maybe it was 
just a phase. 


WAT BRAND OF CIGAR DOES WOLVERINE LIKE 
TOSMOKE? 


Cohiba. You'll find him with a digar in his 
mouth a lot, but at no point is it lit. There's 
just too much pressure [from the politically 
eamect] for him not to smoke it. And actually 
it's a little diiched: Cigar equals tough guy. It 
feels like Acting 101. 


64 MAXIM » MAY OS 


DO WOLVERINE GROUPIES EXIST? 

At Comie-Con they do, en masse. But] run into 
themall overthe place: customecffiicials, Vinny 
the maitre d’ at Bubby’'s restaurant in Man- 
hattan. That guy’s entire back is oowered with 
a Wolverine tattoo. He took his shirt offin the 
middle of the restaurant to show me. Some 
fans think Wolverine had become too soft by 
X-Méfi3. Theywant him to be more badass. He's 
famous in the comic books for this berserker 
rage. I'm 6'3", but Wolverine was meant to be 
§'3". The comic has times when he just goes 
crazy and slaughters innocent people! 


WhHiddrs THEVIOST DANGER YOU'VE EVER 
AAEEDONASHI 

It’s really everybody else on the set who has 
to watch out. I've stabbed so many people by 
accident with my diaws, and) stabbed myself 
in this movie, in the thigh. 


YOWWEREGETTING UP AT 4A.M. EVERY DATO 
WORK OUT. THAWS PRETTY SERIOUS. 

[just saw Walbeenoagyebtrntbyywith my wife. She 
kept saying, “Whoisthat guy?" wanted himto 
look veiny andaninvdlsitic. I didn’twant him to 
look pretty. [wanted him to look disturbing, 
the way Robert De Niro did in Cape Fear. 


HOW DOES Al THEGYM GO OVER WITH 
YOUR AUSSIEMATES ? 
They give me shit about everything, Privately, 


quite a number of them have said, “Man, I 
really want to get into shape. What should I 


[can't see 
Wolverine on all 
fours. Or getting 


aspankingp 














do?” And Isaid, “Those beers you hadatthreak- 
fast this morning) Not agreat start." 


SPEEDOS OR BOARD SHORTS? 

Growing up in Australia, you wore Speedos. I 
remember doing a photo shoot down on the 
beach in L.A. when I was starting out. I had 
Speedos on. And just as the photographer 
was aboutto take my picture, my publicist ran 
up and practically tackled me to the sand. He 
said, “If that photo is taken of you, you'll be 
gay for the rest of your life."1 said, “Ifyou went 
down to an Australian beach and called guys 
wearing Speedos gay, you wouldn't walk off 
that beach." I know now I need to be wearing 
board shorts wherever lam inthewonld. 


PEOPLE MAGAZINE NAMEO YOU THE SEXIEST 
MAN ALIVE. WHO ARE THE SEXIEST WOMEN 

IN HOLLYWOOD? 

Beyonce, for one, having just performed with 
her [at this year’s Oscar presentation |. Halle 
Berry is very sexy, too. 


ITS BEEN AFEW MONTHS NOW, ANO NO 
OFFENSE, BUT HOW ON EARTH DIDYOU END 

UP HOSTING THEOSCARS? 

No offense taken, Before the show [former 
Oscar hosts|] Steve Martin and Whoopi Gold- 
berg both said to me, Look, you'll have a very 
warm audience, the cameras are on them, and 
they're more nervous than you. And afterabout 
an hour, just move that puppy along. 





HOW WAS MAKING OUT WITH NICOLE KIDMAN 
NESTAALIA? SHES ONE OF YOUR WIFE'S BEST 
FRIENOS AND ALL 
It's more awkward kissing someone you've 
never met before, because the moment “Cut” 
happens, you don't have enough ofa relation- 
ship to talk to the person afterward. It's like 
being ona really awkward first date; You wake 
up in the morning, and you really don't have 
anything to talk about. 





X-Men Origins: Wolverine hits theatters May 1. 


MICHAEL MULLERICONTOLUR Sil eeeiey Wf Loco 


























MAY2009 « MAXIM 65 














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SCI-FI, FANTASY, SUPERHEROES. hese are all genre films, and genre films have become our modem 
mythology. The purpose of mythology in the past was to decode our world and make sense of iit and in some 
ways that is what these movies do: We see a hero who confronts problems, and we hope that hero ts us. But 
geek culture goes beyond the moves. Its a lifestyle, a way of being. When you go home and put on your Siar 
Wars pajamas, It's like the movie never ends. mean, nobody gets a tattoo of a romanticcomedy, but in my 
office Ihave a photo of aguy with a giant King Leonidas tat from 300 0n his shoulder, Sure, it’s really a tattoo 
of Gerard Butler, but it means something tothis guy, I's interesting that it's no longer embarrassing for grown 
men to be into comic books and robots and wizards. It shows that adolescence doesnt have to end, that we're 
all chasing the high of that first fix, looking for that Star Watsfeeling 





INTRODUCTION BY ZACK SNYDER, DIRECTOR OF 300AIND WATCHMEN PHOTOGRAPH BY F. SCOTT SCHAFER 





_ WISDOM FROM A GEEK GOD _ ; » GCREEPIEST INTERSPECIES HOOKUPS 


stan Lee on Cameos 

ma big ham, and | love being in the Marvel This chick is 

bananas, lee 
thought, 







t 


moves, and | think alot of the fans get a 


KICK OUL OT Spotting me here and there. | was 





heartbroken about not being tn the Wolverine 
movie. But my favorite was Spider-Man 3 
when director 5am Raimi asked me to say 

to Peter Parker a line "ve said ince 

ror years: “Sometimes one man can make 

a difference. 'Nuff said.” That was terrific, 

But l aant think |can match the recora 

of Hitchcock. | was watching T/ 


es tne other day because | wanted i a » 








ie Lad 






ahs i 





to see how the son ofa gun did it, and he 
had not one but (wo cameos inthe same 
movie! So I've got to try and top Hitch- 


cock now. im going to try for three 


ENEMY MINE 198s 


Dear Annie Proulx, author, nasty alien baby. Bunted!! 

Brokeback Mountam: Although the sight of Dennis 

= = 7 oe Come clean, sister,yOu knowsjOu Quaid and alien Lous Gossett Ir. 

AMATING: ee ---- --, ee Dh) Se LOL $i0le the plot of Eri¢émyMiine, getting it on was much hotter. 
Tier — Sl lUl——<«_ «© Aside from tine Setting of planet Runners-up: 

AN — a Fyrine IV (Fite Island?), it’s the @ Planet of the Apes (above) 1968 





aly Comic Book Guy's Reviews 


Most intelligent film critic Ever 






F 





tude friggin’ story: Boy meets = Tony Shalhoub and Missi Pyle 
boy. Boys share forbiddén love (alle) in Galaxy Quest 1999 
“aS brothers.” Boy dies having 8 The Fy 1986 


© MOST DYSTOPIAN FUTUIRE 
MAD MAK 


Three deaatles ago, it Was readily 


apparent that past-Apocalyptic 
society would lOaik Ome of two 





 —— oe | 
: = | ai fal st ee 
See eT ee 
st AT eh Ae Be 
 “bean'trespec 
A! = =. tl a 
ge ur a, ", : ' : 
amanwhod 


hd. 


a = 


se Paes es ine 
Kiss 4a ei] 
~_ = 











1p falegers ora ways: the dark, teeming metrop- 
Orright-side olis of Badd Runner Or the 
up. Orin cracked, dessicated outback of 
any fashic Mad Max. Either way, the future — 
_ whatsoeve su-u-u-cks, but life with a bunch B Children efiten 2006 





























<<" came ot at, 1a = of momgaiinid Aussies is WOrse. ® Logan's Rum 1976 
Maybe by Runners-up: ¥ Judge Dredd 1995 
B Blade Ruminer 193 ® Braziy 1985 
@ Escape From New York 198) 8 /Am Legend 2007 
@ Sevient Green 1973 ® A Gockwork Orange 1971 ad 



































— HARDEST LINES TO SAY WITH A STRAIGHT FACE: "HERE'S YOUR SUBZERO. NOW, PLAIN ZEROI!"-SCHWARSENEGGER, THE RUNNING MAN 





MAY 2009 = MIAO 6/ 


ee oe oe | , By 


: ‘HE bE HtHeHEeEeHEHEHHEHRHREeHEBHEHEHHEeHEeHEHHEeHEHWBHHeHEeHEHEWEEHHEeHEHEEEHhHHeHEHBBtEHEHEHEHE EH FHEHEHEbhEe 


[  eoeooaee@eoeeeaoeneaneoaeaeaeoeeeoemmnrtrmecmUcemCmCOUcmUCOOCCOCUCOWUmLUCOBWUCOCUCOWUCOUCOBUMOUCOUCOUCUC8OlhU 
@9e3ee @ 










Rock stars havé piven us some 
memorable movie moments, and 
what they lack in acting chops, 
they make up for in hairbrained 
hairdos. Exiibit A: Bowie a5 the 
Goblin King. If Glenn Close circa 
Fatal Attraction stuck her finger 
in an electric socket, then mated 
with a rabid lio, the resulting 
hair-baby might approach Bow- 
ie’s in thistWeaked fantasy. But 
as creepy as his relationship with 
a teen Jennifer COnimelly is, how 


“Do you think 
the rhinestone 
dlaspus too 
mucht” 





DAVIDBOWMEINLABYRINTH! tose 


can you knock a film that brought 
together Jim Henson, George 
Lucas, and Ziggy Stardust? 
Rummers-up: 

@ Sting in Dare 984 

@ Mick Jagger in Freejdtk 1992 
® Tina Turner in Mad Max 
Bapond Thunderdome 84 

@ Grace Jones in Conan tie 
Destroyer 1954 

® Ringo Starr in Cavernan 1961 
® knits Kristofferson in 
Millennitlim 1989 


© OST EVIL OF EVILROBOTS 





AN HOLM AS mia IN AES 1979 





Dissegard for human life? Check. 
MOnt0tHine British accent? Check. 
Seems human till he sweats milk 
ami chokes Sigourney Weancer 
with a titty magazine? Check. The 
man who would be Bilbo Baggins 


BIGGEST SELLOUTS 


is easier to desta than, say, the 
T1000, but Holm’s.\4ictory was 
sealed with this lime, delivered 
by his severed head: “Ilcan’t 

lie to you about your chances, 
bivt...vou have my sympathies.” 
Runners-up: 

B FAL SOOO In AHO Gs 

B Yul Brynner in Westworld 1973 
@ Sentinels in The Matiiith999 

@ Robert Patric in 

Tenminator 2 19 


m ED-2209in RoboCopG 987 
@ Evil Bill & Ted in BNR Ted's 


Bogus Journey Wo 








HABES: JESSICA ALBAIN SIN CITY 


APES DO) BO), Paw C) mim @ COD 


Lou Ferrigno on CGI 


When | heard about Ang Lee 


's Hulk. | wanted toa 


Jessica Alba as a snake- 
hipped stripper? Yes, 
please! Sadly for the 
lovelorn Marv, there 
Was no sex inthe 
Champagne Room. 


He's been called the greatest 
thespian of all time, so who 


reprise the role, but apparently they wanted to do 


better to dis Zeus’ toga in thé CGI. So basically they spent $175 million where they 
canypttasttic Clash ofthe Titans? COU Mave § ee net Fr laybe s tenth of ti loi, used ne, and 
Oilivier’s arcli-Shakespearean eritenbanles Allilah | liadass i | ataet ats ered se dliald 

take on the deity may win the hens veen the CGI Hulk and the human Hulk. The big 


difference: No feelings The 


reel ines IL 


original Hulk, IT Shows 


prize, but he'S not alone: Brando Paste hee ) 
Gl Hulk still looks 


was paid $3.7 million for Super- was human. The C 





man (thats $16.2 million today). rubbery, not real, | hear thes y' (a-aelelipaclatel al 
Not bad for 10 mumbly minutes. CGI Hulk for The Avengers. Once again, they re 
Rummers-up: the Barbarian 1982 Bone te Lites Dash nillin ns aie lars they 

@ Marlon Brando in # Frank Langella in Masters off don't lave (Oo spend They Just dont get | 
supertian 1978 the Universe 1987 ICS iersal. they're idic sts. 

& James Earl Jones in Coman B Ratbert DeNiro in Stardust 2007 


+ B"COME ON, GOD, A LITTLE HELP, IT'S ALLI'M ASKING,"-BRUCE WILLIS, ARMAGEDDON @"ITHAVE COME HERE TO CHEW BUBBLEGUM AND KICK ASS... 





68 MAXIM « MAY 2009 


i ie i ee i a a 


@eeeooeo@eoeeeeeeedseede@edeseses- 
r i 


@e@eeoeoeeeee@eegeeeeeoeeeeee 8 1 





Match the fictional language to the translation. 
0 © | 









‘Hab SoSil’ — 
i aneninse — 
vive I ri 
ph a 
, il 7 is 











Sindarin _—Gelfling 


Kirin Huttese | 
Star Trek Star Wars The Lordioff The Dark 
Tramelations: the Rings Crystal 










ys 
“ TOl urhead 


Fe 
: 
‘isemp aty.” 























@ 6 3 


aS ge ge ptz “3 Ay JoMsuy 


Battledork Galactica 





We put the biggest fans in the galaxy head-to-head to 
see once and for all wihtich rules: Siar Tirek 


Mark Fordham 
Star Wars 
Former president, 
so1st Legion 
(Soistoom) fan 
club, 45 


“If the Millennium Falcon fought the “That's not a fair comparison! The 
Enterprise, well, the Falcon has lasers, Falcon is aveily small vehicle. it could 
which, you know, were like 100 years dodge whatever the Enterprise threw 


Jonathan Lane 
Star Trek 
Chief of communica: 
tions, STARFLEET 
(share) fan club, 42 








before Kirk, We've got phasers! And at it, sure, but it would be hard-pressed 

a$ far as [know, there are no photon to do any damage. An Imperial Star 

tarpedoes on the Falcon, Hal” BedtroyerdaoulebbAa bettenahaitéh.” 
Edge: Star Wars 





THE FEMALES 


“Star Wars only has two, but Trek has | 

something for everyOne. There's Sewen 

of Nine from Voyager, TPRel in Enter- 

prise, and Jadzia Dax fom Deep Space 

Nine, to name a few. And the new 

Uhura, Z@e Saldana? ll Wold not kick 

her out of bed...but my wife would,” 
Edge: Star Trek 


“TWo words: metal bikini. Ah, Princess 
Leia, what a wonderful character. 

aut there are more than two, There's 
Padime,,of course, Anakin’s mother, 
Aunt Béhu, the Tusken females...” 
(Jonathan tihtenjects: “Sand Peaple? 
You're reaching pretty deep there.”] 








Sree eres 


“LIUCHS isn’t caught up in affwtumistic 
vision. He’s a storyteller looking for 
ways to tell stories. If you're looking for 
a getaway, what better way to discon- 
nect from reality than to be thrown 
into someone else’s life galaxies away?” 





“Gene Roddenberry presented a vision 
of the Earth’s future, one in which 
we've gotten beyond war and faléial 
strife. Plus, fim not sure Star Wars will 
be able to constantly reinwent itself 
past George Lucis.” 

Edge: Star Trek 


R: b: a SLL RNG PHAT $348 WARS JS TH Nett Lay WIbAME R) 












































~* ANDIM ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM.’—-Ri 


UDDY PIPER, THEY LIVE TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE, —BILL PULLMAN, [NDE 




















OK, maybe 
it 1s a tumor, 






SCAPESTNGARDEATH SCENENN SPACE 





IOTAL RAGHIL t990 


As Alhnold suffocates in the Red 
Plamet's thin air, his face and 


nasally voices: “Bullshit! There’s 
na screaming on Mars!” 


eyes bulging and inflating into Runners-up: 
an oodihgectinhed Jiminy Glick in BS Quilend 1984 
Paul Verhoeven’s epic of cheesy @ 2901::A Space Odyssey 1968 


mind-fuckery, we're forced to 
stifle our inherently nerdy need 
to shout at the screen with our 


@ Mission tonties 2000 
m Sunshine 2007 — 
B Deep impact 1998 





> BIGGEST INTERGNIACTICASS HIDE 
GENERAL Z0D 3 


Superman /!’s superwillain isn’t 
as merciless as Ming, nor is he as 
eompleslas lodbog bpticoYdhorhin, 
Butadplajed by Thetlimey’s 
Ténrendéestancp, Sachs ZIMO i. 
titinbtentripleitiseat of terror. 
themed tes our POdWSN@ Res, 
kocks the snot out of Superman, 
hiuk«utiabashedlytrotbathanseny 
distoveracdsdckly singer getup. Y 





Barua Hetawlrethegreatesty. in Buckaroo Bonzai 1984 
6fléimer in all ofbeigeddattyell — @ Max Von Sydow as Ming the 
it: withiesyeeh eb! before Zogt!! Merciless in Flash Gordon 1980 
Runners-up: @ Heath Leder asthe Joker 

@ Gene Hackman as Lex Luthorin in The Dark Knight 3008 
Superman 1978 @ jan McKellen as Magmeto 

@ John Lithgow as Lord Whorfin in X-Men 2000 




















-S: MALIN AKERMAN IN WATCHMEN 


Silk Spectre II's 
skintight yellow 
costume is destined 
to be worn by exhi- 
bitionist nerdettes 
everywhere next 
Halloween. We'd 
bet our Hulk 
Underoos on it! 


7ENDENCE DAY + 


MAY R009 « MAXIM 69 


- = % " = @ -_ . na | a i : 
bE EERE BE BRHEBEBHRBEHBEHEHBEEHEEHEHEE HEHEHE SBHEHEHSBEHESBEHEE:. |: °@eeeeesr08086808 86 OO «@ 


7 ' ‘i fot avd » , nell oll . tad & ; ° ® *® k0 | 7y 1@: a ‘ a  sbEBREEREEE. 






(i Your DIY Comic-Con Costume 


Gal joe debuts just after Comic-Con. Enik 
Beck, an effects expert for IndyMoguilcom, 
tells how torock the confab as Snake Eyes. 





“Glaive, wil! GO : 
marrymec’ Musele Shirt: Part Z 

Take full-body dancingolighissand pull 
them around the suit. Look ripped by 
spray-gluing the tights down and firmly 
pressing an the dMdakS between the 
museles. Cover with black spray palit. 


Muscle Shirt: Part 1 

Cut QUE your new muecikss—delts, pees, 
biceps, and abs—firom a siteet of two- 
inich-thick foam. “A tUrkey carver will cut 
through the foam like butter,” Bdtk says. 
Spray-glue it to allong-sleeve shirt. 


” WEAPON OF CI 
HE GLAIVE IN KRULL soos 


like the four-eyed love child Of 
Sitar Wars amd Lord of the Rings, 
1967's Kriliwas a perfect storm 
Of geekiness. So it’s only fitting 
that it should have the baddest 
weapon inthe ano | universe. 
Colwym’s boomerang 
inp-starlike plaive ec lasers, 
phasers, and sabers Of all kimas 
look like Nerf. Why would 





Lo 


a | 
cok & 





thrown, bladed weapon disin- Runners-up: 

tegrate aliems from the future B Zorg’s ZF) in Ath Bement 1997 ©) Mask ©) Weaponry 

inwadingroa planet in another # Chainsaw in Anmyoarr Tape down a series of thin, horizontal Douse a toy SwO0d in chrome spray 
galaxy that’s somehow populated #Darknessi982 lines on the visor of a motorcycle helmet. | palimt. Guns area different stary. “Toy 

by humans and cyclopses? We @ Double-bladed lightsaber in Then spray black. Wihen you pull off the guns look fake, so get an Aihswfitt gun— 
don't know. But it's so awesome, The Phantom Menace 1999 tape, youll be able 16 see through those they're where it’s at,” B&ck says. Now you 


we just don’t care. 


a. Joss Whedon: seven Things [Love About Sci-Fi 


@ Excalibur in Excalibur i981 





lines. Kind of. Glue visor #6 a ski mask. 





know. And kinowingas half the battle. 


The brain behind Buffy, Angel. a and Dallhouseon what's good in the intergalactirchood. 















































2// Tough 3// FamousActors 4// Lightsabers 5// Robots 6 f Locations 71/ Kurt Russell 
Women ' in the Ghetto / | | 

Nothings—and [mean Remember the scene Christian Bale in Whatever else he Who are we? Where The sign Ofia cheap Soldier didn't add up, 
nobtihings—pets me in WorkineGwihere | Equatiniwn. Hurt dd wrong, George do weconed foom? sci-fi movie (and but check out Kant 

into a theater faster Sigourney Weaver and Oldman in Lost pave us the most Whats love? Is those are the best hdlding the screen 

than atorn-up ship kicds that alien's in Space. Sir Ben cinematic, mythical, humanity worth sav- ones) isagood with all 071§ words in 

with a rd@umnceful ass? Na, yall sure in...Vell, dimn, this elegant, and oddly ing? Who monitors location. They can't the film. Then check 

crew. The breath- don't. Long before goes all the wal back comforting taal in the birds? We all ask afford to build amy- out his deep comedy 2 
taking scope and the little Butfy picked up to Slipsimeam, Either scl-f history. these questions, but thing, so the future chops in the master- 4 
cramped, mundane a stake, women in their stanié (perhaps none more poignant- | i S@me Bauhaus full S@y High, Then 5 
imtenores—it’s like science fiction were temporally) on the hythan people whdé monstrosityordesert | chedk out his entire = 
crack. Justtthirking getting it done. And wane, orthey wanted canremove theirown | village. Tarsem’s Carpenter oaliVife.He 3 
about what ls goingto | now we have Milla. payaiheck, or they faces. Also, they can vastly underrated The | isthe Kimg of the B's, = 
happen in the airlock Dédr, dear Milla. dig sci-f, but it’s fun renawe their own Fallis probablythe and up toamnpyytining = 
(and something will) toseethe bigpunsin | faces. And occasion- best. [t's all about the else that gets thrown i. 
makes me piddy. + the little movies. : ally ours. Botéitule. (pun!) space. at him, The real deal. 7 


? MITTS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE VE SMELLED BEAUTIFUL,” 


- VIN DIESEL, CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK Mi" WELL, MY LITTLEFRIEND, YOUVEGOT + 





70 maxm » may x009 


ee 
5 s . s s . a "ay 
| i i] | i i 


UNDER THE RADAR 


ae = 
a . ba . i 
| a J 


a: 6 i : - i 


ES: REBECCA ROMIJN IN A-MEN 


Shape-shifting blue 
mutants will inevitably 
break your heart, but 
that doesn’t mean 


. we wouldn't take this 


rting the peaks and valleys of our nerd bomer 


= PUCK, YEAH! & 


freaky man-trap on 
a hot date to T.G.1. 
Friday's. 





as 
ol 
r 
| 
=z 
S 
= 
. oc 
a 
io 











ride you like 
a Pegasus.” 
[ a 


% MOST CENSRCUOUSLYGAY DUOS 





FROIBDAND SAMWISE INTE LOTR TRILOGY socs-c- 


These two furry-foated “friends” 
don sweater capes and po ona 
Camping trip, sharing approx- 
imately 9.3 holirs of scndéér time 
exchanging doe-eyed looks. And 
if the faet that thre clinmat of one 
of HHO Vindsit sonar i 
matic! histicDy (Sesh il Ge at the 
bok nfiteyig tabs WeSédnt c 
Astin carrying’ Etijale Wood like 
newlyweds crossing the 





threshhold wasm't enough to 
set off our gaydar, dialogue like 
this would; “Do you remember 
the Shire, Mr. radia? Do 
remember the taste of WL 
berries?” Awww... 
Runners-up: 

@ Batman & Robin 1997 

B CoP RPGSRARIDoM 

@ Xerxe$ and King Leonidas 2006 
m Spock and Kirk 1979-9): 2006 





LAYIEST TITLE 


fs 


What is it that compels directors 
to shoot for the Ihovest COmmnisth 
denominator wihten it cCOmes to 
naming their “misterpieces""? 
Pronouns, initials, and numerals 
just don’t cut itt We mean, I? 
Seriously, it’s almost like they 
gave up in the middle Of typing 
the act al titi... 


Runners-up: 

we Them 286 

@ The Thing 1982 
ae Ghost 1908 
BAS, 2004 

g E.T: 1982 

g Alien 1979 

mw 3002006 

w Star Warssikpn 


& THERND OCHIMSYNDROME 





DARYL IN DAR YL. sss 


With some notable éxceqiiions 
(T-1000, HAL, the Sentinals. OK, 
a/at of exceptions), Hollywood 
has taught us that, much like our 
favorite dago marionette, robots 
want tO be real boys! And none 
more so than Daryl, who tugs at 
our heart strings. And unlike Al, 
with its wan-faced Haley Joel 
Osment, this siory avons using a 
heavydhanded Blue Fairy to get 
its point across. A litatly of 
golérmment agencies intervene 
to prevent “Data-Amalysing 
Robot Youth Litttiorm,” played by 
Barret Oliver in between his 
roles in The NewerEnding Stoty 
and Cocoon, from realizing his 
huimdn potential. But you know 
how good the govermment ts at 
Axing things (see your 401k). 
We'd like to think that Daryl 
eventually settled dawn and 
raised a couple of micro- 
machines with that little 

minx from Small Wonder, 





Runners-up: 
@ Robin Williams in Bicentennial 
Man (above) 1999 

B Johny § ln Short Circuit 1986 
@ Haley Joe! Osment in Al. 20@ 





@ Sonny in |, Robot 2004 » 


— SOMETHING JAMMEDIN HERE REAL GOOD. -MARK HAMILL, STAR WARS BWHENEVER INNOCENT BLOOD IS SPILT, IT'LL BE MY FATHER'S BLOOD,-? 





maw2009 « Maxim / Il 





The worst thihg 
tO happen tO New 
York since Cats. 











CLOVERFIELD 2008 


You'd think that in the post-9{n 
world, the BigAppje might be 
spared, but there’s something 
about seeing a bustling metrop- 
olis fulll of immigrants, minorities, 
and corporate fat cats getting 
snuffed that seems to strike a 
chord with the rest of the world. 
Where some movies spend a 
few scenes wrecking NY.C., 

this whole goddamn fidvie is 





of it—Broo kiyn, too. Hell, those 
nasty aliens even invade the 
friendly subway tummels. What 
did we #VéF do to you, JIL? 
Runners-Up: 

a Watchmen 2009 

# Ghostbusters (tastiest) 1984 
@ Armageddon 1998 

@ inaapendence Day 1996 

@ DB impact 1998 





© BESTTUSEOF LITTLE FRSBLIE 





HITCHHINER'S GUIDE 


WW TUE lat 


Fantasy movies have done more 
for “little people” than step- 
ladders, booster 4#dts, and 
miniatwre horses combined: 
They Ve piven tiny thesqiaris a 
Steady paycheck. And no one has 
e@titen more work than Warwick 
Davis, 39, a British dwarf who has 
Starred in the Leprechaun mov- 
ies, Willow, Labyrinth, Time Ban- 
dits, the Harry Potter franchise, 
Return ofthe Jedi, atid dozens of, 
um, smaller roles. So what's it like 
being the bigSestrlintie person 

in the biz? “Several times a day, I 
eet, ‘Hey, were you in Willow?" 


— AND YOU'LL FIND ME.” 





72 MAXIM » MAY 208 


Nabe Tie TOM 
Gris Al RAW =—CGRUISE 





Davis says. “The people who rec- 
ognize me from the Leprechaun 
Hidvies are slichtly deranged. You 
can see them from §0 feet away, 
strangely dressed, with long hair. 
Some have parties where they 
watch Leprechaun mies all day 
and drink green beer. I suggest 
takimg your brain out and putting 
it in the fridge beforehand.” Hey, 
whatever you say, little buddy! 
Rumners-tip: 

m The Dark Crystal ©}82 

@ Mad Max Beyond Thumder- 
dome (Master Blaster!) 198§ 

= Tom Cruise in Legend 1985 


EEE HE EPEEEREEEE Ee EES 
* @@e@0@80800080  ° — 


@9eeeert ee ‘e@e@e@e6eee0 


ry Anatomy of the Flux Capacitor ff 


Can you turn a [dLorean ito a time machine? 


>) Doc Browh’s Flux Cabaciior in Back to 
thafetureawas geneinudre.Bubte teally 
Rens time you need more than some 
SWIRE Oya PULORS aaelengen, 
Ge WEN Re ao Ship ital HFRES- 
sinnable highsohoakbhoy Wanmaelyypte s' 
eed wWayhimMone powdpsays Lawrence 
Kradss,qubnarogioMher Piyasds aw fhaccrek 
Anautirectdresf ohd rigineiedtiativerat 
Arizona State University. “Doc was on 
PA Kirt PoLhrded giareat Barse at 
OuiK RAS teat the Wolly Sepurare” 
Porte dP ond Hate edie Furi He 


PEER EERE Eee eee eee eee 


e@ e@ eo @ va 
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| travel. This new @iher zy j 


BHReHEEHEtta & ee ee ee ee ee 






hégative enangy. Unlike reguilir energy, 
which is sud&ed in by gravity, negative 
energy is repelled by gravity and, if 
harnessed, could push you through time 
Ora wormhole in space,” says Krauss. 

Got that? Good. So, will 1.24 jigawatts 
give uS the bang we need? “Well, 1 giga- 
watt, a billion waits, could light a small 
city, but it wouldn't even take you baxt to 
2008, not even in a Ferrari," says Krauss. 
“Ultimately, you'd need the power Olitiput 


¢ of about akrillion suns.” Whoa, heavy. 


BES: MEGAN FOX IN TRANSFORMERS 





It was worth sitting 
through this toy-tas- 
trophe to see Earth's 
hottest human chased 
by giant robots. Looks 
like Michael Bay might 
co to heaven after all! 


-NICOLAS CAGE, GHOST RIDER @ THISIS A ZANDO-ZAN, AN INTERSTELLAR HIT-BEAST, COURTESY OF XUR."-ROBERT 


ee 


oe ee ee eee, ee ee, ee, ee 


eee &— 


oSTBABES: CARRIE FISHERIN RETURN OF THE JEDI 


"" 7 i 


The gold bikini that 
ruined countless 
Stormtrooper uni- 
forms still haunts 
our dreams. 


WISDOM FROM GE) 


Star Trek Writers Alex Kurtzman 

and Roberto Orci on Nerding Up 

eye Thinkeeek.com.A gold mine of unusual 
otally necessary peek hardware. Read: Chris 

Ware, creator of Jimmy Corrigan and The Acme 

Novelty Libr rary. One of the few original peniuses 

working today in any art form, Dress: Bostees. 

com. Artifacts from the era when 

modern geekdom was born. Don't 

bé airaid. Learn: Script-o-rama, 

com. IF you want fo be a screen- 

cript you Can, 

Hang: Drewstruzan.com. From 


to Better OF 


writer, read every s 


Back to the Future 


ee 5 ti oft eietiiai j 


Not ashamed 
to pay for sex. 





OST WINEGESSARY SIDEKICK 
JON CRYER INSUPERMAMW IV 5055 


Somewhere between his roles 
as a New Wave nerd in Phettyin 
Pimkand a single dad néfrd in Two 
and a Half Men, lati Cryer played 
Lemony Luthor, the whiny, punky, 
and, yes, nerdy nephew of Lex. 
The guy already had the greatest 
t-hand man a supervillian 
could ask for in Ned Beatty's 
Otis, making Ciyen’s turn (in a Se- 


quel that rivals Batman & Robin 
and Matrix Reluohutttais in sheer 
cnapitiide) allthe more painful. 
RuAners-up: 

# Rob Schneider in 

Judge Dredd 1995 

@ Sandra Bullock in 

Demolition Man i993 

@ Jar Jar Binks in The Phamom 
Menace (above) 1999 


> OUR FAVORREMARTIA'S 
TIE: ET, IN EZ. (BENEVOLENT DIVISION) ss 





ALIEN IN AZ/EW (MALEVOLENT DIVISION) 1979 


Dead, ita Struran poster praced 





the theater lobby you knew itd Whether they're out to win our Rumners-up: 
be d good summer. hearts or ati@ich to our faces, B The Bieb 1958 
plant an emiby¢o in us, then burst B Underwater aliens in 
through our rib tage as we eat The Abyss 1989 
Chinese food,all our favorite Ha Bugs, Starship Maapers 1997 
) aliens have something in tom- # Kim Basinger in My Step- 
numer Matri monoSomething pHallic, Think mother ls an Alien 1988 
a Super Matrix ET's telesca sine nedk and Idng, HOT GOOD ALIEN! 
thuralitii ¢. Orthe Alien’S m Natasira Hendchitiiee 
ests lnk the probability of OXvvers with the help of tumescent head. Kind ofgetsus _in SpedieS 1996 
R ing Batman author E Paul Zehr in the mood for an anal probing. HOT BAD ALIEN! 














a it What's What's . 

== Realistic Not Realisti “2 | 

- ; clit > EEST WRESTLERS Hii SPACE 

=a 

a wey 

a3 pysiatinpertoriy Should becrippledby ROWDY RODDY PIPER IN THEY LIVE‘ 

= 4 and fighting prowess injuries, concussions, and 2 | 

w= eae the shame of his-hadipiece if there:s a place a juiced-up, —_—s 

o8 oddly coillfed pituitary casé with 

=x I 

oF Gg _ _ A blilinmaire doing Stythin a fabte for Spandex can feel at 

- 4 Brain intentace with but hulting Spt -ad tigers 3 home, #é’s here. And the king of 

z2 PORES SneaneiesoH with ivory handguns the ring is Rowdy Roddy Piper, as 

= a construction worker who stems 

z a ne Genedapingand Cap's shield and his an alien invasion...with ihe help 

A : Peasioin steroids to incneasé unrealized man-love 3-7 bey coe ns ngladses. oes 

ol Bi strength for sidekick Bucky Sa. Dare, Piper imones: 

Re: she’s back in heat.” Poeay/! 

Bly Skilled martial artistiand © Echolocation radar © digests: came — 

4 BECO gymmast with sensory tracking; unlikelihood of 4.5 a Jesse ventura in Predator 1907 

ee deficit braille rans6m n@lies m Andre the Giant in . oe 
a The Princess Bride 1987 = Big John Studd in Hyper 
a4 e Rock in Doom 200§ Space i984 

Ss qUeeeeee == Bonding strengthening Rapid/orstantaneous + million yidr Manein X-Men 2000 = Terry Funk in Timestalkers 1987 
a mei materials to bonie healing; hairiness B Macho Man in Spider-Man 2002 3 
Oe = Triple Hin Blade: Trinity2004 From Spaté 1999 = 





(o=most plausible, i6:d4 unicorn) 


~? PRESTON, THELAST STARFIGHTER @°YOU'RE A GODSEND, A SAVIOUR.” "NO, TM A POSTMAN. -KEVIN COSTNER, [HE POSTMAN 





MAY 2009 » MAXIM #3 


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Don't feel like wasting your rapidly diminishing cache of cash on cinematicgarbage?Then 




















pay some mir 
(yet stil 

















it’s got Leonard Nimoy! It’s goi the 
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knocking on wood, Alot.” (May 8)" 





feteMeter 





The entire 





| Sacha 
Baran Conen 
unleashes 
nis Witand 
genitals 
on the world 
yet again, 


Terminator Salvation 
| Love You, Beth Cooper 


Star Trek 
“a Inglourious Basterds 























i = Yn b: a = “— ma —_ 
| | | | ed f fl icks,, TTOl I | 





BY MIKE OLSON 


Since the first Terminator, we've begoeq, 
fora sequel that shows the war between 
man and machinesTaking place in 2018, 

years before John Connor (Christian. 


Bale) sends his dad back in timetofather 


him, Salvation depicts that war's a spening 
salvos. Warning: There’s no special new 
version of the killer robe it. As director McG 
says, [hey had the Arnola, then LiquiCap, 
then agirl Terminate rr. All that would've 
been left was a transvestite.” (May 21) 








o 
= 





Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince 
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra 
The Taking of Pelham 123 


Funny People 


The Hangover 
Drag Me to Hell 


| 
| 
| 











74 maxim » MAY2009 

















The Goods: The Don Ready Story 


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen 








Land of the Lost 


Taking Woodstock 








Whatever Works 





Public Enemies 


ie hitting screens 














An old man 


attaches 
balloons to 





ind to our super- -exhaustive, no- -holds- barred, chock-full-of-insider-info 
totally biased) breakdown of every single: 


5 this summnen. 





> INGLOURIQUS BASTERDS 





Not excited (0 see Quentin Taramiimo’s 
| long-im-theewaokls WWI! epic? Talk to 


Hostelaliteur Eli Roth. “It’s like The Dirty 
DedgenDexbout the boringbpants, pine," 
theediectOmedmctordepkanpsalvnen it 
Wihea time to cast Spt. Donny Donowitz 
irathésistocy OF JeWist <oldieys@enbdinita 
wahtes OF rancho shaoidscalpcand kid 
WazHofarandime tOrmednho am bldaindend., 
"Hewdhted Buthiemticity0 saysikdth; ta. 
Jewisha guycfreorih Bo Wap | 
paplonively miotans!s (6ugesd2duld be 





nts MOUSE and 


Noats away. 


Trytofore 


Close nim now 


bitches! 





The Brothers Bloom 


Julie & Julia 
Bandsiam 


























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> FOMIN PEOPLE 


Let's be hiconest: The Stomyof a self: 
involkzed, tenmunally ill comedian (Adam 
Sandler) wid goes On an introspective 
journey to learn what's impOntant in life 
sounds like a major downer, But fear not. 
Ostie of the film’s stars, Jonah Hill, pxom- 
ises that writer-ditentor Judd ApHiOw's 
latest isn’t just Forever Yaowng with penis 
jokes tossed in. “I[vehbeatd peoplesny 
it’s a hiarious drama or that it’s a really 
serious comedy,” Ihe explains. “Either 
way,.it?s Auminy!”" (July 31) 














An emphasis on new technology was 
paramount in depicting this origin story 
of Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripoord 
(Marlon Wayans) poining the top-secret 
Joe team as it battles the @vil Cobra. “Fif- 
teen years apo your BlackBerry would 
Seem like a tuturistic, Star Trek-ian 
device,” says coproducer Lorenzo di 
Bonaventura. <[Directior] Stephen Som- 
mers said, “Let's make $6hme guesses as 
10 where technology ts going.’ Hopefully 
tinal] be fun for everybody.” (August 7) 


| Tom Hanks. 
and his wig in’ 
thriller the 
Vatican doesn't 
want youto — 
§ee. No prob, 
Benedict. 


& 
; fm | 


miosis 


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| ar 


All Good Things 




















































































































| When in Rome 


=, 

a - 

— le 
= 


* TRANSFORMERS 2 


fin the first TiasAgormers, everybody 
related to the naiisth of boy warits car, 
pets car, boy wants girl, gets girl,” copro- 
ducer Lorenzo di Bonaventura says. “We 
Watited more of that in this mawee—and 
a bigger emotibnaexperience needs a 
bigger adventure to houseit.” So forget 
Earth: this time it’s the universe at stake 
as the Decepticons once again have 
smoking-hot bombshell Megan Fox in 
their crosshairs. (June 24) 


[AU OD Tht (OST 


When they dedited to remake the 
cheesy Saturday moming series, direc- 
tor Brad Silberling and star Will Ferrell 
opted not to stick with the Cliymation 
dinosaurs of yore. “The humor came 
from pitting this trio againstietiial obsta- 
cles, not cute dinosaurs,” says Silberling. 
BUit purists bitter about the lost world 
being CGl'ed can rejoice—the reptilian 
Sleestaks wort be changing, "They're 
still in surts!"” aguddy Silberling explains. 


e “wanted that kind ofdheese.” (June §) 

















G-Force 








> PUBLICOENIANIIES 


It's alegendary story: Notorious bank 
robber John Dillinger carves a gun out 
of either soap or wood, covers it in shoe 
pOlish, and uses it t0 escape the Lake 
County Jail. Seventy-five years later di- 
rector Michael Mann and his coast visited 
Crown Point, Indiana to Shoot SCemes for 
the tale of how Dillinger (Johnny Depp) 
became a folk hero. “There were about 
3,000 people a day waiting for Johnny 
Depp, and he didn’t disappoint,” Grow" 
¢ Psimt mayor David Uran told us. (July 1) 




















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Yar One hasn't recucths been in the 
watks since the dawn of civilization, but 
it has been brewing for 30 years. “Iwas 
worldng with John Belushi and Bill Mur- 
ray, and they improvised a piece about 
a CroMéagAsih meetinga Neanderthal,” 
writer-director Harold Rami$ resdils. 
A few decades later, the brain behind 
jdjathack and Groundhog Day is finallly 
ready to unleash his tale of two hunter- 
gatherers (Jdek Black and Michael Cera) 
upOn our $hill-Savape world. (June 719) 





> TRE TAKING (PELHAM 123 


This isn't a face-lift of the 1974 version, 
despite Denzel Washington's taking on 
Walter Maiithau's role. No, t@ director 
Tony Soottlinis was never a remake, M 
cast my movies in the real world and 
reverse-engipeernthose stories into a 
Schipt,” he says. So while similarities exist 
with the original —a bad puy (John Tra- 
Volta) hijacks a subway train, a good guy 
(Washington) saveS the day—this Ofie 
is ra@ted in the real stories Of a retired 
MTA officer and an ex-db0. (June 12) 























Survival Guide 


eaten: 





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ja 





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ost Gra 


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Can pop genius]J Abrams rescue Star Trek the world's nerdi 





Ta, T 
(one 


| most-mocked francis? 


BY LOGAN HILL PHOTOGRAPHS BY jILL GREENBERG ILLUSTRATION BY ESAO ANDREWS 


ENNIFER GARNER GASPS FOR AIR AS 
thugs dunk her head in a toilet. Dazed 
survivors stagger through the wreckage 
ofOceanicAir Flight 81§. PhilipSeymour 
Hoffman screams at a battered Tom 
Cruise, “Where's the rabbit's foot?” A 
Manhattan going-away party is inter- 
rupted by...something big. Nearlyevery 
story by geek-god superproducer J]. 
Abrams—including his radical newStar 
Trek—begins mid-action, with some in- 
tense havoc. His stories grabyou bythe 
throat and throttle you to attention. 

It’s just one reason Abrams has be- 
come fhis generation's George Lucas or 
Steven Spielberg: an unrepentant geek 
thriving in the thick of pop culture. So, 
with apologies tothe master, this story 
about the rebooter of StarTrek and Mis- 
sion: Impossible III, cowriter of ArmaRed- 
don, and creator of Imst, Alias, dhwerfield, 
and Fringe begins the same way. 


Stardate: October Z007 


"It's acrisis point,” says StarTrek screenwriter Roberto Orci. “It's either 
wanpspeedorshut down. 

Orci and his cowriter, Alex Kurtzman, both veterans of Alias and 
M:13, have finally persuaded J.J. Abrams to direct the long-anticipated, 
four-years-im-the-making big-S¢reen reboot of Star Trek. Green lights 
are blazing, the script is locked, shooting begins in acouple of weeks. 
Suddenly, Abrams says: Stop. Something's not right. 


76 MAIOM » MAYz009 


“It's way beyond the iitth hour,” says Kurtzman. “J.J. wants a whole 
new action sequence, and that means adding millions to the budget.” 

One problem: Thewriters’ strike is just days away. Ifthe strike begins 
before they can devise a massive new action sequence, the studiowiill 
have to shutdown the film. Anotherproblem: Abrams needs millions 
more and Paramount is already all-in, gambling more than $140 million 
ona franchise whose last film earned less than halfthat. 

"IfJ].J.can persuade them to give us the extra money, we're goingfar- 
ward," says Kurtzman. “If hecan‘t, we re not.” 

Why riskthe wiholeffilm? It isn't just to cram in more action, though 
Abrams promises his Trek will have “a ton ofaction:—time travel, space 
battles, sunfights, bar fights, even a little nom-Starfleet-approved sex. 
The real reason has everything to do with why Paramount is betting 
that Albbranmsttan take geekdom's nerdiest franchise, pointy ears and all, 
and make it a bigger mainstream phenomenon than it has ever been 
before. The real reason is—well, we'll save that for later, because every 
J, Abrams Story also begins with a mystery. 


Foe 


Stardate: February 2009 

“I was more ofa Star Wars kid, actually,F.J. Abrams admits, recliming in 
a leather armchair at a Hollywood studio the size ofan airplane hangar. 
“Talways thought StarTirekwas a lot of talk, and it felt a little self-impor- 
tant. It was hard forme to get into it.” 

Dressed nerd-casual in black pants and a grayV-neck sweater, Abrams 
looks like your friendly neighborhood Apple Store Genius or graphic 
deSigner or indie record store fanatic. And he isall these things: a Prius- 
driving, typeface-obsessed tech nut who reconded the theme song 
for Lost on the same MacBook he used to design the show's title se- 
quence. He owns a Segway (a gift from Tom Cnuise) and a collection of 
vintage tin robots. He paints, he sculpts, and he alsojust happens to be 
one ofthe most powerful producers and directors in the world. B+ 





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Just hint at the rumor of a new J.J, Abrams project and the fanboy 
world flips out like the insane Spock of-"All Our Yeesterdays” (the epi- 
sode in which the rational Wulkam gets horny and humgry, then howls, 
"I have eaten animal flesh, and [h4Vé enjoyed it!"). The reason Abrams 
gets mobbed at Comic-Gons is that he launched the freakiest network 
TV series since Twin Peaks (Lost), the hottest viral campaign in Internet 
history (Cloverfield), and JenniferGamer's career. Today he stands at the 

cemierofthe popculture universe. Geekis now the mainstream (see: 
The Dark Kmight, Spider-Mon, The Lord offthu Rings), largely because of pop 
auteurs like Abraiitis who've created living, brea immersive 
worlds out ofthe myths and fantasies that used to be treated 
as silly, disposable, Devon regney De hetiic. He combines 
the — alt-ané renspcmnextiomsof Lac: : 

i steryotSpielberg, and Sinndinsdioneniie 
cerity of Buf th *Wamnpure Slayer's Joss Whedon. He is to 
ravenous fanboy culturewhatJuddApatowistochubby 
comedhy—a polymath at the height of his powers. 

Abrams is many things-fisbkeraam<dteur fi@gician, 
amateur guitarist—but he was never, everaTirekkie. “I 
didn't even remember that Speck was half-human. [ 
thought, Well that's fucking interesting!" Abramschuck- 
les, smiling mischievouslyin his Clark Kent glasses. “There 
were things about these characters thatsuckedmein,regard- ~ 
less ofand despite their being on StarTrek.” Still, when first approached 
to bring Kirk, Bones, and company kicking and screaming intosummer 
2009, he wasn't sure he was the man forthe gig. 

Abrams has noticed that the franchise “has fallen upon hardertimes 
re y;; as he kindly phrases it. Abrams didn't think much of the six 
TV series, io films, and endless fan conventions until Orci and Kurtin 
brought him into their Trek script meetings with the hopes ofseducing 
him. “Little by little we reeled him in, until he felt some ownership of 
it," says Kuunteman, whoshowed Abrams jOpages ata time. “Then we hit 
him with a stick and dragged him onto the boat,” adds Oni. 

The writers knew thediiterence between the Klimgons’ Kt'inga-diass 
AoA from the original movie and their Vor'Cim-class ships from the 

sation Atimams just brought along his breathless, actiom-heaw 
feiactvedeliekae -loving sensibilities. With Alias, wiilich: Abies 
calls his “comic book come to life,” and Lest, he helped create complex 
mythologies and conspiracies—and made them blockbuster hits. On 
M:]3 he managed to make middle-aged SciemtologistTom Cmiise seem 
somewhat human and his l@ng-in-the-tootliNission: Impossible franchise 
feel relatively ¢ool. In short, Abrams had become a pop hero with cult 
appeal, the perfect man to rescue StarTrek from the hardcore geeks. 

“This movie was not intended to honor the existing StarTrek fans’ 
expectations as much as it was intended to be entertaining and emo- 

















The Pantheon of GeekGods 






;enald, the mighty anid powerful who rute over the geekosphere. 


THE TITANS 


an Moore, Frank Miller, 
Gatbee Liéas, $t4H Lee, 
Steven Spielberg 


TRE BDIRMICODS 
Peter Jaceson), JO&S 





Whedon, Zack Sndey 
Sam Raiii/JL Abrants 


Diet, ates 





18 MAXIM © MAVIEI0O9 















tional and fun and relevant,” saysAbrams. “[fit works, alot ofpeoplewiill 
enjoy it who never knew they wanted to see a StarTrek movie. Bécause, 
honestly, for many ofus that was the case.” 

Abrams doesn't like the word reboot, but that's exactly what this is 
(even ifLesinard Nimoy,as avery old-looking Spock, déés imakecanappear- 
ance). The new USS Enterprise is stocked with: a younger and sexier crew 
and is set back when there were alot more places where man had yet to 
boldly go. “Stai Trek is something people hold dear to their hearts, so 

there's no blaming them for feeling, ‘Oh, God, new actors are 

playing my character!"" he says. “I get it, but having not been 
oneofthem until now, [just don't carry that burden. 

“] understand there are these fundamental things you can't 
change. We used the stuff we felt was completely worth reinvig- 
_ orating.” Abrams pauses, perhaps thinkingofthe scantilyclad 
alien girl who stole Spock's brain or William Shatner’s fa- 
mously ridiculous fight with arubbeittostumed lizard man 

in “Arena,” Episode 19 (Google “Worst Fight Scene Ever”). 

“We did not use the other stuf,” he says. 





toee 


FOR SOME PEOPLE STAR TREK IS EVERYTHING. NOTHING 
is ever everything for Abrams, who acts like the kind of Rittalin- 
dosed kid you'd diagnose with an “inability to single-mindedly focus,” 
and who suffers from an “oweractive imagination." 

“Working on the Lost pilot five years ago, he was a hurricane,” marvels 
series cocreator Damon Limdiclof. “He was in the midst of aaa differ- 
ent movie projects, writing twootihayp G 
brain can bein 1§ placesat once. It's like he has an X-Men version of ADD, 
where it’s not really a dysfunction anymore; it’s more of a superpowe: 

The superpowermay have been as inherited as Superman's. Accomding 
toTom Cruise, Abrams was “born toimpingeon and invade pop culture.” 
He grewupin theshadow of the HOLLYWOODSgn, banging around back 
lots asthe son ofproducer Gerald Abrams, sneakingintoTV rehearsals to 
watch Robin Williianswarm up for MOKeéMindy, “Seeing them rehearse,” 
says Abrams, "gave me such insight into howyou put ashowtogether.” 
Abrams’ grandfather Kelvin was aconsummate tinkererwhotaught his 
grandson to take apart phonesand radios and put them back together. 
Most important, he handed his grandkid a super-8 camera when hewas 
10. Albrams began filming stories filled with fake spaceships, homicidal 
dolls, homemade explosions, and homages to his favorite show, The 
Twilight ti@. “This is why [can appreciate Trek fans,” explains Abrams. 
“Because Iwould actually resent whoever was working on anew wilight 
Zone remake—hike, “Who areyou?’’ 

“Ourgenerationis theStar Warsgeneration,” says Limdielof. “We're the 
first group who were fanboys when we were 
kids. So now that we get to make TV shows 
and movies ourselves, we approach it as a fan 
would. Whether it’s Lost or Trek, we're asking 
ourselves, ‘If] was a fan, would I fucking hate 
that? Orwould I love it?’” 

By 2062, at age 36, Abrams was flying high. 
He'd sold his first script during his senioryear 

° at Sarah Lawrence and scored his first block- 
THE HEROES buster in 1998 with a writing credit on Michael 












ete anne neem Bay's Armageddon. That sameyear he launched 
Dee Williams the sleeper TV hit Felicity, which found such 


passionate support that when the studio 
considered canceling it after its second season, 
devoted fans mimicked Felicity, cut off their 
hair, and sent their locks tothe studioin pro- 
test. Hot offthat success, Abrams found him- 
selfin unfamillarterritory: taking a beatingon 


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the Internet. Almost four years before getting the chance to breathe ‘Wee w eatalja ian 


new life intoStalittk, Albrams was attempting to reboot the ultimate 
superherofrandhise, Supemmam. Avery early draft ofthe script had leakerl— 
dnd the online fanboy tree house AimtitCool News.com attacked. 

“A disaster of nearly epic proportioms* the blogger Moriarty ranted. 
“You'll believe a franchise can suck!" Spurred on by the post, the site’s 
scatological commenters raged with the passion only spurned geeks 
and hardened peon inmates ¢dn muster: “A hulking ball of shit,""Calll 

Adventunnsa(Shitman'” “Talk about raping childhoods...¢ 

jinn ww tin: doesn’ t understand his audience might fume, or 
cower, worried that the fanboys would sink the project before it got 
made. But Abrams just called up the site's Jabba-like proprietor, Harry 
Knowles. In a follow-up post, Kmowles calmed the angry nerds. “He 
knows what tosay toa geek like me,;“wrote Knowles, before writing his 
own syooplhamtik review, assuring fans that “the TONE, the CHARAC- 
TERS, the SPIRIT, the FEELING you get from this script from the begin- 
ningto theveryend is SUPERMAN.” 

“Tlearned a lO¢ from that,” says Abrams. “There was amoment when 
a fan said that because of the script—which he ofcourse had not read— 
my family should be killed. But the truth is, lam beholden tothe fans, 
and they are not my fans. They're fans of genre and storytellimg, so [feel 
like we're all ultimately fans of the same things.” 

In 2001 Abrams struck again with Alias, soimpressing Hofiyeroodthat 
Tom CruiiseandAbrams'heroSpielbergasked the wumderh 
the screenplay for War of the Worlds, AmaZingiy Movamsadieciined, worried 
that hewas "blowing my wholecareerright now, because youdon't say 
notothese guys." But he was stretched—he was busy with Alias and de- 
veloping what would soon be his biggest hit, Lost. 

One yearin Abrams left LoSt todirect M:13. It was the most expensive 
film ever handed toa first-time director, and ultimate|yeamed $395 mil- 
lion. Abrams was growing 80 powerful that he could even get a green 
light for a mysterious monster movie to beshot in New Yonkwi 
















ith very 
few effects, When Clovwrfiedd's first trailer debuted, it drove fans crazy 
without even a name—just shaky handheld camera footage, 4 dose of 
9/tidread, and those magic words: "From Producer].J. Abrams.” Claver- 
field was Felicity meets God{illi, and Albrams' brilliant marketing cam- 
paign helped make the film a hit, earning $168 million offa budget of 
just $2§ million. By the time Tick came his way, he was standing astride 
the geekosphere. In astark departure from hisSupennandinitibing, MneH 
Abrams cut a new trailerin March for Thek, Aimtit CoolNews anmaumnex 
“New STARTREK Tiailler = Gooey Geekasm (Now In Giganto GeekDne! NT 
“He still seems like this little kid playing make-believe with a cam- 
era,” saysChris Pine, who p|aysCaptain Kirk. “He's literally a magician,” 
adds Zachary “Spock” Quinto. “He did card tricks between shots." 
Pinerecalls that one day Abrams spent all his time between sets fid- 
dling with musicon his MacBook. “A friend ofhis dropped by and found 
these separate tracks forlThe White Album: drums, bass, and so on,” he 





Abrams stars in Alien vs. 

Producer; Zachary Quinto 

ees his Spock on; the C/ 
‘efobid monster. attacks! 








, says. “SOJ.J. was fuckingafound onGarage- 
F Band with original Beatles recordings, re- 
miximg them himselfwhiledirecting a scene 
and livéebaatimg with Trekfams on his laptop. 
It's kind of infuriating how much he has going 

F §6on. You lookat yourselffand think, What thefuckam I 
— doing?” John Cho, who plays Sulu, adds, “He could honestly 
d@dny jobon a fill set: costumes, makeup, special effects.” 

“There is a strange mnmnestity to being a grownup, having a job, hav- 
ing a family, and making a living doing exactly the sattie shit Ididwhen 
[ was 10 or 11," says Abrams, who lives in Los Angeles with his wife, 
Kaitie McGrath, a PRexecutive he met in 1994, and their three children. 
“Only now, instead of faking explosions, I actudily get to work witha 
pyrotechnics teal that does it for real.” 

So when AbraniS talks about his plans forthe future, it sounds less 
like d production slate than a playground sandbox. He's wankimg on 
Cloverfield's sequel (with New York destroyed, the monster goes after 
Newark; changes mind), but he's also developing atheaterpiece, anew 
rohiancewith Harrison Ford, several new IWssaries, new books, Web-only 
projects, aind iilusic. Fans are dying to see what he will dowith Stephen 
King’s epic Tint DarkTower. “I've said no to everybodly,” Kimg has saidl. “I 
Hiean, this is my liffeswork” How much does herespectAbrams? He sold 
the rights to all seven DarkTower books for an ironic 19 bucks. 


Stardate: October 2007 

And what about that StarTr¢k crisis? Abrams got his brand-new action 
sequence and the millions from Paramount, just before the writers’ 
strike. "Only somebody with J.J.'s weight could have gotten the studio 
to give us the money so |ate,” says Kurtzman. “They trust him. They 
know he’s a visionary, And the fact that he's a wildly commencial and 
accessible director doesn't hurt, either.” 

So what's the real reason Abrams risked the filiti for one sequence? 
“J.J. said we needed more Spock,” says Orci. 

Ultimately, no matter how weird or spectacular a J.J. Abrams project 
becomes, the focus is on character. It’s what connects Ritlicity to M-13 to 
ost. “The goal is alwiiys to do B material in anA fashion,“ says Abrams. 
“You take often-clichéd ideas andcharactersand treat themwith respect 
and hold them up to the standard that you would if it was a straight 
drama. You take something that would typically bedisposable because 
therewouldn’t be anyone rel or alive in it—and suddenly you giveit this 
vitality ifthe characters are people with whom you can relate. 

“People neverknow what they want, though everyonesaystheydo," 
Abrams adds. “Ifthey did, nobody would ever besumprised. The truthis, 
what you want isastory that isengrossingand surprising. Amdat theend 
of the day, a good story is a good story, whether you're afan ornot."” @ 





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HERE ARE FIULMWSTHAT PERFECTLY 
capture the complexity ofthe Amer- 
ican experiemae—from The Searchers 
to Bonnie and Clyde to Ragitig BulH-but only one of them features a 
cartoon moose, incest, a shoebox full of weed, pee-soaked picnic sand- 
withes, a dead dog, a pimp shouting, “Fuck yo mamalH and a naked 
Christie Brinkley. Produced by legendary college humor collective The 
Natiotiilllampoon, scnipted by reclusive teen-movie icon John Hughes, 
directed by Harold Ramis, and starring Chevy Chase, NationallampomiS 
Wacation has turned 26 (hey, we were kind of busy last summma'). Like any 
diassic, it transcends genre (in this case, super-broad physical comedy) 
to reveal lasting truths (about the frontier spirit, sex, race, class, and 
family). Seriously! Without Vauation there likely would be noSinpsawns 
no FamilyGuy, and no R-taited mainstream comediesofthe JuddApatow 
or Seth Rogen variety. Other films of the era have made more money 
(Anita! Howse) and joined the classic guy-moviecanon (Caddyshack), but 
Wiannation stands as the most perfectly American comedy of its day. This 
is the inside story ofhow it was made. 





{ACT *PLANIIGTHE TRP} 


Matty Simmons (Producer, onfounder, The National Lampoon): In 
late ‘78 the editor at the Lampoon said, “Look at this stuff coming in 
from this guy John Hughes in Chicago. It's really good.” One of his 
stories was called “Vacation '58.” I said, “I'm going to make a movie 
of this thing.” Animal House had just come out and was the biggest 
comedy of all time. I'm red-hot, right? I was sitting in Hollywood, 
and they're kissing my ass all day long. 

Harold Ramis (Director, Vacation; cowriter, Animal House): We were so 
spoiled by having Animal House as our first Hollywood venture. That 
created the expectation that, well, why can’t ewery film we do be the 
most successful comedyever Still, we had an audience that would be 
interested in Vacation. As far as the story, John Hughes was much more 
interested in the adolescent experience. In the original script, it’s all 
about the son, Rusty..lwas much more attracted tothe bored husband 


the uncensor©r ad oral ree of the scenario, being the guy behind the wheel. Iwas more interested in tell- 
ing my own story than that ofa 13“year-old. SoChevy and I did a page- 


funniest road trip movie ever made. —_—onerewrite, shaping it to this new Clark Griswold that we'd imagined. 
Chewy Clhase (Oark W. Giiswold): Clark was a doofus. A well-meaning, 
typical young dad who was drawn to the idealism of traveling cross- 
country with his family. An everyman type. Harold knew what my 
instincts were from having done Caddys/nmukwwith me. He really imbued 
mewith that character. 

Ramis: We talked about the idea ofadad who tries tocram all his par- 
entingintothe two-weekvacation he's got. It's that little pedantic qual- 
ity that fathers can have, pointing out the window. “Look, kids, wheat!” 
The “We're gonna have fun whether you like it or not” attitude. 








SEX, DRUGS 
HOLIDAY 





BY MARC SPITZ 
ILLUSTRATION BY BORIS VAULEJO AND JULIE BELL 


The Griswolds initially intend to fly to Walley World, a Dismeyliand-like amuse- 
ment park with a cartoon moose as a masoutt But office drone Clark comunalts 
the fami fly (wife Ellen and children Audrey and Rusty) that they should drive 
fromCiioagoto Los Angeles instead: “Thewhole idemof{afamily vacation 3 








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Clockwise from right; John Candy 
(left) was paid $3 million for his 
cameo as a Walley World security 
guard; Randy Quaid (left) remains 
ashamed about playing Cousin 
Eddie; Beverly D’Angelo foes posi- 


is to Syznd time together as a family. You get on an 
airplane, you pul on your earphones, and you'redost 
in your own world.” He plans the trip on a pviimutive 
computer, mile by mile, so that nathing can possibly 
Qowvrong, 


Chase: That real idealism—‘“It's gonna be a 
family trip, and it’s gonna be great"-iis the 
source of the best kind of humor. “If might 
workout, oryou might beeaten bya beam," You 
never know what nature might bring. The set- 
upis made in that first $hmne, “No. No, we're not 
gonna fly, We can handle this drive!” 


Kim Cattrall and Dee Wallace (the mother in ET.) 
auditioned for the role ofEWen Griswold, But Beverly 
D'Am@e¢lo, then coming offserious “New Hollywood” 
films, was cast, Anthony Michael Hall and Dana 
Barron become Rusty and Auditty. 

Beverly D'Angelo (Ellen Griswold) I'd done 
Coal Miner's Daug/ater and the film version of 
Hair, and) actually had a rewarding contract, 
The comedies being made that were like 
Animal House weren't reallly considered the 
cream of what Hollywood was producing, you know) I mean, this 
was the era of The Deer Hunter! But Chevy and Ijust connected on a real 
mental and emotiomalllevet. 

Ramis: Wewere casting in New York, and all the kids whowere com ing 
in looked like they'd just stepped out of aTV commercial or a Disney 
show, We were really in despair about ever finding a Rusittywho would 
be interesting. Then Anthony Michael Hall came in. 

Anthony Michael Hall (Rusty Griswold): It was my first big movie, I 
loved Caddyshack and SNL and was kind of walking around these people 
with my eyes bugging out. 

Dana Barron (Audrey Griswold): [hada call-back sothey could see what 
the chemistry was between kids. [havean oldersister,so knew about 
crazy sibling rivalries. [had ascenewith Michael and Iscreamed, “Eww, 
he’s touching me!” We snapped right into that arguing mode natu- 
rally. Harold loved it, and that was that.. That launched the Griswolds. 


(ACT \s_LOST IN AMERICA} 


The first indication that things aren't @ 








Dir tl well Pardiommes, i'm 





comes when Clark and Rusty drop offtheir trade-in worndey Trypan 
and pick up their new car, Instead of the Antarctic hie eaeeigse ee 


Blue Super Spont6sWwiliort (with the <aptionalindly 
fun-pack”), they are hustled into buying a mutant 
Station wa9On with wood paneling and a “metallic 
pea” paint jab. 

Eugene Levy (Carsalesman): I played a lot of 
sleazeballs. Basically, [sold him a Car I didn't 
have and figured [would use my wherewithal 
to keep the sale and sell him another car. The 
Wagon Queen Family Truckster: I do recall it 
was anasty-looking thing, 

Chase: It was just the ugliest gas-guzzlimg 
station wagon you couldimagine, Byanystan- 
dard today, that thing would be considered a 
major problem in the green world, 

Ramis: They broughtit in, andwe begamdoing 
things toit. We said, “How about addinga head- 
light here? How about doing this and tha?” 


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82 PHAXIM «YAY R009 


tively bat-shit on Imogene Coca. 












In a scene that would inspire multiplex picketimQ today, the Griswalds male a 
wromg turnoad end up lost in East Sf. Louis, Theyask a crew of pimped-out black 
HUIS for directions, only fa be told, “Fuck ya" mama!" While they're Givem bagus 
diréftions, thelocalssirip thetincar and spray-paint HONKY iPSon the side, 
Chase: They have no idea. They're sowhite. They have no idea how to 
relate to inner-city black people, The scene is played very broadly. “Roll 
‘em up.” You couldn't really roll up the window, because there wasn't 
one. If you look closely, you'll see the window doesn't go up, 
D’Angelo: We were the dopes. Sure, there was certainly a lack ofa PC 
element to it. But we were the ones whowere idiotic. 
Chase: About amonth ago, my wife and Iweredriving back from Colum- 
bia University, trying to get on the highway, We pulled into the wrong 
area, and there were these inner-city Africam-Americans drinking beer 
and hanging out, and itwas ata dead end, late at night, | actliallyyapemed 
thewindowandsaid, “Hey, homes,’ and these two guys whowere there 
just stated laughing immediately, 


Insisting he can still go another ioo miles, Clark tries 
tommakk up forlost timeand ends up falling asleepat 
the wheel, prompting aclassic '8os-style stunt-driving 
sequence in which hedeposits thecarperfectly in the 
motel parking lot, Ofite inthe motel, weare treated to 
| 2S comedy: Gratuitous nudity. 
Ellen linge¥S in a shower stall lathering hersellf with 
a washcloth until Clark re-crewtes the murder scene 
from Psycho, witha b@fidiria. 

D’Angelo: [thought it was great] didn't think 
itwas gratuitows at alll. 

Simmons: Anthony Michael Hallwas about 14 
and shewas in the stalll and we're getting ready 
toshoot the shower scene, and there's Michael 
six feet aiway from her. ) grabbed him by the 
shoulder and said, "Get the hell out ofhere!” 
Hall: twas totally tryimpto smeaka peek. Yeah, 
of course. She had anice rack! I'd say it in front 
of her now. Was I conflicted that she was 
playing my momfYou know what! At times I 
was. Usually when I was running lines in her 
trailer with her. 


Thank yeu 
very much, 





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WA 


“Clark, you landed on 
Randy Quaid’s dignity.” 





Inthe filn's most not orisus sequen, the Griswolds check in on Ellen's éousin Cath- 
fmne and her husband, Eddie, and theiclarge white-trash brood, including ayoung 
Jane Knakowski (cumremtlyof 30 Rock fame) inCoolidge, Kansas. Afain, thenzare 
harsh elements of dlass division, played for uneasy laughs. Eddie's insurtiltre has 
been vemueled, and his family has beet reduced to smoking weed, inrestliOlS Fnmch 
kissing, and chvemic masturbation. 

Ramis: The movie was taking place during the Ronald Reagan era, sol 
thought of Eddie's family as the Reagamomics family, victims of his 
economic policies. It was a Grapes of Wrath kind of moment, too. Eddie 
was Tom Joad who didn't leave. 

Chase: Randy really pulled it together for me. I got it right away when 
hesaid, “] bet yousoulduseavudideme,” and then handed metihesswiill 
of his own beer. [knew right there what kind of character Iwas dealing 
with. Every time lasked Randy to do a Vacation after that, he would 
initially say no. He's really working on more serious stuff. 


Quaid, Ossaxnamitnated for The Last Detail, has 
nonetheless appeared in thrffather Vacaition films, 
including 2003 TV movie National Lampoon's 
Christmas Vacaition 2: Cousin Eddie's Island 
Adventure, The character, his most famolis, re- 
mains a source of borderline shame. He responded 
to Maxim's request for an intenai® with a cryptic 
statement: “Blame Harald Ramis for Cousin Eddie. 
I'm tired oftaking all thecredit." 
Ramis: Ramdywanted to have a serious career, 
and to his snagen he’s known for his biggest 
tooms— Eddie and that guy in the bowling 
movie “ihe Farrelly brothers’ Kimgpin, in which 
he plays an Amish bowling ace]. Ilsaw him do . 
Sam Shepard onstage! 








Audrey pairs off with her cOlisin Vicki, who informs 
her, “'mgoingsteadly, And | Frefnch-kiss.* Aliainty,un- 
impressed, replies, “So? Everyone does that.” “Yeah, 
Vicki says, “but Daditysays I'm the best at it." 

Jane Krakowski (Cousin Vicki): People quote 
that to me word forword. Constantly. Or they 
ask me to say it. I knew it was wrong. I knew 


Daddy says I'm 


Yean, But 
the best at it. 















"Beverly hadanice 
rack!Was I conflicted 
about her an Yeah 
Woe pratt ean 

at times | was" 


that you're not supposed to kiss your dad like 
that. Bilt I don’t think I knew the fiill shock 
value of incest. f knew we didn't do it in my 
house. Honest. 

Barron: [ understood what the implications 
were because you can see my face—I was like, 
“Huh?” But still, lwasveryimnocent at thatage. 
The “potmaster” showed me the box of weed 
that’s supposed to be Cousin Vicki's stash, and 
totinisdiay [don't know ifjt was real. 


Riisty asks Colisin Dale, “What doyou do heré?" Replies Dale, “Igot astack ofnudie 
books thisiigii.” Shortly thereafter, Rusty learms about “boppingpoiir bologna.” 
Hall: That term is great. [just love that Harold and Matty were willing 
to gotothat extent. Visiting the inbreds. They just went there. 
Barron: “Boppin' your bologna." It still haunts me. It's so gross. “Have 
you ever bopped your bologna?" What the heck is that? 


Aunt Edina, Clark's néhtesis intliriers, isplayéd bybug-eyedTV vet ImogeneConn. 
The Griswolds agree 109 iv her a ride tO arelative's house in Phyenix. 

D'Angelo: She was so devoted. Thatcarwas likea gazillion degrees. One 
time we were out in the desert and she couldn't remember herlines. She 
ended up going to the hospital. think she had a mimni-stroke. 





lie Brinkley, t an the world's most fam(@liS model. Brinkley was stunt-cast as the 
irresistible tempptrens who follows theGriswollts’ route 
and flirts with Clark from the wheel 6ffiet red Ferrari. 
Chwistie Brinkley: | had noamibition to act. I 
just figured it'd really be fun to be a part ofthe 
wholething.Alimosteveryscemeweshotended 
with me gunning my motor and charging off 
aheadotChevy's car. So I'm tryingto make sexy 
eyecontact with Chevywithollt laughing, while 
driving parallel to hiscar and hardly looking at 
the road, while wiggling my shoulder arOllind 
sothetopofthe dress is halfoff. |Laiighs|Ittook 
quite a lotoftalent. 

Hall: Iwasthat kidwho had tiSjports[llustrated 
swimsuit issue that came outewery February. 
That was the wet dream, shooting a movie 
with Christie Brinkley, She came out by the 
pool one day, and you could hear the porn 
music in my head. Iwas like Judge Reinholdin 
Fast Times at Rudeemo 


tm going 
| steady, And | 
ee French-kiss. 





eS 6E§.:s SEQ’ EVerybody 
does that. 








The Griswolds and Alint Edina stop to have a picnic 
lunch near Colorado. Brinkiy alsostops; she plays the 
radio and begins 10 dance. Clark, in the midst of cat- 
in§a bologma-and-cheeSQ@QanddviithperfomSan BP 


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"“@@@606 = 


impromptu soti¢ dance with it, simulating cunnilingus 
tdJune Pointer's “Little BoySweet.* 

Chase: | was just talking to Christie about that 
two nights ago over at a party at Billy Joel's. She 
brought the scene up. How funny it was. I didn't 
realize she'd ever gotten it. It was sort of a joke 
between me and a couple of friends, what Iwas 
really doing with thaf sandwich. Clearly, she did 
get it. I'm almost embarrassed. 

Brinkley:That scene is so funny...!wasso far dway 
from him when I was doing the scene; I really 
couldn't see all the intricacies. Rut when Isaw the 
movie and saw him give his little sandwich that 
special kiss, [thought thaf was sucha fun touch, 


Whéii Brinkley and Chase finallydoplayas<cenetogether 
that indudes dialogue, it's dear that a Best Supporting 
A(¢tress nod was not in her future. Brinkley’s naked hotel 
ool scen¢ has become leQendary despite the fa¢t that she is dearly wearing a 
ileshy-tomed bodysuit. 
Brinkley: When I got mysides forthepool scene, itwas, "Now you strip 
and jumpin." I said, “Well, 1 don’t reallyywannado a nude scene forthis 
movie. I think it’s more interesting to leave something to the imagi- 
natiom.” There was quite adebate. lended up stripping down to my bra 
and underwear. Then when | was actually in the pool, I just had a little 
nude one-piece. Like a nylon stocking. It looks nude, but you have a 
little teeny bit of coverage. 
Clhase: They were pushing the water back and forth, so you can't tell 
that she's not naked. Yeah. Pretty upsetting. 


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Inrapidsucaession, the Griswolds kill Aunt Edna's dog, Dinky[0S¢ theirluggage, 
get lost in the desert, and (fash the family tra¢bster. Audrey gets her (irst period, 
and Aunt Edit dies. They end up strapping herto the roof and later dumping her 


Tee Eee eee Pea Pe a C0 Oe ee ee Tee 


ee eee eceoooeeceoooee fe Bec EB ee ee ee eee Ey PRR RE yy ee ee eB eee ee = 


Below! Clark badly simulates cunnilingus 
on a bologna-and-cheese sandwich to 
impress Christie Brinkley’s Ferarri- 
driving temptress. Right: Brinkley’s 
underwear launched a million erections. 








ity guard John Candy hosthat}e—éind he and the family ride the rollbrcowstbus. 
Clhase: | tell you that was the most frightening filming I'd ever done. 
Going up and down on that roller Géhkter with John weighing about 
280 and a huge heavy camera in the car. I was just wondering, Am I 
gonna die here? 


Vacation wusa commercialSii¢ess, grossing $61 million in the U.S., andreceived 
mostly positivereviews (though Siskel & Bbert split thumbs), but it Wabn't a block- 
bustét. Its layacy has grown on video, calle, and DVD, and hasn't diminished 
despite the release difthree iicCreasingly subper sequels and a Crappy TY special. 
Krakowski: |t has the vibe of acult now; people knowall the lines from 
it. They can quote it back toyou. It's prettycoalL 
D'Angelo: Well, at first itwas like, Oh, myGod, now I'm burdened with 
this. But as timewent on, what really madethe difference was Isaw how 
much people loved it. It’s taken years for me to see how important that 
film was. Years. Would Ido anotherome? In a heartbeat. 
Cisase: Aw, hell, I've had an idea for another sequel for years now: The 
Swiss Fomily Griswold. There's a fire on acruise ship and they believe the 
ndiamd getstuck on tihisisland. 








corpse on the patio at Cousin Normy’'s in Phoenix. When the family sti@gesi 

turning buck, Clark—with a maniacal glint in his eye-tells them that they are 
“fucked in the head.”"When they finallymake it to Walley World, a Moose mascot 
informs them that the pdtk is dosed forire}poirs. Clark freaks Gut and tokesSetur- 


)AllThey EverWanted | 


‘gar ID PeNed 


Eventually, they find Cousin Eddie there: He was one ofthe members of 


the cast of Survivor and had never gotten off the island. I think it would 
bea greattone, frankly. b) 


latter the cast 








BEVERILY 





CHRISTIE 








CHEVY CHASE HAROLD RANDY QUAM DANA ANTHONY JANE 

Starred in afew D’ ANGELO RAMIS BRINKLEY Reteamed with BARRON MICHAEL KRAKOWSKI 
more classics SuNived went The third moat Diworced her Ranmnis for the Although replaced HALL Was a regular on 
(Three AnEps, gain as wellaga famous Ghost- fourth hUSiband, underrated 2004 for the three Starred in John Ally McBeal, now 
Fletch), alot more | lempthy affair b@ster, Rommis Peter COdk, in black comedy theatrical sequels, Hughes’ 1980s displaying serious 
stinkers, amd, Jn........|... with. a8 Parle, eee ee costarned with Bill...)...2008 after. he had........ The.fce Harvest.......J... retiinned.as.a............ teen. classics. Sixs.........: comedy chips 
sG94,cin,epid. flop = ies Mudiavdd Stripes] | a0Aftzirevitt his Aided Heath’ atid srownedpakudrey teen Cassie SPhe | coadearckops 
of a talk showy. En- role on | Entioureii’e and directed Gayear-Gild assis- Jake to herd Criewold for the Breakfast Club, Starred in Broad- 
jo¥ing something as ball-busting Groundhog Day. fant. A regular on sheep on Broke- TY mowie. Also and Weird Scj- wiiy musicals and 
ofa TV comeback SU percesent Showed off his the Hampiais back Mountain. ap Pesared in ence, Returned,in | was the lead in 
with cameras on Barbara “Babs” stil-impressive social circuit, Anmbivalent fo this National Lam- far bulkier form, the little-seen 
Law & Order and Miller. Still has a Jew-froin she’s seriously day about playing pooh’s crapkastic for fhe USA series indie drama The 
Brothers& Sisters. « tinice rack.” e Knocked Lp, hotalss: e Cousin Eddie. e Pucked. The Dead Zone. « Rural Jurav. 


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i] 
@oe@eoeeeses ee éeo@@ee@e@ . 


Finally, good news from the dutoindustry: The latest installment 
of Th¢ Fastomnd thi¢ Funiows franchise, called Fast & Furious, is pulling 
into multiplexes nationwide. Yep, they ditched the tiik's in the 
title, but brought back original cast members Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, 
Atichelle Rodriguez, and—fthankyou, God—Jordana Brewster.We caught 
upwith Ms, Buewster in LA.and luckily brought acameratocapture the 
encounter. Despite her remarkable looks, Ivy League smarts, andsuper 
ex-boyfriends (Mark Wahlberg, Derek Jeter), 29-+ygearalld Jordana is 
surprisingly very shy. She relocated from New York to LA. in 2004, but 
still shuns Hollywood panties, revealing clothes, and even vacations. 
Maybe most surprising, though, is that the starofthis kick-asscar-gasm 
flick is, in her own words, a pretty lousy driver. But, hey, she still looks 
mighty good behind the wheel, 





> 





YOU'VE NOW BEEN IN TWO MOVIES ABOUT FAST GARS DRIVEN BY 
FAST BOYS, HOW ARE YOU BEHIND THEWHEEL? 

didn’t drive when I first moved to L.A., and learning to drive here is 
hard! I’m still extra cautious—but my car is a joke. The side door got 
rammed by a Hummer, then I rammed intoa plastic garbage can in my 
driveway...and then I ran into another one. There are a lot of dings on 
my doors. | just say, “Let's fixit later.” 


YOU'RE THIS SOFT-SPOKEN YALE GRAD, BUT V@UR MOVIE RESUMEREADS 
UKEAN ACHIDINSITAR'S. 

I'd love to be a Bomd girl.] mean, ifyou're goingto be stereotyped, there 
are worse things to be stereotyPed as. Women always want to be what 
they're not: If you're the pretty girl, you want to be the quirky girl If 
you re the smart girl, you want t@be the pretty girl. 


$0.00 YOU LIKE DOING CRZEST 


[like being around it all, but Michelle Rodriguez actually got in there 
and risked her life. I'm not that ballsy. 





IS VIN DIESIa! AS MACHOAS WE DREAM? 


Viin's more like a teddy bear. He's very pdtennal, and he gave me a lot of 
good advice. He's not machoin the way you would think. 


THIS IS YOUR FIRST OUT-ANO-GUT SEXY SHOOT. 
WHAT TOOKYOU 50 LONG? 

Yes, it's the first time where [ had to be quote- 
unquote “sexy” Otherthan in love scenes—and 
with love scenes you're with someone else. 
The pressureisn’t all on you. [admit I wasner- 
vous before the shoot. My hair is very long 
right now, and [wouldn't Wut it till we finished 
the Maxim shoot. i wanted to mdke sure my 
hair could cover my boobs! 


90 VOU THINK OF YOU FRSELF AS SHY? 

Yeah, ! do. My nightmare is asit-down dinner 
with people I don’t know, And I'm an actress! 
And I grew up in New York City! All the time I 
lived there I was in fearof beingon Page Six in 
The Nitw York Posi. I don't think all press is 
good press. 





HAS IT HELPED YOUR poem CACHET 10 1974 
ERG Owty Mary Crazy 
That was solongago. [dated Derekincollege. Peter Fondaand sexy 
Bean ¢] gago.| | tie —_ Sisan Georgeoutgun 
Hewads thesweetest guy, and people think the fuzu in his icariic 64 
he's this womanizer, When he came tovisit Dodge Charger. 











me at Yale, | didn’t know how insane that would be. [ didn'trealize 
what asupecstarhe is... but] fownd out! 


THE STEREOTYPE OF THE HOLLYWOOD BOMBSHEUW IS ABUSTY BLONDE. 


ANY PRESSURE T0 CHANGE YOURLOOK? 

I'll be reading message boards about myself onlime—it's this masochis- 
tic thing] do—amd I find myself thinking, Should Ienhancémylips?Should 
[halt bigger boobs? But if! do any of that stuff, | besome one ofa million. 
It's so boring to look like everyone else. @ 


Fast & Fluwri@wes 14 iri thealiens now. 


Auto Erotica 
A brief history of flicks with fas 


d furious Wome. 





# 
29756 aodwo Z007 
Mbtiler, Jugak ppand Gone In 60 Seconds Stree oe al ahaa: 
Raquel Welch, Harvey A Billy Bob Thonnton- fais Wiare Pisoni tpdae 
Keitel, and Bill Cosby ena Angelina Jolie (read: Lt aa 
= CERN: to kill assorted lovelies 

get nutty and jiggly crazy) and Nicctie Cage with his rigged "70 
driving ambulances. try ang 60 ears in Chevy thie 

one régnt = 


MAY 2009 » MAXIM 69 





{SHARPEN YOUR EDGE} 


PHOTOGRAPHS BY JAKE CHESSUM SWVYIUNNG BY WILLIAM BUCKLEY 


— 





Gta ti LGD, ntti @BTEMPA FOR THE WALL GROUP 















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Oscar-nominated actor 


The problem now is that a lot of the work is overprepared; 





— 7 there are too many special effects in films, To be honest, I 
Terrence Howard miss the fight, Imiss staying upall night workimgon achar- 
suits up like alover boy, TIMES IN YOUR CAREER. actientodo a great audition. Now my agents dothe arguing 


But the Fighting stars 
words cut like a knife. 
By Nick Hararnis 


There are the Russell Crowe 
roles, the Wild Smith roles, and 
then, the rest of us, we're like 
slaves from the 1700s and 18005, 
The better part of the pig has 


been cut up for meals in the house, and all that’s left is 
the gross stuff, So, as an actor, you take those things that 
are seemingly disgusting and you take some weeds from 
around the back of the house and you use those weeds to 
make collard greens, You take the intestines and you tum 
them into chitlins. You take that head and tum it intolhog 
headcheese. Sometimes I'm forced to make something 
great out of scraps. Iftihere’s any redeemable thin red line 
that exists throughout my career, it’s that Itry to find the 
humanity in the darkest comers of my characters, from 


Hildstllt & FIOW to Grash. 


BUT AITHIS POINT IN YOUR CAREER, THE ROLES BEING 





EDTA YOU MUST BIEMWEHAITIER THAN SCRAPS. 


for me, and one gets kind of lackadaisical after a while, So 
more than ever I'Viegollto keep pushing, 


YOU PLAYED ROBERT DOWNEY JR.’SSIDEKICK IN JRON MAN. 
THAT SEEMED AREAL DEPARTURE FOR YOU, 

Ewenytinimg on that film was done for me,The special effects 
were all there, which often made me question why I was, 


YOU WERE WNOERSTAN OMBLY PISSED WHEN YOUR 
CONTHACT TO STAR IN ITS SEQUWH! WASNT HONORED. 
Sometimes the wrong thing happens for the right reason, 
I'm not an action figure, and I'm certainly nottd sidekick. 
Iron Man was going 10 make meweak, because it was about 
a man of steel rather than a man of heart, But Iron Man 
introduced me to theworld. 





DOES BEING ACELEBRITY EVER GET 10 BETOD MUCH? 
That's kind oflike asking ifthere'severtoo much sunshine, 
On a bad day some people might walk away from me # 


MAW22009 MAXIM DI} 





Sayimg, “He's'dn asstholke’ But everybody is:an asshole for 
afew minutes out ofeveryday. 


YOU SAID IN ONE INTERVIEW THAT YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF 
TO BE Aa) il 1); B | 


Oh, hopes Tianaary fees geil 





DIDNIT YOU ALSO SAY YOU WERE CELIBATE? 
('m dating. Right now I'm just following signs. like being 
flee toexplore and talk to new people. 


YOU'RE AN ACCESSORIES MAN ORTHERED CARPET. 
Pocket squares and cufflinks are essential. A man has so 
few oppartinities to disgiQiy his style, @ind pocket squares 








37) ORONY trench, $h6s: NEM blazer, 970 
camecaireaaee $1.0: Spear 
be, fiéce te Belt Foo. 





©) Spunr Hirt, $220; HUGO tie, $9: 
Rod Keenan hat, S695: 


ive proof of imagimidtive flair. A hat is a perfect 
crown. If brings the entire outfit together. Ascarf 
gives it emotion. 





Well, Ralph Lauren made me twoypdirs of leathe 
pants. | keep waiting for the right O€G@isms to 
wear them, but you've got to be pretty careful 
with leather pants. 


WHO'S YOUR GREATEST STYLE ICON? 

CaryGFant...withatouchaHiwisCaryalwayswoaire 
those little yellow socks to remind him that he 
Wa still himself. And Elvis believed in shining. He 
believed that the light would only be there for a 
short period of time, so he malde it as bright a8 
passible, which reflects my nature. 


JAMIE FOXX MADE SOME PRETTY NASTY 
COMMENTS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR RECENT SOLO 
ALBUM, SHINE Tit iT, IN ARADIO INTERVIEW. 
Jamie is a comedian first Mind an alftlor second, so 
he's always going to revert back to jokes. Some 
radio announcer @iied him iffhe had listened to 
my album, @nd he replied, KNo, but [heard itwent 
plastic:” I'm so glad | didn’t write an album that 
got played on the popstations right away, because 
thaitwould have meant that | hadconformed. 








IS THAT AWAY OF RAGGING ON HIP-HOP? 

Completely. There's no challenge Of message in it. And if 
you don't stand for something, you're wasting your life. 
Ifall you're doingis serving your bank account, then what 
good dilteyou? 


YOU'RE AREAL ONE OF AKIND. SO WHO 00 YOU LOOK UP TO? 

Affter Hustle & How and Crash, Sidney Poitier sat me down 
and said, "D0 you realize that you might be one of the 
gredtest actors who has ever liwetfi’To have him say that 
tome, ittwdsalmost a warning, like hewasG@iying, “You've 
got a l@ngnQad ahead of you.” a 


ACTORS SING! 


Movie stars can doanyttiligg) 
(Weil alrnost 


Terrence Howard did one. Joaquin Brice Willis Robert Daymey Jr. Scarlett Joharisson John Travolta 
Phosrtonl is iiakingnd rap one. From Album: The Retwin Albuth: Thd Futurist Album: Anywtrdre [Lay Album: The Best of 
Russell Crowe and Billy86b Thornton Or BFUMNG (3987) sPR5) My Héad (2008) Jolon Travolia (1996) 
fe Minnie Driver and Keio) Reeves, Seund: Karackve Moetewn. nd: Jaz2y tinklings Sound: Lily sings Sound: Pie-Scientalag) 
“Serious” actors just love dotining thase Rewiew: “vir. Willis a la Sting, solo. Tom WES. pege 
big headphones in the studio to make sings like an enthusiastic Review: “This synthy, Review: “She's a fuittly Review: “Tiumk God we 
a meaninghy) CO. Mest are car wnecks. fratemmity bay." —The loutigetamed adult 20th Marilyn Monroe never hadideodenl witha 
Gnty one are we crazy over: Rebert Newotiokk Times contemporary thing. lost in aennic f0@-" Nfavdita new wave LP.? 
MIKSRUPAS BERNE nSpIFEd Calypso is listen to it while: Licking © —Time Out — Railing Stone Oity Paper 

Oke So (1957). Here, the f00d-ish, tthe peanut butter offaSigma Listen to it whilé:: Listen to it while: Play- Ligten to it while: Doing 
really bad, and the just plain ridiculous. Phi toilet seat, Dreaming ofbiveturtles. ing billiards wittna midget.  fBarigarino” impression. 


9? MAXIM « MAY 2009 












STEVE GARBARING 


SIDEBAR, 


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Shaves PR S6p By: Stan Lee, MlohgehBuckneryGetty 
hipes: Mane: MitiAApies, anth Cepegey Gas Aiinec;n,| 
ChrpigEverett tC offection | Smphoks tomic book guy, 
FoxcSeid¥asddan aint Apascavehs coders Mariel; Su- 
Pear boar Return Hishion Anonps¢)¥econimagesk SuyCity 
Foxe pWwlirthtgrDarck Horee Ooviiicco MacsVibsab ler étt- 
Collection p.68: Lablion th, dim HéresqniPrecisctions/ 
Che kKithetCoberthhn; Giada mats, Madrhnéssion 
FilmeldoGieeey Bvereté Collleerhiih}bAlion, Botts Gentury 
Poadthe Mobal folleebhbAl a shiat:ridl Ceans) Beerett 
Collection ne ioe hatiblécturle dyitiversal TV/The Ko- 
bal Collection p.692 Gt4ie Mek yAararhbadtéphle Kobal 
Célleétion; Stasbaté; Doble Setnet/GekholStargatd he 
Sp-1 /The Koba, Calle tient [5h F iA: bal Cth trt/ao tb. 
OOntury Fox/TRe Kotal Odlectitobalho lord ofthe 
Rings Evebett Co fection thk OjatloCpystaiz Hehibon/ 
Nobles The HobdbtWektion; Superman 2, Everett 
Collectiore vate hiplen| C12} Bitios' ken Bros] he 
Rings ds pod: @olilK teri Mare Hall/CGlusttiadiensotWsy 
FoeYertalidiiection: DothoaseniWuntan ox/cour- 
fesy Everett Ctlinct Wat Gharchipe Trodpery, Wauntesy 
Byverett Collection; Alien, 2oth cerrian Fox/The Kobal 
Potlectioh./OzutibMum, Nie perm lah {(eiirt i hie 
Kobal I élidttioieyBlanshidrd ARikleed 6N)i Guar Wats 
Episode Ii), Lucashiiny2oth Century Fox/The Kmbal Col- 
lection: Robdxop 2, Orion{The Kobal Collextiom; The 
Fal. deep Folin se Ko Kalb odettoor phir Shygh, Walt 
Disney/The Kobal CollectiGiwEmerson, Sam p.71: X- 
Men, 2ath Céobary Fox/The Kobal ColleStian, Thetord 
lyenh: detunrhof (ile Kitep Nw hire fnourhesy 
Evecett Collection; 3700, Warner BrosLegendary Pic- 
snes! Tre Kobial Collection/ WAGs Nan, Robert Downey 
Paragnbuatétbhdntesy bveseiOBoilecteon; dae luo 
bfithé Riegta She Returh of the kmg, GRvbest New 
Dow itnemaltouniesy Evethit Bollection; Catiworion, 
Warher @os. i bhAbal Collection) Fantaging Four, 
SothiGendany Fox Che Kobal Ledectiorn. Spiderman 
Colleclion; C'twonTOIn, 
OA max ner 1 DS. The KollI! Collection: Fanluti<: FOUr. 


Me MANIQOR ot Collection; 





































3, Marvel/Sony Pictures[he Kobal Collection; Watch- 
men, Warner Bros] The Kisbal Collection: The Dark 
Kmigtit, Balé 4$ Batman, Warner Bros courtesy Everett 
Collection; The League of Extganciimary Gentlemen, 
26th Centliry Fox¢The Kobal Collection/Wabiieslit- 
gen; The Hulk, Universal/courtesy Everett Collection; 
Chétttaomx, Warner Bros/The arr Collection; Speed 
Racer, Warne’ dines five KGbal COVE GiGi <The Borend 
tennial Man, Touchstone/The Kabal Collection/Bray, 
Phil payae Willow. MGM:  Ewenett COlCHON 
Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Touchstone/Spyglass 
chortle he Kobal Collection; renege TriStar 


primers Mara ay 


caoth Gentunerorell sights s renavadicoutenl ive 
élo Obtlberion: Cruise, Murray Andrew/Corbis Syma; 
Megan Foxin Transformers, Jaimie Trueblood p.73: 
Star Wars Episede Wi: Return of the Jedi, Lucasfilm 
20th Centiry Fbi lhe Kobal Collection; Star Wars 
Episode |: The Phantom Menace, Lucastim/The Kobal 
Collection; Alex Kurtzman ard Roberto Orci, Kevin 
Winter/Getty Images; Rowdy Roddy Piper, indie 
Peytof\iGetty Images pp-74-78; Star Trek, Ind 

Likht & Maglc/Paramount Pictures; Termifatior | 

tion, Richard Fottomany Warmer Biles, Pictured; Bas 
Baron Cohen, Alkesandro GalOfalo/Rewters/Cofbis; Lip, 
Disney/Pixar; Tranbfdrsterme,saimbeitrivetiianio bear 
One, Suzanne Hanover SMPSF/COMUMIE Pictures; The 
(aking Ob felbata 2) RGM PSRs ner tier 
Aakels Gisinans, PadeiRadenttal/Golunbbid Pictures 
pPpz 3) a CC Gath RU shawna, Ais] Davies, Pyenatt; 
Patkién7Asinous €: Spidibetgy Miler, DedWfoRwrett: 
Abitams don ein ear mre or berpced tear a Corbis 


Gtisé from topixight) CabrresyEver éta IGallactionkWar- 
néo Bros / iterate Kobal Collection p.83: Courtesy 
eo tice (fitdyneft) Matoiee Bros /Pho- 
kscdGabaChase, NaC Phpiofest; 
D'Angelo, Corbis; Ramis, Kobal Collection; Brinkley, 
Quaid, anditaliidaest Barrom shaniaberscombie.com; 
Krakowski, courtesy Everett Collection pp.86-89: 
QiréyiMary Crazy Larry poster) Cnath Neecypn bestest: 
Hina Carpal gkisneseioted /Couneasy Event Gol- 
lection, DeatalProer poster, aimensiom FUmaf Boand 
Kparé he Kobal Collection paraes-Geaqparnecgris 
Sanaa apeten Braise! Retna, Lid.oAileys fvay Pham 
KTFASENAY g beetle, Arco imager J SOM MEG) A,/ 
eMeriAinny ari aaesyivaby ite gil aban sa ate 
Ha eater Bx Oley POCO rshlany ad 
Salta user nice Taegan 
atk ea : WAeo th f int 
hot elect oto | Libesto ed Ulta, 1. 
Fue h Gres Ash- 


af Canikligil HES Ea 
Vamera Press/Retna, vig tzeniberg, 


Net rnold/Wire|ma eid ands, Cr ative Act-Emotion 
Senles NEY B ie i at ' cre At aha: 


evap Btosd Ponies 
























Recoil 
Warner eros Neal Peters Collection 





Whereto Buy 


pp.90-91! Canterbury 6f New Zealand sweater, 3100, 
canterbunyrausa.com; Calin Klein shirt, $70, Macy’s 
nationwide; Nautica tie, $25, nawitica.com. Ferragamo 
Oi, $1,260, and polo, Sayo, Fernagamo N.V.C.; Agpwe 
shirt, Stio, agavejean.com; Hilfiger pants, $i, and 
lacked, $3250 Macy's nationwide; Gwoci sungflises, 
$315, solsticestores.com; Omegawaditth, $15,300, 
Tiarteau NYC. Terrence Howard's hat. Banana Republic 
tréitch, $260, bananarepulblic.com; Bass Selection 
blazer, $89§, Hligo Boss N.Y.C.; CalVin Klein Jeans shirt, 
$60, Macy’s nationwide; Converse by John Varvdtas 
clninfOd, $128, Bloomingdale's nationwide; Ferragamo 
scart, $290, Ferragamo N.V.C.; Hilfiger tie, $45, Macy's 
nationwide; The Tie Bar tie bar, $18, thetiebar.com. 
PPp.92-93: DKNY trench, $365, selact DKNY Stores; 
H&M blazer, $70, hm.com for store Iiedtions; Joseph 
Abboud shirt, $150, Bloomingdale's nationwide; Spurr 
swedter, Se76, Barneys (Madison Ave, N.V.C., Beverly 
Hills, Seattle); BOSS Selection pants, $300, and Hljgo 
belt, $100, Hugo Boss N.V.C:; Ferragamo tie, $160, 
Ferragamo NLY.C. Spurr shirt, $220, Scoopnyc.com; 
Hugo tie, $95, Hugo Boss N.Y.C.; ROd Keanan hit, $515, 
rodkeenan newyatk.com. All undérpinnings provided 
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Dr. Daniel Stein, M.D. 


[ wish I had « dollar for every patient or person 
thai asked me over the last few years about 
inccemsiny the kize of “that contain part of the male 
body." The prevccupation with size that men have 
if a mystery) 10 most Women. The fitt ib it is 
compieitly nonndl for most men 10 want 10 be 
liteer, It doesn't if th¢y ane Nnaller than 
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peda my epprtiemce thal guys thal anc alist 100 
big, 40 big in fict thal many women wOat §0 near 
them with a ten foot pole (somy about thal) still 
wanilta be larger! 

I WdkIKO intrigued by this fact that I started to do 
ttSearch about the "so called” male enhancement 
pills that came on the market SeVeral years ago. 
The concept thal 4 simple pill could noticeably 
incraige the size of a man’s organ seemed 
plausible, but | wanted 10 know more. I had done 
much ftéedich over the years about cortiin 
kaiiilly ontancing compounds available, 40 I 
believed the cdiitept was s@ind thatta pill could be 
fii 10 idke & man larger. 

My first task was 10 look at some of the ads Il had 
seen in magazinds for male enhatcement. Thete 
wene some amamng claims by many of these 
makers. My petéOnal favorite was 4 cream thal 
claimed to make men instantly Isner. 1 had to 

HUH 60s loud whem] read what it said. The ad 
read, Nig’ cream, rub vigorously, increase your 
size.” | thought fierra minute and then decided you 
could put virtidlly afything on & man, including 
guacamole, and if he rubbed vigOi@uSly it would 
increase his size. Then thei W4é an ad for 4 pill, 
thal jf taken daily, would imcrease the: length offi 
man by 3 10 4 iine-hes in jilSt 4 few SHort days (somy 
kboult the “short” comment). 

I'm ry, but after All tha&e years of mediaal 
tfhool, I know enough about matomy 10 know thal 
a guy who is $ inches in length isn't going 10 add 3 
i4 inches (6 his little friend unless he buys a rope, 
geltd 4 late brick, finds a bridge and...well, you get 
the picture. Al about this time | was beginming: lo 
think that perhaps these makers hadn't found the 
magic mixture of compounds | had hoped they 
might have. 

Adlthe founder ofboth the Stein Medical Institute 
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—~ mill ae amnill- fd Lar rleailes 
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women's sexual health. I pride myselfon hemg the 
best medical do¢tor | can be and my reputation is 
important 16 me. So, when Oli ofthe clear blue sky, 
I got 4 cal] from the makers of Extenze, the leader 
in male enhancement, wanting me 10 be in one of 
their TV G@hbitofials, I thought, “Boy, did they 
pick the wrong buy!T 
Little did they know that | had dank reailres¢arch 
inkO this G@idept and | had recelaly looked iI some 
cmomt pooliucts. Bul ihe 
of Bidbane eniGd 10 be ¢@cfihiinely 








Is ita Hoax or Do They Really Work? 


convinced that their product really worked, and they 
claim (6 have $0id OWer 100 million capsules © men 
ill over the world. “OWer ]00 million capsules taken 
by men.” With that single declaration, they had my 
iniereSt. Either Extenze really worked or these guys 
were the world's greatest Sriake oil salesmen. So | 
requested thai they send me Extesze: formula so | 
could review it, theil we would talk. 





| thell visited the Exienze.com web site, where I 
found s page that show'ed the top twelve adult film 
ktiwS, All holding Exténre and ending it. 1 thought 
10 myself, “Is it possible Extenze actually W@EsT" 

The neXi day I received the proprietisy Extenze 
ne and there it was, virtually Mil of the 

redients that | hoped would be in a male 
wiatienai product, 19 pharmaceulical grade 
nutraceuticals, There was Yohimbe (which used to be 








ivailable by prescmption only,) L-Atinine, 
Maaa...all of it was there. 





[ contacted the makers of Extenze the very next 
day and adked them what they needed me for. They 
explained that they had a desire to have a medical 
doctor in their T.V. commercials 10 talk about the 
dfiectivenssa of the ingrodients in Extemzic. Al ithat 
momen! dil ideacpan} into ify head. I told them if 
they would let me improve the formula of Extenze, 
I would do the cortiti@tinl for free! 

Before I knew it | was working with their 





TB ail J i rE —_ 4 ? re es ae 
a, hs <> mz J = | r Fe | lave ré 
riey Cc aim to have : 


sold 
alinnai a orartar ora b Y7 , 
all mo St a CUasrtel off a billion 


ar rrr ri 
(ier. - 


aia lite —_ a oe T i ap, 1 a. ge 
eo a wy »< # | > <™ 'é, 
VaVoOuUICs tu 


chemists al the tilinwfitlinng plitit where we 


added the most revolutionary thing 10 the formula 
of Kxtanze. We added DHEA, ilso know it the 
"mother of all hormones,” DHEA is the most 
important human prohormone and is the 
prohormone that COOWENLS info Teslostenone im man. 
DHEA levels decrease with the aging. Production 
peaks in 4 man’s early 20's, and declines about 
10% every |0 years. Low levels of teatstenme 
can lead 10 low sex drive and a smaller sex organ. 

Afferia few more Weeks of tweaking the formula 
of Extenze, we were done. The new Extenze 
formula has been selling even better then the old 
formula, with over 75% of sales to repeat 
customen. Extenae has deeroannthenmagkebfqr 7 
years and has sold almost a quarter of a billion 
Silas ce dpomen elineverithe vwaionke Ut odrmesnit 
matter if you're 18 or 80 years old. In my opinion 
Exteazefoanimaks yosdargen badder and opin 
bate jzeir-intemakty sod plewsunsauditi FAR RIMPE 
yo Raking a single Jablet shail, page 15 89 SUB 
would werk fan anyone dhat throcreAenaings ant a 
froarnerweck qupp)y af Eeatenveyfor nothing mare 
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What's your deepest, 
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You WeWwdkill 
Saimecne to be P 
he descend ' i dat dee Thue or tite: People say you're 
Pidza commerchall | ie 
iene Zia | Nke Ari Gold in Entourage, only 
Like, literally kill ’ , ractg eget : * | 
samesna: Fr = fy == =ۤ=6more aggfessively dickish. | Are you a student of 
| The Method"? 
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rer >t a . & | B. You mean handing 
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What's your fitimass regimen? 4 = . 
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training Setsions, finger 
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screaming at tesmified underlings, — | : A. Asshé in seats. 
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, asshole who picks that Tom Cruise mumbles in his sléép. éXpunged fram my being. 
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Actor Studio Exec Personal Director Dr. Feelgood Scientology 
You've put your selt- You are a world-class Wikeiielel You are equipped to Your only challenge? Minder 
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